Chapter Fifty-Two
Lainey
Thomas wraps his arms around me, holding me up as my legs give out, his breathing uneven, his lips hovering near my ear.
“Please tell me that wasn’t goodbye,” he rasps and my heart constricts. He waited for me. I’ve only had sex once since being with him, and while it felt wrong, he waited for me. As though he always knew I was coming back. That we’d one day be together again.
How can I walk away from that? From him.
“It wasn’t goodbye,” I say honestly, spinning around in his arms. “But we still have a lot to work through before…” His eyes light up as I trail off, and I can’t help but giggle. “You’re really hard to quit too. You know that, right?”
“I do now, and I’m kinda grateful for that.”
He presses his lips to my forehead before brushing featherlight kisses across my face, only stopping when he reaches the corner of my mouth. But when I turn my head to kiss him, he pulls back.
“It’s time to get out. I’m wrinkly as fuck and I’d love to continue this in bed.”
I bite back a laugh and raise an eyebrow. “Do I get a say?” I sass, smiling until Thomas’s smile drops.
“Always,” he says, his expression turning serious. “You will always have a say. I won’t let anyone take your choices away…again.”
My brows furrow until I realize what he’s saying. My parents and my gran pushed me into Jaiton, and the dancers in my class pushed me to my limits. They pushed me into making decisions I’d never usually make. Even Thomas himself pushed me toward leaving when he ended things between us. And despite that being the right thing to do, if given the option, I would have done things differently.
He’s acknowledging his mistake and my parents’ mistake, and he’s showing me a way forward. Showing me that I can continue to blossom with him by my side.
And I truly believe him.
On top of the sincerity in his eyes and the steadiness of his voice, there’s the knowledge that he’s always had my best interests at heart. No matter how messed up our relationship was, or how blind I was, he saw the devastation coming.
And he cut the cord when I couldn’t.
Switching off the shower, I link our fingers and lift his hand to my mouth, pressing a kiss to his knuckles. “The bed sounds perfect,” I say, smiling against his hand. “Lead the way.”
Iwake early the next morning, my body aching but a satisfied smile on my face. Thomas groans beside me, and when I peer over my shoulder, he’s shielding his eyes from the light.
“Why is it morning?” he grumbles, making me laugh. “I could happily stay like this forever.”
“It was morning when we came in here,” I say with a grin. “It’s only different now because the sun’s up.”
“Yeah, well, I wish it would fuck off.”
He squeezes me tighter as I giggle, his arms locked around my middle, and like him, I wish I could stay like this, wrapped up in his arms. Forever. But I jumped into his bed—well, his shower—faster than I would have liked, and we still have things to say. Last night was amazing. He wasn’t wrong when he said he was going to show me how he felt. But I’ve never doubted his feelings. That doesn’t mean getting back together is the right move. Yet.
“Do you think…” I trail off when Thomas moves, shifting his weight until he’s hovering above me, giving me his full attention. I lose my words, my focus gliding to the blue of his eyes. He may have aged nearly ten years since we were first together, but he still has that boyish look about him when he smiles a certain way. A smile I’ve only ever seen him flash my way.
“You’re too good-looking for my own good,” I tell him, because it’s true.
“For your own good?” He chuckles, gently brushing his fingers up and down my arm.
“Yes,” I laugh. “We need to have a conversation, but that’s impossible with you looking at me like I’m the only one in your orbit.”
“Lainey.” He sits up, and I lift to balance on my elbow, letting the sheet pool at my waist, my long hair partly covering my breasts. Thomas’s eyes flash to my body before traveling slowly back to my face, his lips curling into a frown. “You’re distracting me, and I’m trying to talk from the heart.”
“I’m sorry.” I bite back a smile. “Go on.” I pull the sheet up to cover my chest and he huffs out a laugh.
“What I was going to say is that, Lainey, you are the only one in my orbit. No matter how many stars are in the sky, the only one that shines brightly is yours. It’s been like that for a long time. I’m not perfect. Far from it. And I have regrets. But you have never been one of them. I hate that we were apart, but I’m glad I set you free, and I will never regret waiting for you. Even if you decide this is all too much.”
My heart lodges in my throat as tears prick my eyes. “And if I do? If I walk away?”
Thomas stares at me for a beat before a cocky grin crosses his face. “Obviously I’ll just marry the next girl who asks me.” He bounces his eyebrows as my mouth drops open.
“How often do you get asked?”
“At least daily.” He shrugs before I slam him to the bed, trying not to smile when he bursts out laughing.
“This is a serious conversation, Thomas.”
“I know.” His laughter fades. “But I refuse to even contemplate that reality. If you want honesty, I’ll be putting up a damn good fight before I let you go.”
Emotion fills my chest until it’s so tight I’m struggling to breathe, but it’s not suffocating. If anything, it brings me peace. “I’m not planning on walking away,” I say honestly. “You’re the only star in my orbit too.” Always have been.
Thomas’s gaze softens, and though he tries to hide it, I don’t miss the way his shoulders drop as his body deflates. As though an invisible tension just left him.
“Fuck, those words mean so much to me, Lainey. You don’t even understand.”
“Actually, I do.” Biting my lip, I lower the sheet, exposing the small tattoo that marks my hip, waiting for Thomas to look. He lets out a strangled groan as his gaze follows mine, lingering on my chest, his lips parting. I’m about to tell him he’s looking at the wrong thing when he sucks in a breath, his eyes flashing to mine.
“You got a tattoo?” He stares at me in awe, and I swear I see his eyes water before he blinks it away.
“I did.” I nod, biting my cheek to stave off my own tears.
“They’re…they’re stars.” The emotion sets in his features as his gaze moves back to the intricate design I have tattooed on my hip. It’s not a particular constellation, or anything that would mean anything to anyone else, but the collection of stars means something to me, and from the look in Thomas’s eyes, he feels the same. The expression on his face is exactly why I did it. For him. For us. For that little beacon of hope I always held on to.
“Holy fuck, this means everything, Lainey,” he says, making me smile. “How did I miss this last night?”
“You spent most of the night behind me.” I laugh, expecting to make him smile, but his expression turns serious.
“This is real, isn’t it?” he whispers, his eyes still on the design.
“The tattoo?” I ask with a giggle, though I know he’s asking so much more than that.
“I mean us.” He smiles. “This. For years, I didn’t think it would happen, but I couldn’t let you go.”
“What happened while I was gone?” I ask, reaching out to clasp his hand. “How come you never messaged me?” I know we’ve briefly touched on this, but now that it’s morning, I want to talk about it again.
“I wanted to. God, I wanted to, but I couldn’t. I tried, Lainey. I fucking tried to work on myself. I promised to fix things but I failed. And that meant I failed you too. I never got to the point where I felt like the guy worthy enough to bring you back into my world. I still don’t think that.”
“But I’m here.”
“You are.” He smiles. “And though it’s selfish, I want you to stick around. I want you to be here while I keep working on myself. I want you to help.”
“I could have helped back then too.”
Thomas’s smile turns to sadness. “I know, but I couldn’t risk bringing you down with me.”
“And now?”
“You came back on your own, you’re stronger, you danced, and I already feel lighter. But if you tell me you’re not ready, I’ll walk away until you are. I don’t ever want to be the person that ruins your life.”
I stare into his eyes, and while he’s smiling, I can see a shadow over his soul. There’s more going on inside him, and I’m not even sure he realizes it himself.
“Thomas—”
“I need to tell you something,” he rushes out, cutting me off. “Before you tell me one way or another.”
“Okay.” My insides squirm at the urgency in his tone.
“I know about the photo.” He clears his throat. “I’ve seen it.”
Oh fuck.My breathing quickens, and despite knowing that was a possibility, I still don’t know how to feel. I’ve moved on from that time in my life, but it’s still hard to think of him seeing it, to wonder how it made him feel.
“I’m sorry, I thought my gran made it disappear before…”
“You’re sorry?” Thomas’s eyes widen as he frowns. “Lainey, you have nothing to be sorry about. This is all on the fucker that took the photo, the guy that—”
I gasp, cutting him off, and watch as Thomas’s shoulders drop in sympathy. How does he know?
“After you left the night we broke up, Luke came home,” he begins, and my mouth drops open before I cover it with my hand, holding back another gasp. “I was so broken that I told him about you, a little part of me hoping he’d beat the shit out of me because at the moment, I deserved it.” He takes a deep breath and smiles. “Only the fucker wasn’t all that shocked. Said it was about time one of us told him.”
“What? I’m going to kill him. Why the hell is he always keeping secrets?”
Thomas huffs out a laugh but there’s no humor in it. “Because he’s Luke. Do you need any more explanation?”
“Not really,” I say honestly. “But it’s still shitty. Anyway, back to you. You knew about the photo?” I swallow a lump in my throat as my chest tightens. I always wondered if Thomas saw the half-naked image of me when it was released a few years back, but I never suspected he’d known about it before then.
“Your gran told Luke about it, and when he got home that day, he was fuming. I assumed he’d seen you outside, but then he fucking devastated me by telling me what he knew. We were young. We were stupid, and we wanted to protect you. But I’d do it all again if I had to.”
“Do what?” I can guess what comes next, but I want to hear him say it.
“I’m sorry, Lainey. I know you can take care of yourself, but what that asshole did…” His voice breaks as he trails off, shaking his head. “I couldn’t let him get away with it. It took everything in my power not to find you and wrap you in my arms to protect you, never letting go. But rather, it confirmed my need to push you away. We were hoping you’d never find out. That we could make it disappear. But then Luke called me not long before you texted and told me you knew. That it had been released publicly by someone else. A girl named Jess that had been rejected by multiple ballet companies based on your gran’s information.”
Holy shit.I knew about Jess, but I had no idea anyone else knew about the photo before that. Nausea fills me as Thomas grabs my hand.
“I’m sorry, Lainey. I should have told you. We should have told you.”
“Did you hurt him?” I ask, staring into his eyes, knowing the answer.
“Yes,” he rasps, his gaze unwavering.
“And that’s why he released the statement? Later on. Saying he didn’t release the photo.”
“Yes.”
“Are you crazy? What if he’d reported you? Leaked it to the media? Ruined your career? You’d been through so much, Thomas. Why would you do that?”
“I did it for you! And I’d do it again in a heartbeat. I love football, and at times in my life it’s been my only savior, but make no mistake, Lainey, you are and always have been my number one priority. I would burn the world down for you. And trust me, he deserved far worse than what we gave him. But the fucker showed remorse and—”
“Okay.” I cut him off, my heart pounding so fast it makes me dizzy.
“Okay?” Thomas’s expression morphs into one of confusion. “That’s it?”
“That’s it. I can’t exactly tell you I don’t condone violence, when we both know what I’ve done. And what you did helped me. But I’d prefer not to know the details.”
Thomas huffs out a laugh. “If Luke had his way, things may have been different, but I knew you wouldn’t have wanted that. Only…” He trails off as his gaze softens, a light sheen coating his eyes. “What happened?” he asks, a waver in his voice. “You never mentioned the ripped dress. How?” He chokes up and my heart jolts.
Taking a deep breath, I avoid Thomas’s gaze and finally admit the whole truth. “We were sleeping together—had been for a while—and I had no reason to doubt him. But one day while I was showering after…” I swallow, nervous to say the next part. “He cut up my costume on behalf of Jess and her friend, hoping it would stop me from performing.”
“What the fuck?” Thomas tenses, his expression turning vicious. “He didn’t just take the photo? Did he fucking hurt you?”
“He never hurt me. Not physically. I was a willing participant, but I didn’t know what he was planning.”
Thomas shakes, his anger bubbling until I grab his face, pressing my forehead to his. “I never told you because I never wanted to cause trouble. I wanted to forget it all happened, and I was worried about your reaction. And Luke’s. Rightly so, apparently.”
Thomas cringes but the frown doesn’t drop from his face. “I want to kill him. I should have done more, and you should have gone to the police. Or something. Did they force you to dance?”
“No, that was all me. Standing up to them.” I made the choice to perform, knowing the cuts in my costume revealed my nipple, my stomach, my ass. I chose that. And I’d do it again.
Thomas’s lips pull into the smallest smile and he shakes his head. “Of course you did. While I’m not happy you went through any of this, and I want to break every one of his bones, I always knew you were a fighter. You’re amazing, Lainey. Don’t ever doubt that.”
He gazes at me in awe, and I shy away from his stare. “We’ve both been through so much, Thomas. And when you ended things, setting me free, I grew a lot from that experience. I never thought I’d dance again after that, but when I saw you in the club, I wanted to dance, and now my only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner, even if it was just at the club.”
Thomas’s smile widens before he pulls me into his arms. “I’m so fucking sorry they took dance away from you. But I’m happy you’ve finally got it back.”
“Thank you,” I say softly, my body warming in his hold. “I’m not sure where I’m going from here, but I feel better about it.”
“You don’t need to know,” Thomas says as he presses a kiss to my head. “As long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters.”
“I think there’s something that would make me happier.”
“Oh yeah?” He pulls back to look in my eyes. “Name it and I’ll do everything in my power to make it happen.”
“You,” I say on a breath, my chest tight as the words leave my mouth, knowing there’s no going back after this. If things don’t work between us a third time, I’m not sure I’ll survive it.
Without a word, Thomas pulls my face to his, his lips molding to mine, his kiss full of more emotion than I’ve ever felt between us.
“Tell me you don’t have to work,” he says suddenly, reaching for my hand. “Tell me we can spend the day together.”
I grimace and pull away, my body tensing as I think about work, the vision of Summer and Dylan making me shiver. How the hell had I forgotten where I was?
“What just happened?” Thomas asks, his voice full of concern as he grips my chin and angles me to face him. “Where did this anxious look come from?” He palms my cheek, smoothing my frown lines out with his thumb. But it does nothing to quell my panic.
“I stupidly forgot where we were. I have no clothes, and we were about to have sex.” Thomas bites back a smile, but I fail to see the humor. “Don’t make me punch you. You know I won’t hold back.”
He comically winces before his face softens. “I’m sorry, but you have to know, I’m not just going to kick you out. I’ll cause a distraction. They’ll never—”
“Thomas,” Summer calls out, knocking on the door, making me jump as I cover myself with the sheet. “I’m taking Josh with me to the store before Lainey starts at eleven. Can you make sure you and your guest are dressed if you decide to leave the room?”
Thomas’s eyes flash to mine, and he frowns while I panic. Did she hear us last night? “My guest?” he asks somewhat innocently.
“Yes. Thankfully you’re at the other end of the house so we didn’t hear anything, but you left your wet clothes on the bathroom floor. And unless you’re suddenly wearing bras…” she trails off, her tone teasing, and if it was any other circumstance, I’d smile. Seeing them as brother and sister is something that will always make me happy. But right now, I’m nauseous.
“Nope, no bra for me. My guest will be gone before Lainey comes inside.”
“She doesn’t have to leave…”
“I know. But she has to rush off for work anyway.”
“Okay. I’ll see you soon.”
We hear Summer walk away, both of us silent until the door clicks shut, but the second I know she’s gone, I bury myself in Thomas’s chest, groaning as heat coats my skin. “I’m so stupid.”
“Hey now. We’ve done nothing wrong. Unlike your brother, Summer doesn’t care who I date.”
“But—”
“No buts. I know you’re thinking about what she said when she first introduced us, but that was about protecting you. She thinks I’m a player, and I’ve never proven her otherwise. In fact, I’ve gone to great lengths to make her believe it. I get fewer questions that way.”
He brushes off my concern, but it’s more proof that he’s still holding on to his past. I just wish I knew how much it was affecting him. I wish I could ask him how much it was affecting him and know with no uncertainty that he was telling the truth when he answered. But I think he’s still holding back, even from himself.
“So what are you saying?”
“I’m saying that she’s going to find out about us anyway, because as soon as you give me the all clear, I’m shouting it from the rooftops. I’m not keeping us a secret this time.”
I want to be a smart-ass and mention that he didn’t keep it a secret last time either because he told Luke. Only, a little part of me wonders if I wanted to keep it a secret for my sake rather than his. If Luke or anyone else knew back then, it would have been harder to play pretend. And that’s what we were doing. We were playing pretend.
“It wouldn’t have been right to tell them last time, when it was more about the sex than anything else. This time—”
Thomas’s eyes widen before he grabs my face in his hands, angling my head until I’m looking him dead in the eye. “It was never about the sex, Lainey. I wouldn’t have ended things if that was true. It’s been you. It’s only ever been you. And if you want to put me on a sex ban, I’ll still be here, every day, showing you how much I want you. How much I care. How much I…” He trails off, once again holding back the L word because he knows I’m not ready to hear it yet. Not until I can see that things are different between us. Not until we’ve tried again. And I know I’m being hypocritical because I told him I loved him yesterday, but I’d prefer to hear it when things are better between us. Not right after having the big talk. But I need him to know something.
“You didn’t let me finish. This time…it feels real. There’s no more pretending.”