Chapter 16 #2
“I look like a lot of people.” He paused, jaw clenching, and when he continued, his voice was quiet. “I’ve been searching faces my whole life. It doesn’t usually mean much.”
“And how ironic that the one time you’re not looking close enough, it’s exactly who you’ve been looking for.”
Carus shook his head, backing away like he was going to run. But for him, for herself, for her parents who had lost a child all those years ago, Nya called, “Carus. Wait.”
He turned but said nothing, his eyes wide, shining with unshed tears. But he stopped, waiting for her to speak.
“Morgen said you have memories of emotions.” She took a deep breath, trying to soften her voice. “Can you tell me what they were?”
He shook his head, shutting his eyes and muttering, “This is a waste of time.”
“Maybe, but wouldn’t you rather make sure than wonder if you were wrong for the rest of your life?”
He opened his eyes, identical to hers except in their shape, slightly closer to her mother’s. “I remember sadness mostly, but it was almost bittersweet, like…like the sadness felt unfair because it was so entangled with joy.”
He paused, hesitating for so long, she thought he wouldn’t continue. Eventually, he let out a slow breath, unfurling his fisted hands.
“There were words too. Just one phrase. I never told anyone, because I was sure that after looking for so long, I’d probably just made them up because I wanted to remember something.”
“Maybe you did,” she said quietly, tilting her head. “Still, what were they?”
Carus didn’t look at her, his voice barely a hoarse whisper. “He looks just like you.”
The tunnel fell silent, aside from the quiet murmuring of her parents in the room beyond. Nya took a short breath. “I wasn’t there, Carus, not until later, when they let me say goodbye, so I can’t confirm anything. But they can.”
“I shouldn’t.” He was backing up again. “I can’t.”
“Carus.” She reached out to him. “Just come with me. I’ll do all the talking. But this way, you can at least have an answer.”
“Do I want it?” he asked, not her, but Morgen, who stood just behind her. “This would mean… I don’t even know what this would mean.”
“You want to know,” Morgen said. “Believe me, Carus.”
Unspoken words lingered in the air: They would love you if they knew. Don’t waste that.
They would, Nya was sure of it. They had never stopped loving her baby brother. It didn’t matter that he was gone. Morgen had never had that love from the people who brought him into the world, and he never would. It made sense why he was pushing Carus to find out the truth.
“Alright.” Carus paced back and forth a few times before stopping in front of her. “Fuck… Fuck. Okay, you can ask.”
She nodded silently, and he followed her as she ducked into the room.
Her parents were sitting on one of the cots together, and they immediately looked up when they saw her, their eyes wide and full of relief.
Neither of them looked upset, despite the awful things she had said to them yesterday.
Guilt clawed at her, but their lack of anger didn’t surprise her.
They had never let anything get in the way of loving her unconditionally.
“I’m sorry about what I said,” Nya said first, crossing over and sitting in the chair across from them. “I didn’t mean it.”
Her mother nodded, tucking a loose curl behind her ear. “We know, Nya. But I understand why you’re angry. Nothing about this is fair, and I wish more than anything I could take that away.”
Nya bit her lip, tucking away her own emotions for now. This wasn’t about her. “I know.” She glanced back at Carus, who watched them with wide eyes. She blinked once at him, a silent warning, then faced her parents again. “I need to ask you both something.”
“What is it?” her father asked, brow creased.
She cleared her throat, folding her trembling hands tightly in her lap. “When my brother was born, did either of you say anything in particular?”
She knew they were going to be taken aback by the question, and, sure enough, her mother’s lips parted in surprise, and her father paled slightly, his shoulders stiffening.
It took a moment for either of them to speak, but finally, her mother said in a tight voice, “We talked to him for a while.” Her voice broke as she added, “He was loved, Nya, just like you, and we needed to make sure he knew that before—” She cut herself off, quickly brushing at her eyes.
Even after all these years, she could tell their pain was still just as potent. That alone made the next words even harder to force out, but she did, for all their sakes.
“But was there anything in particular you remember?”
“Nya, what’s going on?” her father asked, his usually steady voice wavering.
There were very few times she had seen her father cry. The night her brother was born had been one of them, and she hated bringing the memories to light again.
In her periphery, Carus took a step back, and she thought he might have been about to leave, so she said firmly, “I’ll explain, I promise. But first, please, was there anything you remember saying of note?”
Her father took a deep breath, exchanging a look with her mother, undoubtedly speaking to her down the pathway, currently closed to Nya.
“When you were born, Nya, until the moment you opened your eyes, you were like a tiny replica of your mother,” he said, his smile bittersweet. “Your brother never got the chance to open his, but he… He looked—”
He cut himself off, looking down abruptly, but her mother finished for him. “He looked just like your father, Nya.” She smiled too, even as tears tracked down her cheek. “I remember that most.”
Nya did not smile, her eyes widening. Their words matched Carus’ memory far too closely to be a mere coincidence.
She glanced back at Carus, who wasn’t looking at her now, instead staring at her parents with a disbelieving expression.
Morgen, who lingered in the doorway, nodded once at her. I think we were right.
“Nya, what’s going on?” her mother asked, obviously aware of the sudden tension.
Nya saw the exact moment her father noticed Carus standing with a hand pressed to the wall.
Her parents did not know what their son would have looked like grown.
She wasn’t even sure they thought he would be reborn, so she didn’t blame them for not realizing it right away.
It was the same reason neither she nor Carus had noticed their own resemblance.
The mind did funny things to rationalize things it thought impossible.
“Carus was born to mortal parents in D’anna,” Morgen said quietly. “Obviously, he’s not mortal, but he never knew who his true parents were.”
“Stop talking about me as if I can’t hear you, asshole,” Carus muttered in a thick voice, though his eyes were still on Nya’s father.
Morgen lifted his hands in the air. “I was just filling them in on the basics, since I presume you weren’t going to.”
“How old are you?” Nya’s father asked hoarsely. Her mother’s eyes were huge, ether illuminating the tears rolling steadily down her cheeks.
“Twenty,” Carus said, clearing his throat, adding, “Everyone says I look older.”
Her father nodded slowly. “I got that a lot too as a teenager.”
“Carus,” Nya said, and he finally looked away from her father. “Tell them what you told me, about what you remember.”
Carus took an audibly shaky breath, glancing at Morgen before looking at her with a pained half-smile. “You have turned out to be a hell of a lot more trouble than I bargained for, sweetheart.”
She shrugged but offered a small smile back at him. “I’d say I’m sorry, but I’m not big on apologizing to people who helped kidnap me.”
He didn’t laugh, instead looking at her parents, his eyes a little wide. Nya had meant it when she’d said she thought Carus appeared older than twenty, but right now, he looked…young, unsure and boyish, with a vulnerability she was certain he usually hid under sarcasm and humor.
“I doubted for a long time what I was feeling—that sureness I didn’t belong where I was when I was young—because I didn’t have memories,” he started.
“Once I came to Arcadia, I met a few demi-gods who had been reborn, and they all said eventually, everything about their past lives came back to them. All I had was the memory of brief emotions and a single phrase: that I looked like him.” He paused, glancing upwards and clearing his throat again.
“I guess it makes sense now, and I’m sorry for making all this more complicated than it already is.
I won’t take it personally if you’re not interested in knowing me. We did take you as prisoners.”
Silence fell over the room, broken only when her mother stood slowly, her entire body trembling. “Did you hear a word of what we said to Nya a few minutes ago?”
Carus’ brows rose in surprise. “Yes, but surely, you can’t actually apply those words to me. I almost killed you yesterday,” he said, glancing at Nya’s father. “I helped kidnap Nya and am leading a campaign to put Kronos’ heir back on the throne.”
“Fortunately, I’m still alive,” her father said. “And Morgen’s explanation made sense.”
Carus shook his head. “Still—”
“But it wouldn’t have mattered,” her father cut him off, ether flaring in his eyes. “Nya could stab me in the heart and twist the knife, I’d still be trying to make sure she was okay.”
Carus shut his mouth, still stiff at the wall.
Her mother took a tentative step towards him.
“You don’t know me, and I don’t want to smother you with the assumption you want a relationship with either of us.
I know how terrifying it is to have someone tell you how much you mean to them with little understanding of those emotions, even if you feel them yourself.
Being reborn is complicated; each life is your own, and you are not expected to uphold anything from your past ones.
But…if you want to know me, I would very much like to know you. ”
Carus stared at her for a long time, long enough that Nya saw a little of the hope die in her mother’s eyes, at least until he tentatively said, “So you’re Nyx and Thanatos’ daughter?”
Her lips twitched. “In my first life, yes.”
“I can see the resemblance.”
She took another slow step, nearly in front of him now, tilting her chin back to meet his eyes. “Of course you’re tall,” she said with a soft laugh. “I swear, I have a permanent crook in my neck.”
“My birth mother said the same thing,” he said, his lips twitching strangely, as if he wasn’t sure if smiling was a proper reaction. “She hated it. Neither of my parents were tall, and I think she was worried her husband suspected an affair on her part. I… Sorry. If that’s strange to bring up.”
“Not at all,” her mother said. “I know it’s odd, being born into a family and being completely out of place, but no one expects you to talk about it as if it didn’t happen.”
Nya glanced back at Morgen, who was watching Carus talk to her mother with a blank expression.
He looked entirely emotionless, but Nya knew better.
Though she was sure he was happy for Carus, it couldn’t be easy watching this.
She imagined a part of the reason he and Carus had bonded in the first place was because of their childhoods—or lack thereof.
Now, Carus was getting what Morgen would never have.
“Papa,” she said quietly. “I’ll give you three some time to talk, okay?”
He glanced at her, having been watching Carus talk to her mother. He nodded then stood and pulled her into a tight hug.
“You’re still my favorite,” he said in her ear, and she laughed, pulling back and flicking his nose.
“That’s mean, and you hardly know him yet,” she said. “But I will take your favoritism gladly.”
He smiled, but it fell slightly. She could tell he was worried. “Are you alright?”
She looked at the doorway, finding Morgen had left. “I’m alright,” she said. “I’ll be back. Be nice.”
He followed her eyes, a flicker of sadness on his features before it cleared and he patted her cheek. “No promises.”
As she walked to the door, Carus gave her a smile that looked more like a grimace. But still, he was sitting with her mother and talking, and when her father joined them, he remained.
The tunnel was empty when she stepped out, and, on a hunch, she said down the pathway, Varax?
He’s out here.
Care to share where ‘here’ is?
Nya waited, leaning her hip against the wall. A few minutes had passed by the time she heard Morgen say, It’s a bit of a climb. You don’t need to bother.
Nya sighed loudly. Varax, would you be so kind as to give me directions?
Just down the hall from his chambers, there is a set of stairs set into the stone that leads out to the side of the mountain. After that, you’ll just have to hike.
Nya didn’t bother replying, instead hurrying towards the direction of his room. She was surprised to realize she had already started learning her way around the tunnel systems.
When she reached Morgen’s room, she found the stairway with little trouble, though by the time she climbed it to the top, she was panting.
She swore softly when she emerged and saw the worn footpath that wrapped around the side of the mountain.
It was less steep than most of the peaks surrounding them, but still, she had no idea how far up Morgen was.
He had probably portaled there, but she was too stubborn to ask for him to come get her.
The sun was setting by the time she reached the outcropping where he sat against a large boulder, Varax curled behind him. The clouds had cleared enough to let some of the orange-red light seep through at the horizon, casting an eerie glow over the valley.
Nya wondered if, sometimes, he came up here, watching the clouds and deadened valley below, and considered sending one enormous strike of that lightning she’d seen him wield across the mountains, turning all of it to ash.
Perhaps there was something wrong with her, for even after seeing Carus and her parents meet today, she still thought turning all the terrible, wonderful pain of the world into nothing wouldn’t be so bad.