Chapter 38
thirty-eight
CADEN
“Frank!”
He didn’t acknowledge my mom.
“No,” I said simply, without breaking eye contact with him.
“No?” He took two steps forward, bringing him close enough to where I was sitting that I had to look up at him.
I had to steel myself not to visibly react. It was rare for him to get physical with me—and he’d never done anything in front of Mom—and I’d been banking on that pattern holding up today.
But Dad seemed angrier than I’d seen him in years, making him more unpredictable.
“That’s what I said. No, this couldn’t be a text message or wait until after the season. I wanted you to hear it from me first,” I explained calmly, despite the way my internal organs were turning into jelly.
“Hear what from you? Have you messed up with the Hammerheads so badly with your half-assed performance that you’ve come here to tell me they’re releasing you from your contract?” he spat.
My heart pounded in my chest as I fought the urge to placate him. I’d learned over the years that there was no way to temper his rage, either by trying to reason with him or cajole him, but the desire to do so was always there.
There was nothing I could do but keep my expression neutral and unmoved.
“No. They haven’t released me,” I sighed, fighting to keep any frustration from contaminating my tone.
Arriving on my parents’ doorstep unexpected was enough to put my dad on the defensive.
If he thought I was giving him “attitude,” he’d shut down and wouldn’t hear a word of the explanation I’d been rehearsing in my mind for weeks.
“Thank fuck for that. We’re not in complete shit yet. Tell me what the hell is going on then, and why Ace Landry is sitting in my kitchen.”
“Frank.” Asher’s greeting was a simple acknowledgement, accompanied by a shallow nod of his head. It was a marked change from his over-the-top friendliness at the hospital a few months earlier.
A quick glance at Ash revealed a deceptively calm expression on his face, while the hand on my leg was tense. His finger muscles twitched every so often as if he were fighting to keep still.
My dad’s presence was rapidly sucking the oxygen out of the room, making it harder for me to pull a full breath into my lungs. My threadbare hoodie felt like it was suddenly made of lead instead of fabric.
“Dad, could you maybe sit down?” I suggested.
“Fine.” He yanked out the chair and sank down into it beside my mom.
Dad laid both hands on the table in front of him, as if to be ready to stand up again at any moment.
“Explain.” He slapped his hand on the tabletop, that stupid fucking high school ring banging against the wooden surface.
“I came up to let you know that I’m done with hockey. I’m not signing any contract extensions if they are offered with the Hammerheads or any other team. I’ll finish this season, but that’s it. I wanted you to hear it from me first before it became official.”
His features went slack for a second, making me think the shock of my words was causing him to have a stroke. I might have hated him, but I didn’t wish anything bad to happen to him. I just wanted to forget my dad’s existence once the next few minutes were over.
I opened my mouth to ask him if he was okay, but before I could say anything, both his fists clenched so hard the knuckles turned white.
“Don’t you fucking dare,” Ash growled beside me, his eyes lasered onto my dad’s face.
The noise had my dad’s gaze snapping from me to Ash’s face.
Bile surged into my throat at the thought of my dad saying something disgusting to Ash. This was my problem to deal with.
If I thought that I’d felt all the flavors of humiliation courtesy of Dad over the years, I’d been wrong. Having Ash and Mom witnessing his disdain for me was so much worse than I could ever have imagined.
Dad’s anger might as well have been a living, breathing animal that sat in the middle of the table.
“You haven’t said what he’s doing here. Is he here because you’re not brave enough to face me on your own? You need your ‘coach’ to back you up?” My dad sneered at me, flicking his gaze back and between me and Ash, the insinuation of something disgusting in his tone.
To Ash, he spat, “I don’t give a shit why you’re here, this is none of your fucking business.”
“Anywhere Cade asks me to be is my business,” Ash said simply, giving my thigh a tiny squeeze under the table, his hand having relaxed after he’d made his point clear.
“Listen, Ace,” Dad said, pouring revulsion into Ash’s nickname. “I don’t know what right in the goddamn world you think you have to interfere with my family, but this is between me and my son. So, get out of here before I call the cops on you for trespassing.”
“Do what you need to do,” Ash’s tone was completely unfazed. “But I’m not going anywhere unless Cade tells me to leave.”
The wild fear inside me gnawed at the bars of its cage deep in my gut.
“Let me out! Tell him to go! He won’t love you after this!
” it chanted. The refrain was so loud it became distorted, buzzing in my ears, making it that much harder to keep my promise to myself to allow Ash to see me be vulnerable.
I wasn’t about to send him away. I hadn’t wanted him to hear anything my dad might say, but I couldn’t deny the relief of having Ash at my side.
“Frank, what the hell are you doing?” Mom turned sideways in her chair, eyes narrowed. “No one is going to be calling anybody. Ash is a guest in our home. We haven’t lost ourselves so much in this family that we can’t be civil for a single conversation, have we?”
This wasn’t a side of Dad she saw often. Our family motto had always been to ignore his temper and pretend the next day that nothing had happened. I feared that option wasn’t available to her this time, especially with Ash here to witness our dysfunction in all its glory.
“Frank, have you been drinking?”
I blinked at her question. The first unspoken rule of the Kelly family was that we didn’t talk about Dad’s drinking. Where had this version of Mom come from?
“Fuck, Lynn. It’s barely noon. Is that how you talk about the person who’s been supporting this family all these years?” The anger in his tone had reduced by half, even with the profanity.
“As if you’ve been the one supporting the family,” Ash started before my mom cut him off.
“We will talk more after the boys leave, Frank,” she said as she held Dad’s gaze, before glancing at me. “I’ve been letting too many things slide for too many years and believing too many stories you’ve told. But that’s for us to figure out, eh?”
A tense silence fell over the table, before Ash spoke up again.
“Can I excuse myself to the bathroom for a second, Lynn?” A small part of me was thrilled that Ash addressed Mom like she was the only owner of the house, while the other part wondered why the hell he had to leave right this second..
“Of course, Asher dear. Down the back hall, second door on the right.”
He nodded before quietly slipping out of his chair, pressing two fingers to my shoulder before he made his way out of the kitchen.
I chose to believe that Ash did in fact need to use the bathroom and that he wasn’t second guessing his decision to come with me.
It had become crystal clear that it was time to go, and when Ash came back, we’d leave.
I was just done. Done with the cycle of my dad ignoring everything I said and getting angry anyway. It was too debilitating to carry any longer.
“Dad, Ash isn’t going anywhere. He’s part of my life now.”
I didn’t owe him any clarification of what Ash was to me. He could think the worst for all I cared at this point.
“Ah. I see how it is now. You’ve made yourself a little fuck-toy side-piece for Mr. Superstar with all his money. Has he conned you into thinking he’ll take care of you if you quit hockey?” Each word dripped with disdain.
A thousand volts of electricity ran through my limbs at his insinuation. As much as I’d hated him since I was a kid, I’d never wanted to hurt him. I just wanted to make myself invisible.
But insulting Ash seemed to unleash all of my anger.
“Fucking don’t, Dad. None of whatever shady shit you’re making up in your head is true.
I’m not like you that way. But you can believe what you want to believe, you always have.
Here’s what’s happening next: I’m firing that piece of shit lawyer you saddled me with as an agent as soon as we leave here.
You’re going to have to find a way to convince someone you can stay sober enough to do a job, because you will never see another cent from me that you can drink and gamble away.
But whatever happens next, you and I are never going to speak again. ”
I stood, pushing my chair in. At this rate, I’d wait for Ash outside the damn bathroom door if it got us out of here a few seconds faster.
To Mom, I said, “I’m sorry, Mom. I don’t want to leave things like this.
” I gestured to Dad. He’d never come close to laying a hand on her; his aggression was only ever focused on me.
“But you see now what it’s always been like for me.
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. But Ash and I are here for you in any way you might need, okay? I love you.”
As if summoned by me saying his name, Ash reappeared from behind me to stand at my side. He took my hand in his, interlacing our fingers once more.
I didn’t want to make things harder for her, but I could no longer carry the weight of the expectations and needs of the entire family. I was so fucking tired.
I wanted to figure out a way to heal some of these wounds and finally live.
I let my dad get an eyeful of Ash holding my hand, knowing it only fanned the flames of his temper.
But I refused to let go, pressing our hands to my body so that I felt Ash’s knuckles press against my quad.
Despite his shitty insinuations, it was better that he learned about our relationship sooner rather than later.
He might be an asshole bigot, but I wasn’t going to live under the fear of what he would do if he found out.
My dad’s eyes were glued to our hands.
“Listen, you’re a bigger dipshit than I ever thought if you think that you’re going to be able to hide this from the press.
” Dad waved his hand at the space Ash and I occupied.
“This shit is gold and all it’ll take is one well-placed phone call to whatever media outlet that’ll pay the most for the chance to out Ace Landry and the player who ruined his career.
Is that the kind of legacy you want your sugar daddy to have, huh, Caden?
You want to be labelled a whore for the entire world to see? ”
My breath stalled in my chest as Dad casually laid out my worst fucking nightmare.
“Shut up, Frank.” Mom’s voice was soft, but her tone was cutting.
She meant business now. “None of that is happening or will ever happen, do you hear me? If it does, I will personally make it my life’s mission to make sure the world knows what a useless piece of shit you are, Frank, husband or not. ”
My dad sagged back against his chair, an air of defeat causing his shoulders to drop.
She used her walker to pull herself to standing, unlocking the brakes and moving around Dad to come stand in front of me.
“I love you, Caden. I hope next time we see each other will be different. I’ll make sure of it. Take care of each other, okay?” Mom placed a hand on my cheek. I nodded, pressing the side of my face into her palm.
“We will, Lynn. And I’ll make sure of that.” Ash offered her a small smile. “Ready?” he asked me.
“Yep. Bye, Mom. Text me, okay? Anytime. Anything you need, promise?” I looked at Dad, the monster that had haunted my every step all these years, looking every bit his age with the misery plastered all over his face.
He’d made Mom mad in a way I’d never seen before. I guess all the Kellys were learning something new about themselves and each other today.
I turned, with Ash following me, and we walked out of my parents’ house. I knew I would never go back there again, no matter what my mom chose going forward. Though after that shit show, I imagined we’d be hearing from her sooner rather than later.
I just hoped she’d come to her senses and leave my dad. We’d already started prepping Ash’s condo in Toronto for her in anticipation of that day. It would be ready for her whenever she needed it.
Outside in the still cold spring air, a small breeze nipped against my skin, the sensation signalling to my body that we were no longer in that kitchen. That I’d done it. I’d faced my dad and lived to see the other side.
It was freeing to finally confront him with the words I’d imagined a thousand times over. But a heavy blanket of sadness settled over me at the thought of all the years I’d spent thinking that if I just tried a little harder, my dad would finally see that I was good enough.
We said nothing as we made our way back to Ash’s Jeep.
Then a delayed panic sank its claws deep into my organs and pulled hard enough that it felt like my actual flesh was tearing. The gravity of the fear was as real as the earth’s.
My knees locked with the effort to remain standing, even though all I wanted to do was fall to the ground.
What the hell was going on? I’d done it! I’d stood up for myself. I was supposed to feel amazing and free. Why did it feel like I’d just fallen off a cliff?
My mind continued to spiral. The last thing I wanted was to affect Ash’s career. We’d said it was all worth the risk, but the reality of all Ash’s hard work and dedication coming crashing down because of me had my balance faltering.
I sucked in a breath that got stuck in my chest, my muscles tightening in pain as a numbness crept up my face and into my fingers.
Standing in front of me, Ash’s eyes went wide. He quickly let go of my hand, bringing his arm around my shoulders and pulling me tightly into his body in a crushing hug.
“Just breathe, sweetheart,” he said under his breath. I could only offer him a jerky nod.
“You did so good in there. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. Nothing. I’ll never regret us, Cade. I love you.” He repeated the words over and over until I was steady enough to let him get me into the passenger seat and buckle me in before going around to the driver’s side door.
I finally allowed my eyes to close, exhaustion creeping in on the heels of panic.