Chapter Seven #2
She patted her mum’s arm. ‘I’ll eat something later.
I promise. I just don’t have a big appetite in the morning.
’ Or anytime, she added silently, though she had definitely made the effort to eat more since being home.
Pulling on her coat and slipping on her boots, she followed her dad out to the car.
‘Where are we off to then?’ asked Jessica, strapping herself in. ‘I thought you normally went to a garden centre to get your tree.’
‘There’s a place we’ve been going to the past few years. I’m sure I must have told you about it.’
Jessica felt the twinge of guilt. She was sure her mum would have told her but she didn’t remember.
‘You actually get to cut your own Christmas tree. Did you bring the gloves?’ she asked Angus suddenly, who nodded. ‘So yes, as I was saying, you get to choose the tree that you want and cut it down.’
‘Oh. That’s a bit different,’ said Jessica, not ever imagining that she would be doing this with her parents at her age. But she told herself this could be fun. This could help her to recapture the sparkle and optimism of Christmas.
‘It’s quite the trend,’ said Catriona. ‘Especially at the weekends, with hot chocolate and food vans. Hopefully it shouldn’t be too busy today, with it being during the week, but you just never can tell.’
Jessica looked out the window, admiring the scenery they drove past, the loch on the left and fields on the right.
There was something mesmerising about just staring at the stretch of water and then over at the patchwork of varying shades of brown and green.
It was frosty out and the road shimmered.
There was a slash of blue sky amid the clouds and the sun was trying to break through.
‘How does it feel to be home?’ Her mum turned to look at her in the back of the car.
‘Hmm. Strange. Familiar. But nice.’ She was aware her voice was flat and she tried to inject some enthusiasm into it. ‘It’s so peaceful here, isn’t it, and just what I need, Mum. Thanks for asking me to do this with you.’
‘It will be lovely and it will be so good to have the house all ready and decorated for when Lexi gets here. I know how much you used to love decorating the tree when you were younger. That’s why I left it until you got home. I didn’t think you’d mind.’
Jessica smiled at her mum.
‘Here we are,’ said Angus, indicating right and turning into a small track with a sign advertising the Christmas trees.
A few moments later, they had parked, and her dad strode ahead, keen to lead the way on the tree hunt. Her mum walked more slowly today and linked arms with Jessica.
‘Dad and I have been so worried about you. We are very glad you’re home with us.’
Jessica felt tears smarting in her eyes and another flash of guilt that she hadn’t been home for so long. ‘I know you have and I’m sorry. But honestly, I’m fine. Just a bit fed up with everything.’ She couldn’t keep this up. At some point her mum would want to know more.
Her mum looked sideways at her as they walked along. ‘You know if you need to chat you can. I would hate you to think that you were on your own and couldn’t tell us. It doesn’t matter what age you are, Jessica. We’re always here for you, dear.’
Jessica sighed and closed her eyes briefly, wondering if she could open up and tell her mum what had happened.
Part of her longed to be a little girl again, who would run to her mum in tears, knowing she would make everything better again.
‘Work has been tough this year and it’s all just kind of got on top of me.
’ She shrugged. ‘There have been some problematic clients.’
‘It’s a stressful job, isn’t it? And you do work all the time, dear. There’s not much fun for you.’
That was so true. When did she last feel joy?
She remembered the fizzing excitement she felt in New York last year when she got out the taxi at the hotel, and then the bubble of anticipation as she got ready for her date with Tim.
Even during the walk to the bar she had been brimming with excitement.
Then she remembered, all too viscerally, the disappointment and shock and utter heartbreak that came afterwards.
‘Och, will you look at him?’ said Catriona, tilting her head in the direction of Angus. ‘Looks like he’s trying to land an aircraft the way he’s throwing his arms around there. Honestly. What is he like?’
Jessica looked up as they walked through the trees and towards her dad, who was waving his arms wildly at them. She managed a small chuckle. ‘He’s taking it all very seriously.’ Then she turned and looked at her mum as she took one of Jessica’s hands in hers and gave it a squeeze.
‘Honestly, Mum. I just needed a break from London and from work.’ From everything, she said silently.
‘Well, you know it’s okay to feel sad at times. You don’t need to feel happy all of the time. It’s okay to talk about your feelings. You’re only human after all. We all are.’
Jessica was grateful that her parents had always been open with their feelings — but perhaps too open. It had the opposite effect on her. She had always been very private.
‘Will you two hurry up?’ shouted her dad. He was still waving his hands at them. ‘I’ve found the perfect tree.’
‘Come on, we’d better up the pace,’ her mum said, pulling at Jessica’s hand. ‘There is no need to bellow, Angus. We can hear you and see you. In fact, I think the folk on top of Ben Lomond can probably hear you as well.’
‘Stop exaggerating. Anyway,’ he said, his eyes sparkling in triumph, ‘this is an absolute beauty and someone else might get it.’
‘Who’s going to get it? You’re holding onto it for dear life and it’s still got its roots in the ground. And the place is empty,’ said her mum, throwing her palms in the air in exasperation.
‘Oh, Dad,’ said Jessica. ‘I am so glad you’ve not lost your competitive spirit.’
‘I will have you know that last year I found the perfect tree. It was an absolute belter. The perfect height and shape.’ He looked almost dreamy as though he was describing a lost love.
‘Then that wee numpty captain from the golf course steamed in and cut it down in front of me because you had the gloves and were taking so long.’ He threw Catriona an accusatory glance.
‘Okay,’ said Jessica as smoothly as possible, drawing on her best mediating skills. ‘It looks like we are the only folk here, Dad, so I think it will be fine. I don’t think you need to worry about it happening again. Mum, did you bring the gloves from the car?’
She clasped her hands over her mouth and gasped dramatically. ‘No, I forgot.’
‘Och,’ muttered Angus in disgust. ‘See what I mean. And it looks like a bus load of folk have just arrived.’ He jerked his head back towards the car park.
There were only two more cars than when they had parked ten minutes ago. Her dad had always been prone to exaggeration.
‘Angus, I’m winding you up. You would think you’d know that of me by now. We’ve only been married for forty years.’
Angus looked as though he was about to retort, but Jessica glanced at him and shook her head. Fortunately, he clamped his mouth shut, realising it was better to say no more.
‘Right, here you go. Here are the gloves, dear,’ said Catriona sweetly, handing them to him.
Jessica watched as he pulled the gardening gloves on as though he was about to perform life-saving surgery in a hospital theatre. Catriona glanced beyond Jessica and grinned. ‘Oh, look who’s here. He’s made it after all. Marvellous. Cooee. Over here!’ she yelled loudly.
‘Hey, guys,’ said a voice behind them.
Jessica groaned. Seriously? He was the last person she wanted to see.
But as she turned, she felt her cheeks flame as she took in the sight that was Reuben.
He wore black jeans and boots and an actual lumberjack jacket which would usually have had her chuckling as it was so clichéd for the setting.
But he looked extremely good in it. Red and navy were obviously his colours, and he looked as though he was modelling for an outdoor clothing company.
She half-expected him to have his axe with him for chopping wood.
Why did he have to be so . . . manly? She managed to drag her eyes away from him before he clocked her staring.
‘Hi, Jessie,’ he said with a grin.
‘Isn’t this lovely? I’m so glad you made it.’ Catriona turned to Jessica. ‘I did offer to get a tree for the cottage as well but Reuben said it was on his to-do list today anyway.’
‘Oh,’ said Jessica, nodding and trying to look relaxed and nonplussed by his presence.
He nodded at the group and grinned at Jessica before turning his attentions to Angus with a chuckle. ‘Don’t worry, Angus. I can see that one is yours. I’m not going to cut it down and take it from you. You can stop holding onto it as though you’re about to take it for a jig.’
‘I’m taking no chances, pal,’ he said jokingly. ‘Not after last year.’
‘Please don’t start with that again,’ said Catriona, rolling her eyes. ‘Now, Angus, let’s crack on and get the tree sorted before you raise your blood pressure any more. Jess, maybe you can help Reuben get the tree for Primrose Cottage?’
Jessica’s eyes widened in horror at her mum, who was now busying herself with her dad.
Annoyingly, her mum had always had a way of making friendly suggestions that you knew were a directive, and there was no arguing with her.
But the last thing she wanted to do was be left alone with Reuben.
She just knew he was going to be as annoying as ever.
She tried to catch her dad’s eye, but he was seemingly fascinated by the pine needles on his prized tree that he was now stroking.
Hesitating for a moment, she swivelled her glance to Reuben.
He was looking at her, with a look she couldn’t quite fathom but which quickly switched to amusement.
‘Er, okay, if you feel you need help?’ she said drily.
‘Absolutely. I would love it if you could come and help me choose a tree, Jessie. It will be fun.’
Her mum looked on approvingly. ‘Wonderful. It’s just like old times.’
Jessica managed not to shake her head in disgust. Old times? When they were younger she had frequently wanted to batter him.
‘Right you two, off you go. We’ll see you back at the car.’ Then her mum turned away to help Angus.
‘Let’s find a tree you think your wee niece will absolutely love,’ said Reuben.
‘Sure.’ Jessica was trying to keep her voice steady. ‘Lead the way. But before we do, can I ask you something?’
‘Anything,’ he said, raising an eyebrow.
‘Please stop calling me Jessie.’