Chapter 20
Chapter Twenty
I know I’m alone even before I pry my lashes apart and look around the room. He’s gone. I’ve really lost him, and I don’t think I can get him back.
My eyes burn with unshed tears. I’m not going to fall apart right now. I’m going to drag myself out of this bed, try to find Vin, and see if by some miracle he’s had a change of heart about this break up thing. He calls me a saint, but if I truly were one, I’d perform that miracle myself.
I glance around the room again, the room he put me in. The fact he didn’t want me in his own bed speaks volumes. Maybe I should just save face and leave. I shouldn’t have to beg my boyfriend not to break up with me. Then again, if I thought it’d work, I’d get down on my hands and knees and beg him. I’d do whatever it took to get him back. I can’t fathom not being with him. I also can’t force him to do something he really doesn’t want to do.
I’m so confused. Again, I need a relationship for dummies book or at the very least some kind of guide. I can’t even talk to my friends about this, because I can’t tell them anything about Vin. The only person I can talk to is the one person who doesn’t want to talk to me right now.
Maybe we can still hang out as friends. Over the last couple of weeks, Vin’s become my best friend. I can’t talk to my girlfriends the way I can talk to him. And I get the feeling he doesn’t talk to his friends about anything deep and personal either.
He’ll agree to being friends, right? He has to.
With renewed faith and determination, I open the door and walk out of the bedroom. I raise my hand to knock on Vin’s door before I decide to reach for the knob and let myself in.
I know right away that he’s not in here. But I peek into his closet and bathroom anyway. He’s not on the balcony either. I do notice that the clothes I left on the bathroom floor last night are gone. So is his little silver tin. I’m not going to lie. I felt good when I smoked that joint. Right up until Vin came in and stomped all over my heart.
I can feel the tears starting to form again. I take a huge breath and straighten my shoulders. I will not crumble. He needs me. He might not want to acknowledge it, or want me around full stop , but he needs me.
And I need him.
I find my way downstairs and start walking through the house. No one says anything to me. I step past a few of those bulky men in suits, who all give me curious glances but don’t say a single word. It’s not until I walk into the kitchen that I’m stopped.
“Are you lost?” This comes from Vin’s oldest brother. Gio. I haven’t officially met him yet. But I know who he is. And, honestly, he’s outright scary as hell.
“Ah, I was looking for Vin,” I say.
“He’s not here.”
“What do you mean he’s not here? He was here. Where is he?” My questions come out before I can think better of them.
Gio raises a single brow at me. “If Vin wants you to know where he is, you’d know,” he says, bringing his cup of coffee to his lips.
“Don’t be an ass,” a female voice cuts in. I turn to see a beautiful brunette. Eloise, Gio’s wife. Vin showed me pictures from their wedding. “He just left. But I’m sure if you call him, you can catch up with him later. You want anything to eat? Coffee?”
“Ellie, we are not turning this kitchen into a morning-after diner for all of Vin’s sleepovers,” Gio grunts.
My eyes close. I know Vin said he hasn’t brought any girls home before. But now that he has, will he?
I can’t think about that right now, or the tears really will fall.
“Ignore my brother. He lost his manners somewhere between puberty and adulthood. I’ll give you a ride home,” Santo says, walking in behind me.
I want to tell him that I don’t need a ride home. That what I need is to find Vin. Bring up my idea of being friends. I can’t fully lose him. I don’t do that though. Instead, I find myself nodding. “Thank you, but I should get home,” I tell Eloise.
“Anytime. Despite what my husband says, Vin doesn’t have sleepovers. You’re the only girl I’ve ever seen him bring home,” she stresses to me while sending an icy glare in her husband’s direction.
“I know.” I try and fail to give her a smile. I know it’s not her fault, but right now, I feel worse than I’ve ever felt in my entire life.
Thankfully, Santo doesn’t try to make small talk when he drives me home. I should ask how he knew where I lived. I don’t bother. It’s pointless and really doesn’t matter.
He stops me when I go to open the door. “Don’t give up on him,” he says.
“He gave up on me.” My voice is quiet, and I’m struggling to keep the tears from falling.
“He’s going through a lot right now. He thinks he’s doing the right thing by you. Trust me, he cares about you.”
“I tried to be what he needed and I’m not it,” I say. “Just… if something happens, can you let me know? Call me.”
Santo nods in agreement, and I climb out of the car. My mum appears in the doorway. She takes one look at me as I shuffle by her and asks, “What happened?”
I burst out in tears. She quickly rushes over and wraps her arms around me. “Oh, baby, what on earth happened?”
“I… I… love him,” I cry.
“Okay. It’s going to be okay. Who is him ?” Mum guides me into the living room and sits me down on the sofa. I don’t give her a name. I can’t get the words out. “It might help if you talk about it.”
I shake my head. “I don’t want to. I just don’t want to feel. I want it to stop hurting,” I tell her.
“It will. I promise, baby, it will.” Mum strokes my hair. I’ve always been able to seek comfort in my mum. But right now, it’s not working. Nothing is taking the pain away.
Well, almost nothing. I just don’t know how to go about getting it. Vin certainly isn’t going to give it to me. I can find someone at school tomorrow to sell me some, though. I just have to get through tonight.
I can do that…
As soon as I walk on to the school grounds, I bypass my locker and head straight for the field. It’s common knowledge that the stoners like to hang out under the bleachers. So that’s where I’m headed.
My entire body aches. Vin didn’t just break my heart; he broke me . Body, mind, and soul. I let myself fall so damn hard. I didn’t ever stop to think about the consequences of what would happen if things ended.
Straightening my shoulders, I walk under the bleachers like I’m still the girlfriend of Vin De Bellis. Nobody says no to Vin at this school, and when he made it public I was his, I was given that same privilege. Not that I’ve ever used it.
“One of you is going to sell me some weed, and make sure it’s decent shit,” I tell the group of guys now staring back at me like I’ve lost my head. “Is there a problem?”
“Ah, no. Cammi. Here, on the house. Tell Vin we looked after you,” one guy says before handing me a bag of green buds.
What the hell am I going to do with all this?
“Yeah, I don’t want this. Just a joint. Something ready to go.” I shove the bag back into his open palm.
“Here.” Another guy hands me not one, but two joints.
“Thank you. Don’t suppose you have a lighter?” I ask them.
The third guy passes me a lighter. After thanking him, I walk out and around the building. I don’t need an audience. I’m not ashamed of smoking. I just don’t want company right now.
I place the joint between my lips, light it up, and inhale. Coughing as the smoke fills my lungs. I don’t like it, but I do like the effects. I want to be numb. If I have to see Vin around school and have him ignore me, then I need to just not feel.
I smoke the entire joint before shoving the second one into my bag for later. I probably should learn how to roll these things myself.
I giggle. Damn, I do feel better.
I slide on my sunnies as I walk back inside and head for my locker. Lauren, Devon, and Elena are all there waiting for me. “You’re late. Where you been?” Devon asks.
“I was busy,” I tell her.
“Busy doing what? And where’s your shadow?” Lauren peers down the hall. She’s looking for Vin. I can’t help but follow her gaze. I don’t know if I want to see him or if I’d be better off not knowing. Not that it matters. He’s not there.
“I don’t know where he is. We broke up,” I tell them, and all three girls stare at me. “What? It happens. I need to get to class.” I pull my English books out of my locker.
“Are you okay? What happened? What did he do? I’ll cut off his balls,” Elena says.
“Don’t do anything to him. It’s fine. I’m fine. I’ll talk to you all later.” I turn and walk off, leaving my friends behind. I can’t talk about it. I don’t want to talk about it. I just need to get through today, and then tomorrow, and then the rest of my life without him.
I make my way into my English class and sit in the back row. I don’t want to interact with anyone. I just want to be alone. Well, I want to be with Vin, but that’s not an option. And then, as if I’ve conjured him up, he saunters into class and sits right bloody next to me.
My sunglasses are dark, which gives me the opportunity to steal a glance at him without him noticing. He looks as bad as I feel, which only makes me feel worse. I hate seeing him like this. More than that, I hate that he’s doing this to us .