Chapter 32
TOM
The staff at the hospice were wonderful.
They took as much care of Lou in death as they had in life.
She’d only been there for a few days after the party, but some of the staff were clearly moved by her death, and spoke about her as though they knew her far better than that, just because of the brief exchanges they’d had, or the way Lou acted.
She had that effect on people, but I don’t think she ever realised it.
They say that people might not remember what you said to them, but they will remember how they made you feel, and Lou just had this knack of making people feel good.
That’s not to say she was perfect; I’ve got to try to avoid putting her on a pedestal, because the void in my life without her is already so vast, and if I re-paint her as perfect, it will swallow me whole.
She lost patience with people at times, and there were those who irritated her, but her heart was always so good, and she gave second chances far more easily than most.
Holly’s the same; for twins they were incredibly different in some ways, but that good-heartedness ran through both of them like words through a stick of rock.
All the paperwork that made Lou’s death official was processed quickly, but it still doesn’t feel real, and I don’t think it will until Holly and I tell the children.
‘Did you have a nice time?’ It’s the first thing I say to them, after Joanna drops them back home, but my daughter’s no fool and she cuts to the chase.
‘Is Mummy okay?’
‘Come here, sweetheart.’ I pull my daughter on to my lap, and Holly picks up Stan.
Even before I say anything else, Flo starts to cry.
‘Mummy died yesterday.’
‘Is she coming back?’ Stan looks so confused and despite the ways we tried to prepare them, the enormity of the truth still hasn’t hit him.
‘No, darling, she’s not.
Her body got really tired and it just stopped working.
She really wanted to stay here with you and Flo, because she loved you both so much, but she just couldn’t.’ Holly holds him tight as he starts to cry too.
‘What if you die too, Daddy?’ Flo looks at me through the tears and my stomach turns to concrete.
‘Or Auntie Holly.’
‘We’re not going to die, I promise you that we’ll always be here to look after you.’ Lou and I made a pact years ago never to make the children promises we weren’t certain we could keep, but just this once I think she’d forgive me, because our children desperately need to hear that they won’t lose anyone else.
‘Mummy loved the two of you more than anything in the world.
I do too, and so does Auntie Holly.
We promised Mummy that we’d make our love even bigger than it was already, because she isn’t here any more to give you her share, and you don’t need to worry about anything.
We’re going to be here, and whenever you want to talk about Mummy, or you’re missing her hugs, all you have to do is say.’
‘Is she in heaven?’ Flo’s eyes are still round with concern, but some of the tension seems to have left her face, and I nod my head.
I don’t know if I believe in any of that, and the truth is until Lou died I’d have said it was a fairy tale to make loss more bearable.
But what else was my life with Lou, if it wasn’t a fairy tale? We should never have got together after the way we met, or had such amazing children with incredible ease, when Holly fought like mad and never got the chance to be a mother.
Okay, so our happy ever after might have been cut far too short, but as I look at our children, I realise our story isn’t over, even without Lou.
‘Does Mummy live on a cloud?’ For a moment Flo’s question takes me by surprise, but what shocks me even more is that there’s a bubble of laughter trying to get past the lump in my throat that I thought might stop me from ever laughing again.
And when I look across at Holly, her lips are twitching too, but it’s Holly who regains her composure first to answer Flo’s question.
‘I don’t know, darling, but whatever it’s like in heaven, Mummy will be happy.
She’ll miss you and Stan like mad, but she’ll be with our grandparents, so she won’t be alone.
Best of all she’s not poorly any more, and she’ll be so proud of you both and never stop loving you.’
I hope with all my heart that Holly’s description of where Lou is now is true, but even if it’s not I’m certain it was the right thing to say.
The smile on Flo’s face and the calming of Stan’s tears are enough to convince me of that.
Maybe I was wrong about what happens after someone dies, I don’t know.
But there’s something else I know I was wrong about, when I said Holly had never got the chance to be a mother.
She’s been like a second mother to the children from the moment they arrived.
It can’t make up for losing their mum, nothing ever could, but they really do have the next best thing and it’s the closest to a happy ever after my children could ask for, in a life without Lou.