Chapter 28 #2
“I can’t get up to tell him,” I say as I sink down onto the bathroom floor, begging for the sickness to leave me.
“I’ll call him up here so you can tell him.”
Otto leaves and a few minutes later, he returns with my father and mother in tow.
“I went back to the clinic and it worked this time. My power is gone,” I announce as I look up at the man towering over me.
“You think that’s going to fix everything? The damage is already done,” he snaps.
“But… it’s what you wanted.”
“No, what I wanted was for you to have been born normal.”
“I see,” I say.
“Otto, don’t you have a date tonight?” Mother asks, like she’s not fazed by anything happening before her. “You should get ready. She’s such a lovely girl.”
“I didn’t realize it was that late,” Otto responds as he turns from me with Mother and Father, and I’m left watching them walk away. The door shuts and I’m locked into a prison of solitude.
Of course I’m alone, because I destroyed the only two people who really cared about me.
“No… no, no… El… Aspen… please, please come back,” I whisper. I try as hard as I can to call for them, but I can’t even feel them. A headache roars, and still, I beg for them. I curl up on the floor, sobbing and feeling more alone than I’ve ever been.
What have I done in my attempt to be liked by those monsters?
Days stretch into weeks as I stop going to school.
Instead, I fester in the solitude of my room.
Father yells at me like clockwork every day.
Mother ignores me and Otto gets caught up in his own life.
After a few weeks of that, Father starts dragging me to school himself and walking me inside while he tells me how embarrassing it is to have to walk me to class like I’m a toddler.
And that I’m blessed he has money to make my absences all go away.
But the moment he looks away, I go into the bathroom and hide until the final bell rings. There’s so much silence in my world, and I’d never realized how alone I could really feel. I feel like everyone is judging me and everyone hates me.
I debate running away like Aspen had suggested, and I get as far as going to some truck stop and finding a man who invites me into the cab of his semi with the promise of taking me away.
Once I’m sitting in his passenger seat, I think about the fact that he’s likely going to kill me and toss my body in a field somewhere. And then I wonder if my parents will go to my funeral if he does. If they do, surely, it’ll just be for show.
I break down and begin sobbing while the trucker looks confused and then concerned, and instead of hauling me off to kill me, he calls my home. Otto is the one who picks up, and the trucker tells him to come get me before some trucker that isn’t as nice as him gets hold of me.
Not wanting Otto to take me away, I stagger out of the semitruck and start looking for someone else.
Anyone else. I only have three hundred dollars, but I wave it at some strange man who’s been watching me since I walked up.
He sets a hand on my waist and begins pulling me into his car when my brother rushes over to us.
“Don’t fucking touch him. He is fifteen years old,” Otto snaps as he grabs my wrist. “I’ll call the police!”
“Hey, I was just giving him a ride. I don’t know what the fuck you thought I was going to do with him,” he says before he quickly gets in the car and drives off.
Otto whirls on me. “What the fuck is this?”
“I was going to go have sex with that guy in exchange for him driving me far away from here… that’s all that was.”
“Yeah? Were you? You were going to go have sex with a fifty-year-old man? You don’t know who the hell he is.”
“He already liked me more than my own family does,” I say with a laugh.
“What the hell are you talking about? I love you.”
“You left me. When I was lying on the bathroom floor needing someone, needing anyone… I literally killed the only people who cared about me to be a part of this family, and you all fucking walked away.”
“I didn’t… I had plans,” Otto says, looking guilty. “I… I had to go.”
“What about since that day?”
“I’ve been busy… you know I’ve been really busy.”
“You were all I needed, Otto. Just for that night, I needed at least one person to make it seem like I mattered, but I don’t deserve that, do I?
Father wishes I hadn’t even been born. Mother refuses to even look at me.
And now you’ve started to realize your life is better without me in it, so I’ll just go somewhere else.
I will make everyone’s life better if I’m not in it. ”
Otto grabs me in a hug. “No, no, no. Please. I need to have you in my life. I’m so sorry.
You’re right. I got wrapped up in everything they said because it was easier.
It was so much easier, and that’s not fair to you.
You mean the world to me. I would give it all up to make sure you were in my life, Ellison.
I would give up the fancy school, the money, their approval.
I’m so sorry. You’re right. I’ve been an awful brother these past few months.
But I’m going to be better. I’m going to be so much better.
Look at me. Promise me that you’ll trust me.
“The minute I graduate, I’m going to get an apartment and I’m taking you with me. You can go to a new school. Just a normal fucking school. You’re so smart, Ellison; you don’t need all of this. You can accomplish whatever you want. You don’t need them.”
It sounds so good that it seems unbelievable, but I need something to believe in. That’s when realization hits me. “Your entrance exams are today. You’re going to be late.”
“I care more about you.”
“No, no. You need to go. If you really are going to take me away, you need to go,” I say as I hurry him toward his car. “You might still make it.”
He speeds to the testing location while he talks about everything we’ll do when we get away from this place before he turns to me. “Are you sure you’re okay alone? You promise me you won’t leave?”
“I’ll be right here,” I assure him.
“Please.”
I nod. “I will.”
Otto runs to the testing center while I sit in the car and think about his promise to take me away. It’s the first time in so long that my thoughts haven’t involved hating myself.
If I went to a new school, could I make friends who don’t know anything about me? Could I go to school for anything I wanted?
But my daydreams are cut short when Otto walks out to the car before long. I can’t even look at him as he gets into the car because I’m so ashamed that he missed his exams because of me.
“It’s fine,” he says. “There are so many other schools out there. I explained to them why I was late, and they’re going to review it and might even let me retest later.”
I let out a shaky breath. “It’s always my fault. I’m over here playing the victim when it’s always been my fault.”
“It’s not your fault. Come on. Let’s… let’s go somewhere for a bit,” he says, and I know he doesn’t want to go home too early or Father will find out.
I follow him, but the euphoria I’d momentarily felt is gone.
Why did I have to ruin this for him? If I’d never gotten rid of my power, I wouldn’t be in this situation.
I miss them so much that it hurts.
When we walk inside, Father is waiting for us.
I wonder how Otto will lie to him when he asks how the exam goes, but before he can say anything, Father says, “I have a friend who works at the examination site. He’s on the board and listened to the reason why you think you deserve to do the test at a different time. ”
Otto looks down, but it’s not him that Father is looking at, it’s me.
“You weren’t happy fucking up your own life, you had to ruin your brother’s too?” he yells as he rushes for me.
“I didn’t mean to!” I say before Father grabs my shirt and screams in my face about how I’m not happy enough ruining their image, I wanted to take it out on Otto too.
“I didn’t! I didn’t want to! I just wanted to get away from you! I fucking hate you,” I shout. “I hate you so fucking much. You’ve destroyed my life.”
“Well, you’ve done a fantastic job trying to destroy mine,” he snaps. “You are a disgrace to this family. You no longer have a place in it.” He begins dragging me toward the door and because my feet don’t seem to work, I end up stumbling while he hauls me.
“That’s a bit much, don’t you think?” Mother asks.
“Stay out of it!” he barks as the grip on my shirt starts choking me. He’s screaming at Mother now and doesn’t seem to realize it while I claw at his hand, unable to take a breath. Is he going to kill me? I can’t breathe. I can’t… everything begins to grow dark.
Suddenly, Father slams back, and I’m finally free of his grip. I cough and gasp for breath, and Father looks up as El stands between us.
“You don’t fucking touch him,” El snarls.
Father charges past him. “You told me you got rid of them! You lied to me? Of course you did.”
He reaches for me again and I don’t see it until it’s too late.
…El swinging a stone bird my mother had sitting on the mantel at my father’s head.