Chapter 37
Wednesday, September 20, 2017
The moon’s lighting coupled with the glow of the lamp created a picturesque atmosphere. Moments such as this reminded me of how far I had come. How much I had overcome.
Motherhood was the greatest feeling in the world. Sometimes, I worried if I was doing things the correct way, but I had to remember children didn’t come born with an instruction book. Dominic also told me how proud of me he was and that I was raising him just fine. I did the same for him.
“Is that good?” I asked my son, who lay snug in my arm, watching me as he drank his formula. He liked to take his sweet time when he ate. Books called it the gourmet style. I just saw it as another way he was like his father and how he played with his food. Tasting a little bit of formula at a time, smacking his lips, and eventually eating. It still tended to make me laugh.
I smiled at my son, standing at his bedroom window. I gave him a soft kiss on his forehead, telling him I loved him. He had his fingers wrapped around mine.
The day I birthed Vincenzo, it awoke a new sense of self in me. Greater confidence. Life was now being viewed through a clearer, new set of eyes. I was developing the courage and strength to face and process anything and everything head on. I refused to stress and fear over things in life that I couldn’t control.
Maybe it stemmed from being forced to face the chaos and trauma that ended up being my son’s birth. Maybe I finally realized in the thick of that agony that I was running out of excuses to hold onto to keep myself in a place of fear and weakness. Watching Julie hold up Vincenzo for us to see flipped some kind of switch.
Nothing made sense for so long. Up was down. Down was up. I didn’t want to be trapped in my own head anymore—my thoughts, my self-loathing, and woe-is-me. It was exhausting and held me further and further back. Before I forced myself to face who I truly was and what I truly could conquer, I kept my head down, navigating the world at ground level. Years of insults, degradation, and not being given a fair shot fucked with me. It kept me docile. Ignorant to life. I kept the peace and kept it together good enough to survive. A sheep among thousands allowing themselves to be herded wherever. I believed everyone’s lies and misconceptions.
Dominic gave me the most strength and that greatest sense of safety. He still did. So did my brothers, Hector, and even Nadia, but to a degree and earlier on in my journey of rediscovery. If it weren’t for Dominic believing I had strength, worth, and potential, no one else would’ve. I wouldn’t have. It wasn’t easy though. I imagined there were times he wanted to rip his hair out over me flat out refusing to open my heart to myself. But for the life of me, I was blind to what had forever stared back at me in a mirror—a beautiful young woman with a heart of gold and a spirit as hot as fire. A woman who held the power to dream big and crush any obstacle that threatened those dreams. Like Dominic, I had that fire inside me. I had an inner monster, who was thrashing to come out of its cage and prove to the world I wasn’t one to fuck with, and she wasn’t done. I just had to be reminded of it all during the scariest moment of my life.
Truths were lies, and the curtain lifted, swiping the rug out from under my feet at the same time. I had to relearn every aspect of my life; that was what it felt like. Like I planted my feet next to a victory flag on the country’s tallest mountain, only for a gust of wind to knock me off balance and send me tumbling back to the bottom. And like that point in my life, with the help of Dominic, I won over the mountain that was my own mind.
“I see you’re going to fight again tonight,” I predicted, noticing Vincenzo’s eyelids growing heavy, but he kept springing them back open right before he could fully drift off. I smiled when he showed off a smile of his own.
Watching Vincenzo grow so much in these three short months had been fascinating. Giving him Dianidine within the first twenty-four hours of his life, Dominic and I wondered whether any and all traces of vampirism were still in our son’s system. Julie was always in awe at his checkups, reminding us he was in the top 85 th to 97 th percentile.
At twenty pounds and twenty-seven inches long, we were proud parents.
His bottle now sneaking below half-full, I tilted it up for him for an easier end of his feeding. Luckily, he took to bottles rather well and quickly.
Guilt wracked me when deciding to quit breastfeeding. Incredibly guilty. With our schedules and unpredictable lifestyle, I knew it was a smart choice. Well, that and it was becoming too painful for me. A chore, even.
The bedroom door opened, and Dominic stepped inside.
“Perfect timing. He’s just about done.”
Vincenzo looked as best as he could toward his daddy, cooing and grunting and smiling.
We watched Dominic through the window as he shut the door.
Fatherhood suited him. He loved to sing to his son, doing it every night before bedtime. Vincenzo smiled whenever he heard his daddy’s voice and when he came home from any sort of trip. He snuggled with his daddy and fell asleep constantly on his chest, ear over his heart.
Their bond was unbreakable.
Dominic joined us, planting a kiss on his son’s head.
“Is Anthony liking his new toy?” I inquired, amused at the thought.
Mr. Prisco turned thirty-one today, and to celebrate, Dominic, Dino, Angelo, and I pitched in and bought him a 2017 red Dodge Viper. He didn’t believe us at first until we handed him the title. Then, he jumped and celebrated with glee.
“I’m fairly sure he’s burned rubber all over town.”
“Should we expect complaints?”
“If he doesn’t rein it in, I’ll expect a bill for his bail.” Dominic then took Vincenzo’s empty bottle from me, allowing me to hold him in a position to burp him.
I rubbed circles on Vincenzo’s back, patting it every so often. “We can’t let a Karen ruin his fun.”
“Which is exactly why I’ve already made calls to the local police and county sheriff’s offices.”
Vincenzo let out a grown man-like burp, catching us off guard. We laughed.
“Feeling better?” I asked my son, laughing again when he smiled lazily. Looking out of the window, I gently bounced him, soaking up the moment. “I still can’t believe it.”
Dominic stepped up behind me, enclosing me in his arms. We both delicately swayed, killing two birds with one stone as the motion soothed our son.
Ever since Vincenzo was born, Dominic’s love and respect for me had exploded and manifested tenfold. He continued to remind me how proud he was of me, how much he loved me, and how my strength inspired him. We constantly talked about how we wanted our wedding, but we weren’t in a rush. Dominic said a special woman like me deserved nothing short of an equally special day with whatever I wanted.
He wasn’t turned off by my post-baby body, despite me gaining over thirty pounds while I was pregnant. Thankfully, he understood my apprehension to go beyond fondling and tender displays.
I was scared my body wasn’t ready yet for sex, but my biggest wall was my surgical scar. I hated it, although I would’ve gone through it again and again as long as it meant my son lived. Dominic saw my scar as a battle scar and something to be proud of, not disgusted by it.
It was a work in progress.
Vincenzo fussed, relentless in his fight against sleep.
Until his daddy started singing.
Music worked the best at soothing him to sleep, whether it was listening to his daddy’s lullabies, Dominic playing the piano, or us playing classical music. His favorite piece was the same as Dominic’s—Moonlight Sonata. I played it for him repeatedly when he was in the womb.
He stared at his father, soaking him in while he sang “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.”
During moments like this, sometimes it didn’t feel real. I didn’t want the rug to be swept from under us.
Our son yawned, making Dominic and me smile. He gave his son a kiss, switching over to singing the rest of the lullaby in Italian. Vincenzo closed his eyes, losing the battle.
“Thank you,” I murmured. “Please keep singing.”
“Whatever you say, Bellissima .”