Chapter 20 #2
Landon slowly turns to look at Brandon. “She said bully, not roast. And August likes me looking like a vampire, don’t you, baby?”
“You’ve seen the sun once or twice,” August says. “You’re usually shielding your eyes and crying a bit, and I swear the one time I saw smoke rising from your skin, but you’ve seen it.”
Landon glowers at him. “Deus, I would like to sit on your lap since you won’t bully me.”
“Yes, sir.” Asmodeus climbs over the seat, boots August out of the way, and pulls Landon onto his lap. “The last time I held a man like this, I killed him,” he whispers in Landon’s ear.
“This is not what I had in mind,” Landon says with a sigh.
Asmodeus wraps his arms around Landon, who still looks concerned.
Landon pats Asmodeus’s arm. “Your hold… it makes me feel both warm and fuzzy and close with death.”
Asmodeus smiles. “Just the way I like it.”
“This is the longest ride of my life,” Landon says. “Mom, where are you taking us?”
“It’s a secret, Landon! For all that reading you do, you sure aren’t very smart since I’ve already said it like five times.”
“Hold me. Deus, hold me tightly as I question whether anyone loves me since my mother doesn’t,” Landon whines.
Asmodeus gets him into some strange hold like one would use on a baby while August scowls at them.
“Fine, I’ll just be over here,” August says as he runs his finger up the back of my hand. I’m quite confused by this action until I see him press my sleeve up just enough to get a glimpse of my tattoos. Asmodeus dumps Landon and slides between August and me.
“How dare you touch him,” he chastises while he hurriedly settles my sleeve down. Then he hesitates and pushes it back up a little.
“They are not that exciting,” I say.
“What’s under there?” Brandon asks.
“Little penises. That’s his superpower. He grows teeny penises instead of arm hairs,” Landon responds. “Makes every villain turn around and run… besides our very normal Deus over there.”
“I want tiny penis arms,” Brandon says, looking ridiculously disappointed that he doesn’t have this affliction.
“You are perfect just the way you are,” Baker tells Brandon.
“Is he?” Landon asks. “There are a few things I’d change about him, like how he was eating at my dinner table with no underwear on.”
“My balls were moist after my morning run. I couldn’t put my underwear on just yet,” Brandon explains.
“Then don’t you think that’s extra reason to not sit there? I had to burn it. Lex had to burn the chair.”
“I did?” Lex asks.
“Of course. You just don’t remember.”
I notice that Asmodeus has an arm snaking behind my back as he slowly starts drawing me off Brandon’s lap to his, like he thinks I might not notice disengaging from the thick thigh of the man I’m straddling.
I allow him to pull me over because, oddly, sitting on his lap is less awkward than straddling the lap of a man I barely know, but he doesn’t get very far before the SUV stops and Patricia announces, “We have arrived.”
I look out the window but see absolutely nothing out there. Patricia gets out and then fucks off while we all try to find the button on the hatch to let ourselves out. Of course no one helps and Lex has to climb over the back seat and out the side door in order to let us out.
We practically tumble out and look right into the eyes of a police officer who was about to get into his cruiser. He eyes us, then the copious number of people who had just exited the vehicle, before looking back at us like he’s trying to figure out how exactly we fit in there. I’m also uncertain.
He walks over to us. “Excuse me, who was the driver of this vehicle?”
Patricia immediately points in our direction. “One of those for sure. I don’t know who they are, but I just saw them drive in here.”
“I just witnessed them exit the back of the vehicle, ma’am, telling me that they were not driving. It is illegal to have more passengers than seat belts.”
“We have…” Mark looks at the group; I believe he’s counting before giving up. “At least fifteen seat belts.”
“Ha. This is what she deserves. Now come on, what are we here for?” Landon asks as he looks around.
“OH. MY. GOD,” Brandon shouts. It’s so loud it makes the officer jump. “The world’s biggest ball of yarn! I’ve always wanted to see this thing!”
I stare at the massive ball of yarn that does not say “The World’s,” and instead says, “See our massive ball and come inside and snack on our nuts!”
“I like snacking on nuts, alright,” Landon says as he elbows August. “Amiright? Come… what were your villain names again? Suitboi and… oh, right! NoTouchy Eyenipples. Come, come. Let us peruse the ball of yarn with our eyeballs while you all witness me walking out in the sun. Not a vampire, thank you very much.”
Our group gathers around the ball as Landon’s parents try their hardest to get out of a ticket.
I can hear Patricia saying, “But that pale one over there. He’s that pale because he doesn’t have long to live.
This was his dying wish and he wanted to be surrounded by his whole family when he experienced it. ”
“Which could have happened legally if you’d brought multiple cars.”
“I bet Ellison looks pale under that suit! Why are you guys just making fun of my lack of sun?” Clearly, Landon is more hung up on his lack of outdoor activities than the fact that his parents could be headed to jail at the rate they’re going.
“He actually looks perfectly alive, unlike you,” Asmodeus declares.
“Ooh la la,” Landon says, very deadpan.
“Like where would you have to be in life to decide to do this?” Lex asks while he eyes the ball. “I think we’ve all been miserable fuckers at some point in our lives, but have any of you ever decided, ‘I’m going to wind some yarn around a ball and charge people ten dollars apiece to see it’?”
“Jesus, my mom paid ten dollars for us to come in here?” Landon asks.
“No, I think she used the same story she’s using on the police officer to get us in free,” Lex says. “I heard her talking to the owner when I was getting out of the SUV to open the hatch.”
“I will pay for us,” I say, horrified that I’m currently staring at some massive ball of yarn for free. Honestly, it feels like a rip-off, but I also can’t walk away without paying.
“It’s starting to look a little moldy,” Lex comments as he eyes it.
“Does it do anything else?” Brandon asks. “Like… I thought it’d do something else.”
“What else do you think a ball of yarn can do, Brandon? Did you think it’d sing you happy birthday?” Landon asks.
Brandon’s eyes go wide. “Ooh, we should come back here for my birthday!”
“We drove forty minutes for this… and you think we should come back here?” Landon asks.
“I sure do!” And then we all watch while he trips over a sign stating how far away we should stand from the “spectacle” and face-plants right into the moldy ball. The ball breaks off its stand and comes rolling right toward Baker.
“No! I don’t want to die this way,” he cries as Asmodeus slides in front of the ball and shoots it… for some reason.
Seeing as a single bullet doesn’t stop the ball, Landon picks it up with his mind and quickly slams it back down on its stand.
“Fucking hell, Brandon! How thick is your skull that you literally broke it off its stand?” Landon asks while he lets go of the ball that immediately begins to roll off. “Hmm…”
Asmodeus goes, “Huh…”
“I love hanging out with you guys. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy and confident that I am normal,” Lex says.
“Don’t lie to yourself, Lex, if you were normal, you wouldn’t be friends with us,” Landon barks.
“Just… rotate it. There’s probably a spot where it’ll sit flat,” August says, trying to be helpful.
Brandon waves his hand like he has a great idea. “You know what would be funny? If we put Lex’s wig on top! That’d be hilarious.”
“Brandon, help instead of looking useless!” Landon snaps.
“Since we already broke it, do you think I could take it home with me? And then I could charge people to come see it and I’d be so rich I’d be able to take Paisley out to a movie!”
“The owner is coming out,” Asmodeus says, and Landon slaps the ball down.
“It’s facing the wrong way; the red side was facing out when we walked up,” I say.
“What? There’s red on all sides!” Landon cries as he tries twisting it.
“Flip it.”
Landon flips it the wrong way.
“The other way!”
“How many ways can you flip a ball?”
“Here, let me help,” August offers while he starts rotating the ball.
“No, it’s this way,” Asmodeus says, stepping in just as the owner turns the corner and Landon slams it down on top of Asmodeus, flattening him.
Asmodeus immediately turns invisible but I’m not quite sure it was fast enough because the man stares at the yarn with much suspicion, almost like he could have possibly seen the body splatted beneath it.
“You lot better not be up to anything, you hear me?” he asks.
“I just want your nuts,” August declares in his superhero voice. It’s enough to confuse the man and maybe scare him a little.
“I mean… like to eat. You know… Your sign says you have nuts. I’m just… I’m going to stop talking.” And even though he stops talking, he holds on to that superhero pose.
“I think that’s best,” Landon whispers.
The guy finally leaves, so I hurry over to help Asmodeus up. He drops his illusion while Landon lifts the ball up enough he can crawl out, where I help him to his feet.
“Landon nearly murdered me,” he says as he holds his arms out, like he wants a hug. I hesitate, unsure of what to do with this, before deciding that maybe a hug doesn’t hurt and giving him one. It’s not like I know much about the fine art of hugging either.
He beams at me and my face immediately ignites, but he’s holding on so tightly, I can’t run away. So there I am, holding Asmodeus while Landon holds a giant ball of yarn with his mind.
“Well… I think that’s a wrap. We should head home,” Asmodeus declares while seeming determined not to let me go.