Chapter 10
Beth
Beth woke after a long nap, surprised she’d slept at all. It felt strange not having Archie around. She kept feeling as though she had forgotten something. It was nice to rest and not feel so on edge, but she was missing him so much already.
Walking around her flat wasn’t helping to lift her mood. The whole place needed a facelift, and there was still some unpacking to do. Perhaps if she made it feel homelier, it would help settle her too. Jan said clear the clutter, clear the mind. Only thing was, she hadn’t unboxed much to make a mess.
It was Archie’s room she wanted to decorate but she hadn’t had the energy. Cute ducks and rabbits was her design, but all he had was his cot squashed up to her bed in her beige room.
There was definitely a lighter air about her since meeting Jan, and just saying everything out loud had made so much of a difference, she couldn’t believe it. Pearl had finally left her alone, and Jan had made herself available twenty-four seven. The last person who was there for her like that was her dad. Oh, how she missed him. Named her son after him. Hopefully her dad would be watching over her baby. Although, since hearing back from Jan that Archie was in loving hands, a weight had fallen.
‘Right!’ she told the room. ‘How about a spring clean?’
Ever since she started feeling ill, cleaning had helped. For some reason, whenever she felt panicky, she’d start cleaning, it didn’t matter what, but by the end of the chore, her nerves had settled.
The day seemed to drag, and she knew it was because Archie wasn’t there keeping her company. She wondered while unpacking some of his clothes if he missed her. Would he notice she wasn’t around? How quickly would he adapt?
All day he filled her head, even when she took a long hot soak in the bath to relax. It was laughable, as she couldn’t remember the meaning of the word, but it worked just a little.
She wished she could bottle Jan and carry her around all day. Every time she called to check in, they’d talk for a while and everything was clear. It was a good feeling, but having Archie out of sight wasn’t.
It had been agreed she would meet with Spencer at Jan’s office in a couple of days. It seemed so far away.
I need to see him .
She paced the room, wondering what to do for the best. Arrangements had been made. Why must she be the one to rock the boat? Because she missed her son so badly, it hurt.
I could call Jan .
Better still, she could just go to Spencer’s and . . .
‘And what?’ she asked the room.
The feeling of being the stranger in Archie’s life, trying for access, fuelled her enough to wrap up in some warm clothes and head off to Harbour End Road.
It was a cold brisk walk that cleared her head and nostrils. Anything could have been going on around her and she wouldn’t have noticed. Her mind too occupied with what to say to the man she was about to face.
She figured she’d have to take the hit at some point, as it was highly unlikely he wouldn’t have something to say about the way she had handled his introduction to his son.
The shops were closed by the time she made it to the harbour. It was cold and dark, even the seagulls had settled for the night.
Beth stood in the same spot she had contemplated leaving her son. The boats bobbed in the calm sea behind her, and the lights of the flats over the road were once more dimmed by drapes or blinds.
Archie’s up there .
Determined not to cry, or wait any longer, she made her way across the road and inhaled deeply.
Do it, Beth. Just knock .
One more breath for courage, and she rang the bell, feeling all life drain from her face as her eyes welled.
Just like before, it took a moment for Spencer to open the door, and she had a moment where she worried he might have left Archie in the bath.
She stared up into curious blue eyes, momentarily losing her words. He didn’t seem to recognize her, not that she was expecting him to. ‘I’m Beth Horton,’ she blurted.
The greeting left his face immediately, but she daren’t remove her eyes from his glare. Whatever he or anyone else had to say, she’d deal with it. They hadn’t a clue what she’d been through, so who were they to judge? Was he judging her? She couldn’t be entirely sure.
‘You’d better come up,’ he said softly.
She didn’t need to be asked twice. Archie was up there somewhere, along with her breath. She walked towards a gentle tinkling musical sound coming from the top of the stairs.
‘He’s just had a bath and is settled in his pram . . .’
Whatever else Spencer said faded away with the tune as Beth noticed the pram as soon as she entered the living room. Archie was mesmerized by the rotating farm animals and pleasant noise coming from the baby mobile attached to his bed for the night.
‘Hey, baby boy,’ she whispered, lightly stroking his cheek.
Archie wriggled, waking fully from his trance, and Beth lifted him immediately, bringing him close to her cheek. He smelled of fresh laundered clothes and baby shampoo.
A hand placed a blanket over Archie’s back, covering part of her too, reminding her Spencer was in the room. He stepped back and gestured to the sofa, so she sat, snuggling her baby into her some more.
It took a moment for her nerves to settle, her heart to stop weeping for her son, and for her to feel the courage needed to look her child’s father in the eye.
‘Thank you,’ she said quietly.
Spencer didn’t reply, but a small nod was offered, followed by making tea.
Beth had no idea where to start. Archie was back in her arms, closing his eyes, showing he was the only relaxed one in the room.
‘I thought I’d see you in a couple of days,’ said Spencer, standing over in the kitchen, not looking her way.
‘I know. I’m sorry to intrude like this, but I couldn’t . . .’ She dipped her head, not having the energy to explain.
‘It’s okay,’ he said, turning but still not making eye contact.
Beth could feel Archie’s slow and steady breathing as he drifted off.
‘First time I’ve seen him fall asleep so fast,’ said Spencer softly.
Guilt hit hard. Had she not abandoned her child, he would have been enjoying his usual naps. She could imagine him fretting, wondering where he was and who the stranger was. Did he call out for her inside his mind? Her heart cracked.
‘It was wrong what I did,’ she said, finding her words. ‘To you both.’ She glanced up, knowing she had to face him.
Spencer was staring back, his expression blank, but his posture relaxed as he sat on a kitchen chair. ‘Jan explained.’
‘Everything?’
His head tilted a touch. ‘No.’ Silence sat between them for a few beats, but she knew he hadn’t finished. ‘Will you tell me?’ His voice was low, gentle. Perhaps for the sleeping baby’s sake.
‘It’s not a happy story,’ she replied, still reliving the trauma.
‘That’s okay. I’m used to sad ones.’
The kettle clicked off, but Beth shook her head as Spencer gestured towards the worktop. She didn’t want to talk and sip tea as though they were friends passing the time. Truth be told, all she wanted was to curl up on the sofa and fall asleep with her son cradled in her arms. However, it was in Archie’s best interest to lie flat in his pram, so she settled him there, then herself back beneath his blanket, taking comfort in his scent embedded in the soft material.
‘You don’t have to talk about what happened right now,’ added Spencer. ‘But I would like to know one day.’
As much as she wanted it left in the past, she knew if she just got it over with now, it would be easier to move forward.
‘Everything was fine at first,’ she said, raising her gaze to meet his. His eyes didn’t hold the same warmth as Jan’s, but she could tell he was paying attention. ‘It was in the last stage of my pregnancy. I was told Archie’s stomach wasn’t growing as fast as the rest of him, so they wanted to start me off. Get him out early. So they booked me in a few days later to be induced.’
Spencer gave a slight nod, which was to be expected. It was easy for anyone to understand that part of the story. But what would he make of the rest? She still had trouble believing it herself.
Beth swallowed dryness. ‘I was so worried. My thoughts started to go all over the place. When it came to inducing labour, something happened to me that I’ve never experienced before. I didn’t know what it was at the time, but Jan explained I had a full-blown panic attack.’ She took a deep breath. ‘I locked myself in the bathroom and refused to come out, so no one actually saw what I was going through, as I didn’t want anyone to see me freaking out. Obviously I came out in the end, but it was late in the day, so they said they would try again in the morning.’
Spencer seemed frozen. She was sure he didn’t even blink.
‘The doctor asked if they could start me off the next day,’ Beth told him. ‘Then she added that they couldn’t force me. I could say no. It was as though she woke me from the nightmare I found myself in, so I said no, and she walked away.’ She lowered her gaze. ‘But it wasn’t over.’
‘Did you go home?’ he asked quietly.
Beth shook her head. ‘I was kept in for a week, and each day one of my doctors would come and ask the same question.’
‘And you kept saying no.’
‘Yes, but I didn’t know why. I wanted my baby to be safe. I wanted to give birth, but this wall kept blocking me from acting. It was so strange . . . and filled with fear.’
‘Sounds like a long week.’
‘Longest of my life. Everything about it was bizarre.’
‘Because of the invisible wall?’
Beth met his curious eyes. ‘Yes, but then I had another scan. They didn’t tell me anything, and I was too numb to ask, then after that, something snapped in me, and I let them induce me. All I kept thinking was Archie’s stomach wasn’t growing, and it was my fault. My nerves were rattling each minute of every day.’
‘And you didn’t tell anyone?’
‘I didn’t know how to express myself. It was as though someone had stolen my voice. All I knew was my baby needed to come out, and I couldn’t do it.’ She took a calming breath, desperate to hold back the tears threatening.
‘It sounds like you were very much alone, Beth.’
It was surprisingly comforting hearing him mention her name. She smiled softly. ‘I’m not sure I felt alone. I was too busy feeling insane. I wasn’t even sure I could feel emotion anymore. Like I said, I had no voice.’
Spencer shuffled in his seat, losing his relaxed demeanour. He got up to switch off Archie’s mobile. The baby was sound asleep and didn’t need it, but Beth missed the soothing music instantly. He moved to sit at the other end of the sofa. ‘I would have been your voice, Beth.’ His words were sincere, and part of her warmed.
‘It’s a strange feeling when you just shut down. Jan said it was the anxiety taking control, but when I see myself in that hospital bed, it looks like I have depression.’
‘Maybe you slipped into that state because your situation wasn’t improving. If you think about it, you were kind of running on a loop.’
Beth bobbed her head.
She watched him bite his lip. ‘They all knew me up there, and one time, I got the feeling a team of nurses were talking about me. They were huddled together by the desk, shooting daggers every few seconds.’
‘Seriously!’
She looked over at him. He seemed as tense as her. ‘I don’t know. Maybe I was just paranoid. I just wanted to go home.’
Spencer’s lip twitched. ‘And how was the birth?’
Beth relaxed into the blanket, her jaw loosening a touch. ‘All right. My midwife was lovely, so was the doctor who attended the birth, and I handled the pain as well as can be expected. The woman giving birth in the next room was screaming, but I was more into gritting my teeth. I had gas and air, and a ventouse was used, and Archie was born. All six pounds four of him.’
‘And how was his stomach?’
Beth’s anger tried to rise, but she settled herself, knowing calmness was needed in her life now. ‘The doctor who was at the birth came to see me with a chart. There were guidelines and dots. The line that represented Archie’s stomach had a dot attached underneath. That’s what the concern had been. I asked her if that was it, because I couldn’t believe how close the dot was to the guideline. I just stared at it in disbelief. I was shocked to see it touching the line, as I was expecting it to be halfway down the page.’
Spencer looked confused, and she knew how he felt. The chat in the hospital about the baby-development chart was so confusing. ‘So there wasn’t anything wrong with his stomach?’
‘Nope. The doctor gave me a sorrowful look, told me on behalf of her team they were sorry, and that the scans aren’t a hundred percent accurate. Those were her words. I was utterly gobsmacked.’
‘Then what happened?’
‘Nothing. That was it. The whole conversation lasted barely five minutes. She was just sent to explain that his stomach was perfectly fine and to say sorry. It was a short, polite apology. No fuss, no frills. And I was speechless. My mind was yelling, “That’s it! That’s where the dot is! I went through hell for that!”. They didn’t even test his stomach when he was born. In fact, they didn’t do any tests on him. The next day, I was sent home.’
‘Bloody hell, no wonder you have trauma.’ Spencer seemed to chastise himself. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to blurt that. I can just see why the experience affected you.’
Beth could see it too now Jan had made certain things clear. ‘It went on to affect me in the form of night sweats and hypervigilance. But I still didn’t know what was wrong with me until Jan explained.’ She smiled, thinking of her therapist. ‘She’s a nice lady. She simplified everything.’
Spencer gestured at the pram. ‘I noticed he eats well.’
‘There’s nothing wrong with him, that’s why.’
He flopped back, and she heard his sigh. ‘What a nightmare.’
‘Jan says I’m healing now. That’s what I have to focus on. If I keep going over it, I’ll just stress and make myself worse.’
Spencer turned, facing her full on. ‘It’s not easy healing when you have a lot going on.’
‘You mean Archie?’
He nodded. ‘Newborns are hard work. Plus, I heard you moved home recently. It’s a lot.’
Tell me about it!
Beth twiddled with the blanket. ‘I’m just glad I know what I’m dealing with now, and that I have help.’
‘You’ve got me too.’ His expression was serious, only his eyes showing a gentleness about them.
‘I thought you would hate me.’
Spencer reached for a piece of the blanket, and she wasn’t sure if he was going to hold her hand but had decided against it at the last second. ‘I don’t hate you, Beth.’