Chapter 32
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
ELLISON
Everyone decides to crash at my place, even though I tell them that, besides Nolan, I want them far from me. Of course they don’t listen. They never do because they’re convinced they can help me and be here for me.
And here I am, just standing here staring at my suitcase some more as I question if I really should run.
Though Nolan and I practiced for a significant amount of time, he could never get it under forty-five seconds.
Of course, Asmodeus doesn’t seem concerned about that time at all, but a lot could happen in under a minute.
So I should just run… but why does running sound so fucking hard to do? For the first time in my life, I have people other than my illusions… this is what I’ve always wanted.
The door opens and Asmodeus steps in. He shuts the door behind him.
“I’ve tucked everyone in with their very own lucky dolls. The only one who complained is Nolan… I’m not quite sure why. Maybe he was just acting shy since it was his first lucky doll.”
He comes at me and slides his arms under mine and then picks me right off the ground. One hand grabs my ass and the other wraps around my back while he carries me over to the bed.
“Why?”
“I must tuck you in as well,” he says as he flops down on the bed with me in his arms. He tucks my head against his chest, refusing to let me remove it. “I like it when you motorboat me.”
“That’s not what’s happening here.”
“Are you sure? Because it could be.”
“Positive.”
“How disappointing.”
“You’ve been sleeping better?” I ask.
“I still have dreams of them… and sometimes when I let my mind wander, I can hear their hatred, but it’s been better because I know that when I wake up, I’m not going to be alone with my thoughts,” he says. “And I’m going to have my husband beside me.”
I wrap my arm around him and squeeze him. “I really think you skipped the dating manual and went straight to married life.”
“There’s a manual?” he asks. “I find it sexy that you read the manual.”
“I didn’t… it was… I was joking!”
“I fear you’re not. Tell me, my dear, what comes after sex? A baby, right?”
“Not if the condom was on right.”
“Ah damn,” he teases. “I wanted a little hellspawn to raise with you.”
“We can’t even take care of ourselves, good lord, we’re not taking care of any children.”
“That’s a defeatist attitude. I’ve actually taken care of many children before. Where I’m from, parents didn’t raise the children, you see? And because I was the highest ranking, I was given the very important duty of teaching them how to shoot people.”
“We’ll pretend that’s not concerning.”
“And how to shiv someone.”
“Also that.”
“And how to hide a body. Which means… if you’d like anyone to disappear… simply say the name,” Asmodeus whispers into my ear. And it’s odd because it’s like a sexy whisper but the context sure as fuck isn’t sexy in the slightest!
“No! I don’t want you to go kill people for me or something!”
“Well, don’t let anyone else do it if you ever want to, you hear me?”
“I’m not asking you or anyone else to murder someone for me.”
“Just keep it in mind… you have my number.”
“I do.”
I’m quiet for a minute before asking a question that’s been at the top of my mind.
“Were you okay… seeing her?” I ask.
“Lilith?”
“Yeah. I know you said it made you feel better… but I was afraid I fucked something up… I rushed you.”
His fingers press into my sides. “It wasn’t rushed at all. I needed to be pulled out of the hell that’s my mind.”
“You act like nothing bothers you. You have this whole…” I pause, not even sure how to explain it, “life… that you suffered through and still, you act like it’s okay. How do you not let it destroy you?”
Asmodeus is silent for a long moment. “I think you give me more credit than I deserve. Ellison… you know how people cut themselves off from things that hurt them? Do you know what that feels like?”
“Yes. After my brother died, I felt like I became a husk.”
“I was caught up in an environment where that’s the only way I was allowed to live.
I did things without question, as I’d been raised to do my entire life.
I’m not a good person, Ellison. But I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life, and I would destroy the world to keep you safe…
so please… let me help you. You said that you think that I act like everything is fine, but that’s because being around you and the others has shown me what it means to care…
and made me realize that I don’t regret a single thing I did. ”
“I’m sorry for everything you went through,” I say.
“Do I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to have a family that cared for me since I was born? Maybe… but I’m so happy right now that it’s been a long time since I even thought of it.”
“How? How can you just… I feel like I’m a wreck… and I didn’t even go through the hell you did.”
“Your pain is your own. You can’t compare stories and decide that you shouldn’t hurt because someone else experienced something different.
That’s not why I said what I did. I just wanted you to know that I am happiest right here with you, no matter what comes for me.
And I’m not afraid of going to the darkest depths to keep you safe.
Now do you want to talk to me about your life? About what you’re feeling?”
My fingers dig into his shirt. As I lay in bed all of those nights just wanting someone… anyone… I started to believe I’d never have it. And as I got older, I stopped looking for it. I decided my father was right, that I wasn’t worth being loved.
I feel weight behind me, and I turn my head to see Aspen crawling in behind me before hugging me.
I took those who comforted me for granted.
I tried to destroy them, and I’m not sure I’ve ever forgiven myself for that…
or for Otto’s death. That part of my mind that my father had hammered into me is convinced the only reason Aspen even hangs around me is because he’s a part of me, because he can’t escape me.
But then why does he show up during times like this?
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
“You better be sorry,” Aspen says. “I got him all hot and bothered and you made me leave.”
“No! Not that. I… don’t want to talk tonight. Let’s just… go to sleep.”
“I don’t exactly sleep. I’m a part of your mind. You do all of the sleeping for us,” Aspen reminds me.
“Neither of us are going anywhere,” Asmodeus says. “Not now… not ever. I will haunt you to hell and back.”
“Your handsome devil might be a bit strange and he might be convincing you all to join a cult with him, but I’m here for it.” Aspen looks at Asmodeus. “I’ll be your first member.”
“Thanks, man, that means a lot to me.”
“You two are meant for each other,” I tease.
“Nah, we’re clearly both meant for you,” Asmodeus says, and I hesitate.
“I like that.”
“Yeah? I can say more sappy shit if you’d like. Let’s see… I will sacrifice the blood of a human or two to spend another moment with you.”
“Let’s just put a pause on that.”
Just like the blanket El wrapped me up in that night, I feel the comfort of them wrapped around me.
I close my eyes and drift off into the peaceful darkness.
When I wake, it’s because I can sense him in the room. I didn’t even know I’d fallen asleep, probably because I’d somehow felt so at peace.
Panic hits me and all signs of sleep disappear from me as I see a shadow at the other end of the room.
“Go away!” I snap. “Get out of my fucking life. You want to take everything good that’s ever happened to me away from me. You will not fucking touch him.”
“Stop,” Asmodeus says as he pulls me back, and I realize that he’d already been awake. “Shh… It’s fine. Go back to sleep.”
“I’m not going back to sleep when that—” I hit the light and see that he’s gone. Relief washes over me. Had he been planning on striking before I woke up and scared him off?
“It’s okay,” Asmodeus says. “He wasn’t going to do anything.”
“He wasn’t going to do anything? He came in here while we were asleep because he was going to attack you.”
“Shhh, no he wasn’t.”
I jerk away from him, pissed that he isn’t taking this seriously. I flick the edge of his shirt like he might not remember that the man had been planning on stabbing him. “Are you serious? Why are you not taking him seriously?”
“I am, I just believe that he’s not going to hurt me—”
“Why won’t you believe me?” I ask.
“He is a part of you, Ellison. I believe you would never hurt me,” Asmodeus says.
“He is not a part of me. He’s a fucking parasite that is insistent on destroying my life.”
Aspen’s grip tightens on me.
“Just…” I pull away from him and get up. “I need a minute.”
I head to the bathroom and splash water on my face. Honestly, I want to hide in here for a bit, but I can’t when they’re out there and El could return.
I climb back in bed but as soon as either of them try to talk to me, I pretend to be asleep. They both know I’m not, but they give me space and let me pretend. And being able to pretend while wrapped up in Asmodeus’s arms calms me down.