Chapter 20 #2
“We all struggle to fit in. And just look at you. You’ve gone and picked a profession where you’ll continue to struggle.
” Mama put her arm back around Carrie’s shoulders and pulled her close.
“You’re a fighter with a compassionate heart and inquisitive mind.
You are exactly as God created you to be, and I know you will be a blessing to a great many people.
Stop worrying about Oswald Nelson and let go of the past. Your future is far more important.
I know without a doubt that you are going to do great things. ”
Spencer didn’t know where he was going. He just had to walk off his anger and frustration.
He wasn’t really mad at Carrie. He was just struggling to deal with life.
The truth of the situation was difficult to accept.
He’d always seen in his mind how things would play out with Astor.
He would find the man, and one of two things would happen.
Spencer would either have to take the man’s life when he refused to give up and go peaceably to face justice, or Astor would go willingly and realize his death by hanging.
Spencer could accept either outcome. It was this third and unplanned ending that he hadn’t counted on.
Of course, it could still be that Knowles wasn’t his man.
But everything in Spencer told him that wasn’t the case.
It was almost as if God was telling him that Knowles was indeed Astor and that this was how things would be.
It seemed almost cruel. There was no satisfaction in badgering a dying man.
All the things Spencer had practiced saying in his thoughts and dreams now held little importance.
Knowles wouldn’t care. He would soon be beyond all caring.
Spencer found himself amidst the downtown traffic and noise.
People were rushing from one place to another, seemingly unconcerned with all the wagons and mounted riders or other fellow Cheyenneites.
Realizing he’d walked all the way to the police station, Spencer made his way inside.
He hadn’t planned to go see his father-in-law, but somehow that seemed the right thing to do.
“Is the chief in?” he asked the sergeant.
“He’s in. And he’s alone. One of those rare occasions.”
“God must have known what I needed.” Spencer moved past the receiving desk and made his way down the hall to Edward Vogel’s office.
The door was open, and Spencer could see Vogel at his desk, looking over papers. He gave a light rap on the jamb.
Edward looked up and waved him in. Spencer closed the door behind him and made his way to where his father-in-law sat looking rather quizzically at him.
“I wasn’t expecting to see you today.”
“I wasn’t expecting to be here, but I had a fight with your daughter and needed to . . . well, needed someone to . . .”
“Commiserate with?” Vogel asked, smiling. “She can be formidable. It’s that brain of hers. She’s too smart for her own good.”
Spencer felt the tension ease and smiled. “Exactly.”
“Sit down.”
Taking the chair opposite his father-in-law, Spencer eased back and waited for the older man to say something more. When he didn’t, Spencer glanced up and gave a halfhearted smile.
“I shouldn’t be bothering you.”
“I’m here for all my children and their spouses. What’s going on?”
Spencer spilled out the details of all that had happened.
“I know I sounded heartless, because . . . I felt heartless. If Knowles is Astor, I don’t think I care that he’s dying or that he’s in pain.
I’ve spent so much time hating that man for what he took from me. I hate that I feel this way, Chief.”
“Call me Dad or Pa or something other than Chief. This isn’t in the line of work.”
“I’ll call you Dad. I called my father Pa, and I don’t think I could ever call anyone else by that name.”
“Good enough. Go on.”
“I don’t know what else to say. I know Carrie is just doing her job as a doctor to look out for her patient. I guess I just have so much anger and rage built up against him. I want him to suffer as he’s made me suffer.”
“And will that make things better?”
Spencer shrugged. “Somehow, I always thought it would.”
Edward smiled. “I can tell you from experience that it doesn’t. But I suppose you have to deal with that for yourself. Some things in life can’t be taught through words.”
“I’m disappointed in myself. I thought I’d handle this so much differently. But then, I thought the end would be different.”
“What were you expecting?”
“I always figured I’d find Astor and arrest him. I’d transport him back to stand trial for my father’s death and the bounty jumping, and the judge would pass sentence to hang him. Then I’d go to the hanging and somehow that would allow me to finally have peace of mind.”
“For losing your father? Astor’s death would actually give you that kind of relief?”
Spencer considered his question a moment. “I don’t know.”
“It won’t bring your pa back from the dead. It won’t change what you saw and felt that day. And it sure won’t wipe away the years you had to live without him or the strain it put on your ma. All of those things are still going to be a part of your past.”
“But if he faces punishment for what he did, then I would have accomplished my job. I would have gotten justice.”
“Justice or revenge?”
“Both maybe?”
Edward nodded. “At least you’re honest. I like that about you, son. But let me give you a piece of advice. You need to forgive Eugene Astor.”
The words hit like a slap in the face. Spencer straightened and shook his head.
“How can I forgive him? He killed my pa. I was there. He had no remorse. All he said to me was, ‘The score has been settled, son. This is a day to end all wars.’ But for me the war had just started. My war with him. It’s consumed me. ”
“Your youth became a casualty of it in many ways. Are you going to throw the rest of your life away on it?”
“You think my desire to bring Astor to justice was a waste of my life?”
Vogel shrugged. “You’re the only one who can say for certain one way or the other. However, to keep carrying this after Astor is dead and gone would be a waste. As a father, I would never want that kind of thing for my son. And I don’t want it for you either.”
“So what do I do?”
“Find out if Knowles is your man and ask him the question that’s on your mind.”
“The question?” Spencer could see great compassion in Edward Vogel’s eyes.
“Yeah. Why? Why did you kill my pa? That is the question on your heart, isn’t it?”
Spencer swallowed the growing lump in his throat. “Yeah.”