Chapter 6 – Cooper
Chapter Six
Cooper
F uck. I never should’ve left the ice like that. I have a responsibility to these boys and the hockey club to show up for the parents’ meeting today, but right now, I can’t. I just can’t stop reliving the worst day of my life.
Growing up, Momma was a teacher. Dad worked in construction. After paying all the different sports fees and feeding four growing boys, we had little left for anything else, but we never missed out on anything. Instead of expensive vacations or elaborate birthday parties, we spent our time outdoors, together as a family. We’d go camping, hiking, and anything else our parents could think of when we had breaks from school. If it involved being outside and some sort of strenuous activity, we did it. Momma used to say that it made having all boys easier because, by the time we were finished, we’d be exhausted.
Every year for our birthdays, we got to choose what we did, and that year I wanted to hike down the Columbia River to Multnomah Falls. The hike usually took half the day, but I wanted to make a weekend out of it. Dad planned the whole thing; we’d leave early in the morning and head there, hike the trails to the falls, and then camp in Ainsworth State Park campground in Horsetail Falls.
The morning is going just like every other one of my past birthday weekends. Momma wakes up early to make me a birthday pancake cake with freshly squeezed orange juice. Yes, that’s a thing in our house, especially for me, because pancakes are my all-time favorite food. After breakfast, we’re going to pile into the car and head down the Historic Columbus River Highway to our campsite. The only issue is that Dad is kind of out of it. He’s a lot more sluggish than usual and slept in, which he never does. He never misses birthday pancakes; he loves them as much as we do.
“If you aren’t feeling well, we can go another weekend,” I say, helping him clear the table. “I don’t mind hanging out at home.”
I’m fucking lying. I sure as shit care about staying home. I’ve been talking about this trip to my friends all week. I’m even missing a scrimmage against a rival hockey club to go on this trip, which I never do. I’ve been looking forward to this since we started planning weeks ago, but I’m not about to tell him that.
“You only turn fifteen once, Cooper. There is no way we’re canceling this trip to celebrate your birthday. It won’t be your birthday weekend next weekend, will it?”
“But, Dad…” I begin, but he cuts me off.
“No buts, son. We’re going on this trip, and we’re going to have an amazing time.” He throws his arm over my shoulder and pulls me in for a one-armed hug. “I promise, I’m fine.”
“Okay.” I force a smile before ducking from under his arm and searching the house for Momma.
When I find her, I tell her about my conversation with my dad, but she doesn’t seem concerned at all. “He’s probably tired. He’s been going into work early and taking overtime to make sure he could get off this weekend for our trip.”
She probably thought that was going to make me feel better, but it doesn’t. I hate that Dad has to work so hard just to go on a camping trip for my birthday. We don’t have to go. Nothing says I have to go camping for my birthday, although I really want to. A feeling of dread weighs down on my shoulders, urging me to march right back to Dad and tell him I changed my mind, but I doubt he’ll even believe me.
Neither of my parents has ever lied to me before. If Momma and Dad both say he’s fine, he’s probably fine. I’ll make sure to pay closer attention to how he is behaving for the rest of the weekend. If there’s something wrong, I’ll notice. Besides, if there is something seriously wrong with him, they’ll tell me. I need to put it out of my mind and help get the car loaded so we get out the door on time.
The trip to the campground is thankfully uneventful. We unpack the car and manage to get our campsite set up in record time. Kyle is turning five this year, but even though he insists he’s a big boy, Dad won’t let him come hiking with us. He isn’t very happy about being left behind, but Momma promised they’d go down to the river so he could play with some of the other kids camping nearby, and he seemed okay with that.
After making sure Momma and Kyle don’t need anything, Dad, Beau, Cole, and I head off for our hike, wanting to make it up the trail and back before dinnertime.
We’ve made this same hike to the falls numerous times, and Cole stops what feels like every few seconds to take pictures with the digital camera he got for his birthday. Beau is happy to tag along behind me, although he is an impatient little shit, but not in that self-centered way most teenagers are; he literally can’t stop moving. And I—this sounds cheesy as fuck—am having fun spending time with my family, but I never stop watching for any warning signs that something is off about Dad. Sure, he is moving a little slower than usual, taking breaks whenever Cole wants to get a picture of a new plant, but nothing too crazy. As we get closer to the falls, I finally relax. I’ve always been the worrier in the family, wanting to do everything I can to help, so I’m probably overreacting. Besides, I think Dad is about to lose it if I don’t stop hovering over him like he’s Kyle.
“Let’s take a break here for a little while,” I declare the moment we reach our destination.
“I want to go swimming.” Cole makes a beeline for the water.
Dad grabs him by the collar, halting his movements. “The water is freezing, champ. Also, you know we can’t swim here.”
“Maybe we can all go together when we get back to camp?” Beau suggests, always the peacekeeper.
“Sounds like a plan.” It is my birthday trip, after all, so what I say is law, obviously within reason.
“It’s settled. I’m going to sit down on the rocks over there and enjoy the view. You three stay out of trouble.”
We stay at the waterfall for an hour or so before our stomachs all rumble loudly, signaling we should probably head back to camp. Beau decides to lead us back down the mountain, talking about how many burgers he’s going to eat when we get back to camp, which obviously gets Cole going, as well. Those two are always trying to one-up each other, making competitions out of the dumbest things.
“There’s no way either of you can eat more than three burgers, so give it a rest. Why don’t you ever fight over how many vegetables you’re going to eat?”
Beau turns and glares at me, his nose wrinkling in disgust. “Because vegetables are gross.”
“Yeah,” Cole chimes in, not wanting to miss his chance to put in his two cents. “How about we see who can eat the most s’mores?”
“Heck, no. Do you remember how sick we got the last time we did that? It took months for me to forget that smell,” I shout as the two of them head further down the trail, putting more distance between us.
Usually, we all hike down the trail in a close single-file line, only a few feet between us, but not today. Dad is moving even slower on our trek down the mountain than on the way up. I stop more than a few times just to make sure I can still see him, and each time, he waves and tells me to keep an eye on my brothers.
“Dad, are you still doing okay back there?”
“Yes, Cooper.” Dad sighs. “If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were the parent during this trip.”
“Sorry,” I grumble, ducking my head slightly.
“Don’t apologize for looking out for your family. I can rest easy knowing you're around to keep everyone in line when I’m not. Now, let's keep going or there won’t be any food for us when we get back to camp because Beau and Cole will eat it all.”
We both laugh, knowing that’s a strong possibility before continuing down the trail. Beau and Cole continue coming up with the most insane ideas for competitions, even drawing me in for a few. I don’t know how much longer we hike down the trail before I hear the distinct sounds of the ground shifting. No, not an earthquake, more like a rockslide. Neither Beau nor Cole seems to hear a thing, continuing to argue as they head further down the trail, but I immediately spin around to search for Dad, but he isn't there. My eyes widen in horror as I backtrack, looking for any sign of him, but come up empty. I carefully peer over the side, hoping to see him, but I can’t see anything but the dense foliage. If he fell ... No, I know he went over the edge. I don’t know how I know. I just know.
Without missing a beat, I reach into my pocket to grab my cell and call for help, but there is no service. Not even a single bar. I need to get help up here fast, but what about Beau and Cole? I can’t leave them here, and I don’t want to panic them, either. They both have a tendency to overreact, going to the extreme when it’s usually something way less serious. If they knew Dad went over the edge…nope, I can’t tell them.
“Where’s Dad, Coop?” Beau asks, his chest rising and falling quickly. “We heard the rocks.”
Shit. I thought they didn’t hear a damn thing, but I was wrong. “He slipped and sprained his ankle. He said for us to head back to camp and call for help.”
“Why can’t you use your cell phone or the radio Dad carries in the backpack?”
“The entire pack went over the edge when he slipped, so we have to go get help.”
“I can stay…” one of them says but I cut them off. I don’t need to lose someone else on this trail. No one else is getting hurt, not on my watch.
“Dad told me to get you two back to camp. He didn’t want you to miss out on your hamburger eating contest.”
“If he’s sure.” Beau eyes me skeptically, gripping Cole’s hand tightly in his before heading back toward camp.
“I’m sure. Everything is fine, baby bro. Everything is fine.” I’ve never lied to my brothers before, but what else am I supposed to do? Dad said he trusts me to keep everything together when he isn’t around, and that’s what I’m going to do, by any means necessary.
We move as quickly as possible down the rest of the trail. I talk to Beau and Cole the entire way, asking them questions about school, hockey, and even girls. Anything to keep their minds focused on getting down the hill and not thinking about our dad.
The moment the campsite comes into view, the three of us take off at a sprint, heading straight for Momma. I don’t get a word out before she grips my face between her hands. “What happened?”
My eyes shift to the right, focusing on Beau and Cole. Both their eyes remain focused on me, waiting for me to tell everyone what happened. I should tell them the truth right now, but I don’t have to say anything. As usual, Momma just knows and springs into action.
“Beau, can you take Cole and Kyle back to the campsite? There are some snacks and cut-up fruit in the cooler. When your dad gets back, we’ll start the grill.”
Momma never takes her eyes off me as I watch Beau grab Cole’s and Kyle’s hands and lead them toward the camp. The minute they’re out of sight, I let the tears fall, collapsing into my mother's arms as we sink to the ground.
“Dad. He-He-He...” I keep trying to get the words out, but they won’t come. I can’t tell Momma that Dad fell off the cliffside. “He’s hurt.”
The minute the words are out of my mouth, she springs into action. With one arm still wrapped around me, she pulls out her phone and calls for help. At some point, the tears stop falling, and the numbness takes over. I sit there in Momma’s arms, my eyes shut tightly so I can block out the world. People are talking all around me, but I have no idea what they’re saying, and I don’t care.
“Okay. Cooper, I need you to go take care of your brothers.”
“But I need to come with you. I need to make sure…”
Momma plants a kiss on my forehead before pulling me tightly into her arms. “I need you to take care of them. Can you do that for me? I can’t help look for Dad if I’m worried about you four.”
With that, I force myself to stand and head toward our campsite. The minute Beau catches sight of me, he takes off back toward Momma. I should tell him to stop and come back. That Momma put me in charge and asked me to watch over them, but I don’t have the strength. My body moves on autopilot as I open the cooler and start pulling out food. I don’t know what I hand Cole and Kyle to eat, but neither one of them complain. Each of them eats everything I hand them, probably sensing there is something wrong. After they eat, I help them get ready for bed, reading Kyle a bedtime story before they go to sleep.
The temperature at the campsite drops as the sun disappears behind the horizon, and I start a fire, wanting to make sure my brothers don’t get cold while sleeping. I take a seat right in front of their tent, eyes focused on the glowing flames. I don’t know how long I sit there, waiting for Momma, Beau, and Dad to come back.
Dad is going to be so embarrassed about slipping and spraining his ankle. He never likes to show weakness to any of us. He is our rock, the center of our family. Nothing bad can ever happen to him. It couldn’t. Everything has to be fine. There is no other option.
“Cooper Owen Hendrix.” I jump to my feet at the sound of my momma’s voice.
She used my full name, so I know I’m in trouble. She is probably furious that I let Beau take off after her, but I couldn’t chase after him and watch Cole and Kyle at the same time.
I open my mouth, ready to explain to her what happened, but decide against it. “Yes, ma'am.”
A cacophony of sound assaults my senses the moment the words are out of my mouth. People are shouting directions and pointing toward the mountain while the night sky lights up with blue and red flashing lights. How long have I been sitting here? I remember tucking Cole and Kyle into bed right before the sun set, which is about 7:30 this time of year, and now it’s pitch black. The fire I made is nonexistent, not even a few orange embers alive within.
“Cole and Kyle ate dinner and are sleeping in the tent. I started the fire, but…it went out. I’m sorry.” I drop my head to my chest, waiting for my dad to start in on me about responsibilities, but no one says a word. I just sit there, waiting for someone to yell at me for messing up and forgetting to stoke the fire, but it never comes.
When I look up, I notice Momma’s face is covered in tears, and Beau’s body is wrapped around hers. His face is buried in her side, his shoulders shaking slightly. It’s at that moment I know nothing will ever be the same.
“He’s gone, isn’t he?” I choke out, my throat clogged with emotions. I can’t lose it, not yet.
“Yes. He’s gone,” Momma whispers before dropping to the ground, bringing Beau down with her and sobbing uncontrollably.
My body springs into action as I crawl toward her, wrapping my arms around her and Beau and squeezing them tightly, knowing in my soul that this is my role now. My dad was the center of our family, the person holding us all together, and now it is my job.
My purpose in life changed forever that day. I had a responsibility to this family. I needed to take care of my mother and brothers the same way Dad would’ve if he were still here. It was the one thing he knew I would do when he wasn’t around, and I’ll be damned if I fail.
Through the years, everyone tried to tell me that this was a freak accident, that it could have happened to anyone, but I knew the truth. I knew there was something off about him before we left that day. It was my birthday and my word was law. All I had to do was speak up and say that I wanted to stay home. That I wanted to go to a Timberwolves game and have Momma make my favorites for dinner. Anything that stopped us from going up that trail because if we had just stayed at home, Dad would still be here.
I jump in surprise as someone lays their hand on my shoulder. “Coop?”
I blink a few times, trying to get rid of all the memories from that day. “What’s up?”
“Don’t what’s up me, asshole,” Alise snarls, plopping down on the bench beside me. “I’ve been texting you nonstop, and then I come into the locker room to find you sitting in the damn dark like a lunatic.”
I don’t say a word as I pat the bench beside me in search of my phone, but Alise beats me to it. “Here you go, genius.”
“You could have at least waited for me to unlock my phone,” I grumble, opening my recent text thread with her.
Lissy Loo Loo
Where the hell are you?
Lissy Loo Loo
You said you were coming right out. Did you forget?
Lissy Loo Loo
Cooper. Answer me.
Lissy Loo Loo
Okay. This is your last chance. If you don’t answer in the next thirty seconds, I’m coming into the locker room.
Shit. How long have I been sitting here in the dark, spiraling because of some random thing my high school hockey coach said in passing? Any normal human would have smiled and said thanks, but I’m sitting in the locker room in the dark. “You know you can’t just barge in here like that. This is the men’s locker room you know.”
I push to my feet, pain shooting through my leg reminding me that I probably came back here for ice. I creep around the locker room. It's not much different from an NHL locker room, although a little smaller. There are rows of lockers covering the outside wall for the kids to store their things during games, each one colored black with a green plate in the center for the managers to write the players' names on game day. Each player brings their personal gear home, but their jerseys will hang in the lockers, ready for them to hit the ice on game day.
“I shouted your name before I even came in here. I’m loud, so if there was someone else in here, which I already knew there wasn’t, they’d have covered up anything important.”
Alise pulls her headphones off, allowing them to rest around her neck as she comes toward me. Just by the look in her eyes, I know she’s going to ask something I don’t want to answer. “Did you apologize to Ramona for me? I didn’t mean to make her worry.”
Alise’s eyes widen in horror. “Fuck! I forgot about Ramona!” She rushes past me toward the door, but I grip her wrist, pulling her to a stop. “Coop. I need you to let me the fuck go right this minute.”
“Not until you explain to me what’s going on. Why are you so worried about her?”
None of this makes sense. I understand being upset that your friend disappeared on you. She’s probably a little pissed at me because I told her I’d be back out there in a minute. I intended to go back out there, but my brief trip down memory lane had other ideas. Either way, why would Alise coming to find me without telling Ramona be a big deal?
“Because I left her. I left her because I was worried about you, and she had no idea.” Alise pulls her arm from my grasp and storms toward the door, but I follow her. I just want to know what’s going on. The last thing I want to do is hurt someone with my bullshit, especially someone I barely know.
“I don’t understand. Text her and tell her you're in the locker room. We can head right back out there and explain what happened.”
Alise barges out of the locker room door, practically sprinting down the hallway toward the exit to the front part of the rink.
“You don’t get it,” Alise huffs before spinning around, poking me in the chest with her finger. “She literally can’t deal with people disappearing or leaving? without saying goodbye. She did it once and, well, let's just say she hasn’t recovered.”
“Recovered.” I recoil, trying to make sense of what Alise is telling me. I hurt Beauty just by not coming back on the ice? This beauty who, by looking at me, made me think of what life could be like after hockey. Did I ruin this, too, without even knowing it? I should’ve known I wouldn’t be allowed to have anything. I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve her because that’s what I do: destroy things. “What can I do?”
“Nothing,” she says before wrapping her arms around me. “There’s no point in you going out to the meeting. It's probably over by now. Just head home and text me when you get there.”
After planting a gentle kiss on my cheek, she sprints back toward the bleachers. I would love nothing more than to head back out to the bleachers with her and make sure Ramona is okay. Then I’ll apologize to Coach James for bailing on the meeting and figure out a way to make it up to him. But I turn in the opposite direction and head out the door into the night.
No matter how badly I want to make things better for everyone, I always ruin things. I need to stick to playing hockey and taking care of my family. That’s been my purpose since the night we lost Dad. I’m so close to making everything perfect again.