Chapter Six
VERITY
The next week was a bad one for me.
Boone remained distant, almost as though he had physically separated himself from everyone, but in other ways there was a new level of carefulness between us.
As if we both recognized the fact that we were on very shaky ground, with neither of us wanting to cause any more damage.
I couldn’t define it, really, but it showed up in a dozen little ways, like when I made him his favorite meal, and he made a point of thanking me.
And when he took a basket of laundry and put it away, I made sure I let him know I appreciated it.
But our conversation was always strained and meager, as if we were skirting a danger zone—and I had slept alone ever since the night we brought Henry into our home.
I often lay awake, listening for sounds from the living room, hoping that something, anything would bring him to me.
But I knew it wouldn’t happen, and I missed him so much it felt as if someone had torn my heart out.
But then I would catch him watching me, his eyes so stark and somber, and I would have to go into a different room.
I hadn’t cried as many tears in my whole life as I cried that week.
I was standing at the kitchen sink, scrubbing some potatoes for potato salad. It was Friday, exactly one week after I’d learned I was truly unable to bear children. I was getting my courage up to schedule the surgery to tie my tubes, and my heart was heavy.
I hadn’t been sleeping well, and even scrubbing potatoes seemed to take an enormous amount of effort. I didn’t know how to undo the damage I’d done without it seeming like a blatant attempt to do just that. It had to be honest…
“Will he go to heaven?”
I looked down at Henry, who was watching me. He was such a good kid, helping me as much as he could, and Duel, who was napping, adored him.
“Pardon?”
“Bonkers. If he dies, will God take him up there? He was protecting me. That makes a difference to God, doesn’t it?”
I dropped the potato I had just cleaned, then bent down and gathered him against me. One of his little-boy arms slipped around my neck, his other arm still in a sling. “Oh, Henry. Of course, he will, baby. I’ll have my daddy say a prayer for him on Sunday. He’s a very brave little dog.”
“My mom gave him to me. I love him, but not only because she gave him to me. He’s fun and cute, and he loves to play with his red ball.”
I wiped a tear off his cheek. “I know you do, and I know you’re worried, Henry. I know how much it hurts. But, Bonkers is strong and he’ll pull through.”
He looked at me, his small face solemn. Then his eyes filled up, and his mouth started to tremble. “What is going to happen to me?” he whispered. “I’m an orphan.”
I hugged him, cuddling him close, not wanting to break down in front of my small charge. I couldn’t do that to him, because adults had to be strong—and face the awful stuff.
Struggling against the terrible pressure in my chest, I smoothed down his hair.
“Don’t worry about that right now, Henry.
Everything will work out just the way it’s supposed to.
You just spend your time getting excited about Santa Claus coming in a week, and the gallery Christmas party is tomorrow.
Do you trust me?” I asked, my voice unsteady.
I felt him dash away his tears; then he pulled out of my arms. Wiping away a smear of moisture on his cheek, I lifted his face again. “Okay?”
He nodded.
“Come with me.” I held out my hand, and I led him into my bedroom, where I pulled open a trunk. I had been working on what was inside and had just finished it yesterday. I knelt down and brought him over to kneel with me.
I reached into the trunk and pulled out the first Christmas stocking. “Here is Boone’s. Can you hold that for me?”
He took the stocking from me, and I pulled out one for me, and one for Duel. I took Boone’s from him and laid them on the floor, so our names were showing, and then I dipped in and brought out the last one.
I set it in his hands, and he looked down at it and then back up at me, those sad little eyes sparking. He turned it over, and he gasped. Very deliberately, he laid his stocking down with ours.
“That’s right, Henry. Now let’s get Duel and hang them up.”
Duel was already waking up when we went to his room. The three of us trooped to the fireplace, and I set the hooks. I hung up mine, then reached down and lifted Henry to my hip, handing his to him. With a beaming smile, he caught the loop of the stocking on the hook.
“Me next, Mommy,” Duel said with his arms up.
I set Henry down. “Yes,” I said giving him a kiss on his downy cheek. “You’re next.”
I handed him his, and he hung it up.
“What about Boone’s?” Henry asked.
“We’ll take care of that when he’s here. Okay?”
Henry nodded.
With so many last minute preparations, time flew, and before I knew it we were at the gallery.
I could barely contain my mirth at the sight of Boone and Booker in the elf costumes I made for them.
Aubree, River Pearl, and I jingled as much as they did.
I wasn’t sure how my man was able to make jingle bells and pointy toe shoes sexy, but he did.
When they arrived, River Pearl came and got Boone, saying Brax wanted to see him. He disappeared into the back.
I walked through the gallery, stopping to admire Creed’s metal interpretation of a full-sized Rudolph.
It was a three-dimensional wire sculpture with a glowing red lightbulb nose, and stunningly artistic along with a whimsical snowman and a whole winter wonderland done in metal.
Stunning. My dress and sketches were artfully displayed, with the white boned corset top and the tulle tutu-inspired skirt on an elegant mannequin.
I couldn’t wait to wear it for New Year’s Eve.
The six of us planned to go to New Orleans and hit Bourbon Street.
I walked around enjoying the rest of it, Booker’s pages so beautifully presented, Brax’s cakes and food display mouth-watering, and then several of Boone’s boards for the first English garden he did, with pictures of the final installation. I was so proud of him.
Then I got to the Santa wall and, of course, immediately looked for Duel’s letter. When I found it and started to read, clarity washed over me in a frantic rush, and I found myself trembling all over.
Dear Santa –
I know I’m just a little kid, but I want to give up my present for this year.
I really wanted a big wheel, but that can wait.
I want to ask for a miracle for my mommy.
I’m not sure if you can grant those, but I’m thinking you probably can because you’re Santa.
I can’t ask for something specific, because Mommy has to decide the kind of miracle she needs.
It’s up to her. Just give her double this year, whatever she wants, because I love her and want her to be happy.
Love, Duel
P.S. Don’t eat the cookies. I think they might be poisoned. Mommy went wrong somewhere.
P.S.S. Eat the cookies at my Uncle Braxton’s house. He can really cook.
I laughed through my sudden tears at that last part, and the selfie of Boone and Duel mugging it for the camera. My heart was so full.
Boone was right. I kept things from him because I hated to deal with awful stuff. The thought that I had purposely withheld the fact that I might not be able to bear any more children made me sick to my stomach.
My only defense was my fear. My overwhelming fear that somehow Boone would find me lacking.
But it was clear to me that he hadn’t. He wanted to move forward.
I was the one holding back—resisting commitment to any of our many options.
And we had them! My sweet boy was my anchor.
My husband, Boone Duel Outlaw, was my anchor, and Henry was our gift.
We were a family, and if I let go of my preconceived notions about what constitutes a family, I could let go of my fear-filled past and face our loving future, united with Boone.
I hurried over to the area where there was a lot of ho ho ho-ing going on. My breath caught, and I smiled, feeling lighter than I had in days. Braxton Outlaw was now wearing an elf costume, and Boone had Henry on one knee and Duel on the other.
Afterward, Rory did tattoos for all the kids; the actor River hired was fabulous; and to top it all off, a funny, cute, and interactive puppet show thrilled the kids to the point that the excited chatter and squeals of delight were deafening. Then they each got to open presents.
I cornered Boone later on and kissed him, Santa beard and all. Okay, so I had a little bit of a crush on Santa. I said, “Since I made this costume, maybe later, you know, you could wear it for me…”
He chuckled. “You are so kinky. I’m all for a midnight ride, and I don’t even need cocoa to warm me up.”
I laughed back and indulged myself in more Santa kisses.
The weekend passed in a whirl of activity, with last-minute Christmas shopping and mass, and a special prayer for Bonkers that made Henry smile when my father delivered it and asked us all to pray at the end of mass.
When Monday came, I got on the phone with my specialist and let her know I was ready for the surgery, and what I wanted to do with my options. The smile in her voice was golden. Then I called Aubree and talked to her for a long time. My heart was filled to overflowing by her generosity and love.
When Boone came home, I called Henry and Duel.
“What’s this about?” he demanded, eyeing me, and the lightness of my steps.
“We didn’t get around to hanging your stocking,” I said.
He looked at the fireplace and his eyes widened. He had missed Henry’s stocking, he’d been so preoccupied. He turned to look at me his heart in his eyes and something else that made my chest ache. Hope.
I handed his stocking to him, he set it on the hook, and our family was complete.