Chapter Thirty-Six
Thomas
Standing in front of Summer’s apartment door feels like déjà vu at its worst, and this time I know how deep the cut will be. When I was last here, I was stupidly naive. I knew what had happened… I knew what I’d done. But hearing her say it and seeing her scars was a knife to my heart that I never saw coming.
After a deep breath, I ready myself to knock when Dylan opens the door, forcing me to step back. We may have spoken a few times since our confrontation all those months ago, but I don’t think we’ll ever be completely okay until Summer and I are.
“Dylan.” I nod as he wordlessly stares my way, making me question whether or not he knew I was coming. I open my mouth to ask him when he smiles. It’s not a warm, welcoming smile that you’d expect from a friend, but it’s real, so I’ll take it.
“Don’t get me wrong,” he begins, closing the door behind him. “I still think you were an absolute dick to her, and a little part of me wants to deck you. But none of us knew the full story. Least of all you. And I’m glad the two of you are finally talking.”
“Thanks…I think.” I raise an eyebrow in question, making Dylan laugh before he motions for me to go in.
“She’s waiting inside. I’m trusting you not to hurt her again.”
“Never,” I rush out because if there is one thing I know for certain, it’s that I’ll never hurt her again. “That will never happen.”
“Good to hear.”
He squeezes my shoulder as he walks away, his eyes flashing to the closed door once more. As though he’s not one hundred percent sure he wants to leave us alone. And I don’t blame him. Both he and Summer have been through so much. It’s reassuring to know they have each other—that one good thing blossomed through all of the bad.
When Dylan rounds the corner, out of sight, I take another deep breath and face Summer’s door, preparing to go inside. I’m nervous as hell, but when I step through the threshold, Summer stands from her position on the couch and smiles warmly. “Thank you for coming today. It’s good to see you,” she says politely, making me chuckle.
“It’s good to see you too. But it’s me, Sum. The guy who used to scream like a fox when you pulled my hair.”
Summer bites back her laugh before her expression turns serious. “What does the fox say?” she deadpans, completely easing my mind as her inside joke hits. I shoot her a wide smile before barking out the sound of a fox. Or at least, the sound we think it makes.
We went through a long phase, using that very question whenever we didn’t know the answer to something else, or didn’t want to answer something. Now that I think about it, I should have used it in one of my post-game interviews.
Summer laughs as she watches me, and I see the moment her nerves start to fade. “Okay. Come and sit down. I made pasta. Do you still hold the cheese?”
She lifts up a bag of cheese and waves it in my face.
“Correct, no cheese for me. Some things never change.”
“Good to know.”
While we’re technically talking about my eating habits, on some level it feels like we’re both saying so much more, and I really hope I’m right. It won’t happen overnight, and it may not happen this month or this year, but I want to get back to the Thomas and Summer we used to be. I want us to feel like a family. If that’s even possible.
The conversation stays casual while we eat, but as soon as the dishes are in the sink, the mood changes as we move to the couch.
“I’m sorry it took me so long to call you,” Summer says as she sits opposite me, her eyes on her hands.
“It’s only been a few months,” I rush to ease her mind. “And—”
“Even so,” she cuts me off. “I promise, I wasn’t playing hard to get.” She smiles but she’s clearly uncomfortable. “God, I’ve wanted to get in touch with you so many times, but every time I tried, I’d freeze up.” With a pause, she lifts her hands to her mouth before resting them under her chin and taking a deep breath. When her eyes meet mine this time, they’re full of pain, and I have to fight myself not to cut in, desperate to tell her it’s all okay and that we don’t need to talk about it. Because we should. It’s the only way we can get to a better place.
“I spent years trying to move on,” Summer continues, making me tense. “I forced myself to be strong. To get by on my own. And I truly believed I didn’t need anyone else. Especially you. But now, it terrifies me that maybe I do. Or that I will once we start seeing each other again. I know you’re hurting too, but I wasn’t ready for that change. Or to risk being hurt again. Not that I think you’ll necessarily hurt me, but—”
“I get it, Summer. I never faulted you for taking the time you needed.” It just broke my heart. Like this conversation. And that broken heart is currently sitting in Summer’s hands as she talks, willing to take any pain she wants to inflict. “You have every right to set the pace.”
“I’m still sorry.”
“Please don’t be. I want to make one thing very clear. You did nothing wrong. You’ve done nothing wrong. And no matter what you do from here on out, you will always be strong. Stronger than me, that’s for sure. You’ve been dealing with this for years, Summer. Years. I’ve known for a few months, and I’m not even the one that was hurt…yet I’m still spiraling.”
“Oh, Thomas.”
“No. Please don’t feel sorry for me. I didn’t tell you that to make you feel anything for me. I told you so you’d be proud of yourself. Because I am so damn proud of you. I just wish…” I trail off when my voice breaks from emotion before clearing my throat. “I’m so fucking sorry. So sorry. Not only for my part in what you went through, but for never seeing what was right under my nose. I knew Dad treated you differently. I fucking knew. I saw it. But I never…” Jesus. My throat clogs again as tears well in my eyes. Biting down on the flesh of my cheek, I stave them off so I can continue. “I don’t know how I’ll ever make it up to you, but I’m going to try. Summer, I’ll do anything.”
The first tear falls and it’s Summer’s, breaking my heart more than I thought possible. I’m not sure it will ever fully heal.
“If you don’t mind talking about it, I want to know everything,” I ask, because I’m terrified she’s holding on to something that I didn’t even know I did.
Summer nods and there’s a steadiness to her expression. “Where do I even begin?”
“And then the calls began and it all started unravelling,” she says with a frown. “There’s no way I could have kept it from Dylan forever. After all, it blew up as soon as he saw the evidence, but maybe I would have handled it better if I wasn’t already waiting for it to all fall apart. I should have trusted him. If I’d told him about it, then maybe things would have been different.”
My head pounds as my breathing shallows, but outwardly, I don’t react. For the last thirty minutes, Summer’s detailed all the awful things she went through. Some I knew, some I completely missed…stuck in my own head. I was a stupid, entitled kid thinking my world and my problems were all that mattered, and I missed it. I missed her pain. I missed the signs. I never made obvious connections.
I let Dad hurt her, and while I will never forgive myself for that, it’s the fact that she wishes it had never come out that has my stomach in knots.
Because if it had never come out—if we’d never found out the truth—then I would still be the asshole treating her badly, cursing her for making the media chase me. Hating her for running.
And we wouldn’t be here. We wouldn’t be trying to reconnect.
Is that what she wants?
“You’d prefer I never found out?” I ask, hesitantly.
“Yes,” she whispers, stunning me to silence. “Because I never wanted you to hurt, Thomas. And I never wanted you to lose your parents.”
What?She’s still worried about me.
“Summer, I didn’t lose my parents. They lost me. I’d prefer to live without them then unknowingly be supporting anyone who can act the way they did. I’m sorry it all ‘blew up,’ but only for your sake. I’m glad I found out the truth, and I’m happy I get the opportunity to connect with you. But if that’s not what you want, I don’t want to force it.”
“I want that too. I do.”
I release a loud sigh, not even bothering to hide it. “Thank you. That’s all that matters. As far as I’m concerned, we’re orphans. It’s you and me, Sum. Although, I do want to visit Mom. To find out her side of the story.”
“No—”
“Sorry, not because I want to forgive her, but because I think she still has some secrets, and we may as well get it all out in the open now when we’re already hurting.”
“You’re allowed to forgive her, Thomas. Just because I don’t want to…”
“I know, Summer. This isn’t all about you…” Her eyes flash to mine, but when I smirk she bursts out laughing.
“Sorry now, Big Bro, I wouldn’t want to take the spotlight from you,” she jokes, and while it feels nice, I can’t get the guilt out of my head. Still, I try.
“Can we talk about something else? Maybe catch up on the last few years. How’s Seattle? How’s life as a starting quarterback?”
“Technically, I’m not a starting quarterback. I only started twice.”
“Hey, now. What happened to the cocky Thomas I used to know and love? You are a starting quarterback.”
“Damn straight.” I sit tall and laugh. “But in all seriousness, Seattle is okay. I’m still adjusting to a new city, a new life. I’d rather hear about you. What are you studying? Since you’re attending Heartwood U, I’m going to guess you never got into equine studies.”
Summer laughs loudly, and it lights up her entire face. “That was when I was twelve and wanted to be a horse trainer.”
“Even though you’d never ridden a horse.”
“Yes, even so. You wanted to be a pro football player before you could throw a ball.”
“Very true.” Although, I’m not sure it was me that started that dream. Dad pushed me in that direction before I could walk.
“So, what are you really studying?”
Dylan chooses that moment to “sneak” back in the front door, thinking he’s being stealthy, so I make it known he’s been busted. “And more importantly, what in God’s name made you decide Dylan was the one?” I joke, and when Summer and Dylan both laugh, I start to think that maybe things will be okay between us all.
On the outside, at least.
Summer, Dylan, and I talk for another hour before I make an excuse to leave. It’s not that I wasn’t enjoying catching up, because I was, but I felt as though I’d outstayed my welcome. Like I was an outsider looking in. No matter how easy it feels between us, she moved on. She’s got a new family, and while I’m so grateful for them, it sits heavy in my chest. I should have been a part of that. Luke says he wouldn’t let anyone on the football team near his sister, but the truth is, for me, I couldn’t imagine a better group of guys. Dylan’s proven that, and Nate’s been there for me recently, despite thinking I haven’t noticed. Even Luke, the complete ladies’ man that he is, would probably be a decent boyfriend if he ever decided he wanted that. I’ve seen his caring side when it comes to his sister and, to a degree, me.
Having said all that, I can understand why Luke wouldn’t want me with Lainey. I’m only starting to prove myself, and I’ve got a long way to go.
I’m anxious as I drive home, trying hard not to let myself fall into the darkness again. I had a good night with Summer, but it shouldn’t have come to that. And the sympathetic look on her face as she said goodbye made things worse. She’s still carrying so much guilt of her own, and she shouldn’t be. She shouldn’t be worrying about me at all. But how do I convince her I’m okay when I’m not certain that I am?
The bright lights of our regular liquor store come into view, and my hands tighten on the steering wheel. The plan was to go straight to the Ball House. The boys are expecting me. But with the thick tension firmly lodged in my throat, I need something to push it down. Something to melt it away.
And a bottle won’t do.
Instead of stopping, I make an illegal U-turn and head back in the opposite direction, pulling into the parking lot of a seedy bar, not wanting to be around people at the house.
I need to be alone, I need something strong, and I need them both now.