Chapter 40
40
‘He’s back then,’ Dawn remarked as she drew up outside Jade’s cottage just after 9p.m. She indicated the outline of Finn’s Toyota parked on the verge outside. ‘Couldn’t have had that much to detain him in Nottingham.’
‘No,’ Jade said, feeling excitement tighten her stomach. It felt like he’d been gone forever. How had he got into her heart like this? How had she let him when she knew nothing could ever come of it?
‘Go on, then,’ Dawn prompted. ‘If you don’t mind me saying, you look worn out. You could probably do with a decent night’s sleep.’
‘I am a bit tired.’ That was the understatement of the year. Jade felt shattered. Not just because of working flat out, but because she was so torn apart with wanting to go to bed with Finn again, and worrying about what would happen if she did.
‘Thanks so much for coming to do that home check tonight,’ Dawn added. ‘Chloe’s going to be thrilled to bits when she sees Tiny. I was worried for a while you were going to change your mind about them having him. ’
‘No, he’s much better off with them than here. He’ll make a lovely family pet. They can come and get him tomorrow. Any time after nine.’ Jade got out of the car and stood in the darkness, gathering herself before she went in.
Her stomach was fluttering as she went into the lounge, which was also in darkness. Finn must be in bed. She didn’t know whether to be relieved or disappointed. She was just reaching for the light switch when Finn said, ‘Hi, Jade.’
She jumped and spun round to face him.
‘Sorry – I didn’t mean to startle you. I must’ve fallen asleep in the chair.’ He stood up, his words slowing, and came across the room towards her. ‘Is everything OK? I’ve missed you.’
‘Everything’s fine,’ she said, looking into his tired eyes and knowing that now he was here, it was. ‘You should be in bed.’
‘Is that a proposition?’
‘No.’ She felt a contradictory clench of lust in her groin.
‘What a shame. In that case, Jade, perhaps we could talk.’
‘What about?’
She looked wary and Finn felt his resolve weakening, but only for an instant.
‘Don’t look so worried, it’s nothing bad.’ Taking her hand, he drew her on to the sofa beside him. He had no experience of this, no preparation; he’d never told anyone he loved them before. He hoped he wasn’t going to cock it up. Every sense felt heightened. He could hear the beating of his heart, smell the apple-scented shampoo Jade used, and he could feel the warmth of her denim-clad knee against his. There was a mixture of emotions in her dark eyes and as he looked at her, Finn knew she was fighting her own internal battle. She was scared, too. They’d had similar upbringings in some ways. Both of them desperate for their mother’s love and not having it. He’d been luckier than her because he’d had Ray, who he’d always known had loved him, in his gruff, down-to-earth way, and she’d had no one.
‘I don’t want to rush you, Jade, I just want you to know how I feel.’
Jade felt light-headed. This was what she wanted. This was what she’d wanted for a long time now. To hear him say he cared about her, to be able to tell him how she felt, but as she looked into his serious grey eyes, all she felt was a tearing pain. If being away from him these past forty-eight hours had taught her anything it was that she couldn’t carry on lying to him. Couldn’t let him bare his soul to her, knowing she hadn’t been honest with him.
‘Finn, wait a minute.’ She put her hand on his arm and he hesitated. ‘Before you say anything else, there are things you should know.’
‘I know everything I need to know about you.’ His eyes were soft.
‘No, you don’t.’ She stood up abruptly. This would be easier if they weren’t touching each other. She didn’t want to feel his recoil. She paced to the window and looked out at the dark night.
It was months until Sarah’s wedding day, but this couldn’t wait. Every second she spent in Finn’s company would make it harder to tell him the truth. And a great deal more painful when she did. Was she being utterly selfish? She wasn’t sure any more. Betraying her best friend was something she’d sworn she’d never do, but living with this lie was worse.
‘It’s about Sarah,’ she whispered, turning around at last to face him.
He stayed where he was, frowning slightly, his long legs stretched out in front of him. ‘I thought we’d already sorted that out, Jade. It was a long time ago. I thought you understood that I wished it had never happened. And by the way she avoids me at every possible opportunity, I’d say she feels the same.’
‘No, you don’t understand.’ She’d always known this wouldn’t be easy, but it was ten times worse than she’d anticipated.
‘Finn. That night that you and Sarah made love…’
‘I wouldn’t have called it that.’
Best to spit it out – just say the words she knew could never be taken back. The words that were going to end her relationship with him and very likely her friendship with Sarah, too.
‘Sarah got pregnant that night, Finn. She got pregnant with Ben.’
For a moment, he didn’t react. Then his face went very still. Jade swallowed and backed up against the window and folded her arms in a little gesture of self-defence.
‘Are you saying that Ben’s my son?’ He still didn’t get up, but she could see tension in every line of his body, from the straightness of his arms to the rigid planes of his face.
She nodded, and now he did get to his feet and he came slowly across towards her. Very self-contained, every movement controlled. When he was a step or so away, he put his hands on her arms. His touch was light and his voice was icy calm.
‘How long have you known this, Jade?’
She looked into his eyes, wanting to lie. Wanting to say, ‘Just a few days. Sarah told me when you were in Nottingham, which is why I’m telling you now.’ Because then the lie wouldn’t be so long lived, so treacherous.
‘I’ve always known,’ she whispered.
‘I see.’ He let go of her arms, went across the room, still at the same unhurried pace, and picked up his jacket and car keys.
‘What are you going to do?’
‘I should think that’s pretty obvious.’
‘You can’t go round there. Ben doesn’t know who his dad is. And Callum – well, Callum thinks he left when he found out Sarah was pregnant.’ So many lies, she thought. Lies that she’d helped to perpetuate. And she’d have given all that she owned for things to be different. Not to be the one standing here delivering the death blows.
‘Well, maybe you’d better phone and warn her then, Jade.’ His voice was clipped and he turned and looked at her, and for the first time she could see the icy fury in his face. ‘What the fuck did you expect me to do?’
For a few moments after the door slammed behind him, she stayed where she was in the window. But when his taillights drew away and she knew it was real, she was galvanised into movement.
She hadn’t thought Finn knew where Sarah and Callum lived, but then she realised she was being na?ve. He could have seen it on Ben’s school bag, or Ben could even have told him. She felt a twist of pain at the thought of Ben and the chaos this could bring into his safe little world. Oh, God, what had she done? She should have kept her mouth shut; she should have just told Finn she didn’t want a relationship with him. Made him walk away.
She hadn’t done that because she cared about him too much, she realised as she got out her phone to call Sarah and saw her hands were shaking. You couldn’t lie to someone you cared about. Not forever. A decent person wouldn’t have done it for this long.
Finn had a little trouble finding the road where Sarah lived, but no trouble at all finding the house because it was the only one with lights on at the front. It was 10.45p.m. and the other residents of Arleston must be tucked up in bed – but Sarah was obviously prepared for him, he thought, slamming the car door and striding up the garden path.
She opened the door before he could ring the bell. Her face was white and her blonde hair all fuzzed up, as if she’d just got out of bed. Her tee-shirt was on inside out. And back to front too, by the look of it, the label sticking up at her throat.
She gestured silently towards the lounge door and he strode past her. He half expected Callum to be waiting in there, but there was no sign of him. He stood in the middle of an untidy room, letting his gaze travel over gilt-framed photographs of Sarah, Ben and Callum on the walls and on top of the television. The child he had never known was his, so clearly a part of someone else’s life. The sofa was littered with soft toys. Sarah bent to move them, but he shook his head.
‘I’m not stopping. You’ve spoken to Jade, I take it.’
She nodded. Her blue eyes were wide and afraid. ‘What are you going to do?’
‘It’s more a case of what you’re going to do,’ he said, his voice quiet. ‘I want Ben to know I’m his father. I want to be involved in his life. I’ve missed far too much of it already.’
‘I can’t.’ She took a couple of small steps away from him. ‘He thinks his dad’s long gone and Callum thinks he did a runner.’
‘Then you’d better find a way of telling them the truth. I’ve had enough lying to last me a lifetime. From you and from Jade.’ He could hear the bitterness in his voice, but he couldn’t hide it. He couldn’t believe he’d spent so long playing softly softly with Jade, doing all he could to earn her trust, and she’d been deceiving him all this time.
‘Finn, please – you have to give me some time. We’re getting married.’
‘You’ve had the best part of seven years already. I think that’s plenty of time, don’t you?’ He strode across the room towards the door. ‘Oh, and Sarah…’ He paused and looked back at her. ‘I shan’t say anything to Ben because I think it should come from you. But that doesn’t apply to Callum. Bear that in mind.’
He could hear her sobbing as he let himself out of the front door, but he was too angry to care.