Chapter 19
Brooklyn
G reer caught me checking out Ryan’s ass in her cute new jeans as she walked back towards the lobby of the resort, and she sighed.
“I don’t know why I expect anything different,” she said, looking over her clipboard at where I stood, for once, on the other side of the poolside bar. “If you’re not here to work, you’re here with a girl you’re sleeping with.”
“That’s not true,” I said lightly. “I’ll bring around someone of any gender I’m sleeping with.”
“Okay, point taken. I did not mean to limit you.” She scribbled something on the clipboard before setting it down, looking at me. “You’re going to get us in some trouble, getting in the middle of a family like that and getting them all breathing down our necks. I had to talk to a police officer last night. He was understanding and didn’t make it difficult, but still… could you try not falling into bed with so many people it gets the police kicking down the door?”
“I can’t help how irresistible and seductive I am. Can I have a caipirinha?”
Greer let out a deep sigh. “You got it. I swear…”
She could complain, but I knew she still loved me. I was her best employee.
My head was filled with thoughts of Ryan as soon as I sat at the bar, despite my best attempts to distract myself, sipping my drink and swaying from side to side, making small talk with Greer and Ramón in between the guests here early for a Friday. Ryan and I had spent a long night together last night, the tips of her fresh new haircut brushing my face as she fell asleep in my arms, and she’d woken up with a clear resolution, I’m talking to my parents. She didn’t say it out loud, but her coming-out conversation with her siblings had clearly switched gears in her head, and I didn’t think she was coming out to her parents—not yet, at least—but she was clearly set on speaking her mind to them.
Which meant now I was hovering here worrying about her. I wasn’t normally like this with a hookup. But I wasn’t going to entertain the thought of catching real feelings for her. She was just like the others—someone fun to be inseparable from for a week or so, and then gone for good.
I was so caught up in my thoughts that I’d have missed Allison slinking past if it weren’t for Ramón saying hi to her, lighting up and waving—Allison was clearly trying to move through the crowd without being noticed, and Ramón, the most extroverted human being alive, didn’t realize somebody might have not wanted to have a conversation, which meant I got to spin around and catch Allison freezing up from where she was slinking.
“You’re not on the schedule today,” I said lightly. “What, couldn’t help wanting to see me?”
She turned, scowling at me, her hands on her hips. “What are you doing here, anyway? You’re not on today, either. Don’t tell me you had a fight with your girlfriend and that’s why you’re drinking alone at the bar…”
She was wearing the same clothes she was yesterday. That was a fun realization. I smiled broadly at her. “Ryan’s inside talking to her parents. I’m on standby for emotional support.”
Her shoulders fell. “Oh… well, aren’t we big softies?”
I tried my best to suppress my smile. I didn’t do a very good job. “So, where’s Stella?”
“Uh—” She went red, looking sharply away. “I dunno? I’m not her keeper.”
“She didn’t tell you where she was going?”
“Why… why would she?” She shifted from one foot to another. “I dunno. Ask Ryan. I’ve gotta get back to my place.”
“What, Stella kicked you out?”
“She wasn’t—”
“Oh—” I relaxed. “She just had to go for the family meetup, right?”
“Yeah.” Allison realized her mistake too late, going wide-eyed, blanching. I smiled, and she cleared her throat. “We were, uh—hanging out.”
“Congratulations.”
“There’s nothing to congratulate,” she said, blushing so violently now it was almost purplish. “I just came around to see her!”
I knocked back the rest of my drink, standing up and shooting Allison a grin. “You don’t think I’m letting you get away without telling me more.”
“There’s nothing to tell!”
“Come on. We’ll go to a quieter corner where your coworkers can’t overhear.”
“There’s nothing to overhear!”
“You can tell me in confidence, or I’ll speculate with Ryan.”
Allison went with me. A second later, we sat at a table in a quiet corner of the courtyard, tucked behind the pool and the thatched walls of the bar, our backs against the corner, the only place that was cover enough for Allison, who looked like she’d combust.
“Ryan had told me that Stella might have been curious,” I said lightly once we were safely absconded in a corner. Allison put her hands over her face.
“I don’t know what the fuck is happening.”
“Well, did you have sex, or not?”
She cleared her throat hard. “Um. Not… exactly? Kind of?”
I raised my eyebrows sky-high. “How do you kind of have sex?”
She buried her face back against her hands. “Oh, Jesus, I’m not explaining it.”
“Explain it or I’ll ask Stella, and she’ll probably explain it.”
“Oh, god, she would.” She slumped onto the table, face still hidden. “We didn’t… exactly… do anything to each other…”
It took all my willpower not to laugh. “So you masturbated together, is what you’re saying.”
She spoke in tongues for a hot second before she managed, “I mean. I guess you could say it like that?”
“At the same time?”
“Is that important?” she squeaked awkwardly.
“Very.”
“Um… no.”
I rested my arms on the table, leaning in, feeling myself beaming. “You first, or her first?”
“Me… first,” she mumbled into her hands.
“Oh, damn. That’s good news.”
“It is?” She looked helplessly up at me through her fingers, and I laughed.
“I mean, look at the situation. She went out with you. Took you back to her hotel room and told you to touch yourself—”
“Jesus, BB, that’s not what happened!”
I raised my eyebrows. “Isn’t it?”
“It’s—” She hid her face again. “It’s just a bit of an… oversimplification…”
“So that’s a yes. Told you to touch yourself—I assume she watched—and then she got herself off, too. Because of how much it turned her on. And I assume you watched.”
“I’m not answering that.”
“You watched, right?”
“Of course I fucking watched,” she groaned. “Jesus Christ, she’s so fucking hot I don’t know what the fuck is happening. ”
“What do you mean, you don’t know what the fuck is happening?” I laughed. “You got off together. I mean, you basically had sex, just sex for a girl who’s still nervous about being with a girl. You had sex with the girl of your dreams, and you spent the night with her. I don’t see the problem.”
“She wants to—” She hugged herself, looking away. “She asked me if I wanted to get dinner.”
“That doesn’t sound like a problem.”
“I said no, is the problem,” she groaned, burying her face in her hands, collapsing back on the table. I stopped, raising my eyebrows high.
“You said no?”
“There’s something wrong with me…”
“Why?”
She shrugged wildly. “Because! Because I’ll… because I’m fucking stupid, that’s why. And I know I’m going to spend two seconds with her and be stupidly in love with her and I’m working tomorrow and the day after and then she’s going to leave, so I won’t get as much time with her as I want, and I’m going to be fucked up for years because—because she’s so good and she’s so far out of my league, and I just thought—I mean, I don’t know, I promised I’d have a hookup! A one-night stand! This was close enough!”
“You’re already basically in love with her as it is now. Isn’t it better to have three partial days with her than to have just one night? You don’t really think it’s not going to hurt just because you cut it off like this, do you?”
“I’ve got… too many… issues,” she muttered, burying her face. “She’s so good, and… if I keep doing this, then I’ll start getting ideas about being able to do more with her. And then I might do something stupid like ask her about that, and then she’ll laugh in my face and tell me how I’m ugly and annoying and just good to keep her company for an orgasm while she’s bored on vacation, and she’ll leave and never see me again, and I’ll look her up and see her with some guy who looks a million times better than I do, being all happy and in love, having a million babies, and I’ll walk into the fucking ocean and fucking die.”
“Or she might have had sex with you because she’s into you.”
“I doubt that.”
“It’s not that weird a thought.”
She crossed her arms, looking away. “It is. And we didn’t have sex!”
“Uh-huh…”
“We just… did our own things.”
I nodded. “Right. Would you do that with a man?”
She cleared her throat, and said, very quietly, “No…”
“Because you’re not into sex with men.”
“That’s… different.”
“If you were exclusive with somebody, would you do that with somebody else?”
“No—of course not!”
“Because it’s sex?”
She buried her face in her hands again. “Okay, maybe it was kind of sex. I don’t fucking know. Either way, it’s not like she’s going to feel anything for me like what I feel for her!”
I shrugged. “You’re already going to regret not having more time with her whatever happens. It’s too late to not catch feelings for her. Just enjoy it while it’s happening. Who knows? Life surprises you anyway.”
“There’s no way I have a chance anyway,” she mumbled. “She probably hates me since I said no. It was all awkward and embarrassing for everyone… I lied and said I had other plans, but she totally knew I was lying, so we were all just politely pretending we all believed this, and then she went off to see her family, and I’m an idiot.”
“Allison, look me in the eye right now and tell me you won’t regret missing the chance to maybe get her off yourself next time.”
She choked. “Brooklyn! I swear to god.”
“What? Am I wrong?”
She didn’t say anything, blushing furiously and looking down.
“You’re picturing it now, aren’t you,” I said flatly, and she bristled at me like an angry gutter cat.
“Ugh! Leave me alone!”
I laughed, patting her on the shoulder. “All right, I will. Just think about what I said. I’ll bet you a million dollars Stella would gladly go with you if you came back and said hey, sorry, I was lying about my plans, I was just nervous, can we still do dinner? ”
“She’s got way better things to do,” she mumbled, picking at her fingernails.
“Didn’t stop her from doing you,” I said lightly, and she blushed viciously again, hunching her shoulders and standing up.
“Oh my god. You’re the worst. I’m going back to my place. Go… hang out with your girlfriend.”
I laughed. “See you later, Allison.”
“Um… I guess I’ll… keep it in mind,” she said quietly, looking down at where she toed the concrete, hands folded at her waist. “What you said. Okay. Whatever. Bye.”
She took off like she was trying to make it into orbit. I kicked back and relaxed, checking my phone for any signal from Ryan, but—I imagine Allison would have only run faster if she’d realized Stella had been hovering close by, drifting over and sitting at the table with me as soon as Allison was gone.
“Hello, there,” I said, setting my phone down, looking at where she was fresh out of a shower, hair still damp, wearing a cute white sundress. Very dreamy, feminine, romantic. Very Allison’s type. “How’s it going?”
“Good,” she said, only partly faking a smile. “How’s it going with you, huh? You had a good night?”
I arched an eyebrow. “Are you asking me how sex with your sister was?”
She laughed, catching herself off-guard with it. “Don’t make it sound weird. I’m just scoping out the situation. Ryan was gushing about how good you are, so I’m wondering if she’s actually secretly a disappointment.”
“Uh-huh… it’s terrible. Simply awful. So bad I can almost manage to keep it in my pants around her for ten whole minutes at a time.”
She grinned, swatting my shoulder. “You’re just as snarky and annoying as she is. You’re kind of a match made in heaven.”
I hoped this wasn’t Stella trying to set me and Ryan up more seriously together. I didn’t want to think about that at the minute. “I’m glad you’re so happy to hear how often I take your sister’s clothes off.”
“Okay, don’t go too much into the details,” she said, wrinkling her nose. “I just know she’s always had the most boring relationships in the world, and I love seeing her actually enjoy herself with someone. It’s like… maybe I do have a human being for a sister.”
I laughed, relaxing back into the chair. “I promise you she’s definitely enjoying herself. But that’s enough avoiding the elephant in the room. How was your night, huh?”
“Psh…” She shrugged, looking away. “Glad to know you’ve already been hearing the details.”
I laughed. “Should I start sharing what Allison told me, let you know where we all stand?”
She sighed. “Let’s not get into where everything stands. I feel stupid for messing things up.”
“Messing things up?” I said incredulously, eyes wide. “With Allison?”
She put her hands up. “I just got really into the attention and took it too far, and now things are awkward and she doesn’t want to hang out.”
I paused. “Are you trying to get her to hang out, or to hang out? ”
“It’s…” She picked at her fingernails, a frustrated expression under the soft blush dusting over her cheeks. “I’m not, like, trying to do anything serious. I’m not a lesbian.”
“Oh yeah… Ryan did tell me you had some hangups around the concept of bisexuality.”
She hunched her shoulders, looking away. “Oh, god, I’m getting called up all over the place. I’m sorry! I’m not a lesbian or bisexual or anything, I’m just… you know, I’m just me.”
“You watched a woman—who is very overtly into you—masturbate in your hotel room, and you let her watch you do the same.”
“Jesus, she didn’t hold back on the details,” she muttered.
“Sounds like you’re at least flexible. Even if it is about enjoying the attention, it doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy it more. Good to admit to yourself that’s what you’re doing, though. So? Is that what you’re doing?”
“I don’t… I don’t know,” she said, voice awkward. “I mean, she’s cute! She’s really pretty and everything. If I were really, like, seriously into girls, then probably, yeah. But—” She shrugged dramatically. “I don’t know, okay? It’s just… it’s weird.”
“What’s weird about it?”
“It was… fun to watch and all, but I’d feel weird touching a whole…” She gestured towards her lap. I raised my eyebrows.
“You have holdups around vaginas.”
“I mean, I don’t look at mine and think sexy. ”
I laughed. “Would it feel better if I said that’s normal?”
She shot me a look. “What, with lesbians? And bisexual women?”
“Actually, yeah.”
Her expression softened into curiosity. “Seriously? Isn’t that, like… just being straight, then?”
“Not really. Attraction is about the person, not the shape of their genitals… although there’s nothing wrong with liking genitals one way or the other. But it’s more like… we all have a lot of internalized feelings around a woman’s pleasure, don’t we? Society doesn’t exactly praise the vagina. There’s kind of a narrative of that it’s icky except as something for a straight guy to put his dick into.”
“I mean, I don’t think that.”
“Not on a conscious level, but it gets to you. Gets to all of us. It was honestly kind of weird and awkward for me my first time with a woman, too. But—a couple of things. One is that there’s no one right way to have sex, and you shouldn’t do anything that makes you uncomfortable. And two is that vaginas, just like… body fat, or a woman’s body hair, are something that you realize pretty quickly isn’t actually as gross as society makes it out to be.”
She stared at me for a second before she said, “Wait, so it was even awkward for you?”
“Yeah, the first couple times. A lot of us have been there. It was hot to watch, right? Even if you did have holdups about touching?”
She drew invisible shapes on the table surface, looking down. “I mean, yeah,” she said after a minute.
“Pretty sure if you’re totally not into it, you don’t get turned on watching something like that.”
“Was Ryan like that too?”
I raised my eyebrows. “You’re asking me how much your sister liked pussy her first time.”
She seemed to think it over, genuinely weighing the options, before she said, “Yeah.”
“Different people do have different family relationships… she was definitely the outlier.”
She perked up. “Wait, seriously?”
“Yeah, zero hesitation, all in…”
She laughed. “I literally cannot believe her.”
“She’s going to kill me for telling you this, but her face when she finds out will be worth it.”
“I wish I was brave like that.”
I stopped. “Do you? You wish you could bring yourself to get Allison off all she likes?”
“Uh.” She scrunched up her face. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Didn’t you?”
I saw the consideration play out over her features before she blushed harder and shrugged, looking away. “I dunno. Either way, I went and made it awkward now.”
“Allison is just running away because she’s too scared of how much she likes you.”
“I mean, you can say that, but she’s still running away, however you spin it. Because I can’t keep it in my pants when somebody obviously likes me. I’ve gotten told a lot I’m shallow and superficial, and I guess I went and proved everyone right.”
“Stella, it literally could not be more normal to enjoy being overtly liked. Everybody wants to be liked, at least by someone, in some way. And if someone you find attractive is clearly into you, everybody likes that.”
She looked down. “I mean, when you put it like that, it sounds silly to not be into it.”
“Allison’s going to kill me, but I can give you her address. If you show up at her place and tell her you’re still nervous around intimacy with women but that you want to try, and ask her to show you how it’s done, you could probably spend the entire day between sensual, passionate sex and languid sunbathing on the beach, get dinner with her tonight, and do it all again later.”
“It doesn’t count if it’s on vacation, right?”
I laughed. “You know, Stella? If that’s what you need to tell yourself, sure.”
She looked down. “Just that it would be weird to talk about that kind of thing with my family, you know?”
“You mean finding a girl attractive, or about spending an entire day exploring every possible way to have sex with a person?”
“Well, kinda both.”
“You don’t need to have it figured out,” I said lightly. “You just need to do what feels right.”
She looked away. “Um… I really do need to go see my family and everything now. But… well… yeah. If Allison isn’t going to kill me for showing up, I’d appreciate being able to, you know, show up.”
I laughed. “Kill you? Never. Just promise to say something nice at my funeral.”
She grinned. “I’ll tell them all about how you were so good that Ryan was all in, zero hesitations. ”
“Sure. Go to a funeral and talk about how much your sister got laid with the deceased.”
She laughed, half standing before she sat back down, giving me a more serious look. “You know, it’s not just about getting laid,” she said. “Ryan really is seriously into you.”
Oh, god. Here I’d thought we’d evaded this subject. I shrugged. “She’s really nice. I’m enjoying it a lot too. But we all know there’s a time limit on this. I’d rather not talk about it, it just gets a little depressing.”
“Yeah, because you always avoid anything serious with anyone,” she said. “Ryan told me all about how you live on an island where nobody ever stays, and how you never have anything serious or long-term with anybody because of it. And she seemed really sad about it, by the way.”
“Stella, I appreciate it, but… I’m not looking for a matchmaker.”
She frowned. “I’m not being cute here. I just… I feel like I actually have a real family member, ever since Ryan’s gotten with you and has totally opened up. I like her better when she’s with you. You should give her a chance.”
I sighed. “You don’t take a hint, huh?”
“She travels all the time. There’s nothing to stop her from coming back here as much as you two like. Especially if she has a place to stay here, you know? Like… she likes to travel. And get away from our family, I think, a little.”
“Stella—”
“You like her, too, right? And not just as a fling?”
I shook my head. “It’s not about that. Now can we please move on?”
She huffed, standing up. “If I can go and talk to Allison, you can deal with things with Ryan. Okay?”
“We’ve already dealt with —”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, good talk. Oh, and—” She paused, looking away. “Um… thanks.”
I laughed dryly, relaxing slowly, despite the tension still stretched across my abdomen. “My pleasure,” I said. “Happy to see Allison enjoy herself too.”
“I’m afraid she’s going to run away again. But… I guess that makes you and me pretty similar, huh?”
I shot her an odd look. She shrugged, shoving her hands in her pockets.
“Okay, well, I’ve gotta go see everyone. Good luck to us both. See you, BB.”
Calling me BB and everything… I wasn’t sure if she was trying to insinuate into being like family with me, or if Allison had just rubbed off on her. Probably both.
Although apparently Allison hadn’t done all the rubbing she wanted. Not yet, anyway.
God, I hoped that poor girl actually got the guts to go through with it, or I’d never hear the end of her kicking herself.