Chapter 21
Chapter Twenty-One
I shouldn’t be here. I should have fucking skipped today. Seeing her is both a blessing and a curse. I was desperate to see her, to check on her. But now that I have, I hate myself even more.
I fall into the seat next to hers, because fuck if I’m going to let any other fucker get close to her. I know. I’m an asshole. Cammi’s hiding her face behind big dark sunglasses. I don’t need to see her eyes to know she’s been crying, though. I can feel the pain radiating off her.
I have no one to blame except myself. I caused this. I broke her, and I’ll never be able to put her back together because I can’t give her what she wants. What we both want.
I need her safe. I need to not drag her any farther down into my darkness. She will get over this. She will be happy again… I hope. I know I’ll never be able to move on from her, but maybe she can move on from me. She’ll learn to hate me. I broke her heart. How could she not hate me?
I hate myself. I tried. I fucking wanted to be someone else for her, but I should have known. They always win.
The monsters, the nightmares. They will never let me go. Just when I think I’m breaking free, I’m pulled right back into the darkness again. And now, I’ve managed to get my brothers mixed up in my mess. Something I never wanted to fucking do.
I saw the way Gio looked at me this morning. I could also tell he didn’t sleep last night. Thankfully, I don’t think he told Eloise. She acted like nothing’s changed. If she does know, she’s good at hiding it. While Gio is barely controlling his rage.
I get it. If it happened to any of them, I’d be out for blood too. As it is, I want to bring Shelli back to life just to strangle her myself for what she’s done to Santo. I’m not talking about the grief. That shit isn’t her fault. It’s our father’s. I’m talking about the journal Gio and Gabe found that suggests she wasn’t who any of us thought she was.
I take the chance to look across to Cammi. My mouth opens to say something before I think better of it and snap it closed.
“Ms Taylor, the glasses, lose them,” the teacher calls out.
“I have a headache,” Cammi says.
“Then go to the nurse.”
I watch as Cammi packs up her stuff and walks out of the classroom. I’m calling bullshit on the headache. And before I can talk myself out of it, I’m on my feet following her.
I catch up to Cammi in the hall, jogging to get in front of her. She stops and stares at me from behind those fucking glasses. I reach out and snatch them off her face.
“What’s wrong?” If she really is sick, I’ll get the doc to check her out.
Cammi laughs. “You have to be fucking kidding me right now, Vin. What’s wrong? Seriously? You’re really going to stand here and ask me what’s wrong?” she yells. “How about the fact that my boyfriend who I thought loved me more than life itself— his words, not mine —dumped me last night? Or the fact that my heart has been torn to shreds to the point I’m surprised there’s even enough of it left to keep beating. To keep me alive, when right now I’d rather not be. Maybe death will be less painful than this.” Her arms wave around her face. She’s looking everywhere but at me. Until she does and I wish she hadn’t. There is so much despair staring back at me.
She can’t be serious, can she? My entire body goes cold at the thought of her doing something to end her life. I won’t let that happen. I’m completely speechless. I don’t know what to say to her right now.
“Why are you even here, Vin? To torture me? To remind me of what I can’t have? To make me look like an idiot in front of the entire school?” she hisses.
“I’m here because I want to make sure you’re okay, Cammi,” I tell her.
“Well, newsflash! I’m not okay. I had an idea, you know. When I woke up yesterday, I thought: You know what? I can live without being with Vin. Maybe we can still be friends. Maybe that can be enough . Maybe whatever we had can shift into something else ,” she says. “But that’s not going to work for me. I can’t look at you and not hurt.”
Cammi walks past me. I follow her because I don’t know what else to fucking do. Her words repeat in my head. Maybe death will be less painful…
I’m freaking out. I can’t let her think like that.
Cammi walks out the back door, through the fence and into the park. The same path I took her down the first day I spoke to her. The day all of this started. I should have kept watching her from a distance. I knew getting close to her would only end in disaster.
Nothing good ever happens in my world. People like me shouldn’t be loved. She shouldn’t love me. If loving me is destroying her, I need to find a way to make her hate me.
Cammi sits down at the same tree and pulls something out of her bag. Not something, a fucking blunt.
“Where the fuck did you get that?” I ask, reaching out and snatching it right out of her hand. “Is this why your eyes are red? You’re fucking high?” I’m yelling. I’m fucking furious. Whoever the fuck gave her this is going to be dealt with.
“What’s your problem? You smoke all the time,” she says.
“My problem is you don’t smoke, and this isn’t the answer, Cammi,” I tell her.
“Seems to numb me pretty good. I want it back.” She holds out a hand, like there’s actually a fucking chance in hell that I’m going to give it back to her.
I shove the joint into my pocket and sit across from her. “I’m not giving it back. Whatever you’re feeling, take it out on me. It’s my fault. I get that. But I’m doing this for you, Cammi.”
“No, you’re doing it for you . You’re running, Vin. You’re giving up on fighting for your own happiness, and you know what the worst part of it is?”
“What?”
“You’re letting them win. The monsters, they’re winning,” she says.
I can’t argue with her, because she’s fucking right. “I don’t want to see you hurting,” I tell her. “I can’t do this, Cammi. We need to find a new way to coexist and you need to stop trying to mask your pain with fucking drugs.” I know I’m the biggest fucking hypocrite in the world right now.
“I wouldn’t have to mask the pain if you didn’t cause it, Vin. You have the power to take it all away. Tell me you’ve changed your mind. That it was a momentary lapse in judgement and we can just go back to being us.” Cammi looks at me with so much hope in her fucking eyes.
“Let me drive you home. You don’t have to be here today,” I tell her.
“I tried. I love you, but I guess it wasn’t enough. For that, I’m sorry. I thought if I loved you enough, you would see that you were worthy of being loved. I’m sorry I couldn’t be enough.” Cammi pushes to her feet. “Don’t follow me. Being around you isn’t helping me right now,” she says, and then I watch her walk away.
“Wanna tell me why we’re heading to the bleachers?” Dash asks.
“Because some fucker gave Cammi pot and I want to know who it was. So I can cave their fucking heads in.”
“Wait… Why is Cammi smoking pot all of a sudden? What the fuck did you do?” Marcus chimes in.
“I had to break up with her,” I hiss, hating the words as they fall from my tongue.
“You dumped her? What the fuck for? Even a blind guy can see how much that girl loves you, man,” Dash says.
“It doesn’t matter. What matters right now is finding out who supplied her, and making sure it doesn’t fucking happen again.” I walk under the bleachers and all the stoners turn to face me. “Who the fuck supplied Cammi today?” I ask, anger vibrating off me.
They share a glance, none of them saying a single word to me.
“I asked a fucking question. If someone doesn’t answer me, I’m going to assume it was all of you.” I remove my blazer and hand it to Marcus. I then proceed to roll up the sleeves of my white school shirt. I fucking hate this uniform, but I don’t want the hassle of buying a new one because I got blood all over it.
“It was me. I thought she was getting it for you,” Hunter says.
“You thought fucking wrong.” I snap right before my right fist connects with his jaw. The fucker falls to the ground. Doesn’t even try to fight back. “Any of you sell to her again and I’ll make sure you’re drinking through a fucking straw. Got me?”
“Got it.” I hear one after the other stutter in my direction.
Satisfied that they’re not going to give Cammi any more weed, I grab my blazer off Marcus and walk out.
“So… you gonna tell us what happened with Cammi or not?” Dash asks.
“Not,” I grunt.
“Okay, cool, man. Whatever. But you know, if you need to talk, we’ll listen,” he says. “In the meantime, I vote we go to my house. Party for three.”
I can’t think of a better idea. I should go home first and check on my brothers. “I’ll meet you there.”
The moment I walk back into the building, I know she’s here. I glance to my left and see her standing at Elena’s locker. Fuck me. I shrug my blazer back on and keep walking. Forcing myself to brush right past her. Pretending she’s not there. Pretending she doesn’t fucking exist. I need to make her hate me. It’ll be easier for her if she does.