Chapter 37
thirty-seven
CADEN
Nope. Nope. Not going there. One thing at a time.
I was so focused on my breathing for several inhales and exhales that I missed the first part of what Ash said to Mom, the sound of his voice filtering into my ears like a pair of wonky old headphones that worked only when you twisted the wire around the plug just the right way.
“To be honest with you, Lynn, Zane has been way better about this than I deserve. I’ve got a long way to go to make up for not telling him about my feelings for Cade immediately.
Luckily, the GM seems to be a real believer in ‘young love,’ as he put it.
It also didn’t hurt that I technically haven’t been on the team’s payroll as they’ve been donating my salary all along,” he started.
“Beyond that, I’ve already gone to HR and the team owners to personally apologize.
The Hammerheads team and head office is completely different from any other hockey organization I’ve ever been associated with.
The owners are allies, and definitely not in the performative sense.
There are so many LGTBQ2IA+ causes that they fund in the community.
I wished I’d known sooner, I could have done a lot more this past season.
Hell, I know I should have resigned from the team that first Sunday night when Zane sent me to get Cade out of the practice arena.
. .” He trailed off, tucking his chin toward his chest and drew in a deep breath.
“No way! Then we wouldn’t be where we are now,” I protested, causing both Ash and Mom to startle.
I continued before Ash could ask what the hell had come over me.
“I know it was wrong to lie to Coach, and I take part of the blame in that because I was still coming to terms with acting on my attraction to a guy. And I let your whole ‘Overprotective Boyfriend Ash Mode’ go into overdrive.”
“‘Overprotective Boyfriend Ash Mode’?” Ash cut in, raising an eyebrow disbelievingly. His tone was half insulted, and half amused. “I really don’t think I’m that bad.”
The tiniest pout appeared on his bottom lip. I wanted to kiss it off right there in front of Mom. I’d landed myself a ten just by being my overly awkward self. And now I was going to do everything in my power to keep him forever.
“Babe, you’re family calls birthdays, ‘yes days,’ and everyone gets two different flavors in their cake that your parents take turns making,” I raised both eyebrows toward my hairline, daring him to disagree with the wonderful level of “extra” that was the Landry family.
“You went into OBAM in hyper-drive, and I love you so much for it. But we’re both going to be as brave as each other from here on out, okay?
” My cheeks heated with the realization that I’d let the fact that I loved Ash slip out so easily in front of my mom.
Ash’s gaze flitted between my eyes, then down to my cheeks and back up again, his eyes heating up with a hint of attraction which caused my pale cheeks to blush.
Definitely not a meet-the-parents appropriate look.
A sniff from across the table pulled my attention back to Mom and away from the frantic urge to telepathically communicate to Ash to reign it in.
“Mom?” My gut clenched. An icy shock ran down the back of my legs, freezing all my muscles and causing feet my to arch rigidly, forcing my toes into the worn linoleum floor. I had to fight to stay quiet and let her answer instead of launching into fixer mode to make any tears stop.
“Caden, I’m fine. In fact, I haven’t felt this kind of joy in a long time. Seeing you in love right here in front of me is lovely, but the confidence in yourself and what you want is new, honey. I’m so proud of you.”
My muscles relaxed a fraction, though my quad was still rock hard under Ash’s hand where he’d begun to smooth the fleece of my sweatpants back and forth.
“Well, you might want to hold off on saying that for another minute.” I swallowed.
“Oof. I know that look. You think you have bad news. But listen, there isn’t anything that’s going to change my feelings, okay? I wish you could see yourself the way I see you, Caden.” She paused before continuing. “Now, what is it that you don’t want to tell me?”
The whiplash of so many emotions in such a short time was causing exhaustion to overtake the adrenaline that had gotten me this far. Mom had reacted to everything with Ash so much better than I’d ever imagined.
“I’m going to quit hockey, Mom. I hate it. I’ve never wanted to play professionally. That was all dad. I want to go back to school for computer science,” I confessed hurriedly.
The silence that spanned the table felt heavy. But all I could hear was a ringing in my ears from anxiety.
“Oh, Caden. I wish I had known,” she replied quietly, sniffing again. This time it was likely sad instead of sappy feelings. She tucked a strand of her auburn hair behind her ear, a move I’d seen all throughout my childhood when she needed a minute to think.
“You couldn’t have known, Mom. I never said anything,” I pleaded, not able to let her shoulder the blame for something that was in no way her fault.
“But why?”
“A lot of reasons,” I hedged, not ready to explain about the abuse I’d suffered at Dad’s hands over the years.
That was something I was going to deal with in the therapy Ash insisted we’d make a financial priority along with my schooling.
I wasn’t sure I could even form the words today, anyway.
“Mostly the money. We needed it. With Dad out of work for the last couple years, it didn’t really feel like a choice.
I didn’t say anything because you were already dealing with so much pain and the side effects from all of your meds.
. .” I shrugged, not wanting to make her feel guilty.
Everything up until this point had felt like an “it is what it is” sort of situation.
“I hate that you carried that burden. I hate it more that you couldn’t count on me to relieve you of it. It’s not your job to take care of your father and me, Caden.”
That’s not what Dad has said my whole life, I thought, but didn’t say out loud.
Before I could come up with a response, the front door swung open with a bang against the siding of the house.
Shit. My dad was home.
A few seconds later, he stomped into the kitchen to where we sat with Mom.
“What the hell are you doing here, Caden?” Dad scowled as he strode toward the table where the rest of us remained seated.
I tried to gauge how much he’d had to drink today for a few seconds before giving up, realizing it didn’t matter because I had to get this over with.
“Dad, I came up to talk to you and Mom about something.”
“There’s nothing so important you couldn’t have sent it in a goddamn text.
You’ve got the last game of the season tomorrow, and you thought it was a good time to skip out on your team yet again?
You need to turn around and get back to Lakeside right now.
” His jaw clenched so hard I was surprised his molars weren’t audibly cracking.