Chapter 20
twenty
CADEN
Pulling in a desperate breath, I was stunned with pleasure as I absorbed his words.
The endearment coming from Ash had an electric current lighting up every cell in my body, as if I’d been asleep all the moments before he spoke and he’d found the key to open a portal of desire that I’d kept hidden, even from myself.
I wasn’t made to handle this much incredibleness at once. The buzz in my veins threatened to split me wide open.
I wanted to hear him call me “Cade baby” over and over on an endless loop.
Ash’s lips curved in a smile; he looked pleased.
Unable to speak because I wanted it so much, I managed a nod while holding his gaze, so he’d know I meant it.
“No,” I shook my head, secretly thrilled by the hint of a pout that formed on his lips. “I want to kiss you, Ash. Okay?
My question was met with a nod as he shifted his body against mine.
I instantly eliminated the few inches between our faces, taking his lips with my own. The pressure of his mouth was exquisite.
I barely had a chance to appreciate the softness of his lips before Ash pushed deeper into the kiss. His tongue flirted over the seam of my mouth, beckoning me to open.
I may have started the kiss, but Ash was feeding the fire between us.
Swamped with so many sensations at once, I only wanted to follow his lead.
I parted my lips, eager to experience the feel of our tongues gliding against each other.
Ash pressed his tongue forward to rub against mine with another rough moan that vibrated into my mouth. His reaction had me greedily seeking out more of his lips, teeth, and tongue.
In the rush of the kiss, I hadn’t noticed that my hands had moved to the back of his neck and into the long, dark brown waves of his hairline, until a tiny nip of his teeth on my lower lip had me tightening my grip on his hair.
The added sensation elicited another rumble in his chest, heightening my awareness of the friction of his chest hair brushing against my bare skin. Pressed together as we were, the vibrations felt like he was transferring the heat of his desire directly into my chest.
One of Ash’s hands skimmed from my lower back to grip my hip, his calloused thumb began stroking the sensitive skin near my hipbone, just above the waistband of my briefs.
I lit up like a thousand fireworks had been set off in my groin.
He applied more pressure to his hand so that the caress of his thumb turned into full-on stroking of my heated skin.
I shifted my lower body, wanting more of Ash’s hands touching me everywhere, and at the same time, overwhelmed by all of the pleasure my nerves were capable of taking in.
My movements had our pelvises pushed more firmly together, and I gasped when my barely covered dick rubbed up against the rock-hard length fighting to be released from his jeans.
“Ash, god. . .” I rasped, pulling back slightly, but not far enough to separate our mouths completely, causing me to speak the words directly onto his lips.
“Mmm, Cade baby,” he hummed.
The gravel in his voice sent another shiver through my pelvis, making my dick throb and my muscles ache to push, rub, or grab some part of him that I could pull into me to soothe the need ratcheting up inside me.
He claimed my lips for another consuming kiss, our combined rough stubble rubbing deliciously. The raw heat and prickling of my skin were a sharp contrast to the glide of our mouths.
Fuck. My dick pulsed with that nickname again. If I wasn’t careful, I was going to blow my load in my underwear.
But in the realization of how close I was to getting off, I must have hesitated because Ash broke the kiss.
I felt the change in him as he turned his head slightly to sever the connection between our mouths. The sudden lack of contact sent a shiver through me, as if I’d been submerged in an ice bath unexpectedly.
Oh my god. What just happened? Why did he stop like that?
He carefully brought both hands up from where they held my body up to rest on my cheeks, removing each hand fully before bringing them down to rest again.
Gone was the delicious slide of his hands, leaving my nerve endings sparking as his fingers trailed over my skin.
He took my face in his hands, mimicking the way he’d held me last night so that I would agree to him driving me up here.
Except this time, he used his hold to bring our foreheads together, not saying anything at first.
We stood there, both trying to bring our heaving breaths under control.
Ash closed his eyes, making it more difficult to figure out any clues as to what he was thinking. At least he hadn’t pushed me away and walked out the door.
Watching him walk away from me after that kiss would have been crushing.
The seconds ticked by like hours as I waited for him to tell me what brought our kiss to such an abrupt stop.
I sure as hell wasn’t going to be the first one to break the silence. I knew if I opened my mouth, I’d either apologize out of habit or say something that revealed the hurt that had started to seep in around the edges of the desire I felt for him.
If Ash told me it was a mistake, then I would deal with it. It would hurt like hell, but I’d dealt with so much pain, what was a little more?
Before I could go into a complete freakout spiral, Ash spoke.
“Cade, we shouldn’t do this,” he sighed. “We have to stop before things go too far. I can’t do this with you.”
“Why?” I croaked, hurt that I’d taken a chance on my instincts, only to be rebuffed.
“I care about you a lot. . .” He trailed off, letting go of me completely.
Instead, he gestured to our identical beds before moving to sit on the side of his bed that faced mine. He wrung his hands a couple of times before settling them on his knees.
His unsteadiness allowed me to relax enough to take the few steps and sit across from him.
Feeling extra vulnerable since I was just in my briefs, I grabbed one of the massive pillows on the bed. It covered the middle of my body like a shield, as if it could block out whatever discomfort was about to happen.
Now that the rush of the kiss had cooled off, Ash looked either sad or guilty. The reasons for either undoubtedly sucked and were definitely not things I wanted to hear. Unfortunately, he’d been awesome to me since the day we met, and the least I owed him was to hear him out.
“I’m going to lay it out for you, Cade.” He blew out a breath, as if preparing himself for what he had to say.
“There are a lot of reasons why that kiss shouldn’t have happened, but the most important is that you’re vulnerable right now, and I’m not the guy who’s going to hook up with you after you’ve been through a massive amount of emotional stress.
Your mom, the team, and. . .” He let the last item on his list hang in silence.
“My dad,” I finished for him.
Well fuck, we were being this honest with each other, I could admit my dad was an asshole under the polite terms Ash was using.
“Right. The second major problem is that I’m your coach, essentially the assistant to your boss.
It wouldn’t be ethical. I would never do anything to hurt your career, but I’m still in a position of power over you.
” He pressed his lips into a firm line. The concern on his face transformed into a darker emotion, deep lines furrowing his brow.
I took the moment to jump in as he seemed to be considering the problem that was Frank Kelly, and his position with the team. The difference was that I knew nothing would ever change with my dad.
Hooking up with Ash wouldn’t make him responsible for any part of my life.
My dad’s temper and my mom’s illness were my problems, not his.
I’d been handling things on my own for years.
Now I needed to figure out how honest I wanted to be about hockey.
“Are you saying I don’t know what I want?
Because I think I made that pretty clear a few minutes ago,” I tried to keep the disappointment out of my tone, flicking my hand to the now-empty space at the end of our beds.
“I’m a hundred percent sure that I can decide that for myself.
Not to mention, I know you would never do anything to jeopardize my career or my place on the team. ”
I angled my chin up slightly, not quite trying to look defiant, but I didn’t want him to think I couldn’t take care of myself either.
“Any day before this one, and I wouldn’t hesitate to agree with you. But we’re both running on little sleep and even less food. The hospital thing was not fun, to put it mildly. Hell, Cade, I’m stressed from all that went down, and I can’t imagine how you’re feeling.”
His hands moved up to swipe through his hair, holding the top part back for a second, before letting his hands drop again.
With the haze of my desire clearing, I could see that he was telling the truth.
“Okay, I understand that,” I replied, slightly mollified even if it wasn’t what I wanted to hear in the moment. I started to speak again to address some of his other points, but he quickly spoke over me.
“Let me finish, please, before you say anything? I have one other important reason, and I need you to promise to really hear this part. Then you can say your piece, okay?” His unwavering gaze locked onto mine.
I nodded. It was Ash, of course I would listen. Would I believe him? The tinge of sadness at being rejected and the knowledge of how good it felt to be pressed together made that seem like a tall order.
“The last reason we can’t go back to kissing or anything more is that I have real feelings for you, Cade.
This wouldn’t be anything close to a hookup for me.
I know I like men and women. I’m bi. I’ve never been one to announce my private life to the public.
In fact, I’m intensely private, not only about my sexuality, but about every part of my life.
About the only promise I’ve been able to keep to myself all these years is that the fans and the media don’t own any part of the real me.
They can have ‘The Ace’ on their TV screens, their phones, and all over their fucking socials, if they want.
I give them eighty-two games a year, sometimes more, but once I’m off the ice, I only belong to myself. ”
The conviction behind his words and his commanding tone had a zap of energy running up my spine, pulling my back straight and shoulders set with its power.
“Okay,” I whispered, not able to argue with anything he was saying.
It was well known to all the sports media outlets that Ash was incredibly hard to access, no matter how loud the executives’ grumbling became.
“I’m out to all the important people in my life.
And if the right person came along, man or woman, I wouldn’t want to hide my feelings in public.
I couldn’t have you in my arms only to lose you again.
I’d want more than one night. Can you understand that?
” The emotion in his eyes had pressure building up behind mine in response.
How could I be mad at him for putting a stop to something that he saw had risks for both of us?
Asher Landry was a good man. It was something I had known from our first interaction. But he continued to prove himself day in and day out.
“Wow.” I sounded like an idiot after the thoughtful words he’d just spoken.
But oh my god! Ash was into me? He saw me as more than some rookie he’d taken on as a pet project while working with the Hammerheads.
I couldn’t contain my smile. It felt incredible to be special to a person as amazing as Ash.
“What’s that smile mean? Are you okay with everything I’m saying here?” He returned my expression with a much more subdued curve to one side of his mouth.
“Let me try and get the words out because I heard everything you just said, and I think it’s really important that I try to be honest too.”
I broke eye contact, fiddling with the seam of the pillow in front of me, wondering if I had the same courage that he’d just shown.