Chapter Thirty-Three
Lainey
Luke’s waiting at a private outdoor table with his eyebrows raised, silently letting me know he expects an explanation, and he’s not taking any bullshit. Not that he’s ever been good at seeing through my lies, but I have to give him something. It’s my fault we’re here.
I let out a long sigh as I walk toward him, the tension in my body causing a dull ache. I don’t want to have this conversation. I just had it with Thomas, and while I felt semicomfortable with him, with Luke, it’s a different story.
“You worry too much,” I say the second I sit down, laughing when he frowns.
“Lainey, you—”
“I shouldn’t have said anything when you called. I was having a bad day.”
“But you did say something, and I can’t pretend that didn’t happen.” A server comes over but he waves them off, his eyes never leaving mine. “What happened at Jaiton? I know you didn’t leave voluntarily like you said you did. I never believed you’d be that rebellious, and I heard Gran’s bitch session about it. I’ve given you space, hoping you’d come to me on your own. But you haven’t. Even though I’ve shown you time and time again that I’m here to listen.”
Guilt works its way into my chest and I sigh. He’s right. When I first moved away, he called often to make sure it had been my decision to leave and to ask if I was okay. Then when I got back, he tried to help me find somewhere to live, knowing I didn’t want to move home with my parents, and once again, checked in on me every other day. Way more than I deemed necessary.
But I never planned to tell him the truth. He caught me off guard when he called yesterday, and I slipped up.
How do you tell your big brother that you were kicked out of ballet school because you performed mostly naked in front of the entire cohort just to show them they couldn’t hurt you, days after turning up to class with bad hair dye? What’s worse…how do you tell him that the reason you were mostly naked is because the only person you trusted, or thought you trusted, ripped your dance costume to shreds while you were in the bathroom, minutes after coming all over your chest?
I’ll tell you. You don’t. Because while yes, Luke was there for me, even when I didn’t want him to be, he’s also extremely protective and can’t see reason once he’s been set off. There’s no way he’d hold back if he found out the truth.
It’s why I left that information out of my confession to Thomas. We may not have defined our relationship, but I’m not stupid. If I’d told him about Travis, he’d burn the world down to find him, and if I’m being honest, once it was in motion, I’d struggle to stop him.
An unwanted memory comes to the forefront of my mind, and for the first time in a while, I struggle to push it back down.
Travis groans as he stands and grabs his tee, wiping my chest with a smile. “Fuuucck, you know how to work me, Lains. That hand of yours is almost as good as your pussy.”
He runs a finger through my heat and raises it to his tongue as my whole body shivers. “God, I want to taste you again, but we have to go. Don’t wait for me. I’ll clean up here, you go and shower.”
I smile as I jump up, my core still pulsing from my release. He’s right. We have a whole school performance in an hour and I’m a mess. I need to get ready.
I shouldn’t have let him into my room, but when he smiles at me with his adorable dimples, I struggle to say no. Plus an orgasm always helps with the tightness I hold in my chest whenever I’m around my peers, and I need a clear mind—an impossible feat on my own.
After I’m showered and glamming myself up to ballerina perfection, I stare in the mirror, no longer recognizing the girl staring back at me. My alarm goes off, snapping me from my disgust, and I rush to get ready, knowing it will take me a few minutes to get into my costume in the dressing room.
Grabbing my dress bag, I’m out the door and running into our rooms with seconds to spare, ignoring the eye rolls and sharp expressions aimed my way.
“Come on, Miss Bennett,” one of our helpers snaps at me. “You have four minutes before you need to be on stage.”
“I’m on it.”
Like always, I make my way to the back corner of the room, away from the cliques, and pull my tights out of my bag. Whispers start up around me, but I pay them no mind, softly singing instead.
I’ve just lifted my dress from the hanger when the room falls silent, and it’s not until I look at my costume, I know why.
My heart seizes, but I hold my composure, my face impassive as I stare down at the destroyed silk in my hands. I suck in a subtle breath as my eyes water, but I stand tall, hanging the destroyed dress over a chair before removing my clothes.
In silence, I stick to the schedule, keeping up appearances as I get ready for my moment, and when it comes time for my dress, I carefully glide the ripped material along my body, keeping my eyes off the mirror until it’s all secured in place. Though I don’t need to see it to know that it’s bad. The air on my exposed skin gives the game away.
Putting on the smile I usually reserve for performances, I lift my eyes and take in the devastation.
What was once a beautiful white silk tutu and bodice is now a shredded mess, revealing more skin than I’ve ever exposed in public. My eyes immediately go to my nipple, but from the way my body shivers, I know that’s not the worst of it, but I can’t bring myself to look.
The whispers start up again just as our helper calls my name to begin.
My eyes glaze over, and I almost cover myself up until a thought hits me. This is what they want. They want me to fail. They want me to hide away and cower. But it’s not happening. This is my time to shine. And it might be exactly what I need.
“Fuck it.” They don’t want me to dance. Well, too fucking bad. I’m going to give them the performance of my life, and I’m doing it in costume.
“Lainey?” Luke questions me, breaking into my thoughts, his eyes full of concern.
Shit. “Gran’s been causing trouble at Jaiton,” I tell him, giving him the bare minimum, once again keeping my secret to myself. “I’m guessing she’s been stopping my old classmates from getting the recognition they need to make the stage.”
“How is that affecting you?”
“I’ve been getting harassing texts. Nothing I can’t handle, but it was getting to me. Like I said, you caught me at a bad time.”
“Jesus. Who? Who’s sending them?”
“Some harmless girls. They’d never do anything, but they’re relentless.”
“Can I see the texts?”
“No, you can’t see the texts. I didn’t mean to involve you at all. I’m handling it.”
“How?”
“What?”
“How are you handling it? Are you doing something or pretending it doesn’t exist?”
The latter. “I’m handling it my way. There’s no point in starting something when I’m leaving soon.”
Luke sighs. “You know, I didn’t want you to go at first. But I think the time away will be good for you.”
“It better be, because I have no clue what I’m doing with my life. None. And I can’t just keep coasting along like this.” I usually wouldn’t be that frank, but Luke deserves some truths and that’s a big one. I have no clue. I don’t even know what I’m doing on a daily basis. I need time away from everything. I need to find myself.
But I also feel nauseous when I think about leaving Thomas. He needs me. And being around him helps.
Am I really prepared to let that all go?
Luke pushes for a few more answers, but when he doesn’t get them he moves on, talking about the upcoming draft instead, and by the time we’ve finished eating, I can see he’s significantly less stressed. I may still be twisted in knots, but at least I won’t have Luke on my back anymore.
For the next few days, I go through the motions of life while my head spins. I’ve always kept my cards close to my chest, and now that Thomas and Luke know a little about what happened to me, I’m on edge every time they call. I don’t want to be constantly reminded of that time. I want to forget it existed, but having people ask if you’re okay stops that from happening. And what I really need from Thomas is an escape.
By the time Saturday comes around, I’m at the end of my tether. While Thomas has managed to keep his questioning to a minimum, Luke won’t quit, and it’s almost getting to me as much as the threatening texts are.
After hanging up from another “just calling to see how you’re doing” chat, I decide I need a distraction and head out for a walk, but I’m so lost in my own world as I wander the streets of Heartwood, that I completely miss the turn I was meant to take. Spinning around to go back, I slam into a hard chest and stumble a little until the person catches me. I quickly grab the wall to steady myself and only look up when I have my balance, coming face-to-face with one of the seniors at our college, Joel Haynes, someone I’ve come to discover is friends with Thomas’s sister. When he stares back at me, my eyes widen in surprise before I smile.
“Lainey, hi. It’s good to see you,” he says as he lets go of my arm and steps back.
“Hi, Joel. How are you?”
I’ve known Joel since Luke played junior football. While he’s not a player himself, he’s best friends with Dylan, one of Luke’s teammates. I used to see both of them when we were kids and then again at the Ball House when I first arrived back at Heartwood, but they stopped coming suddenly, or maybe I stopped going. Either way, I haven’t seen Joel since the night I helped Summer. The night that still haunts me. He came looking for her after her attack, and that’s when I realized they were friends. Close friends by the way he was protecting her.
I want to ask him about her now, but I also don’t because I don’t want to keep secrets from Thomas, and I know she hasn’t contacted him yet.
I’m about to awkwardly say something when I realize he just walked out of the tattoo parlor, making me gasp. “Did you get a tattoo?” I ask with a new excitement.
Joel laughs before patting his chest, presumably near his tattoo, and nods. “I did.” He smiles and a giddiness hits me.
He marked his body.
A tattoo—something my parents and Gran would never approve of. Something that would change my body and make me different from the girl that was on stage. The girl I wish never existed. A messed up happiness runs through me as an idea forms, and before I know it, my mind’s made up.
“Wow, that’s perfect timing,” I say honestly, because the more I think about it, the more I love the idea. “Have you got a minute?”
Joel’s eyes light up and he nods before stepping out of the way of the incoming foot traffic, then motioning for me to join him. “I’ve got all the time you need. Are you here for the parlor?”
I wasn’t, but… “I am. I want a tattoo. I just have no idea where to start.”
Joel chuckles but nods again, this time in understanding. “There are a few things you need to decide. Where, what, and when?”
“Seems simple enough,” I joke as I suck in a breath, clenching my teeth in concern.
Joel laughs again. “Let’s break it down. If you know where you want it, it might be easier to decide what?”
“Okay, I can do that.”
“You don’t have to do it all now. How about I introduce you to my friend Michelle. She just gave me my first tattoo, and she’d be happy to help you.”
“That would be amazing. Thank you. But first, can I see yours?”
Joel lifts his tee to show me the covered tattoo positioned over his heart. It’s difficult to make out what the image is with the dressing hiding it away, but the position alone suggests that it’s personal, so I don’t ask.
“I think I want it close to my hip bone,” I muse. I’m not really sure why, but it feels right.
Joel smiles knowingly. “You want to be able to hide it away?”
No, I want it to be something that’s mine and mine alone unless I choose to show that part of me to someone. “Yeah. Something like that.”
“Then that’s what you should do. Next up, you just have to decide what.” He lifts his arms in question before his expression changes, and he shakes his head with a laugh. “It’s crazy to think I haven’t seen you since that night with Summer. Have you two spoken at all?”
A shiver runs through me, but I manage to hold back a frown, my mind immediately going to her situation with Thomas. “I was so worried about her. I mean, she texted like she said she would, I just…” Didn’t know how to reach out again after reconnecting with Thomas.
Joel smiles sympathetically. “I get it. But I have a feeling she’d want to catch up, if you want to.”
I hold back a nervous laugh. “It’d be nice to see her.” But I’m not sure that’s the best idea right now.
“Why don’t you come by the house sometime? She practically lives there. I’ll get her to text you.”
She practically lives there? Are they dating? Wait… Thomas mentioned he thought Dylan and Summer were together. I’m so confused.
“Sounds great.” Sort of. “Thanks, Joel. I’m glad I ran into you. Literally.”
Joel laughs before walking away while I stand frozen on the spot, my mind racing. I wasn’t joking when I said I’d love to see Summer, but right now, I’d prefer she reached out to Thomas.
The door to the tattoo parlor opens again, and rather than calling out to Joel when I realize he didn’t introduce me, I throw caution to the wind and head inside, determined to see this through.
A soft bell chimes above the door, and it’s a complete contrast to the muscular and heavily tattooed man sitting behind the desk, yet the room feels welcoming all the same. Taking in the musky scent, I make my way over to the desk and wait for him to look up, conscious not to interrupt him.
“Can I help you?” he asks after a beat, his eyes still focused on the screen in front of him.
“Ah, yes. I was just talking with Joel outside. He knows Michelle and—”
His gaze shoots up and I startle. “Are you here to prank me or something?”
“What?”
“I don’t trust that guy. He’s—”
“Cut it out,” a young woman interrupts as she walks through the curtain concealing the back rooms. “You’ll scare the poor girl.”
They stare at each other in a standoff until the big guy laughs. “Sorry, sweetheart. I’m just messing with you. Are you here for a tattoo?”
“I am. But it would be my first.”
The woman steps forward with a warm, welcoming smile. “Well, you’ve come to the right place. I’m Michelle. Let’s have a talk.”
Twenty minutes later, I walk out with a plan in motion and a booking for next month. I’m feeling a little lighter as I make my way back to my car, and I can’t explain why. It’s not like I’ve actually done anything, but the idea that I’m doing something for me, something no one else will know about, kind of thrills me.
It’s the exact feeling I got when I decided to volunteer in Indonesia. It’s as though, bit by bit, I’m slowly finding pieces of myself that, until my time at Jaiton, I never knew were missing. And while I’m usually able to push those thoughts away to focus on other things, other people, it gives me hope that maybe one day I’ll feel whole again. Fulfilled.
Afew days later, I stare at Joel, shocked that I’ve once again run into him, while also feeling beyond uncomfortable at his question.
“Now?” I ask, in response to him inviting me over, wondering how the hell I’m going to get out of this, but also, not really sure I want to.
Joel laughs. “Sure, why not? Are you busy?”
“No.” But I am kind of seeing Summer’s brother. You know, the one that she still won’t talk to. “I just—”
“It’s okay, Lainey. If you can’t make it, it’s fine. I just figured that since I ran into you again so soon, it was fate.” He laughs.
“You’re right. Sorry. I just wasn’t expecting to see you. It’s been a day.”
Joel frowns, and I sense he’s about to ask me about it, but I cut him off. The truth is, my day was fine until he jogged over and invited me to his house. Now, I’m spiraling.
“Is it okay if I go home first?” I ask, giving myself time to think.
“Of course.” Joel smiles. “We have no plans. Let me send you the details, and you can stop by whatever time works.” He sends me a text while I’m still standing in front of him and smiles again when we hear the chime. “Done,” he says with a nod. “So, I’ll see you soon?” His smile widens before it turns a little cheesy and he crosses his fingers, making me laugh.
“You will.” I think. How can I say no to that? But first I have to make a call.
Joel squeezes my arm as he walks away, and I wait until he’s out of sight before pulling my phone from my pocket. Ignoring his text, I instead dial Thomas, my fist clenching as I wait for him to answer.
We’ve spoken every day since I left him earlier this week, but I hate that this call is going to ruin his mood instead of making things better.
“Hey you,” he answers with a clear smile in his voice. “I just got out of a meeting.”
“Sorry.” I pause. “Is this a bad time?”
“Never. I’m on my way to my truck. Your timing is perfect.”
He’s not going to think it’s perfect when I tell him why I called, but I can’t hide it, nor do I want to. Yes, I want to see Summer, but at this point, Thomas is more important to me. I barely know her.
“I need to tell you something. I should have told you sooner, but honestly, I didn’t think it was as big a deal until now.”
“Ohh-kay.” Thomas’s hesitant response has my pulse racing, but no matter how uncomfortable this conversion may be, it has to happen.
“I met Summer last year,” I blurt before deciding to get it all off my chest in one go. “I didn’t know it was her at first, and I haven’t seen her since. But I ran into her friend, Joel, and… Ugh… I’m sure you know Joel. Anyway, he invited me over. To catch up with him and Summer and your old teammate Dylan.” Joel confirmed Dylan and Summer are dating, but I’m not about to mention that. Not yet anyway.
Thomas is silent when I finish, and I don’t blame him. I’d do the same if roles were reversed, but even so, I have the urge to say more to fill the emptiness. “I don’t have to go. I can come up with some kind of an excuse. I just thought—”
“No,” Thomas cuts in and I flinch. I should have known he’d be upset about it.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up and—”
“Woah. Wait, Lainey. I meant, no, you don’t have to do that. You should go. I’d feel better knowing Summer has someone caring in her life.”
“I’m sure she has lots of…” Shit. “Never mind.”
“It’s okay. I know she’s got her friend Cory and yes, she’s got Joel and Dylan. I just…”
“Wish she had you too?”
“Yeah.” He sighs.
“I’m sorry, I—”
“Nope. Don’t be sorry for me. Summer and I will work it out. One day. In the meantime, you should catch up with them. Just…don’t tell me when, okay?”
I swallow a lump in my throat and nod even though he can’t see me. “Of course.” I sigh in relief, making Thomas chuckle.
“Were you worried about what I’d say?”
“No, I was worried that the mention of her would hurt you. I’m here to make things better for you, remember? I didn’t want to make things worse.”
Thomas lets out a soft groan. “That’s not possible. You could never make things worse.”
“You don’t know that.”
He groans louder and it’s my turn to laugh. “Oh, I’m prepared to fight you on this,” he says. “You… shit.” He curses under his breath. “Lainey, I’ve got my agent waving me down. I better go.”
“Of course. Yes.” I wince. “Call me tomorrow?”
Thomas huffs out a laugh. “Just try and stop me,” he says, putting my mind at ease.
If only it was enough to relax me for tonight.