Chapter 22
twenty-two
CADEN
It’d been three days since getting back from Sudbury.
Three days since I’d been alone with Ash and had his undivided attention.
Once we’d arrived at our apartment building, we’d only said a quiet goodbye in the parking garage as I’d opted to take the stairs so no one would see us together.
Even though I’d wanted to jump recklessly into this relationship with Ash, I was glad I hadn’t blurted out my decision the second we got back.
He’d shown me his support as a hockey player, then a friend, since the day we met. I wanted to repay that gift by taking care of his feelings, too.
So, I’d spent the last three days working my ass off on the ice to prove to Coach Wilder that I was grateful for his leniency about my taking off in the middle of the night.
Thoughts of Ash consumed the rest of my time.
He’d told me to think about what I wanted with him and to consider the possible consequences and fallout from the choices we might make. I’d literally done nothing else since he’d walked into the bathroom to shower after our kiss that night.
Not to mention, I’ve been thinking about how I’d define my sexuality, which led to more questions than answers. Was I bi? Pan?
The first thing I decided was that those were questions I couldn’t answer right away. And I might not ever land on the exact definition for myself. I needed time. Would Ash be able to accept that?
Instead, my mind spent most of my waking hours focused on whether I could give Ash what he was asking for. A committed relationship where we could one day be together in public.
The further away we got from our explosive kiss in the hotel room, the more I realized how right Ash was to press pause on everything.
The potential risks were high. He could lose his coaching job, his reputation, and his contract with the Titans. Even thinking that I could be responsible for tanking his hockey career left me racked with guilt.
In addition, I would be jeopardizing my contract and salary, which my parents depended on. Despite my outburst at the hotel in Sudbury, I couldn’t set fire to my entire life, walk away from my parents, and come out of the ordeal unscathed.
And leaving Mom without financial support felt impossible as did facing the torrent of anger Dad would rain down on me for fucking everything up.
It wasn’t about playing hockey, which had been a job to me since my early teens. My dad had sucked out every ounce of joy that I might have felt about hockey with his non-stop pressure for me to be the best and the way he’d ream me out when I wasn’t.
My dad would never stop being an asshole, but what would my mom do?
How would her life change if the team found out about my seeing Ash and I lost my contract as a result?
Because if it came down to the optics of ditching an NHL superstar and quietly dissolving the contract of some nobody rookie, it was obvious how things would go at head office.
It seemed like the safe decision to keep my head down. That way, I wouldn’t jeopardize my mom’s quality of life or Ash’s career.
But what if you just chose yourself this one time? How badly would you regret not taking this chance with Ash?
Now, in front of his apartment door, the reality that he could have changed his mind about me had my legs feeling like jelly as I knocked softly.
A meow and the sounds of shuffling came from behind the door before it swung open.
“Cade.”
“Hi, Ash.” I only just stopped myself from awkwardly waving, shoving my hands in the pockets of my sweatpants instead. “Umm, is it okay that I’m here?”
What if he didn’t want to see me? A pit of dread formed in my stomach.
His lips curved with a small smile. “Yeah, of course, sorry. I just wasn’t expecting to see you.”
He stepped back, gesturing for me to come in.
“Let’s sit.”
After ditching my shoes by the door, I followed him into the living room of his apartment. Clearly, the building owners had started renovating the top-floor units first. The place I shared with Kovac and Hawkins could fit inside Ash’s place twice over.
He sat back on the massive sectional that dominated the room. I hesitated, not knowing how close or far from him I should sit.
“Hey. We’re good. Tell me what you’re thinking. I’ve missed you,” Ash reassured me before patting the cushion right next to his.
How did he just say things like “I missed you” so easily? I’d missed him so much over the past few days, but I wasn’t brave enough to say it out loud like he was.
Relieved that he at least wanted me here, I dropped onto the cushion and angled my body toward him.
I wanted to be able to see his reactions. The uncertainty of the unresolved feelings between us was eating me up.
I just needed to know.
“So okay, I’m going to get this out before I lose my nerve. I’ve thought about what you said for the past three days. And I. . .” My voice cut off from nerves.
Ash slid his hand on top of mine, where it rested beside my thigh. He rubbed his thumb back and forth across my knuckles, the contact comforting.
I glanced down at where our hands connected, concentrating on the warmth of his skin against mine, before returning my gaze to his.
At least he wasn’t opposed to touching me. That was a good start.
“Yeah, sorry. What I want to tell you is that I do want to try a relationship with you. I’m not comfortable with hookups either, which is why I’ve only been in one other relationship.
So, I don’t know if that makes me a really bad bet?
Hockey pretty much took over my life, and my dad was always around.
It just wasn’t possible for me to feel anything for anyone.
Looking back, there were definitely times when I thought I could be attracted to guys too, but my dad’s an asshole, so I never even let myself consider it at the time.
But then I met you, and everything is totally different.
These feelings are here to stay, even if it’s not the thing I ‘should’ be doing.
I don’t care about that anymore. I want this, with you.
I know it’s stupid to risk the career I’ve given more than a decade of my life to, but if you can trust me to make that call for myself, then I’m ready to jump into something real with you. ”
My chest rose and fell as if I’d climbed a huge hill. Had I held my breath for that whole time?
Ash pressed his lips together. I was vibrating with nerves when he didn’t respond right away.
“You’re right that we shouldn’t be doing this.
Not because of your relationship experience.
” He squeezed my hand again as if to emphasize his point.
“But I can’t ignore the way I feel either.
Maybe I lost all my self-preservation somewhere between my first and second shoulder surgeries, but I think it’s worth the risk.
I would regret it forever if I didn’t try with you, sweetheart. ”
There was a lump of emotion in my throat, but I had to keep going before I lost my nerve.
“Before you say anything else, I know you said you were out to the people who are most important to you. But the truth is, I can’t put a label on myself yet.
And I don’t know if I’ll be able to anytime soon,” I rushed on, not wanting him to think that I wanted to hide this from everyone.
“I don’t have many people I trust right now, so I would rather keep things private.
Like I could tell Kait and you could tell your family if you want, but I don’t think I could handle the pressure of the season and trying to figure myself out in the public eye. ”
“Shit, Cade. . .” His eyes widened, looking shocked.
“I never meant for you to feel pressured to tell anyone anything about your sexuality before you were ready. I was lucky to grow up in a family that was already very open and accepting. Plus, once I learned more of the language to explain my feelings and who I was attracted to, it just clicked for me. But everyone is different. So, please don’t stress about labels.
I was just saying that I didn’t want to only have a physical relationship in secret.
What I wanted was your openness to tell our loved ones about us someday in the future.
We can figure things out between ourselves first, okay?
One step at a time. Once we figure us out, we can figure out how to tell the team and everyone else. ”
“Yes, okay.” I blew out a relieved breath. “That sounds good. But can I ask you something else?”
“Anything.” Ash shifted his hand underneath mine to interlock our fingers.
“Did I hear a ‘meow’ before?”
A laugh burst out of him at my abrupt topic change.
“That’s Potato. I didn’t pick the name, a little girl at a rescue open house did.
When I moved back into my condo last year, I saw some social media post about a cat rescue in the city.
There was Potato in one of the tiny pictures.
Black cats and dogs are way less likely to get adopted, and there was just something about him.
Anyway, the day I went to pick him up, there was another family there, and their little girl said I should name him ‘Potato,’ so I did.
But just so you know, I call him Poe for short. ”
Just as I opened my mouth to ask Ash if he’d had any pets growing up, a plaintive “meow” sounded from behind us before a flash of black suddenly appeared on the pillowed surface of the couch just behind Ash’s head, startling both of us.
The intruder had Ash shifting sideways toward me and away from the sudden movement behind him, filling the foot and a half of space we’d had between us.
One of his broad shoulders now pressed against my pec, and his massive upper thigh muscle sat snugly against mine.
“Shit! Speak of the devil! What’s with the stealth jump-scare, buddy?”
Without shifting his body away from where it touched mine, Ash admonished the medium-sized black cat who meowed more subduedly in response to his master’s question.
“Dude, I already fed you dinner. You know this. We do the same thing every night.” He blew out a breath, causing the soft cotton of his T-shirt to brush against my arm as his lungs expanded and contracted.
Just the pressure of his warm skin through the fabric felt amazing. How was I going to cope if I got access to his bare skin tonight?
“MEOW!” Poe complained, clearly a protest about the state of his dinner situation if I’d ever heard one, drawing a hiccup of laughter from my throat.
Two golden-yellow eyes belonging to a very cute face peered around Ash’s head, inspecting the newcomer—or invader, I’m no expert in feline expressions—who’d just made a sound.
“Okay, come meet Cade, Poe.”
Ash reached sideways to scoop his cat off the back of the couch, his body shifting away from mine, before settling the little guy on his lap.
The return of several inches of space between us left my right side feeling cold. Shit, I needed to rein in this attraction before I lost my mind.
Jesus. Was I so desperate for contact that I was a little jealous of Ash’s cat?
Ash’s gaze shifted from where he was leisurely stroking Poe’s back to my face. The smile on his face was soft and fond, the cat already forgiven for scaring us both.
“Cade, bud. This is my little Potato. Or Poe, for short. He’s a true menace, but once you get to know him, he’s pretty good at cuddles.” He grinned like the proud cat-dad he was.
“I haven’t really been around animals that much. Can I pet him?”
“For sure. Go for it.” Ash gestured with his chin, giving me the all clear to touch Poe.
My gut fizzed with nerves, not wanting to get nipped by sharp cat teeth, but also wanting the little guy to like me.
It would be a super fucking awful way to start off a relationship if his cat hated me.
Ash’s gaze moved between Poe and me, checking on both of us.
Whatever he saw must have satisfied him because he shifted even closer to me to wrap his arm around my shoulders.
“Is this okay?” he asked before letting his hand touch the T-shirt I wore.
“Yes, please.”
I tipped my head onto his shoulder as he pulled me in against his body. It reminded me of the day in his office when I’d been so embarrassed for falling asleep on him. I’d never imagined that I would have the chance to be held by him this way again.
He leaned down, pressing his nose into my hair. “Not going to run on me this time?” he said, echoing my thoughts.
“Definitely not. I’m right where I want to be.”