Chapter Fifty-Three
Lainey
After once again kissing me with everything he’s got, my alarm went off before we could take things any further, but it didn’t matter. I was leaving with a smile and a lightness to me that I hadn’t felt in a long time.
I meant what I said about it being real this time. Last time, my feelings were there, but everything was a little tainted, and we weren’t in it for the right reasons. This time, Thomas may still have some heavy baggage to work through, but we’re not going into it blind, and I’ll do anything I can to help him, while not avoiding my own issues—knowing Thomas wouldn’t let me even if I tried. We’re a team, and I believe we can get through this, but we’ve still got a little way to go. Some truths to discover. Together.
As promised, Thomas snuck me out of his room, watching me as I rushed across the yard wearing only his tee, using the spare pool house keys that Summer showed me on my first day. Not that I needed to rush because Summer was still gone. When she returned a little while later, she quietly handed Josh over before disappearing into her office, never saying a word. And I haven’t seen her since. I’d be worried if she hadn’t awarded me a genuine and thankful smile as she walked away. Though, I don’t like seeing her stressed.
Josh and I have been playing quietly for an hour, when he starts banging his toys together, choosing his loudest possession to entertain him. My eyes flash to Summer’s closed door and I cringe. I can’t imagine it’s easy to be a mom and compartmentalize enough to write, or do anything for a living, but she’s giving it a go, and I want to help in any way I can.
“How about we go to the park, Joshie? Want to go for a swing?”
Josh’s eyes light up and he bangs his toys louder, so after quickly packing a bag of food and water and a change of clothes, we say our goodbyes to Summer and head off.
I’ve just reached the car when I realize I left Josh’s diaper bag behind. “Oh no. I forgot your bag.” I bop Josh on the nose and spin around. “Come on, back we go.”
I’ve barely taken a step when I hear movement behind me and spin with a startle. “I’ve got him,” Dylan says, coming out of nowhere. “Are you going somewhere?”
“Oh yes, we’re off to the park. Aren’t we, Josh? I think Summer needs some peace and quiet. She’s got a lot to do…” I trail off because I’m sure this isn’t new information to him.
Dylan frowns as his eyes flash toward the house, but he doesn’t say anything. “Why don’t you run back in for the bag. I’ll stay here with Josh. I’ve got a minute before I have to leave again.” He reaches for Josh, and my chest warms when Josh’s adorable face lights up with a grin. “Hey, buddy,” he says, his attention locked on his son. “Are you going to the park?”
As I walk away, it’s impossible not to smile at Dylan’s one-sided conversation. It still blows my mind to think of Summer and Dylan having kids…and Joel…and Nate. Luke’s the same age, and he can barely look after himself. And it’s the same for Thomas; he’s never even mentioned wanting kids of his own. Not that we’ve spoken about it. He may not have even thought of it. I know I haven’t. It’s never been my dream to be a mom, but I haven’t ruled it out either. It’s one of those things I’ve put in the “future Lainey” basket and tried to forget about. Just like figuring out what I’m going to do with my life.
When I get to the back of the house, I slide open the glass door and pause at the threshold, the sound of a tense conversation pulling me up short.
“I’m not upset that you did it,” Summer says, the emotion clear in her voice. “I’m upset that you did it behind my back.”
“I didn’t know she was going to do that,” Thomas responds, his tone pleading. “I never asked her to.”
A shiver runs through me as I panic. Did I completely misread her mood? Was it me all along? Oh God. She knows.
My face scrunches as I decide what to do. I need Josh’s bag, but I don’t want to risk one of them hearing me.
“I honestly thought you’d want to know.” Thomas’s voice drops, and my heart sinks for him. “Summer, please. I’m sorry.”
A silence fills the air and I freeze, terrified to move until they start talking again.
“I’m sorry too,” Summer finally says, and I release a sigh as though I’m the one she’s talking to.
“What are you going to do?” Thomas asks, but I don’t wait to hear anymore, tiptoeing into Josh’s room to grab the bag before sneaking back out the door, slowly sliding it closed behind me.
The second the breeze hits me, I relax, but when I look up, Dylan’s watching me curiously, his brows raised in question. “Uh…sorry.” I glance back at the house, unsure what to tell him. “I just walked in on a private conversation,” I say to keep things short.
Dylan tenses, his gaze moving to where mine has just been. “Is everything okay?”
“I…I’m sure it will be.” I’m actually not sure at all, but how can I answer that? I don’t want him running inside guns blazing after Thomas, but I also don’t want to lie. “Maybe give them a minute?” I shrug and Dylan nods as he opens the car door, buckling Josh into his car seat.
“You take off,” he says after shutting Josh’s door. “I’ll text Summer before I go inside.”
I raise an eyebrow, not even bothering to hide my skepticism, and Dylan laughs. “I didn’t say I’d wait for her to respond.”
Yep, I saw that coming. But I get it. He’s worried about Summer. Just like I’m worried about Thomas.
“Good luck,” I say before getting into the car, but God, I hope it’s not needed.
As soon as I walk through the gates to the park, I spot a familiar figure and cringe. Turning away, I lower my face to hide from where Nate is pushing a little girl on the swing, hoping he hasn’t seen me. I glance down at Josh in his stroller, practically leaping out of his seat, and a little part of me wishes I could leave. Only he loves it here and we can’t go home.
What I can do is plead ignorant. To pretend I haven’t seen him.
Moving toward the grass area, I make it five steps before someone calls out, but it doesn’t sound like Nate. No, the voice sounds suspiciously like…
“Joel, hi,” I say with a forced smile as I look their way. “Oh and Nate. You’re both here.”
With no other choice, I spin the stroller around and head back in their direction. “Is this a playdate? Or can anyone join?” I ask as I reach them, trying to hide my nerves.
Nate laughs while Joel shakes his head. “Lainey Bennett,” he says like he’s shocked to see me.
“In the flesh.” I smile but it feels forced.
“It’s been too long. How are you?”
“I’m doing well.” I half lie. “I’m sure you know I’m working for Summer and Dylan now. Obviously, since I have Josh here with me.” I laugh but I guarantee it’s easy to see I’m uncomfortable. Which has everything to do with Nate and the last time I saw him. “Anyway. That’s me. You’re all caught up.”
Joel chuckles as Nate eyes me curiously.
“Thomas is living there too, right?” Joel asks with a smile as he bends down to lift a beautiful little girl into his arms. “This is Chloe, by the way.”
Chloe smiles as I say hi, but when she spots Josh in the stroller, her smile widens. “Looks like these two know each other well,” I say as Josh bounces in his seat.
“They do. I think it was love at first sight,” Joel jokes while I take advantage of the change in topic and lift Josh out of the stroller, placing him down on a blanket I’ve spread on the grass.
“It’s nice to see you all have kids around the same age. That must be fun.”
“It’s been great,” Joel says as he bops Chloe on the nose. “And I could talk about her all day but…we were having an adult conversation, right?” he asks and I play dumb.
“I can’t remember; I got distracted by Chloe’s adorable grin and beautiful locks.” I signal to her thick, wavy, caramel hair, and I think I’ve gotten away with my response until Nate enters the conversation.
“You were asking about Thomas,” he says to Joel before looking at me. “How’s that going?”
“Oh. I’ve barely seen him,” I lie with a flick of my wrist, catching Nate’s sympathetic smile from the corner of my eye as I answer directly to Joel.
“It’s good to see them getting along,” Joel says, his smile so genuine I want to hug him. “And it’s nice to have him around more often. It’s like the last of the family has returned home.”
I smile wide, but when I think about Summer and Thomas’s argument, a sinking feeling settles in my stomach. I really hope I didn’t just mess it all up for them. Maybe Thomas was wrong and Summer does actually care if we date. The conversation sure seemed to point that way, and if it wasn’t that, I almost feel worse, because what the hell happened?
Nate introduces me to his two-year-old, Addie, when she’s had enough of the swing, and the topic of conversation moves on to the kids. And while Josh isn’t mine, I feel a lot more comfortable knowing I have plenty to discuss if I refer back to my time volunteering.
We’ve been chatting for over an hour, playing with the kids, when Joel takes Chloe to change her diaper, leaving Nate and me alone. Well, mostly alone—we’ve still got two kids needing our attention, something I cling to. But unfortunately, that’s not enough to delay his first question.
“How are things really going with Thomas?”
“And Summer?” I question him, knowing that’s not what he’s asking.
“And you?” he confirms. Dammit.
I huff out a sigh before giving him another forced smile. I don’t want to tell him anything until we’ve told Summer and Dylan…and Luke. “We’ve talked a lot and… Do you see him often?”
“I see him a bit. Why?”
“Are you worried? I know he’s still drinking on occasion, but do you think it’s an issue? Like before?” I hate talking about him behind his back, but since I haven’t been here for six years, I want to know if his friends have noticed anything.
Nate smiles sympathetically, and I hold my breath, waiting for his response. “Yes, I’ve seen him drunk since…back then. For the first year or so, whenever I saw him, he was completely sober. But then he started drinking a few beers here and there and… I didn’t think it was the same as before…”
“But…”
“But he’s trying. He wants to be better.”
I know that. He told me last night, but has he said something to Nate?
I nod and thank him with a grin just as Joel comes back. I want to ask more, but I should be asking Thomas, not Nate. I know there’s more going on. I saw it in his body language when he came home drunk last week, and it breaks my heart to think that no one really sees him anymore. Other than maybe Nate. And I mean that in the sense that maybe he’s done a damn good job of projecting the life he thinks he should have. The life of a famous football player. The guy with all the money, all the women, all the fame.
The guy that should be happy.
But he’s not. At least not completely. Not at the deepest level. But he’s willing to work on it with me, as soon as we know what it is we need to work on.
As always, I hide my feelings and continue to smile as the kids play and we chat, but when Josh starts to yawn, I make my move.
“That’s my cue,” I say, gesturing to Josh. “It was great catching up with you both.”
“I’ll be seeing you again in an hour,” Joel says, making my brows furrow while he laughs. “I’m popping over to have a drink with Dylan. We invited Nate, but he’s too busy with his girls.”
Nate huffs, unperturbed. “I only get weekends to spend with Cory and Addie, so I make the most of it.”
After saying our goodbyes, I drive home, and the tension in my chest tightens as a deeper understanding hits me. Thomas mentioned he felt lonely, and I didn’t get it. But now I see. He may spend his time surrounded by teammates and friends, but have any of them tried to understand him, or asked if he’s okay?
Luke calls when I’m almost back, and because I haven’t slept there since I found out he knew about Thomas and me, and I haven’t answered his millions of calls, I finally give in. If I’m being honest, I think I’m answering because all the talk about family has made me miss him.
But… “What do you want, a-hole?” I’m still not letting him off easy. “Also, little ears warning.”
“Noted. And I deserve that. I’ve had time to think, and I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry.” My eyes widen. Well, call me shocked. “Did that really just come out of your mouth?”
“Yes, but in my defense, Thomas told me not to tell you, and I genuinely thought you were happy without him.”
“So why not tell me when I mentioned I was working with Summer?”
Luke curses but it’s mumbled, so I don’t tell him off. “A little part of me thought that was for fun. I knew something you didn’t know. Kind of like you teasing me about your job.” Dammit. I can’t hate him for that. “Have you seen him much?”
“I have.”
“And…”
“We’re talking things through. It’s been a long time and…we’re talking.” That’s all Luke needs to know. He’s not a relationship guy…at all. So he’d undoubtedly tune out anyway.
“Good, I’m glad you’re trying to work things out, and I give my wholehearted permission for you to date.”
“What the actual beep?” I want to say fuck, because his comment definitely deserved it, but I can’t. Luke bursts out laughing, and I realize he’s joking. Thank God.
“Thomas is a good guy. He did me a solid right after you left, and he cares about you. A lot. Like he’d-risk-his-career cares about you.”
I know he’s referring to their little trip to find Travis, but I want to see if he’ll tell me. “What does that mean?” I ask, holding back a smile in case he hears it in my voice. “And why do I feel like you’re up to something?”
Luke laughs. “I’m not up to anything. Now. But trust me when I say, that man would move mountains for you.” My heart melts even though I’m starting to understand that too.
“Can you stop talking around whatever it is you’ve got to say?”
“Nope,” he pops the p. “But maybe one day.”
I roll my eyes and wish he was here so I could punch him in the shoulder. He’s still keeping secrets. What a little shit. I’m about to hang up on his ass when his annoying little voice rushes to speak, knowing me well. “Don’t hang up. Can we talk? Can you come over? Shadow misses you too.” As if he trained her to make me feel guilty, she barks on cue as he begs. “Please, Lainey.”
Dammit. How can I say no to that?
“Okay, Luke. I’ll be home Monday. It’s my day off.”
“Good. Thank you. Talk then.”
“We will. And make sure your latest hookup is gone by the time I arrive,” I rush out before he hangs up, making him laugh even louder.
“Oh, Care Bear. You say that like I let them stay over.”
He chuckles as I disconnect the call, shaking my head with a laugh. I can’t wait for the day he falls in love.
Josh is asleep when I pull in, but since he only just nodded off, I have about five minutes for the sweet spot transfer. And I thank the lucky stars when it works. I’ve just closed his door when I hear soft music coming from the kitchen and the sound of Thomas singing along.
I smile to myself, picturing him messing up the words, but from a distance, I can’t tell. A giddy feeling takes over my chest, and instead of the nerves I was feeling in the car, the tension clears and I suddenly see everything clearly.
Six years ago, he set me free to save me, and now it’s my turn to stay and do the same. I’m stronger. I know I won’t fall back into the same patterns we were in, even if Thomas does. I know I can keep my head straight. I wasn’t lying when I said I’d loved Thomas since I was a teen. I never stopped and can’t imagine that’s going to change any time soon. I’d rather spend my life with him, working together to slay our demons, than staying apart, both of us miserable when we could be happy.
With that in mind, I stand tall, and a new clarity has me walking toward him with a confident grin. But when the kitchen comes into view, I pause, my smile instantly morphing into a frown, my chest filling with unease.
Thomas is hunched over the counter, a bottle of Jack in front of him, his fingers pressed into his temple. He’s still singing, but now that I can hear it clearly, it’s mumbled and all over the place.
Thomas’s words, “It’s a social thing,” run through my mind as I frown, watching in silence as he runs his hands down his face, his chest heaving every so often when he sucks in a breath.
He’s still so broken.
I can’t imagine the toll it’s taken to keep up the facade that he does. To project a happiness he thinks he should be feeling while actually being empty inside.
The more I watch, the more my heart cracks, and I’m just about to step closer when Josh coughs and his monitor picks it up, drawing Thomas’s attention, a wide smile instantly lighting up his face. Projecting again. I want to help, but the question is, will he believe me when I tell him what I think?