Chapter 5 – Ramona
Chapter Five
Ramona
I haven’t been able to stop staring at Cooper Hendrix since I first noticed him on the ice. However, it is also the reason I notice when his entire demeanor changes in an instant. Just a few moments ago, he had a gentle smile on his face as he talked to the other coach, but then the man said something, and his face fell. His once-relaxed posture became rigid, all warmth draining from his face, and he winced at whatever the other coach just said. His muscular body recoils as if he’s been punched by the words, but no one says anything. Not a word. If I’m being honest with myself, I probably wouldn’t have noticed either if I weren’t watching him so closely. The other coach sure didn’t as he clapped him on the shoulder and skated towards the stands where the parents were seated.
“Alise. There’s something wrong with Cooper.”
I don’t dare take my eyes off him, afraid that I’ll miss another sign that something is wrong, but the question is, what is it? Cooper doesn’t look like the type of man to react to just anything. He seems to be very go-with-the-flow, but whatever the man said hit him hard. Harder than anyone else in this room knows. Anyone except me. Me and my stalker tendencies, which literally has me refusing to look at anything else but him since he spoke to me earlier.
I could always get up and go ask him. We spoke to each other earlier; it wouldn’t be out of the ordinary for me to call out to him before heading closer to the ice. He’s close enough that if I called his name, he’d hear me, but I wouldn’t dare. For one, the last thing I want to do is bring attention to whatever is happening right now, but mostly because I could be wrong. Although I doubt I am. Cooper’s hands clench tightly at his side, and his muscular arms seem to tremble with the effort to keep whatever is going with him under control.
“What the heck are you going on about? He’s fine.”
“No, he isn’t,” I insist, having no other way to explain to her that something is going on with her brother from another mother and she isn’t seeing it.
There is no reasonable explanation I could give Alise to explain to her how I know there is something wrong with Cooper, but that isn’t the point. He needs someone to help, to talk to, whatever people do when they see a friend in trouble, and he needs them right now. We’ve flirted a few times with each other in the last twenty-four hours, but that’s it. I’m probably the last person he would open up to about whatever is going on.
“Alise. Look at him. Really look at him.”
I don’t even need to look at her to know she is rolling her eyes at me. I should let this go. If someone who has known him for most of his life, like Alise, notices nothing wrong, I’m probably overreacting. Am I overreacting? Am I so wrapped up in this man that my mind is making up reasons to be near him? No, that’s not it at all.
“I am looking at him. He’s just standing there, which is odd. Maybe the other coach asked him to wait for the boys to come out?”
“Alise…” The moment her name is out of my mouth, Cooper takes off towards the other side of the rink, not even bothering to slow down as he reaches the edge and steps onto the floor, charging toward the locker room.
“Maybe there is something wrong,” Alise whispers as I turn toward her. This is not the time for me to say I told you so, but I really want to. “I’ll text him.”
She immediately pulls her phone from her pocket, her fingers moving furiously across the screen as my mind races. My chest tightens as the anxiety takes hold. This is insane. I barely know Cooper, but anxiety chose this moment for my mind to spiral. What the hell could that man have said to him that caused him to react like that? He was fine when we chatted earlier and even seemed excited to be demonstrating the drills to the boys at the end of practice. What could have caused that drastic mood shift?
“He says he’s fine,” Alise says, her eyebrows pulled down as she stares at her phone screen.
“And you believe him?”
“Of course, I don’t. Storming off isn’t Cooper’s thing. He’s the brooding-in-silence type.”
“So, is this his MO? Just a different execution than usual?” I question, not sure what I’m asking.
There was nothing usual about the look of pure anguish that flashed across his face before he left.
“You could say that…” she begins, but Darius cuts her off, shouting both our names. “Look, you gotta check out the parents' meeting with our little nugget. I’ll go figure out what the hell is going on with Coop.”
“I’m not too sure there’s even still going to be a parent meeting if Cooper is hiding in the locker room.”
“Correction. He was hiding in the locker room. Now he’s probably on his way back out here to ease your worries about him.” Alise turns her phone in my direction so I can read their text exchange.
Why the hell did you just skate out of here like your ass was on fire?
Coop? Are you okay?
Cooper.
Cooper Owen Hendrix, you better answer me or I’m calling your momma!
CooptheGoof
You worry too damn much, Lissy Loo Loo. I’m fine, but next time, give me a chance to answer you.
Fucker. I gave you more than enough chances to respond. Ramona was worried.
CooptheGoof
Ramona? Was worried about me?
Yes, I practically had to hold her back from running into the locker room after you.
CooptheGoof
I’ll be right out.
“What the fuck, Alise?” I groan, my cheeks instantly heating in embarrassment. “Way to make me look like a stalker or something. Next time you want to get Cooper to tell you what’s going on, leave me out of it.”
“It worked, didn't it?” she says with a smile before pocketing her phone.
I don’t even have the patience to argue with her anymore. Alise Moore is going to do what Alise Moore wants, and there’s no changing her mind. She is a force of nature, which is the thing I love most about her, but right now, it’s not helping matters.
“Whatever. I have to get down to the rink for the actual reason I came,” I grumble before making my way down the stairs toward the large group of parents.
As I get closer to the group, I can hear the other coach speaking. “Coach Hendrix will be coaching the 12U team, and I will remain with the 14U boys. We wanted to keep things as close to the normal routine as possible, so both teams will continue to practice together on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday nights from 7-8:30 pm.”
My mind wanders as he continues speaking, wondering who this man is to Cooper Hendrix. Based on what Alise had to say about Cooper, I doubt some random kids’ hockey coach could say something to anger him so quickly. He doesn’t look to be much older than my mother, which isn’t saying a lot because my mom doesn’t look her age either. He has wrinkles in all the right places, but not much gray in his hair. Actually, his eyebrows are greyer than anything else. He has a welcoming smile, but it’s not nearly as disarming as Cooper’s. Hell, I doubt there is anything as disarming as that smile.
“Where’s Coach Hendrix?” someone asks from the crowd.
Yeah, where is Cooper? Alise said he was going to be coming out in a few minutes, but I haven’t seen him yet. I turn to see if Alise is still where I left her, but she’s disappeared, as well. Shit, this can’t be good. Alise never leaves without saying goodbye. Ever. She knows how important it is to me. I shut my eyes tightly as I grip my shirt over my chest. “I’m fine. She’s fine. Everything is fine,” I mumble to myself as I attempt to calm my breathing. Who knew after all these years that I’d still panic at the thought of someone leaving without saying goodbye?
Tears well in my eyes as I remember the slam of the door as I walked out, fuming mad about something stupid but had meant the world to me. I should have told them I loved them. I should’ve said something before storming out of the house. If only I had known it was the last time I’d have seen them.
My chest tightens as if all the air is being sucked out of the room and someone has wrapped their fingers around my neck. I struggle to take a breath as panic bubbles up from my stomach and settles in my chest. Beads of sweat dot my forehead as my eyes snap shut, my lips moving slightly as I slowly count backward from ten in my head. I continue counting, willing my body to calm down, only getting to three before sucking in a gasping breath and falling to the side. I pull my knees up to my chest and tighten my arms around them.
Five things. Five things I can see around me.
My eyes snap open and search the rink for anything I can focus on: the coach, the ice, the colorful banners hanging from the rafters, the… Shit. My vision blurs as tears brim in my eyes. I close my eyes again as I feel a set of arms wrap around me, pulling me tightly into them. I don’t dare open my eyes to see who it is because right now; I’m just glad I’m not alone.
Four things I can touch.
The rough feeling of my shirt gripped in my hand, the weight of my phone in my hand, the feeling of the stranger’s skin beneath my other hand as I grip it tightly. Their muscles tighten as they grip me tighter in their arms.
Deep breath in and let it out slowly.
Shit. I need to focus. I need to calm down before someone notices, or even worse, Darius sees me. The last thing he needs right now is for his new teammates and their parents to notice me freaking out in the stands for apparently no reason. No matter how much I breathe and count, still trying to focus on my five things, I can’t. Nothing is helping the pain radiating through my chest as I try to focus on anything else but memories from that day.
“Hey.” A warm set of hands grips my knee, the heat warming my freezing limbs as my eyes snap open. Sitting right in front of me with a warm smile is Darius. “You got this. Just breathe with us, okay?”
Darius is the spitting image of my dad when he was younger. Yes, my dad. Not his own. What can I say? Our family has strong genes. His untamable curly hair sits on top of his head, pointing in every direction. The freshly cut side is tapered down almost to the skin. He has on a red hoodie with some logo on it with a thin black jacket over top.
Deep breath in and let it out slowly.
“I’m sorry, Mona. So sorry. Coop texted me again, and I was just so worried I took off. I didn’t think to say anything to you,” Alise says from behind me, squeezing me tightly.
Ah, so it is Alise sitting behind me. Helping me get it together when I spiral isn’t anything new to either of them. Dealing with anxiety isn’t anything new to me, but after that night, things got exponentially worse. I take medications and go to therapy regularly, but there are still times when I just can’t keep it together. It’s so frustrating. Even with everything that I do to stop the anxiety and panic from taking over, it still happens sometimes. And at the worst times, like when I’m in a roomful of people who have no idea what the hell I’ve been dealing with for the last five years.
In and out. In and out.
I gasp for breath, my cheeks and chest feeling like they’re on fire as I allow the air to fill my lungs, easing my panic. I push up to a seated position, resting my back against the door for a second time. The tightness in my chest subsides, allowing me to breathe easier.
“I’m sorry,” I croak, my eyes scanning the rink, searching to see who might have noticed what happened.
That is probably the worst part about my episodes. It’s the feeling of embarrassment afterward. Everyone has things they are worried about, but the physical manifestations of those fears are looked down on. I can’t even count how many times I’ve been told to just get over it. Trust me, if it were that fucking easy, I’d have done it already, but trauma does that to you. Your mind and body remember things forever. The only thing I can do is find a healthy way to cope and process my thoughts and feelings.
“Don’t worry, no one noticed. Everyone is too focused on trying to get a glimpse of Coop, but joke’s on them. He isn’t coming.”
“Oh,” is all I can say, trying desperately to hide my disappointment.
I wanted a chance to chat with him one more time, to look into his eyes and lose myself for a few minutes. A chance to forget about all my responsibilities and just be Ramona for a moment.
“Yeah. But he told me to apologize for worrying you.” Alise rests her cheek against the top of my head. “You okay now?”
“Yeah. I’m good,” I whisper as she unwraps her arms from around my shoulders.
I take a deep breath through my nose before plastering a fake smile onto my face. “How was practice, little man? Did all those months of rollerblading pay off?”
That was the only worry I had about him playing hockey. Darius had no idea how to ice skate. Hell, he’d never even put on a pair of roller skates before this summer, but he was determined to make it work. Ever since the day we saw the flyer hanging on the bulletin board at the local grocery store, advertising the hockey club, he was determined to figure out a way to make it happen. He put in the work, and I’m glad it paid off.
His entire face lights in excitement. “It was great! The team helped me out a lot with the stuff I didn’t know, and Coach James explained everything as much as he could.”
“That’s great, Darius! How did you feel about the other coach?”
“Coach Hendrix didn’t say much during practice. He just kind of stood there and watched what we were doing, only stepping in to correct some of us when Coach James wasn’t around.”
“Coop is usually the one playing hockey, not coaching. I’m sure he was just watching to see how the teams typically run. He’s an amazing hockey player, and I know you boys will learn a lot from him.”
“You’re not saying that just because he’s your best friend, are you?” I bump her shoulder slightly.
There is no doubt from the crowd gathered here tonight and the list of accomplishments Alise gave me earlier that Cooper Hendrix knows a thing or two about playing hockey. However, coaching hockey is something entirely different. Not only will he be coaching, but he’ll be coaching eleven and twelve-year-old boys. Being one, however many years ago, doesn’t automatically make you qualified to coach them.
“Auntie Li.” Darius perks up slightly, his eyes widening in surprise. “Coach Hendrix is your best friend?”
“Sure is. We grew up together. I know all of his brothers, too.”
“Are you kidding me? How could you have never told me you know one of the greatest hockey families of all time?” Darius throws his arms in the air in exasperation before crossing them over his chest.
“Great hockey families?” Alise shakes her head, as if this was news to her. “I guess you can call them that when all four boys have been smashing records since stepping foot on the ice for the first time.”
Darius bounces on his feet in excitement, opening and closing his mouth a few times before blurting out what I assume is the first thing his brain settles on. “Does that mean you can get tickets to the games? And good ones, not the ones so far away you need to use the screen to know what’s going on the ice.”
“Sure can. I bet I could even get you a chance to skate on the ice and hang out in the locker room.”
“Wait. You shouldn’t promise things you can’t deliver, Alise.” I know she means well and wants to make Darius happy, but this seems like something even she won’t be able to deliver. The last thing Darius needs is more disappointment in his life. He’s had more than enough to last a lifetime.
“I’m not. All I need to do is make a phone call and make some very well-placed threats, and it’s as good as done.”
“If you say so,” I respond skeptically, before turning back to Darius. “Why don’t you go back to the meeting? I’m going to need the Reader's Digest version of what’s being said.”
“Oh, the meeting is done. I think the parents are hanging around in hopes they can get an autograph from Coach Hendrix or something.”
“See? I told you,” Alise chirps, causing all three of us to laugh.
“Fair enough.” I shake my head before pulling in a deep breath. “Go say goodbye to everyone and grab your stuff. Auntie and I will be right here waiting for you.”
Without a word, Darius spins on his heels and makes his way down the bleachers. My heart rate speeds up as I see him speed down them before he reaches the floor and makes his way towards the group crowding the exit off the ice. Once he’s out of sight, I turn to Alise. “Sit and explain. Talk to me like I’m five years old. I know nothing about hockey other than it happens on ice in a cold-ass building.”
“Cooper has three younger brothers: Beau, Cole, and Kyle. All of which play hockey.” She pauses for a moment, giving me a chance to ask questions. “All four of them are hockey stars.”
“What do you mean by stars ?”
“I mean that if there were a list of top hockey players in the world, all four Hendrix brothers would be on there.”
“Holy shit.”
“Yup. Hockey is in their blood, although they are probably more committed to the sport than the average person,” Alise whispers, turning her head away from me.
Silence settles between the two of us and not the good kind. This silence is heavy with something I can’t place. There must be more to this story than I know. I want to press Alise to tell me everything, but judging by her demeanor, now is not the time. If it was something that I needed to know or that would harm Darius, there’s no doubt she’d tell me. For now, I just have to deal with not knowing, and I hate that.
My stomach growls loudly, breaking the silence. “Oh, that’s not embarrassing at all.” She laughs, all traces of her melancholy mood disappearing. “Let’s get our boy home. You need a shower, and I still need all the details about your first meeting with Cooper.”
“I told you…”
“Ah, ah, ah. No, you didn’t. I need every single detail. Nothing is insignificant.” Alise wags her finger in my face, the brightness returning to her eyes.
“Fine,” I huff as I notice Darius waving at us from the bottom of the bleachers. “I’m going to shower and eat first.”
“Shower first ‘cause you smell like the farm. No offense.”
“None taken.”
“However, you can tell me every detail while you eat. I already told Auntie, and she wants to know, too.”
Ugh. The last person on this earth I need to know about whatever this attraction is between Cooper and me is my mother. “You are evil.”
“No, I love you more than anything. We both do. We just want you to be happy.”
“I am happy,” I retort, pushing to my feet and heading toward the bottom of the stands.
“No, you've been existing. You haven’t been genuinely happy for a very long time. This might be your chance to thrive,” Alise whispers, and I pretend I didn’t hear her.
The last thing I want to do is get into another debate about my happiness, especially because she isn’t wrong. I haven’t been genuinely happy for a very long time. Not only do I not have the time for it, but I also don’t deserve it.