Chapter 19
nineteen
CADEN
Unable to delay facing Ash without faking some kind of illness, I turned the handle on the bathroom door.
Even though I wanted to jump into bed and hide under the covers rather than make eye contact with him, I vowed to face his reaction head-on.
I forced my gaze to latch on to his form, where he was sprawled against the headboard of one of the queen beds, a leg bent up to balance the way he leaned on one side of his body.
The motion of my steps had his gaze snapping to mine in the otherwise silent room.
A half-pained chuckle came out of my chest as I stood before him, holding my bundle of dirty clothes under one arm.
“It’s all yours.” I gestured toward the bathroom with my free hand, wishing like hell I’d thought to take the boxers and T-shirt I’d thrown in my duffel into the bathroom with me.
When he didn’t immediately stand and go into the bathroom, I sank down on the edge of my bed with the multitude of pillows that sat just behind me. I let my chin fall toward my chest, looking down at my bare knees now exposed by the towel riding up as I moved back onto the bed.
I’d thought another thing I’d become numb to was showering and changing around other hockey players, but being alone in the quiet cocoon of this hotel room with Ash made me very aware of my bare skin under the towel.
“Cade, is there something wrong with the shower? Do I need to call someone to come fix it?”
I didn’t look up from where my right hand held the edge of my towel in a death grip, making sure it didn’t fall open by accident.
What was he talking about with the shower? Not understanding his questions, I hesitated.
He waited only a second for my reply before clarifying.
“Your skin. Is it irritated from the water being too hot?”
The genuine concern in Ash’s voice had me looking across the small space that separated our beds before glancing down at my chest and abdomen.
Sure enough, my pale, freckled skin was bright pink from my aggressive scrubbing in the shower.
“Ah, yeah. It’s nothing. It’s a redhead thing, you know. My skin shows everything.” As if on cue, my ears warmed under his watchful eyes.
“If you’re sure. . .” he said, drawing out the words. Clearly, he wasn’t convinced but let it drop. “Room service should be here within fifteen minutes. I hope you’re hungry because I definitely ordered too much.”
“No worries. I’ll keep an ear out while you. . .” I waved at the bathroom again, not able to talk about Ash being naked in the shower while I sat practically naked on the bed in front of him.
I didn’t mention that I wasn’t sure if I could eat because my stomach was so tied up in knots over how he saw me now.
He nodded and headed into the bathroom.
As soon as the door clicked shut, I reached down to the end of the bed and pulled my boxer-briefs out of my duffel.
I stood, dropping my towel on the bed, and quickly slipped them on before stepping around to the end of the bed to dig through my bag for the clean t-shirt.
Bent over my bag, the click of the bathroom door opening suddenly had my gaze whipping in that direction.
Ash reappeared in the bedroom, this time shirtless, with the top button of his jeans undone.
“Just gotta grab my stuff,” he said as he mirrored my position at the end of his bed, digging through his own bag.
I froze at the sight of his exposed skin, my gaze locked on his upper body like I could memorize every dip and curve of muscle.
I couldn’t stop my eyes from devouring how toned and virile he looked. He easily had twenty pounds of well-earned muscle on me, and it was stunning in its perfection.
His biceps and shoulders flexed sinuously as he rifled through his belongings. His abs were a clearly defined six-pack, straining as he bent over.
My face heated as I traced the trail of dark hair that ran below his belly button into the top of his gray boxer-briefs, left exposed by his undone jeans.
Does his dick match the rest of him in size? That one look hadn’t been long enough to tell.
The stray thought had an electric current zinging through my veins, and my own dick thickening in response.
No, no! Now was not the time for my body to wake up and consider its attraction to a guy for the first time in years. Things were already a mess. Think of anything else other than Ash out of those clothes, naked, and looking back at you with the same intent swirling around inside you right now.
I kept myself from making any sounds that would betray my voyeuristic thoughts, but I couldn’t stop my goddamn skin from flushing from my chest upward.
Just as my face reached the pinnacle of heat from embarrassment, Ash straightened, glancing over at me.
Instead of walking in the direction of the bathroom with his clothes in his hand, he left them in a small heap on the end of the bed and took several steps toward me until we stood a foot apart.
“Cade, are you okay?” His assessing eyes scanned the hot skin of my face, looking for answers.
Thankfully, his perusal stopped before he caught a glimpse of my lower half. My dick was still making its presence known.
All the things I couldn’t say rushed through my mind: how much he meant to me; how he made me feel important in ways that no one ever had before; how I hated that nothing was going to be the same after this because he was going to distance himself from the rookie with too much drama going on in his life.
I couldn’t let those words escape.
My baser instincts took control of my body. I took a step forward, bringing us within an inch of our skin making contact. I could almost feel the scrape of his smattering of chest hair against mine.
“Cade, what. . .” Ash didn’t finish the sentence as I reached up to touch the scruff on his jaw, stopping my hand just before making contact with his face.
“Can I?” I whispered. I didn’t even know what I was asking for.
All I knew in this moment was that I wanted to touch Ash just once. To feel fully surrounded by the intoxicating warmth he gave off. To move toward that comfort instead of away from it, like I had the day I’d woken up on his shoulder in his office.
I’d been busy staring at his lips so I couldn’t tell if I’d spoken loud enough for him to hear me. After watching him lick his full lower lip, I chanced a quick glance up at his eyes, hoping I wouldn’t anger at my reckless behavior.
Even if he wasn’t attracted to me in return, I knew that Ash was the type of man that I was safe with. He would never hurt me on purpose.
The inch or so difference in our height gave me the perfect vantage point to catalog the richness of his deep brown eyes, his pupils large in the low light of the room, as I waited for his reaction.
In response to my request, he brought his own hand up to mine, which still hung suspended near his jaw, pressing so that my palm cradled his cheek.
The sensation of his two-day-old stubble on my palm and fingers sent delicious prickles of sensation up my arm, causing it to tremble.
Before I knew it, my hand slid along his defined jaw, brushing his ear and through the hair at the nape of his neck, letting its thick waves tickle the skin between my fingers.
I lifted my left arm to wrap around his shoulder and set my foot between where his stood on the floor, bringing our bodies flush together.
“Oh god,” I rasped, shoving my face into his neck. The scent of the skin where it met his shoulder was so concentrated that I felt as if I took Ash into my very cells as I breathed him in.
He hadn’t moved since I put my arms around him, standing stock-still as I clung to him like a life raft.
I was probably making him so uncomfortable. He’d offered me a small amount of comfort when I sought connection, and I’d taken advantage of his kindness.
But just as I readied myself to let go, Ash’s thickly corded arms reached around my waist, one hand settling between my shoulder blades and the other resting on my lower back before pulling me more fully into his body.
“Cade, it’s okay.” He spoke softly into my ear, his breath ghosting across my skin.
A full-body shudder racked me in response, but he just held me tighter. The sureness of his hold helped ease my frayed nerves.
Shifting slightly, I angled my head so that my lips rested against the skin of his neck.
Gathering all the courage I had, I choked out a “thank you” before pressing my lips against Ash’s warm skin in a soft kiss.
And if I let the tip of my tongue peek out between my lips for a quick taste of his skin, who would blame me when he smelled so damn good?
Ash’s body went instantly tense at the pressure of my lips on his skin.
My breath caught in my throat, afraid that I’d made the biggest mistake of my life. I was paralyzed with horror that I’d done something Ash would hate me for.
Keeping my eyes downcast, I began to pull away slowly, trying to come up with the right words to apologize for taking things too far.
Instead of releasing me in turn, Ash tightened his arms around me, eliminating the small distance I’d created between our bodies.
“Cade. . .” he groaned.
Gone was his gentle tone of voice, now replaced by a grittier sound from deep in his throat.
I sagged in his arms, letting the relief wash over me.
Feeling brave, I raised my head to pull back enough so I could meet Ash’s gaze.
If I thought I could face the expression on his face, I’d been so wrong.
Ash looked back at me with an intensity I’d never seen in him before.
His eyes were filled with unfiltered heat focused solely on me. I’d never been looked at with someone’s full attention before, as if he was determined to memorize my every feeling and reaction.
Ash’s shoulders rose and fell with his breaths, quickening the longer our eyes stayed locked on each other. The expansion and contraction of his torso under my arms heightened the anticipation inside me.
Forget butterflies, I had velociraptors in my stomach.
His tongue swiped out to lick his lips, giving them a rosy shine that emphasized their plushness. My instincts told me to close the distance between our mouths to see what they would feel like rubbing against mine.
But a sharp sliver of fear told me I was wrong to believe that Ash’s feelings mirrored mine. That he could want me as much as I felt pulled to him.
You’re insane. Nobody wants you. He doesn’t know what you’re really like. Once he finds out, he’ll ditch you so fast it’ll make your head spin.
That inner voice sliced me right open. The pain formed a lump in my throat that was hard to swallow around.
Shakily, I allowed some of the emotions raging inside me to show on my face, wanting more than anything for Ash to see how important this moment was to me.
But I couldn’t trust myself.
The voice had stolen the bravery I’d found to get myself into Ash’s arms, but I couldn’t take the last step without his help.
Whatever Ash read on my face prompted him to speak.
“Do you want me to kiss you, Cade baby?” he whispered.