Chapter 12
It was the morning after Taylor’s mother’s death.
Sitting across from Gwen, Taylor tugged at the hem of her dress and tried to arrange her face into an expression of kindness, comfort, and understanding.
She could see that Casey’s decision to sell Taylor’s photographs to the press had all but destroyed poor Gwen, who’d started the Harbor House as a means to fulfill her destiny.
A means to help people. It was clear that Gwen hadn’t set out to hurt anyone.
“Casey’s on a journey, I suppose,” Gwen said now. “She’s hurting and in pain, and she doesn’t care if anyone else is hurting and in pain, as long as her pain is less.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Taylor told Gwen now. “Honestly. So many people have seen me crying on park benches by now that it shouldn’t be a major deal. I can’t believe they even paid her. It’s such a non-scene in my life.”
Gwen got back to her feet and walked to the window.
She was jittery, panicked. “You know, I spent the past many, many years of my life as Stella Vanberg’s assistant.
All day, every day, I had to anticipate her needs.
I had to think, what would Stella say or do in this situation?
I thought I knew Stella all the way down to her core.
And then, Candice and Lindsey went off to Tennessee and discovered Stella’s real backstory.
They discovered that her name was never Stella at all.
This rattled me. If I didn’t know these integral pieces of Stella’s life, how could I claim to know her?
And she was supposed to be my, like, mother figure.
But I put my head down. I told myself to do the work here at the Harbor House, if only as a way to pay Stella back for all she’d done for me.
She trusted me with this place. She trusted me with all of you.
” Gwen turned and looked at Taylor, tears glinting in her eyes.
“We’re so sorry, Taylor. And we’d understand if you want to leave us and head back to Los Angeles.
But we also hope you’ll consider staying. Casey’s gone. Maybe we can regroup.”
Taylor offered a soft smile. It had been a long time since she’d heard such a clear-hearted apology. “Again, it’s not your fault. But thank you.” She swallowed. “I am going to leave, Gwen.”
Gwen let her shoulders drop.
“But I don’t know if I’ll be gone forever,” Taylor went on. “I want to go to my mother’s funeral. I think I owe myself that. Afterward, I’ll decide about the next five weeks.”
Gwen furrowed her brow. “Do you want to talk to Dr. Estelle about any of this? Before you leave for the funeral, I mean.”
“I have to get going tomorrow afternoon,” Taylor said. “If there’s time, I guess I could talk.” But she wasn’t sure if she wanted to dig so deeply into her emotional psyche just yet.
“Of course. I’m sure you have many things to do to prepare,” Gwen said. “Please, don’t hesitate to reach out to any of us here at the Harbor House while you’re gone. Our phones are always on, and our doors are always open.”
Taylor smiled. “You should put that on the website.”
Gwen laughed nervously. “You’re probably right about that. I look forward to getting to know you better, Taylor. Have a safe trip.”
Taylor left Gwen’s office and headed to her room, where she found Winona reading in the little chair by the window.
Although Taylor and Winona’s big day out had been only yesterday, Taylor felt a swell of appreciation for the woman.
Her friend, she realized. How funny to already have a friend here at the Harbor House.
“Can I ask you something?” Taylor asked.
Winona closed her book. “What’s up?”
“Did you watch any of my sitcoms growing up?” Taylor guessed that Winona was only a little bit younger than she was, which meant that she’d been the right age for all of them.
“Don’t take this the wrong way,” Winona said with a funny smile. “But I thought I was too cool to watch your sitcoms. I hung with kids who didn’t care about them. We watched European films and thought laugh tracks were dumb.”
Taylor cackled happily, dropping down on the bed. “Thank goodness.”
“Yeah?” Winona laughed. “I figured you’d be mad.”
“I don’t want fans,” Taylor said. “I’m beginning to wonder if I ever wanted them.”
“What did you want? At the beginning, I mean,” Winona asked.
Taylor thought for a moment before the answer spilled out of her. “I wanted to make my parents proud. Isn’t that stupid?”
Winona flinched the slightest bit. Maybe she was thinking of her own children, or maybe she was thinking of her own parents, or maybe she was thinking of the futility of that wish.
She said, “It’s something we can’t escape, I guess.”
Taylor agreed.
“Would you consider coming to LA with me?” Taylor asked then, surprising herself. “I’ll only be gone about a week, maybe. But I’m anxious about it. Fidgety. I’d prefer not to face all those people alone.”
Winona sucked in her cheeks and let her eyes drop.
“It’s okay…” Taylor said before Winona could say no.
“It’s not that I don’t want to,” Winona said gently. “It’s just that, ever since the fire, I haven’t been able to go to big cities. I’m genuinely frightened. It’s a phobia thing. I would freeze up and have endless panic attacks and…yeah.”
Taylor was stricken. She couldn’t believe she’d asked. “I’m sorry. Really.”
“Don’t be,” Winona said. “I want to get over this. But I have to be here at the Harbor House to make it happen.”
Taylor went over to her new friend and wrapped her arms around her.
Outside, rain splattered across the sands, and darkness shrouded the ocean.
It was hard to believe that summer was around the corner.
It was even harder to believe that only tomorrow, Taylor would be home in Los Angeles—where the sun shone all year long.
Around one that afternoon, Taylor went to the dining room to grab lunch with the other women, feeling bright-faced and eager, now that she had a plan. At the sight of her, all the women got to their feet and hugged her, saying again how sorry they were—about Casey’s photograph, about her mother.
The staff members who worked in the dining room soon came out to serve them plates of pasta and homemade bread and roasted vegetables. Taylor sat between Winona and Michelle, listening to everyone’s stories and feeling her heart grow full.
There seemed no end to the ways these women could uplift one another. There was no end to their incredible stories.
And then, she spotted Lindsey Vanberg across the dining hall.
Taylor got to her feet at once. Yesterday, Stella’s younger daughter, Lindsey, and her funny, golden retriever-like boyfriend came out of the woodwork and helped Taylor through a truly difficult day.
The kindness in their eyes was not something Taylor would soon forget.
In them, she’d sensed more potential friendships.
She’d sensed more conversations, waiting to be had.
Abandoning her pasta, Taylor got up and traced a path to Lindsey, who was studying the menu. Sensing her, Lindsey turned, then smiled. “Taylor, hey!” she said. “Are you heading out West soon?”
“Back to LA tomorrow,” Taylor explained. “But maybe not forever.”
“I really hope you make it back to us,” Lindsey said.
“Me too.” Taylor’s chest ached with surprise. “I wanted to thank you again for yesterday. What you and Jake did for me, I’ll never forget.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Lindsey said. She shifted her weight onto her left foot. “It was a funny way to spend a first date, though. He showed me who he really was. I’ll never forget that either.”
“First date! You’re kidding.”
“Okay. I guess I don’t know what it was, or what label to put on it, or whatever,” Lindsey admitted. “I was dying to kiss him at the end, but I couldn’t bring myself to. I used to be so daring. I don’t know what happened to me.”
“I can understand that. Time takes its toll on all of us.” Taylor offered a smile.
Taylor went back to the table to finish her pasta, but Lindsey joined them shortly thereafter, sliding into the seat that Michelle had vacated.
Almost immediately, she got to chatting with Winona about scuba diving.
Taylor listened quietly, fascinated. Apparently, in a long-ago life, both Winona and Lindsey had been scuba diving instructors.
“What are the chances?” Taylor asked, rolling her pasta around her fork.
Lindsey looked pleased. “You know, I only just started telling people on Nantucket about my scuba diving past.”
“Are you ashamed of it?” Taylor asked.
Lindsey sighed. “It isn’t that, of course. There’s just a lot of my story that I can’t, um, face yet. And it’s all wrapped up in my time as a scuba diving instructor. Things happened.”
Winona and Taylor listened quietly. Taylor sensed a darkness behind Lindsey’s words. She knew Lindsey had a bruised and damaged soul, just like the rest of them.
Unlike them, it seemed, Lindsey still struggled to admit that, mostly to herself. Maybe she didn’t want the kind of attention that would bring.
“Hey, Lindsey,” Winona said, her voice bright. “Have you ever been to Los Angeles?”
“I have. But only briefly,” Lindsey said. “It was for a scuba conference about a thousand years ago.”
Winona gave Taylor a big-eyed look, urging her to ask Lindsey what Taylor had already asked Winona. Taylor set her fork down, her heart pounding. She wasn’t sure what had gotten into her when she’d asked Winona to join her in LA. She didn’t want to put that on anyone.
“What’s up?” Lindsey asked, none the wiser.
Winona nodded, her eyes urgent. They seemed to say, Come on, Taylor. Don’t go alone.
Finally, Taylor groaned. “The thing is, I’m terrified to go to the city on my own.”
Lindsey’s lips parted with surprise. “Do you want company?”
“She does.” Winona nodded. “And who wouldn’t?”
“You don’t have to do it,” Taylor assured her. “Honestly, I’m a grown woman. I can go to my mother’s funeral on my own. I’m embarrassed even to mention it.”
But it looked as though Lindsey had already begun to weigh it up in her mind. “It would certainly make Gwen and Candice happy, knowing you weren’t out there on your own.”
“I’m always out there on my own,” Taylor reminded her, and herself. “It’s not a big deal.”
“You’re leaving tomorrow?” Lindsey asked.
“The plane leaves at one,” Taylor said.
“Let me know when you plan to leave here,” Lindsey said.
Taylor’s thoughts began to race. “I don’t know. I mean, it might be boring for you. My silly, lonely Californian life…”
“I don’t want to force myself,” Lindsey said, drawing back, her cheeks growing slack.
Taylor pulled her tongue over her teeth. She thought, Would it really be so bad to have someone around? Someone to laugh with? Someone who didn’t know anyone in her life? Someone for whom this was all foreign, at a distance?
“I’ll go home,” Lindsey said then, a smile fluttering at the edge of her lips. “I have to pack.”
Taylor let her shoulders drop forward. “If that’s really what you want.”
“It is.” Her meal only half finished, Lindsey sprang up and left, eager to prepare for the day ahead. Taylor rolled her eyes into the back of her head and asked aloud, “What am I doing?”
“You’re asking for help,” Winona said gently. “It’s the best thing you can do in this situation.”
“But there’s so much Lindsey doesn’t understand about my family, about my past, about any of it,” Taylor protested, lowering her voice.
“You can always change your mind,” Winona said. “But I don’t want you to go to the city by yourself. I don’t want you to face this alone. The point of the Harbor House, as I understand it so far, is that we don’t have to be alone in our pain any longer. We can move forward. We can face ourselves.”
“Oh, Winona,” Taylor said, teasing her. “Why do you always have to be right?”