Chapter 12 #2
A quick glance around the dining room confirmed no one I recognized from the Hammerheads’ organization was anywhere near us.
My brain knew that no one from the team would be in the flipping Tim Horton’s next to the arena on one of our very precious off days. Most of the guys were sleeping off the hellish practices that we’d been enduring for weeks.
Coach Wilder was nothing if not a taskmaster, determined to get all of his players in the best position to be called up to the NHL.
“I was just so fucking embarrassed! I couldn’t make myself type out the text,” I admitted.
“God knows you’re allergic to picking up the damn phone.” Kait’s eye roll alluded to what she thought of as my near-clinical loathing for phone calls. “It’s not like you’d call me and tell me if something was wrong. But, I’m here now. So spill it.”
“Ugh, fine. We were supposed to be watching some tape after hours. He’d noticed I’d been struggling with a couple of the drills and practices.
He found me one day after a particularly humiliating effort on the ice and offered to go through tape with me, just one on one, thinking that it might help me to work without the rest of the offense around us. ”
“Wait. He asked to see you after hours? Did he make you uncomfortable in some way? Because you can say ‘no’ to absolutely anything that feels wrong.”
I opened my mouth to say that the only reason my parents could afford their mortgage and groceries was because of the salary I was making with the Hammerheads.
And that fact meant there were a lot of things I couldn’t say no to. But I took her point. Safety and consent were essential in every interaction.
Ash had never put me in a position where I’d felt anything but comfortable and in control. Shy, yes, but still comfortable.
“Don’t even start with that obligation to Frank-fuckhead-Kelly bullshit.”
Her gaze remained fierce. The hand that had left the table was now gripping the edge of it with her fingertips, as if it were the only thing keeping her from jumping up and going to give Ash’s non-existent slight a piece of her mind.
“No, no, no. Kait, listen, he’s amazing! He said that I shouldn’t feel bad. I shouldn’t pressure myself to the point where I think I’m not improving. He wanted to give me every opportunity to take my game to the next level.”
“As if you even want to fucking be here in the first place. Goddamn Frank Kelly making his son clean up his messes,” she muttered.
Her voice was so low, I could barely hear it. I didn’t know if she realized that she’d spoken the words out loud. Not that I hadn’t heard them from her a thousand times over all the years of our friendship.
Choosing not to get into talking shit about my dad, which would lead us nowhere, I ignored the jab. Experience had taught me that opening old wounds was the fastest route to chronic, gnawing stomach pain and exhaustion that took weeks to shake.
I couldn’t stand the idea of her thinking poorly of Ash. He had done nothing wrong. It was me, all me. I’d made things weird.
“So, what happened is we ended up in his office super late in the afternoon to go over the tape. It was just so fucking boring watching the same plays over and over again, as if something new was going to click for me. When it didn’t, Ash didn’t call me out on it, he just continued to analyze the plays in a calm tone, not forcing me to offer any observations. ”
“Okay, so he was, like, being friendly, trying to make you feel comfortable. I’m not clear on the problem here unless he did something inappropriate to you?”
“No, nothing like that. He was perfect. It’s just that I’ve been so tired with all the extra practice.
I fell asleep on his goddamn shoulder and didn’t even have the courtesy to wake up.
He just let the video play out on his laptop and scrolled on his phone while I slept.
He eventually had to shake me awake to kick me out of his office. ”
My stomach dropped through the floor in memory of how embarrassed I’d been when I realized I didn’t want to move from the heat of his shoulder. My nerve endings lit up throughout my belly and my lower abdomen at the thought of being back on that couch again with Ash.
“Caden, listen, I really don’t think this is all that bad. You’re human. You’re not a machine. There’s no way he thinks poorly of you just because you fell asleep. Has he been weird since?”
I wished I could tell her that Asher’s behavior had changed toward me, but nothing had changed. He was just the same friendly, warm person that he’d been since the day we met. He was encouraging and just as committed to my success as he was to the rest of the offensive line.
Something about that thought made a sour feeling form in my stomach. How could he be acting the same way toward me when I felt like everything had irrevocably changed?
“I don’t know,” I said. “I just can’t get over it. It’s like my brain forgets for a second. Then I go back to that moment. It’s as if I’m reliving it in my mind over and over again. I can’t figure out why I’m so embarrassed or why it matters so much that I can’t let it go.”
“Caden.” She hesitated, and the hand that had gripped the table came to rest on both of my hands.
I’d been wringing them as I explained the situation.
“I kind of don’t want to say this out loud because I don’t want to upset you more than you already are.
But, do you realize you sound exactly like you did when you used to talk to me when something was going wrong with Andrea? ”
Kait’s expression remained open and kind, gently urging me to form my own conclusion from her question about my ex-girlfriend.
I opened and shut my mouth to argue with her.
Sure, I’d confessed to her that I’d possibly felt some attraction to guys in during grade twelve.
But I hadn’t ever dared to try to figure that hidden part of myself out and Kait would never force that kind of conversation.
Four years later, those hints of interest toward a classmate were just hazy memories that barely felt real.
Everything with Ash was like holding a live wire in my bare hands.
There was no way in hell this was anything like what I went through with my ex. It’s true that I couldn’t remember ever being as consumed with confusion or worried over a situation as I was now. But it wasn’t like I was in any kind of relationship with him.
“No, it’s nothing like that. I mean, we’re not dating. He’s my coach for fuck’s sake! I would never. I haven’t ever. . .I don’t. . .” I stuttered and then stopped.
“Is it because he’s a guy?” Her volume had dropped by half, her slight frame tense.
“God, no!” For once in my life, I hoped that the horror of what I was feeling inside actually showed on my face.
The area we’d grown up in was pretty conservative, and Kait had gone through a lot to understand her sexuality while we were teens. Things were changing, but I knew the main driving force behind Kait and her partner wanting to move to the city was to find a better sense of community and acceptance.
Did she not know that I’d been one hundred percent in her corner since the day we’d met? Kait knew me better than that, didn’t she?
“You don’t think. . .” I trailed off. “You can’t possibly think I’d have a problem with having feelings for a guy after all these years? After what I told you in grade twelve?”
“I know you’re super supportive of Macie and me.
We’re family.” Her smile was fond as her shoulders visibly relaxed.
"But we’ve never talked about how you feel about your own sexuality.
It was a long time ago. Every year since we graduated has felt like a decade.
A lot can change in a short time. You dated Andrea for two years, and never mentioned anything about guys, even in passing.
I thought maybe you’d discovered you weren’t attracted to men after all? ”
“The way you feel about Macie is something I’ve never felt for anyone.
” I struggled to keep the anxiety crawling up my spine out of my tone.
“I’m not sure I can feel that way about someone.
And if I could, I would welcome it so I could stop feeling like I’m on the outside of things that everyone else seems to understand and want. ”
How could I feel anything when my chest was in a vise grip of expectations obligations every fucking day. When would I have had the time to explore any romantic feelings for anyone? Most of the year, I spent half my time away from whatever city I lived in.
The cherry on top of my lackluster love life was being so introverted that it was painful to even make small talk with my roommates. If my skin prickled being in the kitchen with Hawkins or Kovac, how could I manage the crowds of strangers in bars or clubs?
“Okay, let’s drop the relationship talk for now.
I don’t want to overstep or push you to talk about things that aren’t even on your radar.
But just hear me out. . . What if you just took away the panic and the sting of believing you embarrassed yourself in front of your hero?
I’m not downplaying how it feels to you, but, maybe, for Asher, it’s not even on his radar anymore?
” Kait spoke quietly, as if she wanted to soften the blow.
The thud of my shoulder blades hitting the hard plastic of the chair belied my inner reaction to her suggestion.
There hadn’t been a moment since I’d bolted out of Ash’s office like my ass was on fire, where I considered that he wasn’t still thinking about that time spent on his couch.
Here I’d been, ducking conversations, inside and outside of training, disappearing as soon as we were dismissed. Basically, not putting one unnecessary ounce of effort into my game.
Shit. Maybe Ash wasn’t thinking about me at all.
Kait’s suggestion should have made me feel relieved.
So, why did the idea make my stomach sink even further?
“And Caden,” she continued, before I could even begin to formulate an answer to that question. “How does it feel in here. . .” She tapped the left side of her chest. “If you say to yourself that you might be attracted to Asher?”
Right, my heart thumped harder at the suggestion.
It felt right to slide into the heady idea of being in Ash’s company for as long as I wanted and with no hockey talk.