Chapter 18
eighteen
CADEN
Ispent the ride to whatever hotel Ash had booked for us in silence.
Simultaneously grateful and ashamed, I tried to process Ash witnessing the way my dad spoke to me.
A single moment with my dad could cause me hours of dread and self-hatred. But Ash had no doubt spent half an hour listening to a Frank Kelly Ego Special.
My dad couldn’t stand people who did better than him in life. He scraped by with the least amount of civility while waiting to unleash a tirade of insults behind their back.
God, what insulting things disguised as compliments had he said to Ash’s face?
His anger always translated into him telling me all the ways I’d never lived up to his expectations, despite being his little hockey puppet since a coach told him I had potential years ago.
Here I was, once again sitting in the passenger seat of Ash’s Jeep, still quiet but wide awake and trying to think of the right words to thank him for his help while avoiding bringing up the obvious issues with my dad.
How much of my dad’s vitriol aimed at me did he overhear? Did he regret offering to help me now that he’d been forced into the role of mediator in my fucked-up family?
I couldn’t imagine a world where a guy who made millions of dollars a year playing the game he loved would want anything to do with some rookie’s life drama.
My peripheral vision allowed me to see the motion of Ash’s head turning toward me as I stared at my clenched hands in my lap. The feel of his lingering gaze had anticipation building in my gut, hoping that he would be the one to break the silence between us.
But no. Other than when he’d asked me if I was able to talk to my mom after I met him back in the parking lot, he hadn’t spoken since throwing out that he’d drive us to a hotel to rest.
He must have been exhausted, running on no sleep and two cups of hospital coffee.
When we got to the hotel, we would part ways until it was time to go back to Lakeside. Maybe he’d be too out of it to wonder why I couldn’t produce a single word.
“Hey, Cade, we’re here,” he spoke softly as he made a right turn into a parking spot at an upscale hotel that I would never be able to afford. The probable cost of this room would be adding another building block to the tower of things I had to feel guilty about.
“Oh shit! I’m sorry. Hold on just a sec.
” Suddenly remembering something, I grabbed and unlocked my phone, swiping to the app I’d designed to hold all of Mom’s medical records.
When I’d popped in to see her, she asked me to email her most recent labs to the nurses’ station so they could add them to her chart.
Copying and pasting the email address into the share portion of the app, I selected the PDFs I needed and forwarded them on.
“Everything okay?”
“Oh, um, sure. Just had to send some of my mom’s medical files for her chart before surgery.”
I set my phone back on my thigh.
“Wow. That’s amazing. You keep track of her records for her? Like, you get the reports and store them in a folder?”
Would it really hurt to tell him about the app? I doubted he’d care.
“Yeah, so, I actually made an app that makes it possible to centralize all the tests, appointments, and results from different doctors via one automated email address.”
“I’m sorry. Did you just say you wrote a fucking app? Like, on a computer, sat down and coded something that now works on your iPhone?” Ash’s gaze darted around my face, as if leaning that I could code was a big deal.
I shrugged. “It’s not a big deal. It’s just something I’ve always played around with, and I’ve got a knack for it.”
“Cade, fuck, I’d say it’s a pretty big deal! That’s amazing. Did you ever consider going to school for it? You were drafted in grade twelve, right?”
It was hard to absorb any of his praise as the thousands of small needles dug deep into the marrow of my bones. God, did I want to do something with coding? More than anything.
But I was sitting in my AHL assistant coach’s car, so I couldn’t very well admit anything that implied I didn’t want to be playing hockey.
Pulling both hands through my hair, I tried to force the phantom pain from my body. I wanted to drop this line of conversation, but Ash was waiting for my answer, and I couldn’t disappoint him.
“Yeah. I thought about it a bit,” I shrugged. “But going to university for software engineering wasn’t exactly compatible with my OHL hockey schedule, you know? So, I was lucky when one of my mom’s doctors mentioned my app to a medical company rep, and they bought fifty percent ownership.”
“Wow. I hope you know how incredibly talented you are, Cade. I don’t know any hockey player who has the dedication to play at the semi-pro level and go after an interest the way you have. I hope you continue to find time for coding.”
“Sure, maybe,” I replied vaguely, not wanting to outright lie. “Ready to go in?”
Ash pressed his lips together like he was about to say something more but chose a clipped nod instead.
He didn’t say anything else as we got out of the car and walked into the lobby. Since we’d left at the last minute, all we had was a small duffel each.
I moved to the side of the lobby where the elevators were, letting Ash handle check-in.
Selfishly, I wanted to extend my ignorance about the price of the rooms he’d booked even a few minutes longer. My grocery budget was going to suck for the next month or so, once I paid him back for this room and the gas for the drive up.
Thank god for the team meetings that Coach Wilder had catered, or I’d never see a hint of protein that wasn’t the processed frozen garbage that was my normal fare.
My duffel sat limply against my back, reminding me I wasn’t where I was supposed to be right now. It felt strange not to be lugging hockey gear to and from the team bus.
I’d never stayed in a hotel room that wasn’t related to a hockey game. Even so, this wasn’t a vacation either. It was about two guys desperate for some sleep while I waited to hear from my mom after her operation.
A glance at my phone screen showed that Mom should be out of surgery within the hour. I’d asked the nurses at the main ER desk to make a note for someone to call me post-surgery. Hopefully, that message had been passed along because it would never cross my dad’s mind to keep me updated.
Frank Kelly only wanted me to care about the things that he believed were important. He found a way to belittle and shame everything else to the point where I’d had to bury all the real things that made me who I was.
I was so practiced at pretending to be controlled all the time that I now found it harder to access any part of myself that was authentic when I was with people I loved.
Kait was good about calling me out when I’d sunk too deep into the numbness that stemmed from growing up with a piece of shit father like mine.
As for Mom, she’d overheard some of the comments Dad made to me over the years, but her illness took precedence over anything I was going through.
Not that she ever said anything of the sort, but I’d never wanted to hurt her with the truth of how Dad treated me when she was already struggling with MS.
Money had always been so tight that I didn’t want her to have to decide between the care she needed, which sometimes came through whatever job Dad could hold down at the time, and the obligation to leave him if she knew about the handful of times he’d smacked me around over the years.
Ash approached the desk and offered the receptionist a warm smile that had the edge of something ugly growing in my chest. There was no way in hell I would ever admit I was jealous that he shared some of that addictive spark he carried around with a random stranger.
And I definitely wouldn’t admit that I wished I were the one who made him smile the most.
You’re being ridiculous. Besides Coach Wilder, Ash is your boss. Maybe you’re something adjacent to friendly at best. You don’t have any claim on any part of him.
After thanking the receptionist, Ash strode purposefully toward where I stood next to the elevators.
He had his professional hockey player face on, not showing a hint of the exhaustion he must be feeling.
Pressing the button to call the elevator, he turned his head in my direction.
His gaze roved over my face, a slow perusal that dimmed the irrational envy I’d felt when he’d interacted with the woman. She still looked like she was trying very hard not to gawk at the superstar across the room.
If I’d felt even an iota of generosity toward her, I’d sympathize—Ash was impossible to look away from.
Ash opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by the ding of the elevator and its doors opening.
He waved me in ahead of him, pressing the button for the fourth floor before moving to lean against the back wall next to me.
Even with six inches or so between us, I could feel the heat of his body seeping through the thin, ratty fabric of my hoodie. My skin erupted in goosebumps along my arms and down my chest, the skin over my pecs and abs tightening enough to cause a slight jolt to my system.
I wasn’t going to think about the warm, salty smell of his skin and the hint of icy mint, which might be the remnants of his body wash from his last shower.
“We’re on the fourth floor.” He spoke more softly than usual, but the sound of his voice surrounded me in the enclosed space.
I hummed an affirmative noise accompanied by a bob of my head, even though I’d just watched him press the button for that floor.
Ash cleared his throat before continuing, reaching up to adjust his baseball cap.
“So, the thing is, there’s some massive junior dance competition in town right now.
Everything nearby is completely booked up.
They only had one double room available.
” He angled his body so that he could face me fully, but my nerves kept me rooted in place, facing the closed metal doors before us.
“Is that going to be okay? If not, I understand. We can just head back to Lakeside now. I don’t want you doing anything that makes you uncomfortable, especially when you’re worried about your mom. . .”
And your dad just reamed you out like you killed someone, rather than only missing one fucking AHL hockey game, I filled in the end of his sentence in my mind. We’d only left the hospital less than forty minutes ago, so it wasn’t as if he could have forgotten the whole scene he’d witnessed.
Excess saliva pooled in my mouth from nerves as I listened, causing me to nearly choke in surprise before covering it with the loudest swallow of my life.
Very smooth, Kelly.
“No!” I blurted out before realizing what I was implying.
My single word hit Ash like a blow, causing his body to rock back slightly on one foot, as if he was poised to move to the opposite wall to get away from me.
“Shit, I’m sorry,” I rushed on. “I mean yes, it’s completely fine. There’s no way we should be driving with so little sleep. Especially you, Ash. What I meant to say was, no, I’m not uncomfortable at all. In any way. We’re good.”
Ash’s shoulders relaxed, and he offered me a tired smile.
I concentrated on slowing my breathing so my body would reflect my words.
None of the reasons why I felt shaky and uncertain had anything to do with Ash making me feel unsafe. The exact opposite was happening. Each moment in his presence drew me closer to him.
But that wasn’t his problem to deal with.
Forcing myself through the weirdness of sharing an intimate space with Ash, I’d opted to take the first shower while he ordered some room service.
In the tight corridor of the room’s entry, I’d realized that I hadn’t showered since after practice the day before, and the thought of being gross in Ash’s presence made my skin itch.
Worries swirled in my stomach as I hurriedly scrubbed my body and hair with the lemon-scented soap provided in the hotel bathroom.
What would Ash think of me now that he knew more about my home life? Would he see how pathetic I was and stop wanting to be around me?
I rubbed harder on my chest and abs, the body wash and water barely protecting my skin from being flayed by the friction.
I hadn’t realized how much I’d come to rely on Ash being there for me, not just as the offensive coach for the Hammerheads, but because of how secure I felt in his company.
He’d gone out of his way to welcome and encourage me from the very first time that we met.
And now, there was a possibility I could lose all that.
I wasn’t the person he thought I was. I was a guy too weak to stand up to his own father, even in a medical emergency.
It didn’t matter that I’d grown a few inches taller than my dad a few years ago. I’d spent my whole life tiptoeing around the things that would make him lash out.
The unending vigilance of trying to anticipate any situation that could result in him taking his anger out on me meant that I didn’t have any defenses when he came at me with his vitriolic words or his fists.
Living this way was fucking exhausting.
Pressure built behind my eyes as I stepped out of the massive shower cubicle, grabbing a towel from the perfectly rolled set on one end of the white granite bathroom counter.
The plush softness of the towel sliding over my skin as I rubbed myself dry was another reminder that a whole world of experiences separated me from someone on Ash’s level.
I wished there was a way to escape seeing the judgment or pity in Ash’s eyes when I went back out to the bedroom, knowing as soon as I stepped out of this steam-filled bathroom, things were going to change between us.