Chapter 31
HOLLY
I keep waiting for Lou to breathe again and, when she doesn’t, the urge to shake her almost overwhelms me.
I thought I was ready, but I’m not.
She can’t be gone; all the light that was my sister cannot just be extinguished.
I’m already aching to hear her laugh again, or to reminisce about something only the two of us can remember, but she’s so still.
For a moment the only sound is Mum sobbing.
Emotion is choking in my throat, but I can’t cry, because that would make it real, and when I accept that this is it and I’ll never get to talk to my sister again, I don’t know if I’ll be able to function.
Instead I try to focus on the practicalities, hoping that they’ll stop the emotion from completely overwhelming me.
There’s so much to do; so many people loved Lou and organising the funeral is going to be a major task.
Before anything else, Stan and Flo will need to be told.
Tom has asked me to be there when that happens, but we’d already agreed that if Lou died before the children were due back from Joanna’s he wouldn’t pick them up to tell them any sooner.
That will give them one more day of not knowing she’s gone.
I don’t know if an expert on these things would say that’s the right thing to do, but all I know is that I’d give anything right now to have one more day of believing that Lou is still around.
I finally let go of my sister’s hand as one of the nurses comes into the room.
She’s talking about next steps, but I don’t take it in.
Kissing Lou’s still-warm forehead, I turn to my parents and allow myself to be wrapped in their arms as they whisper their gratitude that they’ve still got me.
It hits me all over again, that I’m just half of a pair, an only child now, who was born to be one of two.
And despite my fears that giving in to tears would be a lifelong commitment, I can’t stop them coming.
I haven’t just lost my sister and my best friend, it feels like I’ve lost myself too.