Chapter 21
twenty-one
ASHER
Every atom in my body wanted to jump back in time five minutes and still be kissing Cade.
If not for the raging hardness of my cock reminding me that I’d just had my hands and mouth on him, I’d swear I was either dreaming or imagining things due to sleep deprivation.
It would have been so easy to take what Cade had so beautifully offered.
Standing there bare, his lower half scarcely covered by the thin material of his sexy boxer-briefs, he’d been nearly irresistible.
After weeks of purposefully avoiding the team’s locker room on the off chance I’d catch a glimpse of his skin, I’d let myself look for the first time.
Goddamn, I’d been right to stay away as a defense against my deepening attraction to him.
Those gorgeous freckles were laid out like a banquet across his defined shoulders, his clearly visible clavicle bones, and over his pecs.
I wanted to spend endless days and nights discovering every single freckle with my hands and then do it all over again with my tongue until he fell apart in pleasure beneath me.
His chest was dusted with a small amount of strawberry-blond hair that looked as soft as the luscious curls on his head, matching the denser thatch of his happy trail leading from under his belly button until it disappeared under the waistband of his boxer-briefs.
Fuck. His mouth was intoxicating. Kissing had never felt like I was being lit up inside by a set of fuses that just needed Cade to flip the switch.
Regardless of my cock’s disagreement, everything I’d said to Cade was true. Neither of us was in a state to decide anything right now.
Kissing him and feeling his skin against mine had solidified the fears I’d carried since we met.
I wanted more of him, but not just in the physical sense.
Cade brought out a degree of protectiveness and care in me that I’d never wanted to share with anyone before.
I was already in danger of tumbling completely in love with this man, so I knew that there was no way to have part of him and write it off afterward.
The thought of Cade hooking up with anyone else had my blood racing with jealousy I didn’t have the right to feel.
It had pained me to feel the intensity of pleasure for a few minutes and then push away the very person I wanted most.
Everything I’d gone through in the past year had removed my tolerance for bullshitting myself: the injury that took me off the ice, ending my long-term relationship with Mira; taking on a coaching job to escape the worries about my future in the NHL.
I refused to treat Cade as less than the capable person he was, so I’d told him the truth about my feelings for him.
I needed him to know that I couldn’t do something unless we both took the time to make sure it was the right decision, especially if he was just discovering a side of his sexuality he’d never explored before.
And if I’d left out how deep into this thing with him I already was, it was only because I didn’t want to pressure him into a relationship he may not be ready for.
The first step was hearing what he would say to my confession.
Across from me, Cade pressed his lips together, shifting his hold on the pillow now covering his entire midsection. His eyes appeared unfocused for a second or two, heightening my need to hear his reply.
His hand shook slightly as he traced the seams of the pillow, before tilting his head so his gaze met mine.
“You’re right,” he sighed. “I might not be able to define everything that I’m feeling. But it doesn’t mean I don’t know enough to want what we just did. I did want it.”
Cade’s eyes widened in his earnestness. It was fucking adorable. I wanted to drag him across to my bed and promise him everything he ever wanted.
“I do want it. I kissed you if you recall,” he emphasized, as if I could forget the best ten minutes of my life right after they’d just happened.
“But more than that, this thing between us. . .” Cade took one hand off the pillow to point at me and then himself.
“It feels important to me in a way nothing else has. I feel the best when we’re together, especially when it’s just us alone.
But even around the team, I trust you to look out for me. ”
“Cade, thank you. . .” I wanted to add “sweetheart” so badly, but I’d seen how powerfully my giving him that nickname affected him before. So I left it alone.
He blinked as if I’d surprised him.
“I haven’t done anything! You’ve been the one encouraging me and helping me all this time.
And even now, you’re looking out for my feelings, making sure I don’t do anything I don’t want to do.
” He bit his lip. “I can’t even give you a label for what I am when you seem so sure of everything.
I just know it felt right to hold on to you. ”
“I definitely care about you a lot, Cade. But don’t go putting me on a pedestal.
I want to throw out every responsible thought I have in my head and dive in with you.
But you need to understand how many people would think this moment or anything else happening between us would be one hundred percent wrong.
I’m partially responsible for the direction of your career over this season.
The power imbalance between us is huge. This could cost you everything.
You must see that?” I begged him with my eyes to see where I was coming from and not only hear my words as a rejection.
“WhatifIwanttoblowitallup?” he mumbled to the floor.
“Sorry, Cade. What did you say?”
He lifted his chin, his eyes unblinking as held my gaze.
“I said, what if I want to blow it all up? What if I want to stay fuck it and just have something I want more than anything!” Cade’s volume increased with each word he spoke, unleashing a level of frustration that had to be about more than just me and him.
“Can you explain what you mean by that?” I asked carefully.
Cade thrust his hands into his hair, scratching his fingers through his red curls, making them even more wild.
“I fucking don’t want to play hockey anymore, okay?” He tightened his grip on his hair, his knuckles whitening in between the strands.
He could have punched me in the face, and I would have been less shocked than hear him say he didn’t want to play hockey.
Semi-professional hockey was not something you did unless you were fully committed.
Hell, the vast majority of people who wanted to play hockey more than they wanted to take their next breath didn’t even make it to Cade’s position.
While my brain struggled to catch up to the direction our conversation had taken, Cade stood and began pacing back and forth in the few feet of space the hotel room offered.
“Cade, can you come back and sit and tell me what’s going on please?” Each second that passed suggested that this was a huge issue for him. I didn’t want him to have a panic attack because he’d felt forced to share a secret that he’d carried around for what sounded like a long time.
Thankfully, the plea in my tone drew him back to the bed across from me where he plonked himself back down on the mattress, knocking a couple of pillows to the floor with his movements.
I didn’t want to make him talk to me if he really didn’t want to, but everything in me wanted him to want to let me in.
I let the silence settle between us, vowing not to break it unless it was to offer support for anything he said.
Shifting further back onto the mattress, he picked at the nonexistent lint on the comforter before looking at me again.
I offered him a small smile I hoped that he interpreted as my willingness to listen.
“Yeah. I’m sorry, Ash. I didn’t mean to lose it like that. It’s just. . .” His voice trailed off as he brought a hand up to gesture to the space around us. “None of this is my choice, you know?”
That statement had a bolt of worry going through me. The icy burn of fear had every notch of my spine straightening in awareness, like a puppet whose strings threatened to yank me out of this world entirely.
Whatever Cade saw on my face had him scrambling to clarify himself.
“Shit! I’m so bad at this. I don’t mean being here with you is not my choice, Ash.
God! The times we spend talking or just being in the same space are the only times that I do feel like I have a choice.
I play hockey because it’s what my dad expects.
It’s what he’s demanded I do since the moment I put on skates, and showed some natural raw talent.
I’m here to make money to help pay my parents’ expenses.
I thought if I could just make it to the NHL and make some good money for a couple of seasons, Dad’s obsession would end and I could. . .”
“Be free?” I let my muscles relax one by one with the relief that he wasn’t here against his wishes.
His shoulders slumped. “Yeah, that.”
“What would you do instead?” I cocked my head to the side, now trying to envision Cade in another reality where he was doing what he was passionate about.
“It’s going to sound stupid.”
“Not a chance, sweetheart.” Damn, the nickname slipped out.
Despite my fuck-up in not keeping the endearment to myself, it seemed to reassure Cade, bringing a warm, if hesitant, smile to his lips.
“Yeah, okay. So, before I signed with North Bay, I had applied to a couple of software engineering programs in Ontario. I wanted to get my degree so that I could go into software development, specifically creating apps for medical professionals and patients to make it easier to deal with chronic conditions or autoimmune diseases.”
“To make life easier for people like your mom, huh? Just like the app you showed me today.”
Cade nodded. The pink tint that crept up the skin of his neck spread like wildfire over his cheeks and ears. These goddamn blushes were going to be my downfall.
I only needed to know one more thing before we could put this aside for the rest of the night and get some sleep.
“Do you still wish you could do that?”
“It’s not even remotely realistic,” Cade’s smiled dropped as he shook his head in denial. “My contract, my mom’s expenses, and Dad’s—”
I couldn’t stop myself from interrupting, but I made my voice extra soft. “Sweetheart, I didn’t ask if it was possible, only if you would still want that for yourself if you could choose it.”
“Yes, Ash. I would. I would step away from professional hockey in a heartbeat if it was possible,” he practically whispered, as if even thinking of something different for himself was forbidden.
It was an anvil to the gut to imagine Cade spending so many years being miserable. No matter what happened between us, I would do everything in my power to help him with whatever he needed.
“This was a lot, Cade. We’re exhausted, your mom just went through surgery, emotions are flying all over the place.
I don’t want to be the thing you use to destroy your life as you know it.
Honestly, my heart isn’t built for that kind of heartbreak.
There is too much at stake for us both to have any regrets here.
Even knowing the risk to my own career, I’m still willing to say fuck you to a lot of the issues keeping us apart.
But I need you to take some time to really consider if you want to do something that almost no one in your life would understand and that we both might catch a lot of hate for.
We both need clear heads to make good decisions, right? ”
“I dunno. Maybe being responsible is overrated. I think I’d like to try making all the mistakes for a while.
Sounds fun.” A hint of mischief glinted in his eyes.
“But joking aside, I’ll promise to think carefully about our situation if you promise that you aren’t closing the door on the possibility of more happening between us. ”
“I promise,” I vowed.
The realization that Cade felt something for me, too, was a comfort I could tuck inside my chest. If I came to my senses or he did—which both of us should—I could console myself that I hadn’t imagined the connection between us.
“Okay.” His shoulders released some tension.
I rose, heading toward the bathroom and the shower I hadn’t gotten to take, this time remembering to scoop up clean clothes.
I decided to keep things as light as possible for the rest of the day.
We’d eat room service, sleep, and figure out the next steps once Cade heard from the hospital.