Chapter 42
42
‘You’ve got to come, Auntie Jade. Everyone’s coming and Miss Benson says I might win a prize.’ Ben, who was painting a picture at Sarah’s kitchen table, gazed across at her with Finn’s eyes. The likeness between them caught at her heart and Jade knew she’d never again be able to look at Ben without seeing Finn. She swallowed down a bittersweet ache of longing.
Everyone meant Finn and Sarah, Jade guessed, and she hated the idea of trailing behind them like a spare part at Ben’s school. But that was her problem, not Ben’s.
‘Of course I’ll come, darling. When is it?’
‘It’s on Saturday afternoon,’ Sarah said, coming back into the lounge with two mugs of coffee and meeting Jade’s eyes over Ben’s head. ‘Are you sure you won’t be too busy, Jade? Isn’t that your busiest day?’
Sarah was trying to let her off the hook and she was grateful, but she didn’t see why Ben should be disappointed to spare her feelings.
‘I won’t be too busy. Which painting have you entered?’
‘The one of Ashley. Daddy Finn says it’s the best. ’
She blinked. It was hard to get used to him saying Daddy Finn, but the words tripped off his tongue as easily as he’d once said Daddy Callum. He’d barely mentioned Callum, Sarah had told her. Perhaps children of his age did adjust more easily to change. He’d accepted Sarah’s explanation that she’d made a mistake about his father having run away and he’d seemed happy to accept that not all fathers lived with you. That probably applied to half his class, Jade reflected.
‘I’ve got a Grandad Ray who lives in Nottingham and he’s going to take me to see Robin Hood and he’s going to teach me how to fire proper arrows,’ Ben carried on happily.
‘Is he, sweetheart?’ She wondered what Ray made of it all. She guessed he’d be thrilled to bits, once he’d got over the shock. Finn was pleased. He hadn’t said as much, he was barely speaking to her, but for some reason now that she didn’t need to try and work out what he was thinking, it seemed that she usually could. He and Ben had renewed their friendship as if there had never been a gap.
Finn was still living with her – or rather he was living in the same house. But he was going back to Nottingham straight after the art competition.
Jade was worried about Sarah, though. She’d lost weight over the last couple of weeks. Her usual flippant manner had all but disappeared and although Jade had tried to get her to talk, she had said very little about Callum.
‘If I talk about him, I’ll fall apart,’ she’d told Jade the previous night. ‘And I can’t afford to fall apart. It’s not fair on Ben.’
The judging of the art competition was taking place in the assembly hall of Ben’s school. Sarah, Finn and Jade wandered around, looking at dozens of paintings displayed on the walls and on several big green screens. The paintings were divided by age groups of the children. Ben had temporarily abandoned them to chat to some mates across the other side of the room.
They paused, yet again, to admire Ben’s painting of Ashley trotting across the field. Ben had got the chestnut shine on Ashley’s coat very close to the original and there was a sense of movement running through the picture.
‘It’s very hard to draw horses, but he’s got the perspective just right,’ said a voice from behind them, and they turned to see Miss Benson.
Sarah smiled at her. ‘I’m so proud of him.’
‘Do you paint?’ Miss Benson went on. ‘It often runs in families.’
‘He gets it from his father,’ Sarah explained, touching Finn’s arm, and Jade saw pride leap into his eyes.
‘I dabble a bit, that’s all,’ he murmured, flushing, and he and Sarah exchanged a ‘proud parents’ glance. Jade knew it was irrational and stupid, but their shared closeness made her feel as though someone had stuck a dagger into her heart.
‘Well, I’ll wish you good luck for later,’ Miss Benson went on. ‘He’s up against some stiff competition, but I’d certainly give him a prize if it were up to me.’
‘Are you all right, Jade?’ Sarah glanced at her with anxious eyes. ‘You look really stressed out.’
Jade realised Finn was looking at her, too, and avoiding his eyes, she said, ‘I’m fine. A little hot, that’s all.’
‘We could go outside for a minute. It doesn’t look as though the judging’s going to be for a while.’
But just as Sarah spoke, a voice on the microphone followed by a screech of feedback told them to start taking seats at the front of the hall, as the results of the competition were about to be announced.
Ben ran across towards them. ‘Miss Benson thinks I should sit on the end of a row in case I win a prize.’ He frowned.
‘Well, don’t look so worried,’ Sarah told him. ‘I thought the idea of entering was to win a prize.’
‘Yes, but if I don’t, I’ll feel stupid. I think I’ll sit in the middle.’
Sarah and Finn exchanged glances, and they compromised and took the last four seats of a row, Ben on the third one between Finn and Sarah, so he’d only disturb them if he did have to get up.
As they waited for the rest of the seats to fill up, Jade wished she was anywhere but here. She scanned the faces of the other parents. Right at the back of the hall she saw a flash of red hair as someone sat down. Not Callum, surely? Before she could be sure, someone sat in front of him, blocking her view. She must be mistaken. Callum was in Scotland, six hundred miles away.
Ben won a prize, as Miss Benson had predicted. Not first prize, but runner up, which he was thrilled with. He ran back to them with the trophy, a silver-plated affair in the shape of an artist’s palette, his face shining with excitement. Sarah hugged him, but he wriggled out of her grasp so he could show Finn the trophy. ‘I wouldn’t have winned it if you didn’t help me.’
‘Sure you would. You’re really talented.’ Finn hugged him too and Jade noticed Ben didn’t pull away from his father. Their bond was apparent, even now. She saw Finn wiping something that looked suspiciously like tears from his eyes and she looked away, not wanting to intrude.
It was as they filed out of the main hall that Jade saw Sarah, who was walking ahead of her and Finn, come to a sudden halt.
‘What is it?’ she asked, catching up, and then she could see for herself.
Callum was standing by Sarah’s car, his face serious, as he waited for them to reach him.
Finn glanced at Jade. ‘Do you think we should disappear?’
‘I think we should see what he wants first,’ she murmured, worry coiling in her stomach. ‘He doesn’t look very happy, does he?’
‘Hello, Daddy Callum,’ Ben said, oblivious to the adults’ tension. ‘Did you see me winned a prize?’
‘Yes, mate, I saw you.’ Callum hunkered down to Ben’s level and took the trophy from him and studied it. ‘Congratulations – and may it be the first of many.’ Then he glanced up at Sarah and added softly, ‘I came because he phoned and asked me to.’
‘You came all the way back from Scotland?’ Sarah’s face was apprehensive.
‘Well, to be truthful, I was only halfway there. The camper van broke down. I left it in the Lake District and caught the train back.’
He handed the trophy to Ben and stood up. ‘Ben told me there’d been a mistake about his dad running away. He said you’d found him.’ He glanced sideways at Finn and then he looked back into Sarah’s eyes. ‘He also said he wasn’t the kind of dad who lived with you. But the kind he’d just see at weekends. Is that true, Sarah?’
Sarah chewed her lip and nodded and wiped her face with the back of her hand.
Jade touched Finn’s arm. ‘I think we should leave them to it,’ she whispered.
When they got back to the cottage, Finn had gone upstairs to pack and now his bags were piled up by the front door, ready for him to leave first thing tomorrow. Jade heard him going up and down the stairs and cried silently over the washing-up bowl, her tears plopping into the water. She was dreading him going, but she also knew she couldn’t carry on like this. Living in the same house as him, but having him act like a polite stranger, was torture.
She wiped her eyes, splashed cold water on to her face and went into the lounge to do some paperwork. She’d barely begun when he came in, but instead of just saying goodnight and vanishing to bed, which was what he’d taken to doing lately, he sat in the chair opposite her.
‘Do you think they’ll get back together?’ he asked idly.
‘Yes, I think they will. They’re besotted with each other. They’ll have talked everything through and Callum will forgive her for sending him away and for lying to him about you.’
Finn raised his eyebrows. ‘Sometimes we can’t forgive until we understand what’s going on.’
She stared at him. It was the first thing he’d said in days that was any more than polite conversation.
‘What do you mean?’
‘Sarah told me you didn’t say anything to me about Ben because she’d made you promise you wouldn’t.’
‘That’s right,’ she said quietly, wondering where he was heading. ‘Why else do you think I’d have kept it from you?’
‘I want to know why you told me when you did. Was it because you didn’t want us to become more involved? Did you tell me because you knew it was the one thing you could say to stop things going any further?’
Jade gasped. ‘Of course not.’
He got up and came across the room and the sofa cushion dipped as he sat next to her. She glanced at him, torn between the desperate need to touch him and the fear that she’d be rejected if she did.
‘Your timing was spectacular. Why then, Jade?’
‘I…’
‘You can’t say it, can you?’ His eyes held hers. ‘You’re afraid to let go, Jade, aren’t you? You’re terrified to love anyone in case you get hurt. I think you’d rather push me away than let me get close. In case I hurt you.’
She shook her head, but he carried on talking. ‘You probably don’t even realise it yourself. These things go back to childhood. You once told me you felt you came second in your mother’s life.’
‘I did.’
‘I don’t think it’s as simple as that. Things are never black and white – but we think they are when we’re children.’
‘You don’t understand. You can’t. You weren’t there.’
‘I understand that she was a single parent and that she wanted you to have the things she never had so she worked hard so that you could. OK, maybe she was a little blinkered and she thought material things would make up for not spending time with you, but I’ll bet if you’d ever told her how you felt, she’d have been amazed. Did you ever tell her how you felt?’
‘No.’
He put his arms around her and she trembled beneath his touch. Something was tearing deep inside her. Something breaking and shattering and the pain was so deep that she wanted to die. She remembered how she’d thought that selling the hotels would help her to move on. How she’d thought that once they no longer existed neither would the pain she still carried within her. The agony of thinking she wasn’t loved, because she wasn’t worthy of it. But it hadn’t worked. You couldn’t wipe out memories, however hard you tried.
She covered her face with her hands, not wanting him to see, even though she knew it was too late to hide from him, far too late. ‘The longest time I ever held Mum’s hand was when she was dead,’ she whispered through interlinked fingers. ‘Every time I tried to touch her – even when she was ill, she shoved me away. She would never let me get close. Not even when she was dying, Finn.’
Very gently he pulled her hands away. ‘You have to let it go. Look at me, Jade.’ And because she had no choice, she looked into his eyes and his expression was so tender she wanted to weep.
‘You’re not the only one,’ he went on gruffly. ‘I’m the same, which is how I know about you. I’m going to tell you something I’ve never told anyone before. It’s about my mother.’
He started to talk, haltingly at first, his eyes clouded with pain. He told her about the night his mother had come to his room to say goodbye. About the fairy tale where the princess had something bad in her eye and how he’d been sure the same thing had happened to his mother. How he’d always thought if he’d been able to help her get it out, she wouldn’t have left him. He talked of the wall of silence his relatives had put up to protect him. About the terrible conflict he had between wanting love and being unsure that he really knew what it was. And although his words were sometimes rambling, the emotions were so eloquent that Jade wanted to cry her heart out with him.
When he finally lapsed into silence, she realised that her fingers were entwined in her lap and her shoulders were stiff with tension, because she wanted to hold Finn, to comfort him, and she couldn’t, because if she touched him she’d be lost again. She knew he was right. She was afraid of love.
‘The fairy tale you’re talking about was called The Snow Queen ,’ she said, struggling for control. ‘I remember it too. My mother used to read it to me in bed. It was to do with a magic mirror that reflected only bad things. And then one day it got broken and the glass smashed into a million pieces and it was said that if you got one of the pieces in your eye you would never see anything beautiful again. The whole world would become ugly and distorted.’
For a while she didn’t think he’d heard her, but then he gave a deep sigh. ‘Oh, Jade. All these years I’ve thought Mum had something in her eye, but it’s been me, all along. I’ve been the one who hasn’t been able to see anything clearly.’
‘It’s just a fairy tale,’ she murmured.
‘But aren’t all fairy tales based on the tiniest grain of truth? I don’t think I even knew what love was, until…’ He looked at her and broke off. ‘How do you feel about me, Jade? I need to know.’
His eyes were mesmerising. She didn’t think she’d ever be able to look away. But she felt so exposed, so afraid. Emotions spun and churned inside her and all she knew was that she never wanted him to go. Never wanted him to stop holding her.
‘Tell me, Jade.’
Still she couldn’t speak and the room around them seemed to draw in, holding its breath, waiting for her answer.
‘I can’t bear the thought of spending a second away from you,’ she whispered. ‘I’m terrified of you leaving and I’m terrified of you staying. Is that love?’
‘I think it is.’ He smiled. That wry little smile she knew so well. Then he let go of her for long enough to hold his hands out in front of him and she could see his fingers trembling.
‘I’m terrified too,’ he said. ‘For all the same reasons as you. And I’m not going anywhere. Unless you want me to go. Do you?’