Chapter 2 #2
“Technically, it’s not my fault he got mauled. I told him that he should shit in front of me so I could watch his back, but he wanted some privacy. See what privacy got him? Near death with his pants down around his ankles. So I finished out the trial alone.”
“And… you think this is… normal?” I ask.
Asmodeus looks at me and then smiles. “Hey, I know how to feed us and start a fire, so it wasn’t all for nothing! Aren’t you going to eat?”
I stare at the meat and do my best to pretend it’s chicken or pork or beef. After all, how am I supposed to lead the group if I’m going to toss down the stick and beg to have a third of that fun-size Snickers bar? I enviously watch while Landon and Lex try to cut it perfectly down the middle.
Lex nibbles on his half as Landon pops the whole thing in his mouth and then whines. “It’s not enough. I need more! I burned so many calories coming up here!”
“Did you?” August asks.
Landon’s brutal eyes turn onto his boyfriend. “What’s that, my sweets?”
“I mean… you sure did!”
After I’ve become mentally prepared, I bite down, ready to spit it out, but it surprisingly tastes quite good.
“Why’s this so good?” August asks between bites as he quickly eats. I guess he’s as brave as I am.
“August… I loved you so much,” Landon says.
August freezes. “Loved?”
“You probably aren’t going to survive,” Landon cries. “My love for you… it’s in my heart, my head, and my loins.”
“He wouldn’t have made it an hour in the wilderness,” Asmodeus concludes.
“This is actually really good,” I say.
“Actually?” Asmodeus asks. “You act like you had doubts.”
“Because I did.”
“Ha, you’re hilarious. Do you want more? I can murder another.”
“No, this is plenty. Landon, it’s really not bad,” I say as Zacia comes over to me and begs for a bite with her huge eyes staring deep into my soul. I stare back at her before pulling a piece free and handing it to her.
“I could never,” Landon insists. “I will go cuddle my books and starve.”
“It does smell really good,” Lex says as he eyes it.
“Lex, no! Don’t go to the dark side! I don’t want to be the only one of my friends left alive tomorrow morning! All I’ll have left is my family and I can’t only have my family. Do you know how scary that would be?”
Lex closes his eyes while he nibbles off the smallest piece. I have absolutely no idea how he’d ever be able to taste it, it’s such a miniscule amount, but he must decide that it’s okay enough that he’ll try a little more.
“Why is this actually good?” Lex asks.
Landon gasps. “Lex, not you too!”
“Just try it, Landon. Pretend it’s a cheeseburger. You know, without the cheese, and… only… a different type of bun involved,” Lex encourages him.
Landon doesn’t look convinced, but then August smiles at him. “Will you try a bite just for me?”
“You know I can’t turn you down when you look at me like that,” Landon says. “I burned so many calories and I’m so hungry. I’m really hungry.”
“Just try it.”
“But… I…”
August pulls off a piece and feeds it to Landon while we all stare in disgust at their cutesy display of affection.
“That almost made me throw up my dinner, but I have a stomach of steel,” Asmodeus says. “I got that stomach of steel after I ate berries on day three of my forty-two-day journey in the wilderness. Shit myself nearly to death.”
“Were there adults anywhere watching this?” I ask, oddly curious.
“Eh, probably. Don’t get me wrong, they weren’t there to save us if something happened, but they wanted to observe us to see what our capabilities were.
The guy watching me must have gotten bored because I think he forgot to come back after day four.
But really, how much fun is it watching someone shit themselves nearly to death? ”
“That’s when he should have taken you to a hospital,” I say.
“We didn’t believe in hospitals. They treated us like horses. Break a leg and they take you out back and—I’m joking, I’m joking… I think. I actually don’t know what happened to the ones who didn’t fit the bill. Landon, what happened to your meat?”
“I don’t know,” Landon answers, even though he undoubtedly consumed it during Asmodeus’s story.
“Ha, you’re hilarious. Alright, anything you don’t want to get dewy, let’s hang up high,” Asmodeus says. “Anything with water resistance, we’ll use for bedding. Nights get cooler than you think, so double up.”
Landon uses his telekinesis to hang his bag off a branch.
The branch immediately snaps from the weight, and Landon nearly perishes when the books almost hit the ground.
I grab what I need and hang up the rest as Asmodeus opens his bag, and I watch in fascination while he pulls out chocolate bars, marshmallows, and an entire box of graham crackers.
Landon, who seems to have found a branch sturdy enough to hold his library, turns around to see what Asmodeus is doing and gasps.
“You… you made me eat bunbun and you had food?” he screeches. It’s such a loud noise it even makes the crickets go quiet.
“I never told you I didn’t have food. And everyone knows that when you camp, you need to eat s’mores,” he says as he pops a marshmallow on a stick and roasts it to perfection while Landon gapes at him.
“You little shithead, you’re going to pay for that,” he says as he tries to grab Asmodeus in a headlock. Asmodeus turns invisible and moves with such speed that Landon crashes to the ground.
“NoTouchy, I’m going to touch you so fucking hard,” Landon growls since Landon refuses to call Asmodeus “Untouchable” as he claims he should be called.
I can hear the box of graham crackers jostling all around while Asmodeus flees from Landon’s wrath.
“Give me the food before you drop it,” I say, holding my hands out. Asmodeus switches off his invisibility before he drops it into my lap. Landon seems to think he’s gotten a hold of Asmodeus until Asmodeus flips him over and tosses him right on August’s lap with ease.
“Why… why was that a little bit sexy?” Landon asks as August cradles him like a child.
“Was it? Should I be concerned?” August asks.
“I would be,” Asmodeus says before coming back to me. “Did you make yourself a s’more?”
“I… don’t… know how,” I admit.
Asmodeus gasps. “Ellison… doesn’t know something?
You mean this wasn’t written in your little note of things we were doing this weekend?
Rule one: Don’t get more than ten feet from each other at all times.
Rule two: Recognize all forms of plant life that can cause reactions such as poison oak, poison ivy—”
“You read my rules?” I ask in surprise.
“I told you I did,” he says, taking the marshmallow he was making before Landon showed up and popping it in his mouth, then starting another.
“I assumed you were joking… for obvious reasons.”
“I never joke.”
“Riiight,” I say as he cooks the marshmallow with one hand and prepares the graham crackers and chocolate with the other. He smacks the marshmallow down on them and pulls it free from the stick before holding it for a few seconds so it can cool off.
“Open up,” he instructs as he aims it toward my mouth.
“I can feed myself,” I assure him.
“I want to be here for your moment of ecstasy,” he says, not remembering when he’d nearly gagged when August did this very same thing to Landon.
“This makes me want to never eat a s’more.”
“You’re so fussy,” he says before grabbing me in a choke hold and then force-feeding it to me, as though this is how you interact with others. Then again, he likely never learned how to interact with others since he was off brawling bears at twelve years old.
The flavors burst in my mouth as I realize that I’ve been missing out for the last thirty-seven years of my life.
“Eh? Eh? What do you think?” Asmodeus’s grin fills up his face and I force myself to look away from it.
“It’s edible.”
Asmodeus laughs. “You love it, and you know it. I’ll make you another.”
“Make me one!” Landon whines.
“I’ll make you one, hon,” August says as he finds a stick to do so.