Chapter 41 – Juliana
I t’s been over a week since that night.
We haven’t argued anymore, but we’re not back to how it was either.
It’s miserable, a misery I never expected to experience again.
Except, it’s completely different than Chad’s betrayal.
Liam’s simply been hoping that I might someday return his feelings, and all I handed him were my doubts.
“I’ll be home in time to make you dinner,” he says in that awful distant tone again. “You should get off your feet once you’re able. I’ll take care of everything tonight.”
I glance down at my slightly puffy ankles, struggling to ignore my aching back.
Ignoring the pain in my heart is impossible.
I give him a nod before he strides away outside the doctor’s office where we just had my thirty-four week visit.
Soon, I’ll be seeing Dr. Mallard every week until I deliver.
Liam is as attentive as ever on all fronts when it comes to my health and the baby’s, but he doesn’t linger by my side.
I can tell he doesn’t want to be alone with me.
I’m not sure if he’s more afraid of losing control again in a physical sense, or if he can't bear my closeness right now. All I’m sure of is that we’re both hurting.
If only I could unhinge my damn jaw and say the right words at the right time for once in my life. If only I could give him all the love I feel inside, the way he deserves, without questioning myself every step of the way.
Deep in my thoughts, my feet turn in a familiar direction without me realizing it. I’m at her door before I’ve thought it through at all, but I don’t turn away. I don’t have an appointment, and she has every right to not see me now. But, that’s not really her style.
“Juliana? This is a surprise,” Becca says, stepping back and welcoming me into the cozy waiting room. She doesn’t have a receptionist. She simply comes out to fetch her patients at their appointed time.
I always enjoyed sitting in this little room, knowing that soon I’d see the wise woman who seemed to have all the answers. It’s not that simple though. Growth isn’t easy. It’s not meant to be.
“I’m sorry I’ve missed our appointments. I’m sorry… I’ve missed seeing you.” She nods with an understanding look, knowing I have more to say. “I was wondering if…”
My emotions have been right at the surface for weeks and weeks now, always threatening to drag me under.
I hated the thought of that with a passion, recalling the way I bawled my eyes out the first couple of months after I caught Chad.
Before Liam made me laugh again. I’ve fought against that same feeling for nearly two weeks.
I have a feeling I’ll lose that fight today.
“Am I too broken to love someone again? To love them the way they deserve?”
Becca’s brown eyes soften as she gently cups my elbow. “Never. Not in a million years.”
The tears escape, a few fat drops rolling down my cheeks are soon followed by more and racking sobs. Becca leads me inside, telling me to let it out. I want to. I want to let it out, so maybe I can finally let him in. For good.
∞∞∞
Even though it was healing in many ways, I was incredibly drained after that visit with Becca yesterday.
I texted Liam afterwards and told him I was going to bed early.
He didn’t argue or force me to come out and eat dinner with him once he was home, but it was impossible to hide the signs of my intense crying session this morning, and his worried glances over breakfast made me eager to dash back into my room before long.
I didn’t want to break down again or possibly make him think I was using tears to force him to hear me out.
If it wasn’t for the baby’s health, I would’ve probably spent the last two weeks lying down somewhere dark to wallow, but that’s not the woman I am.
Tonight, I grab my bag and head outside just as Liam’s Porsche rolls up to the front of the house.
He’s come straight from the office, hours after I’ve dismissed Miles for the day.
He gets out of the car and strolls around the hood to open the passenger door for me.
God, he looks good, but that isn’t why my heart leaps at the sight of him. I miss him so much.
“Right on time,” I comment, hoping to start off on a pleasant note.
“My new boss is occasionally lenient,” he replies.
Liam still holds his executive position.
It’s not like he punches a timeclock, but the CFO, an older man who had worked for Culver for many years, though he often butted heads with Liam’s father, was appointed to be the new CEO by the board.
It’s temporary because he’s going to retire in a couple of years, but it gives some stability to the company during the transition and gives Liam time to decide what he wants to do.
His eyes flit up and down my body though his smile remains tight. “You look absolutely gorgeous, honey.”
My cheeks warm with pleasure despite the permanent knot in my tummy. “Thank you.”
He’d called me earlier to say he’d be picking me up for a special dinner tonight.
I took extra pains to look my best for him, but I know he would still call me gorgeous without makeup, a new dress and my hair as perfect as it’s ever been.
That night in front of the mirror smothered the last of my doubts about what Liam sees when he looks at me.
If only I could break through his doubts regarding my feelings for him.
We fall into a discussion regarding pediatricians we’re considering during the drive.
You would almost think nothing is amiss.
When I glance around a short while later though, I realize something is not as expected.
We’ve just turned into the parking lot at Sable.
“Did you need to pick something up?” There’s only a few cars present, not the standard amount when the club is going to be open.
He parks the car before replying. “No. Come inside with me.” He opens my door and leads me to the main entrance.
It’s quiet, no music playing, and only the emergency lights are on.
There’s no Felicity or Teo to greet us either.
Seeing my baffled look, Liam says, “We’re not open for our members tonight. This is a private party for us.”
Hope, uncertainty and a healthy dose of lust surges through me as he leads me through the door to the main club area. Did he bring me here for kinky sex or-
“SURPRISE!”
A scream of terror escapes my lips due to the two dozen people who just shouted at me, and the lights coming on suddenly leave me temporarily blinded. But, Liam’s arm is securely wrapped around my waist, and I know I’m safe. Just very confused.
Then, I see the pink balloons and streamers hanging everywhere.
The sexy vibe of Sable has been transformed into the most wholesome party imaginable…
if you ignore the cages where the dancers typically perform.
A long table set out on the dancefloor is overflowing with drinks, snacks, gifts wrapped in pretty pastel-colored paper and an enormous cake with white and pink baby booties made of icing covering it.
It’s a baby shower. A private party for us, he called it.
My eyes turn glassy as our family steps forward from the crowd of friends and employees from Sable as well as Miles.
Wendy and Nell reach me first with Amelia wiggling wildly to be set loose, from baby to toddler in the blink of an eye.
My tears threaten to spill. Pregnancy hormones are doing a number on me lately, but I did enough crying yesterday.
Wendy wraps me up in a hug, causing Liam to let go of my waist. I nearly snatch his hand back, not wanting to be separated. “If Mom and Dad could see where we’re holding this…”
“They’d drop dead on the spot,” Nell finishes for her wife, both of them laughing. “Now, Liam, I’m certain you have a top-notch cleaning crew for your club but…”
Liam is in full agreement as he takes Amelia from her, asking my niece, “Have you ever played ‘the floor is lava,’ sweetheart?” She’s only eighteen months, so she just grins at him and shakes her head.
“Well, I’ll teach you the rules, and you’re going to be the best player ever.
The floor is like lava. It’s hot-hot-hot.
If you step on the floor, you get burned and you lose.
But, if you let us carry you around like a princess all night instead, you’ll get a big slice of that yummy cake over there, and you can help Aunt Juliana open all those beautiful presents. ”
Her eyes sparkle with excitement as she repeats the words cake, hot and presents several times.
Wendy and Nell smile, and my heart is a puddle seeing the way he cradles Amelia close.
I can’t even be jealous that she’s as content to be held by Liam as me.
My emotions threaten to overwhelm me again when I picture him holding our little girl like that someday.
Dean, Tabitha and Ivy greet us next while the other guests mill around the drinks.
“Ethan’s sorry he couldn’t make it to town this evening,” Dean says to me.
His smile is as tight as Liam’s was earlier.
I nod in understanding and understand that Liam’s talked to Dean at the very least about what happened between us.
“I’m sorry he couldn’t make it, too, but he’ll always be welcome whenever he wishes to spend time with his niece. You all are, of course.” Liam’s still talking to Nell and Wendy, but I don’t miss his pleased expression when he hears my words.
Dean nods and joins Liam. I’d like to return to Liam’s side where he’s still holding a squirmy Amelia, but the brothers soon have their heads together and I can’t ignore the ladies. “Any better?” Ivy asks, knowingly. I suppose I can hardly be upset he told Dean since I told her what happened.
“We’re very civil, very platonic roommates again. ”
Tabitha winces, catching the drift. “I’m sorry, Juliana. You shouldn’t have to be stressed with relationship stuff when you’re getting so close.” She gestures toward my belly.
“It doesn’t feel close enough. Six weeks to go, but this mess is on me. I haven’t figured out how to make it up to him and make him hear me out.”
“It’s not all on you,” Ivy argues. “He should’ve realized how you might misinterpret things.
I understand keeping someone’s secret, but he could’ve let you in the loop a bit.
And, him not accepting your feelings as real?
That’s bullshit. He’s just being stubborn.
If there’s one thing the four of us have in common, it’s that we can be ridiculously stubborn. ”
Tabitha nods, empathically. “That’s for damn sure.”
I think Liam’s just trying to protect his heart more than being stubborn, but Ivy’s gasp of mock outrage over Tabitha’s agreement makes it impossible to hold back my laughter.
It feels good after days on edge and helps lighten my mood, fueling my hope that Liam and I will eventually figure things out.
I look over my shoulder. He’s still talking to Dean and still holding Amelia, but he’s staring directly at me. His eyes burn with need. I need him, too.
“Which one of you arranged this?” I ask them, meaning the party before I look at Ivy. She strikes me as the sort to enjoy hosting a party.
“Not me. I’m not on the best of terms with one of the club’s owners at present,” she murmurs, tossing her chin toward the bar where Hudson is standing alone.
“Hmm. Well, the murderous glare looks good on him at least,” I admit, causing Tabitha to laugh.
Ivy rolls her eyes, but she’s smiling when she says, “This shower was all Felicity’s doing. She wanted to surprise you.”
Felicity did this despite everything she’s been dealing with?
For us, for our baby, for me. Maybe my suspicions were understandable like Ivy says given my past but, right now, I’m racked with guilt for ever harboring them.
On cue, I spot her standing across the room, blonde, elegant and beautiful, smiling at Santi, Miles and Teo.
Shoving the last of my insecurities aside and drawing a deep breath, I head her way. “I understand this was your idea. It’s perfect. Thank you.”
“It was my pleasure, Lady J,” she says, warmly.
“Juliana,” I correct. “I’d prefer it if you called me by my name. I’m not a member and you’re not my employee. Unless I’m standing on that stage again for some reason when Sable is… well, Sable , I’d rather we call each other by our names as friends do.”
Her smile brightens. “I would like that, Juliana. I’d like to be your friend.”
“And, I, yours,” I tell her, sincerely.
Music begins to play as the party really gets started.
I ask Felicity about her new apartment as we stroll toward the cake together.
Once more, I seek out Liam with my eyes and find his still on me.
I smile, but the smile he gives me in return is uncertain.
Does he worry I wanted to confirm what he told me with her? I need to fix this.
“...the moving part shouldn’t be a problem, but there’s the Truth or Dare event coming up and I’ll need to prepare for that,” Felicity mentions, handing me a glass of fruit punch.
“Truth or Dare? What’s that? I mean, in terms of Sable,” I clarify.
She grins and proceeds to fill me in.
Glancing toward the stage, an idea starts to form.
He deserves something one on one, but maybe he deserves something a bit more public, too.
I remember the night he bid on me, a million dollars for the promise of a drink with him.
He was putting himself out there even then. I’m not afraid to do that, too.
The baby starts to kick, and I smile to myself. Sable is where she was conceived, the night of the auction. Seems like a good place for me to show her dad how much I love him.