Chapter 7
CHAPTER SEVEN
ELLISON
When I open my eyes, I find Asmodeus sitting upside down in a chair. The position is quite… odd. So odd, I assume I’m still sleeping, but nope. His back is where his ass is supposed to go and his legs are up on the wall as his head hangs off. Seeing me awake, he perks up.
“Ah. Ellison. I see you are a survivor.”
“What’s that mean? You knew I lived,” I say, glad I’ve been moved to a different room. This one is a little bigger and has a window so I don’t feel like I’m trapped in a small box.
“I assumed Landon would pull the plug on you first chance he got.”
“I’m not a computer that can just be unplugged. Why are you sitting like that? Sit proper.”
“So I can better assess your breathing.”
I give up. I’ve tried not to, but giving up is what’s happening because nothing in my life has made sense since I met this group.
A chill rushes through me, and when I look down, I discover it’s because Zacia has been completely swaddled in my blanket. All that is poking out are two ears while her happy purrs fill the area around me.
“Are you cold? I asked the nurse for a blanket for you like an hour ago but she never returned. When she does, I will inflict a curse upon her for not being prompt. I also don’t want anyone else to see your tattoos but me.
I examined them at length while you slept,” Asmodeus says before he does a back flip out of the chair and pulls his shirt off, which he lays over me.
He starts removing his pants, which is when I figure out that he’s planning on keeping me warm by giving me all of his clothes.
“Stop! You’re not just… getting naked! Put your clothes back on!” I demand, but since I can’t get out of the bed, I have no control over him as he removes his pants and lays them over me before the door opens and a group floods in.
I freeze when I see them. I’m wearing Asmodeus’s clothes like one of those paper dolls that you swap clothes on while the room suddenly fills with people.
“What is this?” I ask in dismay as I realize that the familiar faces are all part of Landon’s knockoff supervillain group that his parents run.
“Oh wowie, I think we came at a bad time,” Landon says from the front. “August. Shield your eyes, you shouldn’t see such R-rated things.”
“Should I shield my eyes too?” Brandon, Landon’s brother, asks while he shields Baker’s eyes by nearly gouging his eye out with a stray thumb.
“My boy, I would like to die with both eyes firmly still in place,” the older man says as he bats Brandon off.
I sputter. “It’s not… I was cold… because you took my blankets for your cat and then Asmodeus decided he should cover me to keep me warm and just no.”
Landon stares at me for a moment before getting a wicked look on his face. “Oh no… Ellison, should I call the doctor? Your face… it looks like all of the blood is rushing to it.”
“Why don’t you take your cat and go home? That would solve a lot of my problems because I would at least be warm!”
“Nonsense. The SAVCGEM is here to heal you with the power of magical words and mischievous—aka senseless—deeds,” Landon proclaims as he waves to them.
Brandon holds his hand out. “I didn’t know what we were here for, so I got you a balloon,” he says, giving me one that reads, “Congrats on the baby girl!”
“Aww, you’re having a girl?” Landon asks as he looks between me and Asmodeus. “Which one of you is carrying?” He cups Asmodeus’s stomach and rubs it before looking at me. Clearly, the expression on my face tells him that if that hand comes anywhere near me, he might not have it any longer.
“If Deus is carrying anything, you know it’d be a demonic baby,” Lex says.
“I would gladly carry your baby, Ellison,” Asmodeus declares.
“How did we get here?” August asks. “Just… how?”
“You probably took the elevator. It’s how I got here,” Asmodeus says.
Landon seems mildly interested in getting this thing back on track. “Anyway, the SAVCGEM heard about you getting hurt and wanted to come make you feel better,” he announces, and I don’t know if this was his idea, but we obviously need to have a talk about what would make me “feel” better.
“Wait, what? I… thought he was coming out as a villain,” Landon’s father, Mark, says.
“You… thought I invited you to a hospital to have a coming out villain party?” Landon asks in disbelief. Like how can his family still surprise him?
“I thought he was coming out as my new best friend,” Brandon says, as if we’ve spoken much to each other. Beyond holding his cheese at one point, I’m not quite sure how much we’ve interacted.
“Hon, didn’t you text me to grab a cat?” Mark holds up a box and I stare at it in horror, positive that I will do everything in my power to keep them from opening that box and trying to pawn a cat off on me. A cat does not fit my lifestyle.
“I said to grab a bat, not a cat,” Patricia, Landon’s mom, says.
“Huh… I swear it said ‘cat’ earlier. Ah well.” Mark shrugs as he puts his phone away after having confirmed that he was in the wrong.
“What was the bat for?” August asks.
“The pinata.”
Brandon looks enthusiastic. “Ooh, did you fill it with cheese like I asked?”
“Doesn’t matter what we filled it with, we have no bat to bust it open,” Patricia says, and everyone looks down at the box with the cat in it. “What do I do with the pinata then?”
“This will work,” Brandon suggests as he picks up the IV pole that I’m currently connected to.
“Calm down, calm down. Put the IV pole down,” Asmodeus says, and I look up at him in surprise. Is Asmodeus, of all people in this room, the only sensible one?
Disappointed that he can’t use the IV pole, Brandon switches to tying the “Congrats on the baby girl!” balloon on my wrist while I watch Asmodeus pull out an extendable baton from his bag which he hands off to Landon.
“There you go.”
“There he doesn’t go!” I growl. “I’m fine, thank you. I’m not having a baby girl, thank you, and I’m definitely not taking a cat home.” I try tugging the balloon off, but he’s triple-knotted it and it just bounces all around.
“There’s nowhere to tie the pinata,” Baker announces.
“Oh, we don’t tie it off, we just have Brandon hold it so when you miss, you still get to smack something,” Landon explains.
“How nefarious!” Baker says approvingly as he grabs Asmodeus’s baton and whaps Brandon before Brandon even has the pinata raised. I’m wondering if it’s payback for Brandon making him sit on his lap in the back of that SUV… which I’m sure is also how they drove over here.
Brandon just laughs and then it’s Landon’s turn. I notice that no one has actually hit anything but Brandon at this point. Landon even goes for a second whack.
“That tickles!” Brandon says.
“Everyone, stop!” Patricia orders, and I decide that there might be someone with sense in this room as she pulls the baton from Landon… until she hands it to me. “The wounded one should get to go first.”
I stare at her in disbelief. “Excuse me, no. We should put this away.”
“Just give it a single whack, you might like it,” Asmodeus coaxes, wrapping his hands around mine. He’s still in his underwear, and I’m still wearing his clothes… on top of me, of course.
“Once I started whacking things, I sure learned how much I liked it,” Landon says as he cackles to himself. “August does too, dontcha, honey?”
August mutely stands there. I think he’s short-circuiting at this point.
“This is outrageous,” I scold. “A hospital should be quiet and for healing, and only a few people are even allowed in this room.”
“We’re villains, honey,” Patricia says. “Our whole thing is doing stuff we’re not supposed to.”
And then Asmodeus forces my hand to swing through the air and whack the pinata before passing the baton off.
“That was pretty fun, wasn’t it?” he asks.
“Was it?” I question, not quite sure which part of it was fun.
Asmodeus is grinning at me and I don’t know what to do with that look. Like why is he even making that face?
“Honey, have your parents been by to see you?” Patricia asks.
“No, and I doubt they will. They… They’re busy.”
“Shame, shame, shame. You should call them up, see if they’d like to join the party.”
“My parents would rather shit out an ostrich egg than participate in something like that.”
“My girlfriend said that she wants to watch me lay eggs,” Brandon comments.
“Are we… ever going to meet this girlfriend of his?” August asks.
“Oh, honey, I’m convinced she’s made up at this point,” Landon says, and Brandon looks gobsmacked.
“What? No! She’s not made up.”
“He blows her up,” Patricia corrects.
“Ah, right, right,” Landon says.
“Why would I blow her up? I love her.”
“Brandon, I am cordially inviting you to a double date,” Landon declares. “You will bring your girlfriend, and I will look upon her with my own two eyes.”
“Fine… but you guys are just so weird. You’re going to embarrass me.”
“We’re the embarrassing ones?” August asks quietly. “Ha. Did you hear that?”
“I heard it,” Landon says.
Brandon reaches out and caresses August’s hand.
“August… she’s also a fan of yours. She has a poster of you hanging on her wall.
I always find it weird when we’re doing it, you know?
I feel like you’re watching me, and then one time I ejaculated when I glanced up and caught your eyes, so whenever I see you in person… I feel a little strange.”
August slowly looks over at Landon in horror. Finally, someone in this room is realizing that this isn’t all fun and games. Then the pinata breaks and the contents spill out.
“Money!” Patricia shouts and people dive down to swoop it up before coming up with no money, only ketchup packets, while Patricia cackles. “Oh, how fun this was. Alright, let’s get this villain knighting over with. Hand him his cat. I’m just glad you got a box with holes in it this time.”
“I remembered,” Mark says, sounding quite proud of himself as he sets the box right on my wound.
Quickly, I pick it up. “No… I really couldn’t. Thank you.”