Chapter 23
CLARK
I unfolded the letter I had written to Arabella late the night before, reading the words again before sealing it.
Dearest Arabella,
I hope you will forgive me for my silence, but I have been burdened with a matter of business, one that demands all of my time.
I would much rather spend my time with you, but I’m afraid that will not be possible until the matter has passed.
I hope to call upon you by this Friday at the latest. In the meantime, please know that I think of little else but you.
Sincerely,
Mr. Campbell
I groaned as I threw the letter down on my desk.
This was what I had pored over for nearly an hour the night before?
It was a terrible excuse. How could I present Arabella with nothing but that letter to explain my absence for the next several days?
She would be expecting a proposal after how I had kissed her, not a poorly written paragraph about why my nonexistent business matters were more important than her feelings.
She must have been doubting me after I hadn’t called upon her the day before. But how could I see her and continue pretending to be Colin?
I dragged my fingers down my face with an exasperated breath. Where was that mutton-head anyway? I had just retired the night before when I heard his carriage return from the ball. He hadn’t stayed for long.
Tossing the letter back onto my desk, I walked into the corridor.
Colin’s door was open, so I peeked inside.
His bed was empty. As a creature of habit, he was sure to be in the breakfast room at this hour, so I made my way down two sets of stairs to the ground floor.
I frowned at the empty table, a few cold offerings still resting on platters on the sideboard. Had he gone out again?
Turning abruptly, I made my way toward the entrance hall. The butler and two footmen stood at attention. “Where’s Colin?” I asked.
The butler opened his mouth to reply just as the front door swung open. Colin took two steps inside before his gaze fell on me. He wore a brown riding coat, buckskin breeches, and tasseled Hessian boots.
“Clark.” Colin froze for a moment before striding farther into the entrance hall, removing his hat and handing it to the footman. “I hope you were not planning to venture outside like that.” His eyes traced over my hastily assembled attire with a look of dismay.
“I was looking for you.” I stood in front of the staircase, crossing my arms. “Were you riding?”
“I was.” Colin unbuttoned his coat. “I grew weary of spending my mornings at the house.”
His tone was abrupt, as if he wished to keep our conversation brief. He started toward the stairs, but I didn’t move out of the way. “Did you encounter Miss Sharp on your ride?”
Colin smoothed a hand over his hair, which had been rather flattened by his hat. “I did not.” He paused. “But she was at the ball last night.”
My stomach dropped. “The viscount’s ball? Why the devil was she there? Did you speak with her?” The questions spilled out as my panic blossomed. Looking at Colin now, with his languid expression, I didn’t dare imagine how dreadful his interaction with Arabella had been.
“Calm yourself.” Colin crossed his arms, mirroring my posture. “I truly didn’t expect to see her there, but she was attending as Mrs. Ollerton’s companion. I was intent on avoiding her, but she approached me.”
My heart raced. “What did she say?”
He frowned. “She was quite cross with me. She accused me of avoiding her, and then she mentioned that she had no intention of holding me to any obligation regarding something that occurred the day before. I didn’t know what she was referring to, but I suspect you might have an idea.
” He gave me a questioning look. “I escaped the conversation as quickly as possible and took my leave. She seemed quite distraught.” His brow furrowed.
“Of course she was distraught!” I buried my face in my hands.
I could only imagine the confusion and betrayal Arabella must have been feeling.
Colin— mutton-headed Colin —must have made her feel dismissed and forgotten.
“I kissed her.” I uncovered my face. “I kissed her the day before and very nearly confessed my feelings.”
Colin stared at me blankly. “Your feelings?”
“I love her.” The words echoed in the entrance hall, and I knew they were true. I had never felt what I did for Arabella for anyone else. Confessing that to Colin hadn’t been part of my plan, but I couldn’t contain it a second longer. The ruse needed to end, and he needed to understand why.
A deep laugh escaped him, his eyes wide with dismay. “You cannot be serious.”
“I am.”
He groaned. “She was only courting you because she believes you have a fortune. I thought you were wiser than that. You cannot love her.”
“I do!” I took a step forward, a surge of anger rising in my chest. “You have made a habit of telling me what to do in most circumstances, but you cannot tell me not to love her.”
Colin searched my features, his own twisted in bewilderment. “What were you thinking?”
“I wasn’t thinking.” I raked a hand through my hair, leaving it a mess. My heart ached. I knew what would happen once I told Arabella the truth. It had been tearing me apart.
“The moment you tell her who you are, she will not want you any longer.” Colin’s voice broke through my thoughts, stabbing at the wounds that had already formed in my heart.
He examined my downtrodden expression with a look of disgust. “You were meant to be making a fool of her . Not the other way around.”
“Was there not part of you that wanted me to learn my lesson too?” I snapped. “I led Miss Merrick to fall in love with me, and then I abandoned her. When Miss Sharp rejects me, I will finally understand part of what I caused her to endure.” My jaw tightened, and I looked down at the floor.
“I didn’t anticipate this, though I cannot claim to feel sorry for you.” Colin’s voice grated over my skin. “You were once a fortune hunter and so is Miss Sharp. Perhaps the two of you are a suitable match after all.”
I gritted my teeth. I had never defended my decisions regarding Miss Merrick.
I had no excuse for my behavior, but Colin had never even tried to understand the reasoning behind it.
“I was so envious of you, Colin.” My voice was hoarse.
“I wanted the life you had. I wanted the ease and comfort that I had envied for so many years. I had no dreams beyond that, and I was blinded by greed.” I swallowed the guilt in my throat.
“That was why I courted Miss Merrick. But I have learned my lesson. Miss Sharp is not rich. She doesn’t have a dowry at all, yet I love her. I wish to marry her.”
Colin stood perfectly still, seemingly absorbing my words one at a time.
The shock faded slowly from his features until it softened into a faint scowl.
“I have never understood how you could be envious of my position. When Father died, you were allowed to carry on living as you always had. I was forced into a responsibility I had never asked for. I was only eighteen.”
“I know. I was eighteen as well. I lost him, and I lost you at the same time. You changed. You became distant. You did nothing but work and hide away in the study while I looked after our mother and sisters.”
Colin’s eyes darkened with anger. “I envied you .” He looked down at the floor in the echo of his confession.
“You were free to do as you pleased, relying on me to keep the estate thriving. You never offered to help because the estate was not yours. You were content to rely on me while I had no one.”
I stared at him in silence, the morning sun illuminating the resentment in his expression.
“Money isn’t everything.” Colin met my gaze with a deep scowl.
“But it seemed that money was all you cared for. You seemed to despise me for inheriting the estate, yet you gambled away what I offered you. When you began your pursuit of Miss Merrick, I could easily see your intentions. I didn’t stop you, because I thought if you obtained the money you had always wanted, you might become yourself again.
You had changed so much after Father’s death.
I hardly recognized you, and I wanted my brother back. ”
Colin rarely showed emotion, but I caught a flicker of pain in his eyes. The honest, raw words buried themselves deep in my chest. I had never considered that he missed our friendship the way I had. Our childhood had been so full of joy, and then it had all crashed around us.
“We both changed,” I said in a quiet voice. “I understand why you attempted to bury me from existence after what I did, but it still hurt to think that you no longer seemed to claim me as your family.”
Colin looked up, his eyes still guarded. “I was protecting Eloise and Sally.”
I gave a solemn nod. “I understand. And I’m sorry.”
Colin folded his arms tighter across his chest. “I’m sorry, too.”
Silence fell, a deep understanding settling in the air between us.
I was fairly certain neither of us had ever uttered an apology to one another unless forced to do so by our mother.
And then, it hadn’t been sincere. The cracks in our relationship had grown deeper over the past few years, but something in our words just now had begun to mend them.
“Do you think Miss Sharp recognized that it wasn’t me at the ball yesterday?” I asked after a long moment.
Colin pressed his lips together. “Possibly. Your forehead is larger than mine.”
I scoffed. “Your nose is wider.”
A faint smile crossed his lips. “You wish.”
I laughed, and the weight on my shoulders lightened.
Despite how he hid his feelings, I knew from my time masquerading as Colin that all he wanted was to be seen and loved for who he was.
Pretending to be him had taught me to understand him in a way I hadn’t before.
He was still an irritating sapskull, but I did love him. I wanted him to be happy.
“So you have truly fallen in love with Miss Sharp?” Colin’s eyes still shone with disbelief.
“Yes. I don’t believe her intentions are impure as you suspected. At least not anymore. I believe she might return my feelings.”
Colin stared at the wall, obviously trapped in deep thought. “At the ball yesterday she did seem quite distressed. She seemed as if she might burst into tears.”
My heart sank, my muscles tensing. “Why did you make her cry?”
“I didn’t try to! You might have told me that you kissed her and declared yourself to her. That wasn’t part of our plan.”
I could hardly stand still a moment longer. “I must find her and try to explain.”
Colin stopped me by the shoulder. “Are you going to tell her the truth? How do you possibly expect this conversation to end in your favor?”
His question lingered in the back of my mind, aching and persistent. It seemed impossible, but even so, I had to try.