Chapter 20
CHAPTER TWENTY
ELLISON
“No.”
Landon gasps. “What the fuck do you mean ‘no’?”
I stare at him, wondering how it came to this. He told us to meet him at his house, so when I showed up, I expected our group would be doing something noteworthy. “You said you were planning a fun day, not that you were dragging us off to hang out with your parents’ shit show!”
“I’m excited,” August says, already decked out in his “supervillain” outfit.
Landon looks at me incredulously. “You said you wanted something to distract Deus. I said I was going to make someone else plan it. My parents have no life. They love planning this shit. Now let’s go.”
I open my mouth to say no again until I see Asmodeus looking far too excited while he pulls a Halloween mask on. It’s some strange sexy cat mask that makes me cock my head.
“I got one for you so you don’t have to be jealous,” Landon says as he shows me a fox mask.
“’Cause you’re one sexy fox,” Asmodeus declares.
“I’m going home,” I decide. Really, it’s for the best.
Asmodeus grabs me in a choke hold and proceeds to plaster the mask on my face. “Seeing you with that mask on makes me want to take your suit off. Or maybe everything makes me want to take your suit off.”
I push him out of the way. “So we are driving to this location, correct? In another car, correct?”
“Incorrect, they’re swinging by to pick us up. They’re here now,” Landon says as I hear someone lay on the horn. The neighbors have to be looking out and questioning what the fuck is going on while the horn continues to blare.
“Make them stop!” I demand.
“I learned from a very young age you can never make my mother do anything,” Landon says.
“But we can make her get bored.” He reaches for a book like he’s planning on sitting down and reading while the horn blares.
And I have the irritating suspicion that both are stubborn enough we’ll still be here this evening.
“No, let’s go,” I grumble, waving him toward the door. “Let’s get this over with.”
“I can’t wait,” Asmodeus says when we reach the SUV that we are all expected to cram into, which seems to be tradition. “Landon’s papa, do you have room for me on your lap again? Or… will that make you jealous, Ellison?”
“Weirdly, it won’t,” I say dryly.
“So weird,” Lex comments as he trails after us. Instead of going for a mask, he’s gone for a wig and is pulling off the long honey-brown curls with style.
“You will not subject an illusion to this,” Landon threatens. “Deus, tell us if he’s trying to break free by using an illusion.”
“You’re literally talking to his illusion,” Asmodeus says, destroying my plans in an instant.
Landon growls at my illusion and I wave it away before grudgingly following them out to the SUV.
The hatch opens and I look in to where Brandon is cradling the older man, Baker.
Landon and August climb into the back and then Landon pats the floor wildly, like he thinks both Lex and I will fit.
Asmodeus is already up front, spooning Landon’s father.
What have I done to be subjected to this torture?
“There’s no room,” I declare.
“There’s plenty of room,” Landon says as he pats a four-inch space. I stare at the spot until Brandon reaches out and pulls me in and sets me on his other leg.
“See? Baker doesn’t mind sharing!”
“I sure don’t. My wife showed me the wonders of sharing. We like to share every Friday night, if you get what I’m saying,” Baker says as his eyebrows do some waggling. “If you’re interested, my wife would like to take a bite out of you… I might too.”
How? Why? Why must I suffer? “Oddly enough, I’m not interested, but thank you for thinking of me.”
Like why the fuck am I thanking him?
“When I pop my dentures out, that’s when the party really gets started,” Baker tells me.
I stare at Landon, who is loving every minute of this, and then Lex, who looks to have gone off to his happy place.
“Who is this? You never told me you had friends who are girls!” Brandon says, and it takes me far too long to realize he’s talking about Lex.
Landon glances at his brother. “Why yes, this is Princess Alexandria from the country of Blue Balls.”
“Oh wow! You’re like a real-life princess?”
“It’s me, Lex. And I don’t have blue balls, thank you very much.”
Brandon looks confused. “Lex, who?”
“Am I really not memorable at all?” Lex asks.
“Brandon, don’t forget you need to use sign language with Lex,” Landon helpfully states.
“OH! Right! The double penis guy!” he says as he mimes those shafts. It is uncomfortably close to my face seeing as I’m straddling his extremely muscular thigh. “I remember you! You just look so pretty with your hair like that!”
“Why didn’t you bring your girlfriend?” August asks once Brandon finally stops the dick miming.
“Oh… I don’t know if she’s ready for this yet. Thankfully, she was okay after the attack. She called me super brave.”
“Did… did you do anything? I’m pretty sure Deus and Ellison were the only ones doing things,” Landon says. “And August was over there looking mighty fine.”
“He is a very fine specimen,” Baker agrees. “Very symmetrical.”
“Uh… thank you?” August replies.
I look up as Asmodeus crawls over two rows of seats to hang over the back of one. “While your father’s lap is very pleasant, I feel quite left out,” Asmodeus says. “Where shall I sit?”
“Does it look like there’s room?” I ask.
“Fine, I shall hang here and observe with my ass in this woman’s face.”
“I’ve had worse in my face,” she says.
Asmodeus nods approvingly. “A mighty fine compliment.”
“Does anyone know where we’re going?” I ask.
“Somewhere fucking magical,” Patricia yells from the front.
“She told us that once before dropping us off with some people she claimed were our aunt and uncle before going to Disney World without us,” Landon says.
“They weren’t even related to us. They were about to call child services until I used my telekinesis to finish some shit they were working on in their backyard while Brandon hauled heavy things around for them.
They loved us after that and decided to keep us until our parents came back for us. ”
“We had so much fun,” Patricia shouts back.
“Why is it that your parents are extremely evil… but in a peculiar way? Like if my mother did that, everyone would be like ‘dear god, that’s awful,’ but everyone here just thinks it’s funny?” I ask Landon.
“Dude, beats me. My parents are top-tier strange, but I also know that they’d tear the world apart to look for me.
They did that once. I was just at the library and they began telling everyone I’d been kidnapped.
There was a search party and everything.
The thing is… Brandon had gone with me and forgot where he left me. ”
“How old were you?” I ask.
“Like seven. Scarred me for life. I credit it for why I am the way I am.”
“Oh honey, no. That would very much be when your father tried swapping you with another child because he couldn’t remember which one was you.”
“Excuse me, what?” Landon asks. “You… You swapped me?”
“Of course not,” Patricia says. “I told him to look for the birthmark on your hip.”
“I don’t have a birthmark on my hip!” Landon cries.
“Huh. Ah well, you’re ours now!”
“Was I switched at birth? Mother!”
“Oh honey, it wasn’t at birth, you were like two.”
Landon’s even more shocked now. “I was two and Dad didn’t know what I looked like?”
“Oh honey, you went through a spell of wearing masks all the time. It was so cute. You wanted to be a supervillain so badly that even I forgot what you looked like.”
“Did you never bathe me?”
“That’s what Nolan was for. He did all of that stuff. We just did the fun stuff with you.”
“I was switched at birth. It finally makes sense,” Landon decides.
“You and Nolan have too many similar facial features. You must have gotten switched back at some point,” August says.
Patricia waves her hand in an “ah!” motion.
“That’s right! I forgot about that! After two days, Nolan came home and was like ‘Whose child is this?’ and we had to switch you back!
I think the other family wanted to keep you because their son was such a bore.
You were over there whipping shit around with your mind and their kid just sat there like a lump. So boring.”
“I’m texting Nolan and asking him why he switched me back. I could have had a normal family! A real family!” Landon declares.
My phone beeps and I discover that he has put this in a group text.
Landon: What is this I hear that I nearly broke free from this family at the impressionable age of two? I could have had a new family.
Nolan: Nah, you like this family better. That family was rich and the nanny was taking care of you. No one even noticed it was the wrong child. At least with our family, I realized it. That child would have been raised much worse than I raised you.
Asmodeus: I can find the family and try to trade you now.
Landon: You think they’d notice?
Lex: Definitely not.
Landon: I’m interested.
Asmodeus: I’ll be your Daddy and Ellison will be your Mommy.
I put the phone away and stare at Asmodeus, who seems to notice.
“See? He’s already got that motherly stare down. It’s a stare that makes me want to turn around and sit proper in my seat,” Asmodeus says. “Demons, give me strength to not lust after this man.”
“Why do you think we needed to hear any of that?” Landon asks.
“Are you wearing underwear with August’s face on them again?” Asmodeus asks.
“No.”
Lex pulls Landon’s underwear up just enough that we can see August’s beaming face splashed across cotton.
“Then don’t even pretend that anything I’ve said is strange,” Asmodeus says.
“Mom, they’re bullying me!” Landon cries.
“Good. Your little nerd ass needs some bullying,” Patricia shouts. “Brandon, bully your brother.”
“Okay! Uhhhh… Landon, your skin is so pale from never seeing the sun that we could use it as a beacon for ships if the lighthouse goes down.”