CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
No feelings attached
JAKE
This morning we won two games, which advanced us to the final game against Boston College. Our rivals .
Of fucking course they would be the ones we have to face off with for the trophy.I mean, hell, the trophy is just a tiny piece of plastic that we’ll probably toss away, but it’s the principle of it.Boston College loves to mess with us during these nonseason tournaments—playing dirtier because it won’t affect their regular season games. Jokes on them because we can give it right back to them.
There are only five minutes left in the third period, and we are absolutely demolishing the Eagles. I can already hear the sound of the buzzer and the boys cheering.The score is 4–2 and I had one of the most beautiful shots I’ve made all season. Nate scored our first goal with a slapshot in the first period, and then continued to make a hat trick, scoring two more goals in the second period.
Nate is always a high scorer. Every year he beats his previous record. He’s going to make waves when he goes pro. I’ll be shitting my pants if I have to play against him in the future. Having him on our team is an asset, but playing against him—all my bets are off.
At charity tournaments I try my hardest to not be a dick, but sometimes I can’t help it. I especially can’t help it when Andrew Meyers won’t get his stupid body out of my way. Nate takes possession of the puck, but Levi is too heavily guarded for Nate to make a pass. I shoot Eli a knowing look, signaling to him that I’m going to try to create an opening for him.
I skate down the ice to try to help Levi out of a double-teamed situation. I shove one of Boston’s defensemen into the boards as we fight for the puck. He shifts his body, forcing us to go behind the net.
This is his first mistake.
I’m good at making people feel claustrophobic, suffocating them with my presence.Call it a natural talent of mine.
The second mistake he made was not looking around, or else he would’ve noticed Levi swiping sideways and creating an opening. I flick my wrist and send the puck flying between Boston’s defenseman, right into Levi’s awaiting stick. By the time he realizes the mistake he’s made, Levi shoots and scores another goal.
Take that, Meyers.
If only this were a regular season game, the points we would’ve accumulated during this weekend would easily toss us in first place—although I’m pretty sure that’s where we’re standing anyway.
The puck drops, sticks clash, and suddenly I’m thrown back into the game. My attention was misplaced for a second, but that single second allowed Meyers to fly past me down center ice with the puck. He slaps it over to his left wingman, but Eli is quickly on him, trying to steal possession.
Meyers moves to try to get past me and closer to the net, but I can skate faster than him. Within seconds I’m in front of him, bracing myself for his impending check. This guy has been all over me tonight and I just barely made my shot earlier before he slammed me into the boards.
Except this time, I’m one step ahead of him. I dodge to the side and he sends himself flying into the boards.
Fucking beauty.
“Hey, Meyers, you really should work on your footwork. If you were only a few seconds faster, you wouldn’t be wiping ice off your jersey.” I laugh as he uses the board to pull himself up.
I turn around in time to see that the Eagles lost possession and now Sebastian is skating toward their goalie, their defensemen distracted by someone in the stands. My eyes follow to where they’re looking and find Vanessa bent over, picking up a different lens to use for her camera.
Fucking pigs.
I know, it’s a bit hypocritical of me to call them pigs when I stare at her ass all the time, but the difference is she knows I look. She appreciates it when I look at her, not when random assholes look at her like she’s a steak they want to devour.
The distraction works in our favor, Seb takes it as an opportunity to sneak by them.Sebastian is great at being invisible. He doesn’t make too many goals, but when he does, the other team never sees it coming. Most players underestimate him because he’s young, but they’re all fools to believe the kid isn’t wicked talented.
I linger back in our zone, keeping my eyes aware of my surroundings in case the puck comes back this way.As I skate by, I pass Vanessa in the stands. I give her a goofy smile and she winks in my direction, holding her camera up to take a photo of me.
God, she is so fucking hot. And all mine . I can’t wait until this game is over and I can take her back to the hotel. I feel like I’m addicted to her. If we’re not together I want to be. The second I get a whiff of her, I want to haul her into me and never let her leave. Even if that does sound caveman of me, I can’t fucking help it.
“Shepherd, who’s the little hottie with the camera?” Andrew’s annoying voice comes up from behind me.He skates next to me, eyes falling on Vanessa, whose attention is now focused on the game at the other end of the rink.
Andrew is their center, so he should be with the rest of his team, defending their goalie, but he must realize that there’s no way they’ll be able to catch up. Instead, he’s wasting time and getting on my nerves.
I keep my voice stern as I answer his question, “She’s the team’s social media coordinator.”
“Oh really?”
“Don’t even fucking think about it, Meyers.”
“It’s funny that you think I would listen to anything you say.” He nudges my shoulder, which aggravates me more. “She’s also a photographer, huh? Maybe I can get her to take some photos of me.”
I let out a grunt, clearly showing my disinterest in this conversation. I skate away from him, moving closer to Kieran in case the puck comes back to our end.And just like the annoying little shit he is, Andrew follows me—still not paying attention to his team.
“Or even better, I’ll bring her back to my hotel room and we can take some together. She’s gonna love being on camera. I’m sure the guys would love to have a photo of her splayed naked to keep in the locker room.”
“Fuck off, Andrew.” I lightly shove my shoulder against his—making almost no contact because I don’t feel like getting into a fight today.
“Oh, defensive.” He skates around me, stopping close enough so what he’s saying is almost a whisper. “You tapping that, Shep?”
I stay silent and try to focus on what’s happening at the other end of the rink. Nate’s circling the net, trying to get an open shot. I try to tune out the sound of Andrew’s voice, but he’s persistent.
“She probably lets the whole team pass her around. Sheesh, you guys have it made. A hot photographer and a puck bunny all wrapped into one. Mind sharing her for the night? I’d love to take her for a ride and see those big pouty lips wrapped around my di—”
I shove him back before he can finish his sentence. He laughs before shoving me back. Oh let’s fucking go. I take my gloves off, punching Andrew in his nose. Blood gushes from his nostril.
Good.
I’ll get an earful from Coach later, but this is worth it. Andrew whips his gloves off and his hand swipes at the blood running down his face. When he realizes he’s bleeding, he looks at me and hooks his fist into my jaw, catching my lower lip on my bottom teeth.I feel my jaw rattle and I’m grateful that we wear mouth guards.I lick my bottom lip, feeling something there, and realize that the fucker cut my lip open.
“Don’t worry, I’m sure she’ll crawl into your bed as soon as I’m done with her.”
His words send me over the edge and I tackle him onto the ice, both of us hitting the rink hard. My fist connects with his jaw this time, and I barely register the sound of the ref’s whistle, and both of our teams skate over to see the commotion.
“Don’t you ever fucking disrespect Vanessa like that again or I’ll make sure the next time you don’t get up off the ice.”
“Fuck you, Shepherd.” Andrew shifts and tosses me onto the ice under him.
In a second, Kieran and Eli are pulling us apart, and I hear Coach Wilson yelling my name, followed by some not-so-family-friendly profanities.Kieran extends a hand and pulls me to my feet. I run my hand along my jaw, it’s tender but at least all my teeth are still in place.
“You good?” Kieran asks as he tears off his helmet.
I spit blood onto the ice as I take out my mouth guard. “The douchebag just doesn’t know when to keep his mouth shut!” I say the last words louder, gaining Andrew’s attention back on me.
“Do you wanna go again, Shepherd? I’ll give you a black eye to match your fat lip.” He tries to pull free, but Eli’s grasp on his jersey keeps him in place.
The ref kicks us both off the ice for the remaining seconds of the game.I skate over to the bench, where Coach is waiting for me with a deep scowl on his face. I’ve seen this look before, the scrunched eyebrows, his crow’s-feet in the corners of his eyes—he’s definitely going to rip me a new asshole after this.
I park my ass on the bench and wait for the final buzzer to go off.
We win 5–2, but with the way Coach is looking at me, I shouldn’t be celebrating with my team. The guys rush onto the ice, tackling each other. I move to follow the rest of the team, but Coach puts his arm on my shoulder, stopping me in my tracks. “I don’t think so, Shepherd.”
The tone of his voice is enough to scare the fuck out of me. It feels like déj à vu to a few weeks ago when Kieran and I were in shit. But now it’s just me who’s in trouble.
Fighting in a game never looks good, but fighting during a charity event definitely wasn’t the right move.I feel my heart rate kick up as the team files into the locker room, leaving Coach and me alone in the hallway. Oh, fuck me, this isn’t going to be good.
“Jacob, I don’t know what’s gotten into you lately, but whatever it is, you need to cut it out.”
The use of my full name has the hairs on the back of my neck standing up. The only people who ever call me by my full name are my parents, and normally it’s because I did something really stupid.
“Do you have any idea how fighting in a charity match looks? New Jersey is going to have a field day when they hear about this, and don’t think that word won’t get out, Jacob. You played like crap in a couple of games, you let yourself get distracted, and now fighting? Get your fucking head out of your ass.”
I know I’ve messed up a couple of times this season, but everyone has a bad game. Just last week Sebastian got a penalty for tripping, but I don’t see Coach beating down on him.
“Look, Coach, I’m sorry. This guy just got on my nerves and—” The look he’s giving me tells me that he doesn’t care for excuses. “I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.”
“You bet your ass it won’t.” He lets out a loud sigh. “You’re a talented kid. You’ve got a bright future ahead of you—but petty fights like this could cost you your dream. You’re so close to achieving it. I’ve seen you put your life into this sport, just remember to think about your future when you step onto that ice next time.”
“I will. Sorry, Coach.”
“Now go get changed and shower, you stink.”
I feel like a dog walking away with his tail tucked between his legs.The worst kind of talk with Coach is when he tells you that he’s disappointed rather than angry. I probably shouldn’t have fought Meyers tonight, but I couldn’t let him talk about Vanessa that way. It’s not fair to her for people to assume she’s some puck slut.
I head back into the locker room and grab my bag, making my way to the lobby to join the rest of my team and our families.
Dad is easy to spot since he towers over almost everyone. I’m surprised he never went into sports when he was my age. He could’ve easily been an amazing basketball player with his height, but instead he settled down with my mom and started his own business.
“That was a great game, honey.” My mom’s arms wrap around me first, and she tugs hard.
Boston Central University is only a two-hour drive away from home, but with hockey season and school assignments, it’s hard for me to make it home as often as I would like.
“Yeah, so thrilling.” Autumn’s sarcasm never fails to make an appearance. “My favorite part was when you punched that guy and almost broke his nose.”
I give her a warning glare and her smile immediately wipes off her face.
Dad lets out a sigh. “Can’t say that was our proudest moment as parents. He better have deserved it.”
“He did. He said some choice words about a friend of mine and I may have snapped. Sorry.”
My dad’s stern look fades as he watches the smile on my face, trying hard to move the conversation to something else.
“Do we know this friend?” My mom has always been nosey, that will never change.
“No, she’s a newer friend.”
“She?”
“Vanessa. She’s our teams photographer and social media coordinator for the season.”
Mom catches on to my mood, so she changes the subject and fills me in on what’s been going on at home. Autumn’s dance team made it to regionals, so they get to travel to Washington for her competition at the end of December. Unfortunately, it also takes place during our Winter Wonder tournament, but they’ve seen me play enough hockey. Autumn deserves a chance to shine in front of our parents.
Dad tells me how his construction business is going. It seems that everyone wants to either remodel or build, so he’s been busy with different projects.It’s nice to see that my family has other things going on to keep them preoccupied. Sometimes I feel like hockey keeps me away from them. That’s why when I do get the chance to see them, or visit home, I cherish it a bit more.
Behind my dad, almost out of view, I see Vanessa talking with some douche wearing a backwards hat. I know I sometimes wear my baseball caps backwards, but I don’t give off the douchey vibes that he is. I shift on my feet until I finally get a look at who she’s twirling her hair for.
Andrew fucking Meyers.
“Hey—I’m gonna go meet up with some friends, but we’re still on for breakfast before I leave tomorrow?”
“Yes, we’ll meet you at the hotel in the morning.” My mom hugs me again, but this time it’s not crushing my ribs. My dad and sister both wave goodbye to me as they walk toward the exit. I go in the opposite direction, heading for Vanessa and that fucking idiot.
As I move through the crowd, I realize I’ve lost them.I swear to God, I will kill that asshole if he so much as touches a hair on her head.
“Jake!” Vanessa’s voice calls from behind me. How the hell did she get over there without me seeing her? “I was looking for you. What the hell happened out there? One second you’re all smiley and the next you’re spitting blood onto the ice.”
Her eyes land on the cut on my bottom lip and she moves to touch it, but I grab her hand, stopping her. “It’s nothing.”
Hell, a cut is better than a missing tooth.
“Who were you chatting with earlier?” I know it was Andrew, but I don’t want her to think that I was spying on her.
Her cheeks immediately turn a pinkish shade. She’s not seriously blushing over this guy?
“Oh, Andrew. Yeah, he came up to me after the game while I was waiting for you.”
“You do know that he’s the one I got in a fight with on the ice, could you not tell by his broken nose?”
“It didn’t look broken to me.”
“Did he say anything to you?”
“He asked for my name and number. Both of which I declined.”
I let out a hearty laugh. Of course he did. He must think pretty highly of himself if he thinks that he could snag Vanessa. Get in line, buddy.
“Good.”
“Good?”
“Yeah, that guy’s a prick, Ness.”
“Why are you laughing? You find it funny that some other guy asked me for my number as if it hasn’t happened before?”
Happened before?
“Who else hit on you?”
She lets out an aggravated sigh. “It doesn’t matter. Are you the only guy I’m allowed to talk to?”
And this is exactly what I didn’t want her to think. I don’t want her to think that I’m some alpha asshole type who only wants her to himself. I mean, I do want her to myself, but I’m also not a controlling manipulative piece of shit.
“Ness, that’s not what I’m saying.”
“Well, it sure as hell sounds like it. Did you forget the terms we made? No feelings attached, remember?”
The words hit me harder than Meyers’s punch.I know the terms we agreed on, but fuck the terms.I don’t care if she’s friendly with other guys, but I don’t want her flirting with them, especially if I’m in the same damn room. And maybe that does go against the terms of our situation, but I don’t give a fuck anymore.
“Right.” I give her a curt nod and turn around, ready to grab my shit and go back to the hotel.
She holds onto my arm, stopping me from walking out of the arena. “Jake, wait. Can we rewind? What’s going on?”
What’s going on?
What’s going on is this stupid prick felt like he had the right to talk about Vanessa in a vulgar way and it aggravated me, so I hit him. I hit him because I have feelings for a girl who only wants to fuck me. I haven’t admitted it to anyone, not even to myself until now, but fuck it, I do have feelings for her.I’ve never been in a situation before where I wanted more. I have no fucking clue what I’m doing.
“All you need to know is he said some shit about you and I didn’t like it. So I hit him.”
Her face changes into something like a scowl. Is she mad at me for defending her?
“So he said something about me, who cares? He’s not the first and I’m sure he’s not the last. I’m not your girlfriend, Jake, you don’t have to get into fights over me because some random guy decided to be gross—especially when it can make you look bad.” She says it so simply.
“You’re right. You’re not my girlfriend. I thought that friends should stick up for one another, but the next time a guy makes a derogatory comment toward you, I’ll let it slide. Sorry, Ness, won’t happen again.” I pull away from her light grip and storm toward the doors.
I join the rest of the team outside.
“All right boys, last night means you get some freedom,” Nate starts. “Back to the hotel to change, then we’re going to party.”
Nate sheds his responsible skin for one night on this trip, allowing himself and his teammates to overindulge. Which is great for me because I desperately need a distraction tonight. I’m going to drown out my thoughts with a bottle of booze and get so drunk I can’t even think of Vanessa’s name. Maybe I’ll find someone else to occupy me tonight.
“Who’s ready to get their country on?” Eli shouts.
“To the bars!” The boys shout with their fists raised over their heads like knights off to battle.
VANESSA
Nashville is nothing like I expected it to be.
Ever since our conversation at the arena, Jake’s been actively avoiding me. Anytime I try to grab his attention he looks the other way or starts up a conversation with one of the guys.I don’t know what his problem is. His emotions change more than Sydney’s outfits when she’s getting ready for a date. I’ve never been more confused by a guy in my entire life.
There’s a small part of me that’s been entertaining the idea of us being more than friends, but every time I allow myself to go there, my brain pulls me back to reality.
We could never work.
Jake loves to play the field and the word commitment sends fear running straight through my body.We agreed to be friends with benefits because we’re always around each other, so it’s convenient. That doesn’t stop the jealous feeling that rises in my chest when I see Jake blatantly flirting with another girl right in front of me.
My head is spinning, and it’s not from the whiskey. One second he’s defending me and then a few hours later he’s sitting in a bar entertaining some random girl.
How am I supposed to trust him if we get into one fight and he immediately ignores me for the rest of the day?
I distract myself from my ongoing thoughts and grab one of the shots from Levi’s hand, turning my head slightly as I put the glass to my lips.Before I toss it back, my eyes land on Jake. He’s standing at the other end of the bar with a blonde draped over him. I can tell from here that her platinum hair is completely fried and is probably going to fall out, but hey, if that’s what Jake likes, then go right ahead.
Drink.
I slam the glass down onto the bar top, the cinnamon whiskey burns so badly that my eyes water trying to keep it down. I keep my gaze glued to Jake and the girl. I watch as his hands slide up and down her body, whispering something into her ear that causes her to laugh. Sebastian hands out shots to me and Levi, and I eagerly take it from his hands.
Another drink .
Okay, this is fine. I’m fine. Who cares who Jake’s with? He can sleep with whomever he pleases.
Why was that again?
Oh right, because I said that we could be friends with benefits but still keep our options open.
I’m such an idiot, why did I say that?
Why can’t I allow myself to have something more—something real? I feel like I’ve been protecting my heart for years, only letting people see what I want them to see.I wonder if I will ever fully allow someone into my life again. Loving someone is the best and worst feeling I’ve experienced.
Jake’s the first person who’s made me question all of my morals and rules. He makes me dream of what my life could be like with someone.
I shake my head of all thoughts of Jake and put my attention back to Levi. My friend who didn’t ditch me for a blonde cowgirl.
“Want to do another shot?”
“Nichols, we might want to take it back a notch or else I’m scared you’ll be throwing up the whole ride home tomorrow.”
“I’ll be fine.” I lean against the bar, casually pushing my tits up a bit so they grab the attention of the bartender. The bar is packed, so if this is the only way I can get a drink then so be it. “Can I get another shot of cinnamon whiskey, please?” The taste isn’t my favorite, but I’ve been knocking shots of it back all night, so I might as well stick with it.
My attention is once again drawn to Jake. Does he have some sort of magnet in his pocket? I watch as he moves closer to the girl, whispering in her ear. I’m not jealous. I’m not jealous. I’m …okay I’m jealous.
“Actually, make that two shots, please.”
“You’re gonna regret that in the morning.”
I ignore Levi’s warning and toss back both shots, letting the liquor warm me up and give me the courage to stay out with the team.