Chapter 34 – Cooper
Chapter Thirty-Four
Cooper
M y eyelids flutter open before I clamp them tightly shut against the bright light streaming through the window. “Fuck.” I groan, rolling onto my stomach, searching for my beauty.
I sit up straight in the bed, my eyes scanning the room for any signs of where she went, but come up empty. I swing my legs over the side of the bed and do a double take when I see the time on the clock. 10:30? I haven’t slept past 8:30 a.m. in over a decade. I must have been exhausted after everything that happened last night.
I never wanted Ramona to see the side of me that wasn’t completely 100 percent in control. I wouldn’t say I’m a control freak, but how can I expect someone to rely on me to protect them when I can’t even stop myself from having a simple panic attack?
Instead of running in the other direction, she dove right in, wrapping me in her arms and reminding me that everything was okay. I saw in her eyes how broken she was after I said we needed to break up, but a determination to rival even my own quickly replaced it.
When we finally came up for air, we talked more about what happened with Annamarie and came up with a plan together on how to deal with her. Her plan isn’t much different from my own, but we’ll be together when we do it.
My phone lights up with a text message as I swipe it off the nightstand and head into the bathroom. I place it on the counter as I grab my toothbrush from the holder and turn on the faucet. I smile to myself at the purple toothbrush Beauty put there the last time she spent the weekend with me.
“I’m sick of using my fingers to brush my teeth,” she griped before dropping the toothbrush into the holder next to mine, where it’s lived ever since.
My cell buzzes loudly, vibrating so much that it falls off the counter onto the floor. I unlock the phone, the entire screen is covered with message notifications from Alise, Momma, Remy, and Beau. “What the hell is going on?”
As quickly as I swipe the notifications, more fill the screen. I even have a missed call from Ms. King. My entire body tenses as I drop my phone, running out of the bedroom and screaming Beauty’s name at the top of my lungs.
“Beauty! Ramona, are you here?” I check every room in the front of the house and the kitchen, noticing that the small kitchen table is set for two. Glasses of orange juice and milk sit to the right of each place setting.
I chuckle to myself, my heartbeat slowing down to a normal rate. Ramona had a fit when she found out Momma still does all of my cooking and vowed she’s going to make sure I have a fresh meal whenever she’s here. I’m guessing she decided to start today with breakfast.
Just then, I hear my phone ringing in the bathroom, and I jog back in that direction. The sense of urgency to find her is gone. She probably went to the store around the corner to find something she wanted to add to dinner. My fridge is stocked with almost every condiment the average person has, but of course, she could find that one missing ingredient I don’t have, which would ruin everything if she didn’t have it.
I grab my phone and answer, noticing that it’s the front desk. “Hey, Stanley. How was your Christmas?”
“Mr. Cooper. It’s Ms. Ramona. I tried to warn her about the reporters, but she just ran right out the door. I-I’m so sorry, Mr. Cooper,” Stanley stammers into the phone.
“What’s wrong with Ramona?” I shout into the phone as I pace the bathroom and inhale deeply through my nose before blowing it out of my mouth.
I need to keep my composure. There’s a strong chance that she’s fine. She’s sitting there at the front desk and someone, not Stanley, is there. They’re just calling to confirm that she’s on the approved list. No, I know that is not possible. I physically watched Stanley add her to my approved visitors’ list. Even if a new guy is at the desk, she knows to give them her name so she can come right up.
“The ambulance took her to OHSU hospital because she was unconscious. She hit her head pretty hard on the ground. I found a phone in her pocket but no identification. I told them you’d meet her at the emergency room as soon as you could. I also called the number listed under Ma . The woman on the other end said she’d get here as quickly as she could.”
“Ambulance?” I croak, my throat clogged with emotions as I imagine my beauty lying on the cold concrete, her face looking peaceful, as if she were sleeping. The only sign she isn’t is the pool of blood beneath her temple where she hit her head.
Annamarie said I was going to regret rebuffing her advances, but I didn’t listen to her. She paid a child with the video game system he wanted. It isn’t a far leap to think she paid someone to harm Ramona. To make sure she’s no longer in her way, leaving me heartbroken and alone in the world.
“Yes. Mr. Cooper? Mr. Cooper?” The sound of Stanley’s voice gets softer and softer as the phone clatters to the floor. I grip the bathroom counter tightly in my hands, barely keeping my body from joining the phone on the floor.
It’s happening all over again. Just like Dad, fate has chosen to make me pay for my selfishness, but this time, it cost me so much more. Guttural sounds echo through the bathroom as I search for its origin before glimpsing my reflection in the mirror and realizing the sound is coming from me.
It’s all my fault. Everything is always my fault.
Those words play through my mind for the millionth time, reminding me I deserve all of this. The pain, the soul-crushing sorrow that I’ll never be rid of. Losing my beauty will haunt me for the rest of my life. I should never have dared to hope that I’d be blessed to find my other half, not after what I’ve taken from the people I care about.
I smash my fist into the mirror in front of me, glass raining down around me, but I don’t stop. I lift my other hand and smash it into the mirror before following it with the other. I pound out all my frustrations into that mirror, my hatred for the broken man staring back at me.
My fault. My fault. My fault.
I usually beg for the numbness to take hold, but it never does. A million different emotions feed my anger as I pound my fist into the mirror one last time, smashing right through the back and sinking into the drywall.
My fault. My fault. My fault.
“My fault. My fault. My fault.” I parrot the voice in my head, banging my fists into the wall. Glass scrapes along my skin, and deep red liquid slides down my forearm, leaving droplets all over my bright white counters. This is my penance for depriving the world of Ramona’s smile.
Angry tears stream down my face as my knees buckle, crashing my kneecaps into the hard floor. There’s a soft ringing in my ears as my mind registers the pain. I look down at my arms, pieces of broken glass sticking out all over my skin. The red of my blood runs down my forearms to my elbows before dripping onto the floor. The pool on the floor gets bigger and bigger until my eyes droop shut. A part of me wants to fight to remain conscious, but I don’t have the will to fight anymore.
“Cooper!” Beau’s muffled voice has me jolting up right from my place on the floor. “Cooper, if you don’t answer me.”
“In here?” I groan, every muscle in my body screaming in pain as I stand. Fuck! I pick up my foot. There’s a small cut on the bottom of my foot, a few tiny shards of glass sticking out of it. My head scans the area, seeing different-sized pieces of glass littering the floor around me. “Grab me a pair of shoes while you’re at it.”
“A pair of—what the fuck happened in here, Cooper?” Beau’s eyes widen in horror as he takes in the surrounding mess. I don’t say a word, my head dropping to my chest in defeat. I’m unsure what to say to him. How to explain what he’s seeing.
A pair of black Hunter rain boots land on the floor in front of me. “Do you need help putting them on?”
I shake my head no, slowly getting off the floor and easing my feet into the boots. My shoulder aches badly from where I’ve been lying on it. Shards of glass impale my shoulder, no doubt from me lying on them for lord knows how long.
“How did you know to come?” The glass crunches under my feet as I make my way toward the door. Beau steps to the side, making sure not to touch any of the jagged pieces of glass as I pass by.
“When you didn’t answer Stanley on the phone, he called me. I gave Alise the keys to my Jeep and told her we’d meet her at the hospital.”
He disappears into the bathroom. I can hear him rummaging around in the cabinet before he comes back with a small cup that matches the other knick-knacks on the counter, tweezers, a bottle of isopropyl alcohol, and the towel hanging from the hook beside the sink.
Neither one of us speaks to each other as he pulls pieces of glass from my skin, starting on my shoulder. The only sound in the room is the plinking of the glass as it drops into the cup. I try not to move a muscle as he finishes with my shoulder and moves to my forearm. The skin rips further as he digs some of the deeper pieces free.
“Some of these are going to need stitches. I’ll clean them up the best I can.”
I nod, wincing as he pours alcohol directly onto my bruised and damaged skin.
“What the fuck were you thinking, Cooper? You punched your way through a fucking mirror.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry? You’re fucking sorry?” He growls, twisting the cap onto the bottle before dropping it to the floor. “Do you have any idea how I felt seeing you like that? Seeing my big brother, who has always conquered the world for me, broken and bleeding on his bathroom floor?”
“I’m sorry,” I repeat, not knowing what else to say to him. Maybe this is just more penance from the universe.
I let my brother down yesterday. Instead of backing him up when he went after Crosby at practice, I berated him for sticking up for our family. Sure, I’d made sure that Coach didn’t come down too hard on him, but I can see in his eyes that he’d take a million days of suspension if it meant knowing in his heart that he could depend on me to support him, no matter what. Like a big brother should. And now he’s finally discovered my dirty little secret. He knows that I’m weak and can’t protect the people I care about most in the world.
“Fuck you, Coop.” He pulls his arm back and swings, just missing my chin.
“If you want to hit me, hit me. I deserve it. I did it again. I let my selfishness get the better of me, and the universe has taken something important from me again.”
“What the hell are you going on about?”
“This is just like Dad all over again. If I hadn’t made a big deal about going on the camping trip, he’d still be here.”
“Cooper. It’s not your fault Dad died.” Tears pool in his eyes as he begs for me to listen to him, but I know better.
“Yes, it was. I know his fall was an accident, but if we hadn’t been up there… The only reason we were on the mountain that day is because I wouldn’t let it go. I had to go on my birthday camping trip.”
“No. Cooper. Didn’t anyone ever tell you?”
“Tell me what?”
I remember everything that happened the day Dad died. It’s been ingrained in my mind since that night. I remember what we had for breakfast and what color the shirt Dad had on that day. How could there be anything I missed?
“Dad died of a heart attack. Yes, he fell from the cliff when he slipped, but only after he had the heart attack. He was dead before his body even went over the edge.”
“No.” I vaguely remember someone saying something about it being an accident and it was probably his time, but right until this moment, I never processed it.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. I heard Mom telling Aunt Peggy herself. You know how much I loved to eavesdrop when we were younger.”
Even if it wasn’t completely my fault about Dad, I did this to Ramona. No matter how he swings it, she is hurt because of me. He grabs both of my arms, lifting them so the glass creates tiny prisms on my walls.
“You need to stop fucking beating yourself up about things you couldn’t control. It’s not your fault Dad had a heart attack. It's not your fault someone leaked a bullshit story to the press that there was some love triangle between the three of us, along with your home address.”
Someone called the paps? Motherfucker. Annamarie said I’d regret turning her down. I assumed she’d do something drastic, like going after Ramona directly, but I should’ve known that’s not her style. Annamarie loves to work behind the scenes, making sure that nothing short of a taped confession can link her to the crime.
“Were you trying to hurt yourself?” Beau lets my hands go, taking a seat on the edge of the bed again and motioning for me to follow him.
I sink down onto the bed, raising my arm so he can continue removing the pieces of glass. “I don’t know.”
I answer him honestly. I’m so tired of fighting to hide the demons that lurk in my mind. Beau reminding me that my father’s death wasn’t slightly my fault has me wondering what else I got wrong. Is there anything else lurking in the shadows of my mind that is stopping me from moving forward? I originally thought my beauty was lighting up my life, chasing the demons away, but they keep coming back. Maybe it’s finally my time to put in the work and become better for not only myself, but Ramona, as well.
“I think I need to go back to therapy.”
“I agree.” He continues picking the glass from my skin, cleaning each area as he goes. We don’t say anything else to each other, both of us trying to process everything that happened today.
The final shard falls into the cup, and Beau leans back, turning each arm left and right to make sure he didn’t miss any pieces. “I’ll grab the first aid kit out of the kitchen and wrap your arms with the gauze. We’ll have to have someone check them out when we go to see Ramona.”
“Is she okay?” Shame settles on my shoulder again for what happened, but I don’t give in. The struggle to keep my head from sinking into the darkness is hard, but I stay present as he checks his phone.
“Alise just texted. Ramona has a concussion, a dislocated shoulder, and a sprained ankle, but other than that, everything is going to be okay.”
Every muscle in my body relaxes as I fall back onto the bed. “Thank fuck.”
Throwing my arms over my eyes, I allow the tears to fall. Beau doesn’t say a word, just lays his hand on my shoulder and allows me the time I need to regain my composure. His phone chimes in his lap, and he laughs loudly. “Alise said, and I quote, ‘If Cooper is doing any of his pussy-ass whiny bitch shit, tell him to man up. Our girl needs him.’”
“That sounds like something she’d say.” I sniffle, turning my head to look at Beau. “I need to call Remy and see what the fuck is going on.”
“Here. Read this. I’ll clean up the bathroom and grab your phone. You can talk to him while I bandage your arms.”
I take the phone from him and look at the headline Hockey Love Triangle Erupts into On-Ice Fight centered over three pictures of Beau and Ramona hugging at the arena, the two of us locked in a passionate kiss, and a grainy photo of the fight that broke out during practice. From the way the photo is framed, it looks like Beau is taking a swing at me and not Crosby. My eyes fly down the page, reading lie after lie that Annamarie has framed perfectly to paint Beauty as a homewrecker of epic proportions.
“That’s the tamest of the articles that have popped up all over the internet.” Beau grabs his phone, replacing it with mine before grabbing the gauze wrap from the first aid kit. “I’m not sure if this is enough, but it’ll have to work until we can get a professional to look at them.”
I swipe my thumb across my phone and scroll through my missed calls until I find the one I’m looking for, a plan forming in my mind. I was planning to make this a private event with just Beauty and me, but this changes everything. First, I have to run things by Remy, but then I need to see Ramona and tell her everything. Absolutely everything. No more secrets or half truths. It’s time my beauty learns my darkest secret.