Chapter 28
Chapter twenty-eight
Tristan
I’d never been more scared in my life than the moment Kate went limp in my arms. I’d never felt more helpless, either. I had no idea what to do and probably would have carried her to the hospital if Nancy hadn’t stopped me and called the ambulance.
By then, Kate had come to, and even though she’d thrown up four more times before they got there, she was very adamant about the fact that she didn’t need to go to the emergency room.
I was very adamant she had to.
The EMT agreed with me.
Over three hours after we’d arrived—and I didn’t even know how many tests later—she was finally given the all-clear to go home under the condition that she couldn’t be alone.
She’d told the doctor she’d call her sister to stay with her, but there was no way I was letting her out of my sight.
“Where are you going?” Kate asked from the passenger seat. “You missed my turnoff.”
“Not going to your place.”
“Tristan,” she sighed. “I’m not staying at yours either.”
I stole a quick glance at her. Her skin was pale as fuck, and although her eyes looked sunken, some of her fierceness had returned.
“Since you’re my wife, I reckon it’s better to say our place.”
She pursed her lips, frustration written all over her pretty face. “Seriously? Izzy can—”
“Not happening. You’re staying with me.”
If she had even half of her strength, she would’ve fought me on this. Instead, her attention shifted to the city beyond the window.
“I’m not your responsibility,” she muttered.
No, she wasn’t. But I wanted her to be. Wanted to be the one to take care of both her and Millie. Even if I didn’t know the first thing about being that person for anyone else.
I couldn’t tell her that. Not yet anyway; that was why I kept my mouth shut until I parked my Mercedez in its spot in the garage. Cutting the engine, I stepped out. Kate didn’t fucking move. With a quick, fortifying breath to my lungs, I rounded the vehicle and opened her door.
Hands folded in her lap; she stared out in front of her. “Take me home.”
A better man would have done what she’d asked. Hell, a better man wouldn’t have brought her here in the first place. Good thing I never claimed to be the better man.
“No.” I leaned over her and barely resisted the urge to press my lips against hers before I released her seat belt. “You have two choices here, Kitty Kat. Get out of the car by yourself or…” I held out my hand, wiggling my fingers. “I help you out and carry you inside.”
Fierce and hot, her gaze snapped to mine. Those eyes bored into me for a few intense seconds before dropping to my hand. She stared at it for far longer.
“Why won’t you just take me home?” Her voice was begging, pleading with me to make her understand. But how could I when I didn’t fully understand any of this myself?
Squatting beside her, I caressed her jaw, urging her gaze to mine. “Let me take care of you, Kate.”
“I can’t.”
Gritting my teeth, I ground out, “Why the fuck not?”
“Because…” As quickly as she’d opened her mouth, she slammed it shut again.
I wanted to grab her by the shoulders and shake her until she told me why the hell she was so intent on fighting this thing between us.
Because there was a fucking thing.
“I’ll get out,” she finally said, voice resigned.
With my fingers threaded through hers, we headed to my apartment. I didn’t let go when we stopped to get my mail and messages from Ezekiel at the front desk. I didn’t let go when we stepped in the elevator.
I was half tempted to keep holding on to her when we entered my apartment but opted for deadbolting the door and tucking the key in my pocket...for safekeeping. Maybe I’d let up a little after she got some rest and her skin regained some of its color.
Maybe I wouldn’t.
I wanted Kate here...under my roof where I could keep an eye on her, where I could protect and comfort her.
Shoving my hands in my pockets, I led the way to my bedroom. She’d be sleeping in my bed.
“Are you hungry?” I asked.
“No.” Her hoarse voice didn’t sound as close as she’d been earlier. “Before you ask, I’m not thirsty either.”
I’d get electrolytes and bland snacks, in case. Right now, I needed her to get enough rest for her body to recover. The only problem was, Kate seemed to be stuck in the hallway.
“Why aren’t you moving?” I hurried back. “Do you feel sick?”
Focused on something over my shoulder, she shook her head.
“Then what is it, baby?” Cupping her face, I stroked my thumb over her cheeks. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
Her gaze met mine. She blinked, then blinked again, her eyes turning glossier with every flutter of her lids.
Whether she meant for them to or not, those walls crumbled to the ground faster than lightning could strike, and fuck me, I almost couldn’t stand what I saw.
“I wish I could be like you.” The words tumbled out of her mouth barely above a whisper. “Wish I could have a different man in my bed every night without facing any emotional consequences.”
What the fuck? There’d be no other man in her bed besides me. I was about to tell her as much when she pulled out of my grasp and padded to the wall of windows in the living room.
Gaze fixed on the city below, she wrapped her arms around her middle. “You’d asked about my walls earlier. About why they were always up.” A sad smile touched her lips. “They were there because I need them to be. Especially with you.”
“Me? Why?” I croaked.
I wanted to touch her as desperately as I craved to take my next breath. My hand was already halfway in the air. But something warned me that she needed space from me right now.
As much as I hated the thought, I’d respect it all the same. That was why I curled my fingers into a fist and shoved them into my pocket instead.
Still hugging, or shielding, herself, she finally faced me. “Do you know how many times I’ve been in this apartment, in this room, while you had some woman waiting for you in your bed?” Her tongue flicked over her bottom lip. “Too many times to count.”
Funny, usually when someone threw my lifestyle in my face, I didn’t care. Not now. Shame coated my skin. I was embarrassed and angry at myself for being so fucking careless.
“I’m not judging,” she added. “You’re a grown man. You can do whatever you want. I’m trying to explain.” A heavy sigh blew over her lips. “Not well, apparently.”
Another harsh breath left her lungs as she tried to push her unruly curls out of her face. They bounced back instantly.
“I’ve only been with one man.” Her cheeks turned red, and she stepped away from the window. Away from me. Inside my pocket, I balled my fist tighter. “I dated Bryce for over a month before I let him kiss me. Even longer before I slept with him.”
“Why the fuck are you talking about that dickhead right now?” The angry words were out before I could stop them. Not that I wanted to fucking stop them. I didn’t want to know about that asshole touching her, kissing her, or being inside her.
Not fazed by my outburst, she shrugged. “Don’t you get it?
I’m trying to tell you, anything physical comes from some emotional place inside me.
The first guy to kiss me, to touch me”—she’d said the last part a lot softer—“since Bryce, was you. I don’t jump from bed to bed whenever the mood strikes. ”
And I had.
I’d fucked for the sake of fucking. Because losing myself in a warm, willing body was better than jerking off alone in the shower. Difficult to admit but that was the reason why I’d done it.
I wasn’t lonely. I didn’t go out to fill some void.
I just liked to fuck. And for the first time in my life, I despised myself for it.
I was ashamed over the careless way I’d treated sex.
It would’ve been so easy to blame the example I’d seen growing up.
Heaven knew, that’s probably where most, if not all, of my detachment stemmed from.
But doing that would’ve been such a cop-out.
That was why I didn’t answer. Replaying her words in my head, I decided to latch on to the one thing she hadn’t said out loud.
Kate felt something for me.
“So, the reason you bolted out of here that first time I kissed you…and the sudden shutdown this morning…”
She acknowledged my unasked question with a nod. “I can’t be another body to warm your bed.”
“But you’re not.” Rushing forward, I took her hand and pressed it against my heart. “You make me feel, Kate.”
She hit me with that damn sad smile again. “You think so, but you’re just caught up in the chase.”
“Give me the credit of knowing my own feelings.”
Her gaze roamed my face. “I’m only interesting because I’m probably the only woman to ever say no to you.
As soon as I give in, as soon as you’ve had me, all of me, you’ll move on.
” Her eyes glistened. “And I’ll still be stuck right here.
” Pulling her hand out from under mine, she stepped back.
“I’m scared, Tristan. My heart isn’t safe with you.
” Her gaze locked on to something over my shoulder.
It stayed there as her next words tumbled over her lips.
“Maybe it’s selfish or completely illogical, but I don’t want to hurt again.
With Bryce...” With a shake of her head, those eyes were finally on me.
“It wasn’t as intense as...” Her jaw clenched, and her throat bobbed with a hard swallow.
“I can’t afford to be a broken mess. Not when I have a little girl to take care of. ”
I hated that fucking asshole and her sister for causing her so much hurt that even years later Kate still had a hard time trusting people. I hated myself too. For not being a better person. For not being the kind of man she deserved.
“I know I haven’t given you any reason to trust me. Thing is, when it comes to feelings and expressing them, hell, even actually feeling them, I’ve never had the best example.” Raking a hand through my hair, I ignored the uneasiness sliding down my spine. I never talked about my parents.