Chapter Twelve
Hanover Square
Mayfair, London
It had been three days since she’d last seen Gregory, and even then, part of that meeting had been awkward.
Though he’d apologized for missing taking her to the opera, he’d brought her a lovely, flower bouquet as an early May Day present.
Once he’d told her that he’d been gutted he’d lost his case, she’d understood and offered to listen if he needed to talk about it.
After that, they’d tumbled into bed, and the coupling that followed had been gentle and slow as if he were distracted about something.
Afterward, when she’d questioned him, he’d revealed he’d had to meet a woman at dinner before he’d come to her home, and he knew the proverbial noose was tightening about his neck regarding needing to choose one of the young women his parents had selected for him.
Constance hadn’t been able to pull him out of his murky thoughts, so she let him go to the guest room, and then she retired.
He had left the following morning before she rose.
Now, she followed him with her gaze as he paced her drawing room. Clearly, he was still at sixes and sevens over events of the week, but she wanted to soothe him, to help him talk things through if he was willing.
“Do sit down, Gregory. You are making me dizzy with your pacing.” When he’d arrived, Isabella had deigned to let him give her a few scratches and pets before she left to embark upon her usual evening prowl about the townhouse.
“I have too much pent-up energy to relax, and my mind is in a muddle, if you want the truth.” However, he did stop moving only to rest a fist against the mantel.
Frowning, Constance set aside her embroidery work, for she just noticed the trace of faint bruises decorating his jawline and cheek. “Have you recently been boxing?”
“A few days ago. With the Earl of Holdcraft. He got in more than a few punches on me.”
“Did you retaliate?”
He snorted. “Not as much as I should have.”
“Why not?”
“My concentration was scattered that day. I had lost my big case the day before, and in sulking about it, I neglected to take you to the opera that night, which meant even more brooding.” He cast a glance to her. “I fear my life is fraying at the edges.”
“In everyone’s existence, there are disappointments. You can’t let those times affect you more than they should. Feel your emotions regarding them, of course, but then let them go. There is far too much living to do beyond them.”
Easier said than done.
“It is difficult to put into practice.”
“Agreed.” Yet he was more distracted than she’d ever seen him. “Why are you distracted? What thoughts are tormenting you?”
“Perhaps they aren’t important. I don’t want to mar our time together.”
Neither did she. Ignoring what bothered him wasn’t part of their arrangement.
“You can talk to me, Gregory. I’d like to think we are more to each other than bouts of sex or reading companions.
” When he didn’t answer, only gave her a faint grin, she blew out a breath.
“Very well. I’ll tell you what’s been on my mind of late. ”
He nodded, but didn’t offer verbal input.
“We should have a serious conversation.”
“About?”
“Marriage.”
An expression of wariness slid over his face. “In what capacity?”
Constance rested her hands in her hap. “Do you believe that you and I would be well-suited for matrimony? Together.” When he didn’t immediately answer, she rushed onward.
“The reason I bring it up is the fact we are getting along so well together, and before either of us makes any other plans, I wanted to know if us doing that was a possibility.”
“Uh…” He rubbed a hand along the side of his face, but to his credit, he didn’t drop his gaze from hers. “I’m going to be very honest with you, because I respect you.”
“I appreciate that.” Yet she trembled, for she suspected his answer.
“You and I are from two different worlds. I have certain responsibilities and obligations because of that. Expectations, you know?”
“We all have some sort of expectations thrust upon us. That doesn’t mean they should keep us in a prison.
” It was a delicate business, this real talk between them, but it needed to be said.
“As much as I am enjoying what we currently have together, I can’t keep my future suspended indefinitely.
I am six and twenty, Gregory. I need to know what is possible, so do you see yourself eventually asking me to marry you? ”
For a few seconds, emotions flitted over his face, but he didn’t settle on one. When he forced a swallow, his Adam’s apple bobbed. “I need to marry within the beau monde or the ton at the very least. You know who my father is, and we discussed this early on.”
“I am aware of that.” Slowly, she nodded even as a lump of tears rose in her throat. She’d been a ninny to even think a permanent union between them might have been possible. “Then I’m good enough to be your mistress but not good enough to be your wife? Is that the gist of this conversation?”
“That’s not it at all, but why are we having this conversation right now? When we agreed to this current arrangement, we both said marriage wasn’t the end result.” Shock warred with confusion in his expression as he pushed off the mantel and took a few steps toward her location on a low sofa.
“I know that, but oftentimes, plans change.”
A huff of apparent frustration left his throat. “Then you wish to wed again? So soon after we started together?” Emotion graveled his voice, but she couldn’t read what they were on his face.
She shrugged. It would be prudent for her to guard her own heart, yet she didn’t know how.
Samuel used to say she wore her feelings in a way that anyone could look at her and see them.
He said it was one of the things that made her relatable, likeable, the reason men wished to protect her.
“I always knew that was what I wanted when I put myself back into society. You came along at the beginning of that decision.” When she found his gaze with hers, she didn’t back down.
“I wasn’t able to have a child with Samuel, but that longing has never gone away.
You and I discussed that, just as you have mentioned multiple times you will marry whomever your parents have selected. ”
“Why are you telling me this?”
“Because we need to be honest with each other.” Slowly, she rose to her feet, for she didn’t wish to give him the advantage. “To that end, I need to confess something.”
“Oh?” Mild curiosity reflected in his eyes.
This would not go over well. “Since you were out of pocket and I didn’t know when the next time I would see you was, I went to a soiree last night with Lydia. Over the course of the evening, I happened to meet a man who I believe could be a possible match for me.”
“I see.” A muscle ticced in his clenched jaw. “How did you get on with him?” The words were polite, cold, and they caused her heart to squeeze.
“Well enough. He has the potential for a sense of humor, just needs to develop it. I don’t know much about him, only that he’s a viscount and will remove to his country estate by the end of May, but I have the feeling he’s a widower.”
“Then you have much in common with him.” The strain lingered in his voice.
“I suppose…” Did he not care that this could potentially tear them apart? Threads of hot panic rose in her chest, and her heartbeat accelerated. “This could prove good for my future. Being taken care of, you know?”
“I thought that was what I am doing for you?” He took another few steps so that only a couple of feet separated them. “Is that not what a man should do for his mistress?”
“Yes, of course, but this isn’t permanent; it was never meant to be. Was it?”
A muscle ticced in his jaw again. “It was not, but I didn’t think you would move on from me so early into this relationship.”
“You don’t understand what it’s like to be a woman in our society, Gregory. I need to plan, need to—”
“I think you mean my society,” he interrupted with narrowed eyes.
“Right, because I’m not even part of the ton,” she added in a soft voice.
Pain erupted around her heart, squeezed it as if in a vice.
Why did it hurt so much to find out what sort of man he truly was?
Her breath came in fast pants, and she pressed a hand to her chest. Why now did she have to suffer an episode?
She didn’t want to rely on him for help, not when he was being like this.
“It is exactly because of my position within society that I need to look after my own interests, especially when you’ve insinuated all along that you would marry a woman who is so much better than me, more fit for your lifestyle, your position. Your bloody ego.”
He stumbled back a few steps as if she’d slapped him. “Is that what you think? After everything we’ve shared together, you think I’m a coward.” It wasn’t a question.
“I think you put too much stock in what your parents want. What about your own needs? Your own plans for the future?” Why couldn’t he see that making his own decisions wasn’t a bad thing?
“If you go through with that, you will always be a slave to what society thinks or does, what society expects.” She shook her head as the pain in her heart intensified.
“Is that the sort of life you truly want? Or is it the fact that the clients you’ll reap from such connections are wealthy? ”
“No, I—”
“I thought you wanted to help the people who needed it the most,” she said in a bare whisper.
“I thought you enjoyed the challenge, wished to defend people who didn’t know where to turn, the people who had been taken advantage of by the very people in society you want to align yourself with.
” Annoyed and upset, Constance retreated around the grouping of furniture, needing to put space between her and him.
“I do, of course, but it’s more complicated than that.”