25. Ed
25
ED
“Y ou taking this?” Marcus holds up the wilted peace lily. The flowers have dropped off, and the leaves are curled up and brown at the edges. “Or should I chuck it?”
Marcus turned up uninvited twenty minutes ago. I was hoping to slip out of town quietly. The only person who knew I was leaving this morning was Joel. Still, it’s nice having the company as I pack my meager belongings into the pickup.
Marcus heads over to the trash can, and before I can reach him he opens the lid and dumps the plant on top of the other trash I cleared out from the house.
He turns around to find me close behind him and takes a step back at my expression. “Sorry bro. Didn’t think you’d want a dead plant.”
He skirts around the other side of my pickup while I rescue the plant from the trash.
I should throw it away. There’s no place for a dying house plant where I’m going, but I can’t bring myself to throw away the housewarming gift Avery gave me.
I’ve seen her a few times in the week since the auction. It’s hard not to when she lives across the road. She said hello in a clipped voice, and that’s about it. I’ve lost the warmth of her smile.
I glance up at her window for the hundredth time today, and her curtains remain closed.
I had hoped to at least say goodbye, but maybe it’s better this way.
My chest constricts, and I grab the back of my pickup for support. Leaving is supposed to be easy, but this is worse than anything I ever did as a SEAL.
I wonder for the hundredth time if I’m doing the right thing. I didn’t realize how much I’d hurt Avery until the night of the auction. I’m an ass for how I treated her. Even if I could stay, she’d never forgive me.
A red pickup turns into the street, and I recognize Joel behind the wheel. He’s got his two girls in the back, and I hear them squabbling before he even stops the truck.
He turns to them in the back seat and says something too quiet for me to hear, but it has the right effect. They both go quiet, and when they get out of the car, the youngest goes around and hugs him around the waist. Her wide eyes stare up at him.
A pang reverberates through my heart at the open display of love for her father. I don’t know how Joel does it. Raising two kids on your own can’t be easy, but it’s clear the girls love their dad.
An ache settles in my chest, and I think of Avery and all the things I’ll never give her.
“We’ve had the figures come in from the auction,” Joel says. “We smashed our target. People paid a lot more than anything was worth, and there were extra donations for the center. It’s enough to get us through the next phase of the build and then some.”
He grins and offers me his hand. “I appreciate what you did, Ed. It’s a tremendous help.”
“And the fundraising page,” pipes up his eldest daughter.
She’s leaning against his pickup with her phone in her hand. She doesn’t even look up from the screen. “One video went viral.”
Joel glances at his daughter. “Donations are rolling in thanks to Dana and her internet magic.”
Dana lifts her gaze from her phone just long enough to roll her eyes. “It’s not magic Dad; it’s just social media.”
I shake Joel’s hand. It’s great to know some good came out of all this.
“There’s still a place for you if you want to stay,” he says.
But I shake my head. I’ve made up my mind. I love Avery, I can admit that to myself now, but that means releasing her is the right thing to do.
“Go wait in the car,” he says to his youngest girl, and she scampers off, flicking her sister’s arm along the way.
Joel takes my arm, and we walk a ways down the street out of earshot of the girls and of Marcus. “I got sight of that report I was telling you about.”
Joel must have pulled some pretty big strings to get intel. He still has contacts on the inside and likes to stay informed. “Jake knew there was a grenade in the hut, Ed.”
I take in what he’s saying and give him a questioning look, wondering how he can know that.
“The eyewitness account from the other operatives say he gave a hand signal just after your radio call, the signal for explosives. He knew what he was walking into, and he went in anyway.
“It means that thing you were worried about, it’s not your fault. Not at all. You did everything right.”
I stop walking and stand stock still. For the last nine months, I’ve lived with the crushing guilt that I’m responsible for Jake’s death. If what Joel says is true, then he heard my radio call.
But then why did he go in knowing there were explosives?
It’s as if Joel has read my mind, or more likely has the same question. “I don’t know why he went in.”
My mind reels. Why would Jake do that?
“One of the guys saw him enter the house, and then there was shouting and the explosion. The blast took out the target.”
But it also took out Jake. Did he sacrifice himself to take down the target?
The scene plays in my mind. The moment I saw Jake move, I darted out of my position to pull him back, and the hut exploded as I reached the door.
The blast threw me back against a tree, and a piece of corrugated iron from the roof bashed into my jaw so hard it dislocated it and destroyed my nerve endings.
I rub my jaw as the old ache flares up.
“We’ll never know why he went in,” Joel says. “But you’re in the clear. He heard you; he passed the message on to the other operatives. And he chose to go in there. Ed, it wasn’t your fault.”
Calm settles over me. I should feel relief, but the report throws up more questions. Why would Jake do that? Why would he walk into harm’s way?
I think about the box of letters Avery and I found in the chest by his bed. My instinct was to burn them. They’re his private letters. But now I’m curious as to what they might reveal about the man whose final actions were either an act of bravery or a stupid mistake.
I glance up to Avery’s window, and I’m sure the curtain twitches.
Joel follows my gaze. “This is confidential, and I won’t be sharing it with the family. They don’t expect to learn the details, and this isn’t something I want to share.”
He claps me on the shoulder. “Did you patch things up with Avery before you leave?”
I shake my head.
Joel gives me a disappointed look. “She might not be here when you come back, Ed. You don’t get to walk away from a girl like Avery and expect her to still be single when you come back.”
My hands clinch into fists at the thought of Avery with another man. A deep rumble comes out of my throat. Then I turn away. I have no claim on her. I have no right to be jealous, but it doesn’t stop me seething.
A black SUV turns into the road, and I recognize Hudson behind the wheel.
He parks up outside my house and I walk back, surprised to see him. I thought I could slip out of town and no one would notice.
“You didn’t think I’d let you leave without saying goodbye?”
Hudson holds out a hand, but when I go to shake it, he pulls me into a bear hug.
“I’ll miss your silent presence on the building site.”
“Your creepy as fuck presence more like,” chimes in Marcus. “Gives me fucking nightmares.”
I try to form the words for some clever banter, but all that comes out is a grunt.
The three men lean on my pickup and talk about the work that has to be done for the center. “I’ve got a name,” Joel says. “Jake’s Retreat.”
The guys go silent as we remember our fallen comrade. The man I thought I knew whose last acts on this earth are still a mystery.
I nod my head in Joel’s direction. It’s a fitting tribute for a man who I’m realizing I never really knew.
I glance up at the house he left me, the men standing around, and the closed curtain of Avery’s room. A strange feeling descends on me.
I thought Jake left me the house out of pity. Because he knew my background, he knew I had nothing, and he wanted me to sell it and use the money. But what if I got it wrong?
What if Jake left me the house to give me a place to belong? What if he meant me to stay, and be a part of his family, and be a part of this team of ragtag ex-SEALs trying to do some good in the world?
What if the legacy Jake left me was to give me a home? Not just a house, a proper place to call home.
Maybe I’ve got it all wrong. Maybe Avery’s right. I’m a coward. I’m leaving because it’s all I know. It’s what I’ve learned people do. Leaving is the easy way out. It’s familiar, and I know how to do it. But what if I stayed?
The thought hits me like a ton of bricks. My chest constricts, and fear and excitement courses through my veins.
I’m terrified I’ll let Avery down and leave her like my parents did to me. But by leaving now, that’s exactly what I’m doing. I reinvented myself when I joined the Navy and became a SEAL. I can reinvent myself again. I can become the kind of man who sticks around. I can do it for Avery because I love her, and if I leave this town, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.
The guys are talking about building plans and the perfect temperature to pour concrete. But their voices zone out as a vision comes into my head. A vision where I’m right there with them, building the center, Jake’s Retreat, and coming home every night to Avery.
Sticking around means never giving up on those you love, and I’m not giving up on Avery. She doesn’t want to speak to me now. But I’m not going to leave. I’m going to stay right here, in the house Jake left me, and prove to her I can change. That I can be a man who stays. That I can be a man worthy of her.
A thrill goes through my body. It’s scary as shit. What if I’m not up to it? What if I can’t be the man she needs? What if…
“Are you okay?” Joel looks at me with concern.
I snap out of my thoughts and look at him, really look at him.
He’s got dark lines under his eyes; his hair has more silver in it than it did before his wife died and he quit the career he loved to raise his girls. But there are crinkles at the sides of his eyes, the marks of a man who smiles easily.
Joel’s happy. He stayed, and if he can do it, maybe I can too.
I glance at the wilted plant sitting on top of the trash can, and I know what I need to do.
I dart back into the house and head upstairs. I take them two at a time until I’m in the loft.
“Did you forget something?” Hudson calls after me.
But I ignore him
I whip out my notebook and scribble something on it and tape it to the window.
Then I head back downstairs. The guys are leaning against my pickup, and I give them a curt sideways tilt of my head indicating to move.
They get the idea, and I grab my plant and shove it in the passenger seat.
“Hey,” shouts Marcus as I start up the engine. “Goodbye then.”
I don’t have time to write an explanation. I pull out of the driveway and leave them calling after me.
In the rearview, I see Marcus shake his head, no doubt muttering curses under his breath. I chuckle to myself. I can’t wait till I can speak again and give him shit back.