CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Big city anxiety
JAKE
Autumn is in full swing.
The lingering summer warmth has officially left Boston.
I’m a summer person. I miss the warm air and spending as much time soaking in the sun as possible. Growing up in a beach town will do that to you.
Vanessa, on the other hand, loves the fall. The other day she was complaining that the warm weather should be gone the second it hits mid-October. I think Vanessa likes the cold more because she can hide in thick sweaters whenever she gets the chance. She has this one pastel patterned fleece sweater that looks like something my grandma would wear, but according to her, it’s perfect for cold mornings. I’ve caught her wearing it more than once to morning practices.
Since our recent agreement, we’ve been spending a lot more time together. Even outside of hockey and sex, I enjoy spending time with her. If we’re not at the arena, we’re on campus studying in the library or hanging out in the student center with our friends. We’ve decided to keep our arrangement a secret from the team. Vanessa is convinced it’s for the best because she doesn’t want the guys thinking of her in a certain way. I told her I’d smack them if they were to say anything, but I respect her choice.
We’ve been pretty sneaky these past couple weeks, but one morning Nate caught us sneaking out of the house. I used a classic excuse—we fell asleep while studying. It’s not foolproof, but I think it worked.
I like hanging out with Vanessa. She doesn’t bombard me with questions about hockey or stats. We talk about our interests like our favorite genre of music, even what podcasts we’re into. I’m currently obsessed with this horror podcast but Vanessa refuses to listen to it after I played her a zombie episode. We also talk about our hobbies, our families, and childhood memories.
The other night we were hanging at the diner on campus, and I asked her what inspired her to go into photography. We’ve talked about the topic before, but never this much in depth. Vanessa went on about her grandpa who collected old photography magazines. After he died, she wanted to capture the beauty of the world and be featured in one of those magazines she was obsessed with. Her parents never understood her from what I’ve come to know.
I can only imagine the childhood Vanessa had growing up with parents who didn’t support her dreams.
My parents have supported me ever since I could hold a stick in my hands. I was a kid with a silly dream, but with their unconditional love and support I’ve been able to live out that dream. They continue to support me in any way that they can. They attend home games whenever they get a chance, or if they’re tied up at home, they’ll stream it and call me afterward. And every now and again my family will come to support me at an away tournament. Which has me looking forward to this weekend.
We’re heading out of town for a charity tournament in Nashville. Every year, a ton of teams from the eastern conference head down to Tennessee to play against each other in a charity tournament, not earning any points for the regular season. This allows us to bond and try to stifle any rivalries—but our competitive side is inevitable, even for charity events.We play on Friday and Saturday, leaving Sunday for us to relax before heading back home.
It’ll be nice to see my parents and Autumn. I want to introduce Vanessa to my parents, but I don’t know if that goes against our friends-with-benefits rules.All of my friends have met my family so I don’t know why this should be any different.
“Jake, if you don’t get your ass downstairs in five minutes, you can find your own way to Nashville.” Kieran’s voice echoes up the stairs.
I look around my room and finish packing the rest of my stuff into an overnight bag. I notice my BCU hoodie on my bed and make sure to grab it for Vanessa. Every time she’s over she steals it, saying that I keep my room too cold. As much as she loves the fall, she does love to complain when she’s cold.
I grab some last-minute items, phone charger, a pack of condoms, and extra socks—you never know when either of those might come in handy.
“Holy shit, Shep, let’s get going. Stop looking at yourself in the mirror.” Nate stands at the front door, waiting to lock up behind us.
“I was grabbing the rest of my stuff, asshole.”
Kieran leans against the brown brick. “He was probably texting Vanessa a love letter or something.”
“There’s nothing going on with me and Vanessa,” I lie through my teeth, hoping they’ll drop the subject.
Nate locks up and we toss our bags into the back of Kieran’s truck.
“Oh really? So, it wasn’t Vanessa I heard screaming your name the other night. Good to know.” Eli flashes me a wicked smile and I can almost hear his dirty thoughts forming.I guess we haven’t been as discreet as I’d thought.
“Kieran, your room is right next to Jake’s, didn’t you hear it?” Nate accuses as he hops into the passenger side of the truck.
The guys have never complained to me before about hearing what goes on in my room. Up until now I’d always thought the walls were soundproof. Apparently, I was wrong. Vanessa is not going to be happy when I tell her this.
Eli and I settle into the backseat and I can visibly see his thoughts forming before he speaks.
“Well, if no one in this house is sleeping with Vanessa, I’ll give her a ride.”
I grumble, trying hard to keep my cool. He’s just joking, don’t blow your cover.
“When we go out Saturday night, I’ll swing her around the dancefloor, show her my moves, and she’ll be putty in my hands.” Eli’s pushing my buttons, and he knows it.
“I bet she’d make the softest sounds. I wonder if she keeps her glasses on during—”
“Don’t finish that sentence.” Shit.
“Y’know, I bet she takes them off. Wouldn’t wanna break those while I’m tossing her tight little body around.”
In a blink of an eye I’m grabbing Eli by his sweater, the cowboy hat on his head falls to the floor of the truck.
“Hey, idiots, it’s too early and I’m too tired to deal with your shit today.” Nate leans over his seat, pulling us apart. “You two are acting like five-year-olds fighting over a toy. Do I need to remind you that girls aren’t toys?”
“Although I’m sure she’s fun to play with.” Kieran smirks at me from the front seat. I hit him upside the head, and he pretends to swerve on the road, acting as if I’d bludgeoned him.
“Will the two of you quit teasing him?”
“Thank you, Nate.”
“Jake clearly gets upset when you talk about his girlfriend.”
“She’s not my girlfriend,” I grumble as I cross my arms and sink back into my seat. Dammit, Vanessa’s dramatics have started to rub off on me.
Eli picks his hat off the floor and places it back on his head. “Well, if Vanessa was so easy to give it up to Shep, maybe I should ask if she wants a turn in my bed. I can show her how a real cowboy fucks.”
Before I realize what I’m doing, I reach across the truck, punching Eli. He puts up his arms, protecting his face as he laughs.
“For fuck’s sake, quit it you two!” Nate almost falls over his seat trying to separate us. He grabs me first and tosses me back to the other side of the truck.It takes me a second to regain my composure, knowing full well I just outed myself to my friends. But what am I supposed to do, allow Eli to talk about Vanessa as if she’s just another random hookup? I don’t fucking think so.
“Can you two asshats stop bickering or else I’ll drive us all into a pole and you two can explain to Coach why we’re all dead.”
“If we were all dead, how do you expect us to tell Coach it was our fault?”Eli fires back without letting a second go by.
I instinctively let out a chuckle. As much as Eli pushes my buttons, he knows how to quickly diffuse tension.
“Eli, apologize. Now.” Nate uses his stern dad voice, trying to calm the car down.
Eli puts his hands up in defeat. “All right, all right. I promise to stop making sexual jokes about Vanessa if you admit that the two of you are sleeping together.”
I look to the front, where Nate is still turned around to face us and Kieran is now watching me through the rearview mirror.
Sometimes I hate my friends.
“Fuck, fine!” I scrub my hand down my face. “We’ve been sleeping together the past couple of weeks—but it’s nothing. We’re just having fun.”
“Jake, don’t tell me you guys are trying to do the whole friends with benefits shit?” Nate’s eyebrow quirks up.
“Yeah.”
The entire car is filled with groans.
“You’re an idiot.”
“I can’t wait to see how this turns out.”
“You have no idea what you’re in for.”
I shake my head at their comments.This is the main reason why I tried to keep it in the dark. I knew that they would all have their own opinions. But did they really expect me to say no when a beautiful girl asked me to casually hook up with her at both of our convenience? Especially when that girl is Vanessa. I would be an idiot to say no.
I ignore them for the remainder of the drive to campus, which lasts all of two minutes.
We park at the arena, grab our gear, and head onto the bus. It’s almost a seventeen-hour drive so we’re stopping halfway in Virginia to stay overnight. I was hoping to get some alone time with Vanessa before the weekend, but I have this lingering feeling that the boys won’t let this be a peaceful road trip.
Almost half the team is already on the bus, knocked out cold. The nice thing about long trips is that we leave early in the morning that you’re asleep for the majority of the ride. I head down the aisle and take a seat in my usual spot at the back.Kieran moves to sit in the window seat, but I block him with my knee. “I don’t think so. Ness is sitting with me for the ride.”
He shakes his head at me. “You are so in over your head, man.”He turns around and sits down across the aisle next to Levi.
Kieran has no idea what he’s talking about. Vanessa and I are just friends and I promised her we could sit together. It’s the least I could do after the shitshow I caused on our last roady. This time I’m going to make sure we can make our time more enjoyable.
Even if we sleep the whole way, I hope her hair smells like that expensive shampoo she uses. It smells like coconut and vanilla. I used some when I was at her place and she almost killed me. She said something about only using a dime-sized amount of product, and I may have overindulged. And by that I mean I really lathered that shit on.
I feel her presence the moment she steps on the bus. My eyes follow my instinct and find her walking in between the rows of seats. I watch as she squints her eyes, the bus lights a little too bright for her this early. When her eyes land on me, she smiles and a weird feeling arises in my gut.
Oh shit.
Her mossy-green eyes have small bags under them. Her hair is pulled away from her face, resting in a bun on the base of her neck, those angel wings framing her face. I can’t help but let a dirty thought sneak its way into my brain—her hair would look beautiful wrapped around my hand as I fuck her from behind.
I’m going to hell.
Her leggings make her ass look phenomenal as she squeezes past me to the window seat I reserved for her. The grey crewneck engulfs her small frame. It looks big enough for the both of us to fit into. She squishes her small pillow against her head and the window, immediately getting comfortable next to me. I have a feeling that she’s going to pass out the second the bus starts moving.
“I made a playlist for the road. Some of your stuff mixed with mine.” I pull my AirPods out of my pocket and pass her one of the earbuds.
She grabs it with a hesitant look. “There’s no country on here, is there?”
“Nah, that’s more of Eli’s thing.”
She takes my phone out of my hands and starts scrolling through the list of songs. Her fingers stop halfway through and she moves her attention back to me. “Jakey, have I ever told you how grateful I am that you have good music taste.”
I cringe at the nickname she loves to call me. I think it’s payback for all the times I called her “sunshine.”
Eli eavesdrops from the seat in front of us and turns around. “There’s nothing wrong with country, you two just won’t expand your music taste to real music.”
“Whatever keeps you sane, Eli,” Vanessa whispers, settling back into her seat as she shuts her eyes and the rest of the world out. Unknowing to her, once you get Eli going, it’s hard to get him to shut up.
“Once we get to Nashville, you’ll realize what you’re missing out on, darlin’.” He inclines his hat toward her.
Vanessa quirks an eyebrow at him. “Are you telling me that when you’re home and want to relax or study, you purposely pick a song that talks about late-night drives, drinking beer, and owning a plot of land with your small-town honey?”
I can’t help the laugh that bursts out of me. That is exactly what Eli does. He was born and raised on his family’s ranch in Tennessee, country is in the boys’ bones.
“You bet your ass I do, Nichols. And you know what?” Eli leans over the armrest on his chair. “It gets me laid too. If you weren’t so sassy, maybe I’d show you some of that Southern hospitality.”
My mouth mimics Vanessa’s, wide open and shocked as fuck. I can’t believe he really had the balls to say that.
“Eli, it’s too early to debate music with you. Keep your country music and your sweet talk to yourself. I’m sure you’ll find some country puck bunny that’ll worship the ground you walk on the second we arrive in Nashville.”
“Oh, I’m counting on it. The second the girls see this smile along with my hat, they’ll never want me to leave.”Eli wiggles his eyebrows and Vanessa rolls her eyes at him.
Nate grabs Eli by his shoulder and pulls him back down to his seat. “Ignore him. It’s too early for his brain to function properly.”
“It’s fine. If you forgot, I live with your sister. I can never truly escape country music. She blasts it through the place whenever she cleans. I was trying to edit a video the other day and I had some Zach Bryan song stuck in my head for the rest of the day.”
“How’s all that going by the way? Your term assignment and stuff.”
Vanessa’s eyes go big at Nate’s question. “It’s good. Well, as good as it can be, I guess. We have a big report due at the end of the month that’s worth almost half our grade. Everyone has to compile all of their stats from each social media account and put all the information into a report with graphs and all that fun stuff. It’s not hard, but it’s tedious going through all the data, so I’ve been a little stressed.”
She has seemed a bit stressed lately. Luckily, whenever it gets too much, she calls me for a little stress reliever. A.k.a. my dick.
A gift of Vanessa’s is that she always loves to overexplain. If you ask her a question or if she’s explaining a story, you better have five minutes set aside because she will go into every little detail and everything that connects to it. Some people might find it irritating when someone gets off track, but it’s one of my favorite qualities she has.
“Nate and I were talking about how we’ve noticed you’ve been at the house a lot studying with Jake. Is he helping you with your project? Giving you some one-on-one exclusive content?”
At the sound of my name, she narrows her eyes on Eli. “Maybe you should focus on getting a goal rather than my whereabouts.”
Her sassy comeback gets a reaction out of all of us. Eli settles back into his seat, crossing his arms over his chest. “Well, you don’t need to be rude, Vanessa .” He snaps his head toward the window.
She laughs at his dramatics and settles back into her own seat.
“All right, quiet down back there.” Coach stands up from the front and walks up and down the aisle. “We should reach Virginia in the early afternoon. We’ll stay there overnight and then head to Nashville tomorrow.”
Mumbles of agreement fill the bus and I focus my attention back on Vanessa as she gets more comfortable in her seat.
About an hour goes by and I’m about to fall asleep to the music when Vanessa shuffles next to me, still deep in her slumber. She moves her body, resting her head on my shoulder, her hand falling onto my lap. She starts mumbling in her sleep, but most of her words are incoherent.
“Mmm, warm.” Her arm wraps around my torso, and her subconscious pulls herself closer into me.
That strange feeling in my gut returns and I’m starting to realize what it is.
I’m in deep shit.
VANESSA
I don’t think I’ll ever get used to long road trips.
Being stuck on a Greyhound for longer than eight hours should be illegal. Luckily Jake was prepared with a good playlist and snacks, or else I probably would’ve gone insane.He even convinced half of the bus to sing Taylor Swift karaoke with him.
Last night we stayed in Virginia to break up the seventeen-hour drive. A few of us hung out in Jake and Kieran’s room playing cards. Jake taught me how to play euchre—a game that his family plays every holiday. It took him over an hour to explain it to me. Once I got the hang of it, Kieran, Levi, Nate, and Eli all played with us, staying up later than we should have. I think it’s really wholesome that Jake and I can spend time together and not have it revolve around sex.We’ve become a lot closer since we’ve been spending so much time with one another. When we’re not spending time in bed—or in the shower, or in my living room—we sit with each other and just talk . Our conversations have become one of my favorite pastimes. It feels so easy to talk to him.
It’s funny how at the beginning of the semester I thought that being assigned as the social media coordinator for the hockey team would be insufferable. Looking at it now, I’ve gotten to experience so much and make new friends.
As I look out onto the ice and see my new friends warming up, my heartstrings tug. I’m so grateful for what this project has brought me. If I had been assigned to work for any other school club or sport, I never would’ve given Jake a second chance.
I grab my camera from my tote bag and start taking shots of the guys as they practice before their last game of the night. For special tournaments, they change the style to a round-robin tournament, something I’m actually familiar with.BCU has played two games so far today and won both. If we win this game then we make it to round two tomorrow morning. And if we win both games, we play another team for first place.
I pan my camera from the ice up to the stands, and I spot Jake’s family right away. I haven’t met them yet, but they’re easy to pick out of the crowd.
Jake is the spitting image of his father. They are both tall, with broad shoulders—his coming from hockey while his dad’s defined posture definitely comes from all his work in construction. His dad’s hair is cut short, with streaks of gray peppering his light brown hair. The only difference between them is Jake’s curls, which clearly come from his mother.
His mom is much shorter than his dad, but still looks taller than me, with peachy skin and gorgeous blonde curls. Her smile is so big as she watches Jake skate across the ice, waving at them.Standing in between his parents is his younger sister, Autumn. Holy crap , they could be twins .Everything from her blue eyes down to her wavy brown hair is identical to her brother. The only difference is the height. Autumn is about the same height as her mom. She has a smaller frame, but I remember Jake saying that she’s been doing dance since she was four.
I could go over and introduce myself, but I don’t know what I would say. Oh, hi, I’m the girl your son is casually sleeping with.
Yeah, I don’t think that will go over well.
I think I’ll just keep my distance and keep myself occupied with photographing the boys tonight.
We ended up winning the last game as well, putting us at the top of the tournament.
After the game, most people went out to dinner or explored the city with their friends.I decided to head back to the hotel to upload my photos and videos from tonight onto my laptop. I add them to my folder, organizing my posts for this upcoming week, and adding more information to my report.
The only stressful part about this class is our monthly reports. The actual work part is easy. Or at least for me it is.I thought that working with a ton of young athletes would be problematic, but they’ve been more than willing to help me with whatever I ask of them. I asked Jake if he would participate in a TikTok trend where the boys walk through the arena lip-syncing different parts to a song, and he had half the team volunteering to do it with him.
My stomach grumbles, distracting me from my work. I look at the time and realize it’s late and most of the guys have probably already had dinner by now. I’ve never been to Nashville before, so I have no clue what time restaurants close or where the best places are, but there’s one person who’s been here multiple times who might want to tag along for a late-night snack.
I walk down the hall until I end up in front of Jake’s door.On the other side I hear Kieran and Jake arguing with one another, but it’s muffled, so I can’t quite make out what they’re talking about. I knock three times, loudly, and moments later Jake swings the door open. He looks down at me and his facial expression changes immediately from grumpy to happy.
“Hey, Ness, what’s going on?” He leans against the door frame and crosses his arms over his chest, making his biceps bulge in his black BCU T-shirt. My legs quake as I study his tan, corded arms.
“I was feeling a little hungry and wanted to see if you’d grab food with me?”
He looks over his shoulder into his room and I follow his gaze. Kieran is sitting on his bed with his phone pressed to his ear.
“Just let me grab a jacket.”
I start walking down the hallway to call the elevator for us, and Jake runs up at the same time the doors open.
“This is for you.” He hands me a sweater, and as I unfold it, I realize it’s his BCU hoodie that has his number on the sleeve. I always wear this when I’m at his place. “It’s got a little chilly outside. Thought you might be cold in just your shirt.”
I look down at my white long sleeve and realize I probably should’ve brought a coat.
“Thanks.”
The material is soft as I pull it over my head. The hoodie is worn, but in the best way. You know it’s been worn too many times when the former soft fabric pills inside from one too many washes. It’s not technically soft anymore but now it’s cozy.
My stomach growls, filling the small space with gurgling sounds.
Lovely.
“If you were that hungry, you should’ve grabbed me sooner.” He laughs. “What are you in the mood for?”
The fresh air hits us as we leave the lobby and walk down the streets of downtown Nashville. The breeze is much cooler than it was during the day.I tuck my hands into the front pocket and walk alongside Jake on the sidewalk. The streets are packed with people—going out for dinner, heading out for a night of partying, or some simply enjoying the nightlife.
The air wafts around me, filling my senses with so many different options . I can smell smokey barbecue coming from the restaurant across the street. Coach Wilson took everyone out for lunch in between games today and I had the best crispy chicken sandwich. One thing Nashville knows how to do well is food, especially barbecue.
As I internally debate what I want, the most delicious smell goes up my nose.
Pizza.
Tucked in between a pharmacy and a smoke shop, there’s a tiny pizza place with big glass windows and a giant neon sign at the front of the store. The New Yorker inside of me screams.
“I think pizza is the way to go. It calls to me.” I place my hands over my heart, as if the food is my soul mate.
We enter the small shop and my mouth immediately starts watering. There are three large pizzas on the counter, one pepperoni, one cheese, and one pizza that has just about every topping imaginable. The tiles on the floor are checkered red and white and the walls are a basic yellow with multiple tacky signs. This place feels like it belongs in a movie from the eighties.
“Can I get two waters and two slices of pepperoni, please?” Jake pulls out his wallet before I can object.
“Thank you.” I smile up at him as I grab my slice from the cashier.
My piece is bigger than the size of my head. The cheese is thoroughly melted and gooey, and the small circles of pepperoni have the perfect crisp to this. It reminds me of a place back home in New York that operates out of a small take-out window. It’s one of those places where if you blink, you could miss it. The slices are the size of my head and they’re only two bucks.
“What are you thinking about?”
“This place reminds me of a restaurant back home.” I take a bite, a little drop of tomato sauce drips down my chin and Jake’s there with a napkin, immediately cleaning it up for me.
“And how does it compare?”
With a mouth full, I cover my lips as I respond, “ Very good.”
He takes us to a park near the hotel so we can sit and enjoy our meal before we both finish devouring our food.Jake tells me about his normal pizza order—extra sauce, extra cheese, and a heaping amount of mushrooms and bacon. He tells me how his sister will only eat cheese pizza and nothing else, so pizza nights in their household were very entertaining.
“Each of us would order our own small pizza and sometimes if Autumn was feeling adventurous, she would try a piece of mine or my mom’s.” He laughs at the memory. “Almost every time she would end up pulling all the toppings off.”
I love when Jake shares memories with me, especially ones with his family. He has no idea how lucky he is to have grown up in a loving home with a sibling. Being an only child seems like it’s a dream—being the only one who gets all of your parents’ attention, but it’s lonely. I always hoped that one day I would have a sibling or that my parents would pay attention to me. But you can’t always get what you want.
I finish my slice and toss out our paper plates.
As we get up to make our way back to the hotel, a shiver runs down my spine, causing goose bumps to settle over my arms.
“Are you still cold? Do you want my jacket?”
“No-no, I’m fine. It’s chillier than I expected tonight.”
Within seconds his denim jacket is placed on my shoulders, his warmth immediately engulfing me. The inside is lined with that sherpa material that keeps your body heat in. The goose bumps on my arms go away and the smell of him invades all of me.Sandalwood and something spicy.
“You didn’t have to do that.” Although I’m grateful he did. I really underestimated the weather here. I don’t know why I thought Nashville would be warmer. I wrap the jacket around me, sealing in the warmth.
“You’re always freezing. Especially at night when you put your cold toes on me.”
“It’s not my fault you’re basically a furnace.”
“I think if you started wearing socks around your house, your feet wouldn’t be so damn cold all the time.”
I stick my tongue out at him.
It’s something I’ve done ever since I was little. I don’t know what it is about me and socks, but as soon as I get home, they have to come off. Sometimes I’ll get too warm or feel claustrophobic, and the second I take off my socks I feel better.Does that mean that my feet are normally freezing when I hop into bed? Yes . But that’s something I choose to deal with.
We walk in a comfortable silence, allowing me to take in the scenery around us. I love exploring cities I’ve never been to, but I won’t lie, sometimes I get big city anxiety. It’s the fear of not knowing where anything is or the best way to get around. I’m pushed out of my comfort zone and have to figure out everything for myself.
“Can I say something vulnerable without being judged?” The words slip from my mouth.
Jake looks at me curiously. “You can tell me anything you want, angel girl.”
The softness in his tone eases the anxiety building in my chest.
“When I visit a city for the first time, normally I get anxious. I know that sounds a bit bizarre since I come from one of the biggest cities in the country. Being surrounded by tons of strangers and not knowing where anything is unsettles me. But…” I trail off, thinking about how I’m going to say this without sounding like I’m in love with him or something—which I’m not. “Being here, in Nashville, with you—it’s comforting. I don’t find myself constantly looking over my shoulder or triple-checking the area we’re walking in. I feel…safe.”
Jake stops on the sidewalk and pulls me into him. “Anytime you need a comfort person, I’ll always be here.” His lips crash onto mine and the kiss makes me dizzy.
I don’t know how long we stay outside, kissing on the sidewalk. But when he pulls away, my chest feels hollow.
We walk back to the hotel, which is only down the block. As we get to our floor, I turn around and take off Jake’s jacket, passing it to him. “Thanks for hanging out with me tonight. Sorry if I interrupted something with Kieran earlier.”
“Don’t worry about him. Girl trouble, as always.” He pulls me into a suffocating hug, “And don’t thank me for hanging out with you, Ness. I love being around you.”
My heart swells with his words. Why does he have to say sweet things like that? A girl could get the wrong idea very easily.
“I like being around you too.”I press my card to my hotel room, unlocking it. “Good night, Jake.”
“Night, Nichols.” He gives me a quick peck that I wish was longer and then heads down the hall to his own room.
I close the door behind me, and all my suppressed feelings come to the surface. I can’t shove them down any longer.
Could I be falling for him?