Chapter One #3
She held on tight and pressed her face into my neck, and we just breathed for a few more minutes. Then I let her slide down my body, and we breathed some more.
“I’m going to get cleaned up and get ready for bed.”
She nodded. But something about her body was now stiff when it should have been languid and sated. “Did you…”
“Yes,” she murmured. “Three times.”
I smiled, but she made her way over to the bed, and I shuffled into the bathroom. Something was wrong. What I had been feeling at Outlaws rushed through me all over again.
There was something pressing in on me, and I couldn’t name it.
It felt something like when I wasn’t sure what was going on with Verity, back when she’d dropped those bombs on me, told me that I’d had sex with her, then later on she told me we’d conceived a child, our Duel, whom she’d delivered alone and had kept secret.
A frisson of sharp uneasiness pricked my bubble of happiness and it deflated a little.
There couldn’t be any more secrets. She’d told me everything. Our love, vows, commitment were too strong for her to have kept something back. We had gone through so much, spilled everything. She’d almost died. It couldn’t be that.
But when I came back out, she was sitting on the bed, her cute white nightie with pink lace at the neck and long sleeves delicate against her skin.
“You look good enough to eat,” I said.
She gave me a quick glance, her half smile not quite reaching her eyes. Troubled by the fact that she wouldn’t meet my gaze, and even more troubled by the vulnerability I sensed in her, I tried to think of some possible reason for the sudden change in her.
“Boone,” she said, her voice wobbly. She reached over and switched on the lamp, and I saw the tears tracking down her cheeks.
I rushed to her and knelt down. “Verity, what is it?”
She wiped at her eyes and finally made eye contact. “It’s about having more children, Boone. You want more, don’t you?”
“Yes, of course. I want to fill this house with them. But if you’re not ready, we don’t have to rush—”
She covered my mouth, flinching as if my words were blows.
“It’s not that I’m not ready.”
“What is it? You’re killing me, here.”
“There could be a problem with me having more children, Boone.”
I experienced an internal avalanche—cold, fast, leveling. I hadn’t known I could hurt like this again. I dropped my hands, and she curled into herself at my reaction. I couldn’t help it. More secrets, after we had been so solid.
“I can’t believe you held this back. After all we’ve been through.”
“I didn’t do it on purpose, Boone. There was so much bitterness churning when I came back here.
My only goal was to tell my parents I was leaving and go.
I had no intention of staying. I was so angry with you.
Then, there was telling you that we had sex and I’d gotten pregnant, giving Duel up for adoption, and then getting stabbed by Billy Joe.
It was all so emotional, then we…” she trailed off with a little hitch in her breathing…
“fell in love and got married and the miracle happened and we got Duel back.”
I sat back on my heels, my gut clenching so hard, I thought I might be sick. “What did you mean there’s a problem?”
“I had a small uterine rupture during the birth of Duel. I had a lot of bleeding, and it was touch and go there for a bit. Then they realized what had happened. I’d had it repaired, old trauma when I was a kid—a bus accident.
The doctor told me pregnancy might be risky, that scar tissue just wasn’t as flexible.
I could have another full rupture, and it would be dangerous.
I should probably not have any more children.
But that was her opinion. I’m not the same person I was before.
I want to try to get pregnant. I’m not barren. I can’t see myself as barren.”
A knot of desolation bloomed in my chest and expanded with every word. No more children . It was almost gibberish to me. I was a triplet, had two brothers, and I couldn’t imagine Duel might never experience the kind of closeness I’d had. It felt surreal, as if I might be dreaming.
The other thing that utterly terrified me was that I could lose her, and I’d already came so close. Panic escalated the impact of all the other stuff that was cresting like a gigantic wave, ready to swamp me.
“It’s too risky. I don’t agree. I’m not getting you pregnant.” I couldn’t lose her. I couldn’t.
“Boone, don’t be so negative. We can talk about this.”
I shook my head, my fear like a live thing.
There was a soft, muffled sound, and my heart jammed up in my chest, and then started to pound in a different rhythm. I leaned forward and brushed back her hair.
“Ah, don’t, Verity,” I whispered. “Please.”
But she was losing it, and I came up off the floor onto the bed beside her. I caught her by her upper arms, pulling her against me. “Come here, baby,” I murmured gruffly. “Come on, darlin’.”
She resisted for a moment, then relented, her arms sliding around me. “I’m so sorry, Boone,” she sobbed against my neck. “So sorry.”
“I know you are,” I whispered.
I was sure it was shock. I was getting numb. I couldn’t think about my reaction, not with the tears streaming down Verity’s face, not with all the love I felt for her trying to ward off my disappointment in her, her inability to face and deal with these kinds of awful things.
Trying to stay detached from the roiling emotion, I held her tightly, folded back against the pillows, and worked us underneath the covers.
Turning off the light, I rested my chin on the top of her head, rubbed her back, waiting for the tension to ease.
No matter what, I couldn’t vent my anger or disappointment.
I wasn’t going to try to figure it out now, but something had happened here tonight that left me feeling pretty shaky. As if something that had been supporting me was no longer there, as if my whole life was dropping down on top of me.