Chapter Fifty-Four
Thomas
“Hey you,” I say as I peer over my shoulder, subtly moving the bottle to the sink. “Summer mentioned you’d gone to the park. I thought you’d be hours.”
“We usually would be,” Lainey says, her smile soft. “But Josh met some friends and they kind of wore him out.”
“Friends?” I raise an eyebrow.
“Yeah. Chloe and Addie.” Lainey laughs. “They may be young, but they both have him wrapped around their little fingers.”
I laugh along with her, but even to my ears it sounds forced, so I smile instead. The shame I feel at the possibility of Lainey seeing me like this settles in my chest, but I have to hope she just walked in.
“Is everything okay?” she asks, her brows furrowed as she eyes me curiously. I wait for her gaze to shift to the sink, but when it doesn’t, I relax. Maybe she didn’t see. But fuck, I need to try harder. For me. For her.
“Yep, everything’s good,” I say as I walk closer, grabbing her waist and pressing my lips to her temple. “I—” My phone rings, cutting off my thoughts, and I curse under my breath as I silence it. “Summer’s out until three,” I say without checking the screen. “So if Josh continues to sleep after I get this, do you think I could steal you for a bit?”
Lainey nods, her small smile back in place.
“And when she gets home,” I add, my chest tight, “I want to tell her everything.” Lainey’s eyes widen, making me chuckle as I run my thumb across her cheek. “Maybe not everything. Just enough for her to know how I feel and that I plan for you to be around for a long time.”
Her smile widens but it doesn’t meet her eyes, making me worry. “Are you okay?” I ask, linking our fingers.
“I’m fine,” Lainey says, squeezing my hand, “but I’m nervous about the fact that Summer will know about last night.”
“Don’t worry about that; I’ve already explained it. I told her about the rain.”
“And me?” She panics and my head suddenly spins.
“No.” I chuckle again, smoothing out her brow lines as I blink a few times. “Not yet.”
My phone rings again, and I roll my eyes before kissing her temple once more. I’d ignore the call if I wasn’t expecting one from my agent, knowing this is likely to be him. “I…I won’t be long. Can you, uh…can you work your magic to keep Josh asleep?”
I kiss her again, before walking slowly into the yard, beelining for the large oak tree, resting against it to keep myself balanced. I didn’t think I was drunk, but somewhere between my last sip and now, it seems the alcohol has entered my bloodstream, and my head is a little foggy.
My phone continues to ring, and when I finally check the screen, I panic, feeling worse. Dylan.
“Goddammit.” I know why he’s calling. He’ll have heard the full story of my conversation with Summer and wants to give me a piece of his mind. To tell me I fucked up. The thing is… I already know that. I don’t need him telling me off for it to sink in. I didn’t do it intentionally. I didn’t even ask for it. But it happened, and now, once again, I’ve hurt Summer. Just when I was finally starting to think I could move out from under this dark cloud.
I stare down at Dylan’s call, trying to focus on the screen as my vision blurs, letting it ring until it goes to voice message. Summer has every right to be angry with me. But she wasn’t angry and that’s part of the problem. She was disappointed. The look on her face when she told me that Mom had called her was devastating. Summer has a brother. Another brother. One she never wanted to find out about. And while I never set out to hurt her, I started that conversation. I was the one that confronted Mom and questioned her about Summer’s dad. But that was years ago, and I never thought she’d do something about it after all this time.
My conversation with Summer plays on repeat in my mind, swirling around my head as the fog settles. My palm flexes, itching for another drink, but I stay put. If I hadn’t seen Lainey, I’d be heading straight back into the kitchen, but the look on her face, the worry in her expression, has me using all my strength not to move.
To avoid temptation. Because she deserves better.
Dylan calls again, but I still don’t answer. Instead, I focus on Lainey—on her smile, on the feel of her skin beneath my touch, on her heart. My hands shake, but I pump them a few times, smiling to myself like that will make it all better.
And when Dylan calls for what feels like the millionth time, I give in and man up, bouncing my shoulders in an effort to prepare myself for his verbal punches.
“I know why you’re calling.” My voice comes out clearer than I expected and I’m thankful. “And—”
“Summer’s in the hospital,” he blurts, making my stomach drop. “She fainted while out for a jog and hit her head when she fell. She’s stable, but they’re—”
“Where is she?” I cut him off as panic rises in my chest, my head instantly clearing.
“They’ve taken her to Wakefield Hospital. I’m on my way now. But Thomas, I spoke to her. She’s okay. We just wanted you to know.”
“I’ll meet you there. I’m about… I’ll be about twenty minutes behind you.”
Dylan breathes out a sigh of relief, and his relief comforts me. “Thanks, man,” he says, making my chest tighten. “I appreciate that,” he adds, before hanging up.
I turn to rush inside and find Lainey staring at me with wide eyes. “Fuck, Lainey.” I pull her into my arms. “Summer’s in the hospital and—”
“I heard.” She glances at Josh sleeping on the monitor as tears prick her eyes.
“She’s okay. Dylan would have said if she wasn’t. I’ll call you when I’m with her, but I’m assuming Dylan will call you next.”
After pressing a kiss to her brow, I take a deep breath and rush inside, praying I can keep it together enough to grab my wallet and keys. And I do. I take another deep breath before meeting Lainey again, squeezing her hand as I pass by. “I’ll call soon.”
“Wait.” She visibly panics. “Where are you going?” she calls out as I walk toward my truck parked at the back of the house.
My brows furrow but I don’t stop as I peer over my shoulder. “To see Summer.”
“How?”
“My truck.” I shrug, confused. “I promise, I’ll call soon.”
I jog to my door and jump in, ready to go faster than I would have thought possible. Yet, as I shift into drive, I pause.
Fuck. I can’t drive.But if I get out now, Lainey’s going to know I’ve been drinking. I curse just as the passenger door flies open, and Lainey slides in beside me, closing the door with a bang.
“What are you doing?” I rush out, my body heating.
“What am I doing?” she snaps. “What the hell are you doing?”
What? Ignoring her, my eyes flash to the monitor in her hand. “Josh is inside. Go back in. I’ll call you soon.”
“Josh is fine.” She glances at her watch. “And Joel’s almost here. If you wait until he arrives, he can look after Josh so I can come with you.”
My hands start shaking again, but I flex them a few times and ignore it. “You can’t come,” I say through clenched teeth, fighting to control my nerves.
“Why?” she asks, her expression blank.
“Because Joel isn’t here and–”
“He’s not far. We can wait.”
I shake my head, as my panic rises. I can’t lie to her again, but I don’t want to disappoint her.
“Lainey, please, I have to go.” And I don’t want you to see me getting out of my truck. Of course, Lainey doesn’t listen, and with one hand clutching the baby monitor, she buckles her seat belt and twists in her seat to face me. “Joel’s here now.” She points to Joel’s motorcycle coming down the driveway. “Just let me explain the situation and then we can drive,” she says pointedly, no room for negotiation as she pulls out her phone and starts typing something.
“Who are you texting?”
“Joel. I’m letting him know where Josh is so I don’t have to get out of the truck to meet him.”
“Lainey, I can’t.”
“Can’t what?” Her voice rises as she stares at me in challenge. Which means... fuck.
“Lainey…”
“Don’t ‘Lainey’ me,” she snaps again, but her voice wavers, the disappointment seeping through. “Be honest. Why can’t you drive?”
“I’m over the limit, okay,” I yell, but I’m not angry at her, and I’m angry at the situation and disappointed in myself. “I’ve been drinking,” I add, softer this time. “And I don’t want you to be here. Please, go. I can’t stand knowing I’ve disappointed you again.”
Lainey releases a sigh as her eyes water. “You told me it was social, Thomas. This isn’t social. It’s the middle of the day and you’re alone. Why didn’t you tell me it was worse?”
I shake my head as though she’s wrong but she’s not, and I hate myself for it. The disappointment in her gaze is killing me. This is why I didn’t want her to know. She deserves better and I…
“It’s an occasional thing during the offseason,” I admit, defeated. “When I have things on my mind.” When I get lonely or the darkness takes hold. “It’s…it’s not often.”
“Then why are you hiding it? Why not talk to me about it? Tell me what happened to make you drink today. Be—”
“Because I told you I’d fix myself,” I yell again before sucking in a breath, my shoulders dropping. “I failed,” I whisper, my voice cracking. “You thrived and I failed. Miserably. The deal was that we’d contact each other once we were out of the darkness. But the truth is, I’m still hovering somewhere in the shadows. I let you down and I’m trying to fix us. I want to fix us more than anything in this world. This morning meant everything to me, and I vowed to myself that I’d change, but I still couldn’t stop myself. I’m still fucking up.” Tears well in my eyes, but I ignore them as Lainey’s gaze softens.
“Oh, Thomas.” Her voice wavers as the first tear falls, and when Joel reaches us, she frantically wipes at her eyes, offering him a smile in thanks before turning her attention back to me. “I think this is bigger than you realize. I think—”
“I want to deserve you, Lainey. I want to be the kind of guy that does right by you. The kind of guy you don’t have to question. But I’ve tried that, and I keep messing up. With you. With Summer. I tried to find her family. Mom finally confessed that Summer and I had different dads, and I tried to find her family. I failed at that too, and yet it still came back to bite me in the ass because Mom did it instead. Mom searched, and when she found them, she called Summer and blamed it all on me. Told her it was me that pushed her to do it.”
“You were trying to help.”
No. I shake my head, refusing to let her make excuses for me. “Summer told me not to. She didn’t want to know. This all happened years ago, but I still didn’t listen.”
“Is that what you were discussing this morning? Is that why you were drinking?” From her new sympathetic tone, I know she’s beginning to understand me. Though knowing doesn’t make it right.
“Some days I’m so happy, I feel like everything is finally falling into place. Like my life is finally going somewhere. I felt that way last night and this morning…with you. But other days, when I’m alone, or the moments when I’m reminded of the past, the darkness consumes me. I can see the train coming but can’t do a single thing to stop it from plowing into me, from wiping out what small sliver of happiness I was starting to collect.”
Lainey unbuckles her seat belt and climbs over the center console, straddling my lap. Her soft delicate hands grip my face before she forces me to look at her. “This isn’t just an alcohol problem, Thomas. You haven’t been able to beat it because you haven’t been able to identify the cause.”
I shake my head, but I don’t know what I’m trying to convey. “I appreciate you trying to make me feel better, but I don’t deserve it. I—”
“Have you ever looked into depression?” she cuts me off.
“What?” That’s ridiculous. “I can’t have depression. I have a life people only dream about. I’m a professional football player. I get to be the person I always wanted to be day in and day out. I’ve got it all. The only thing I was missing was you, but now…” I smile. “My life is amazing.”
“From the outside.”
“What?”
Lainey smiles but there’s a sadness to it. “I agree, your life is amazing…from the outside. People would kill to be in your position. Men want to be you. Women want to date you…or marry you.” Her lips lift into a lopsided grin and her nose crinkles, perhaps referring back to what I said this morning. “For anyone looking in, you do have it all. But that means nothing, Thomas. Not if you’re unhappy.”
“I’m not. I am happy. At times. I love what I do. I love being around Summer and her family. I love—”
“Her family,” Lainey cuts in, making me pause. My brows furrow and I feel so lost when it comes to this conversation. “You said ‘her family,’” she repeats when I don’t respond. “But I happen to know that they all consider you one of their own.”
Emotion clogs my throat because I hate admitting that I don’t see that. I never have. Not that I’ve ever told anyone that. “They say that, but it’s never…”
“Felt real?”
“Yeah,” I whisper. “It never felt real.” But is that because I wouldn’t let it? Holy fuck. I can’t be depressed. Can I?
“We don’t have to figure it all out now,” Lainey says, giving my face a gentle squeeze until I look her in the eye. “But I want you to know that I’m here for you. Whatever we need to do, we do it together. No toxicity, no lies. We move forward as a team.”
I try to talk, but the words get stuck in my throat, so instead, I wrap my arms around her waist, burying my face in her chest, the weight of the world feeling like it’s lifting.
I stay like that for a while, lost in the feel of her, my body shaking as emotion gathers in my chest.
“Am I allowed to say the words yet?” I ask, sitting up, mimicking her earlier move by cupping her cheek with my hand.
Lainey smiles as she shakes her head. “You don’t have to say anything; I already know.” She leans forward and rests her forehead to mine before brushing our noses together. “And I feel the same. Come on,” she adds, after a deep breath. “I’ll drive you to see Summer. Just let me double-check on Josh.”
She presses her lips to mine in a chaste kiss, and waits for me to nod before getting out of the truck, pulling me out with her. “I’ll be back,” she says and then rushes off, jogging toward the door, while I watch her, my heart in the palm of her hand.
My life in her hands.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve felt out of control when it came to the darkness that consumed me. But with only a few words, Lainey was able to shine a light on it, to make me finally see some sense in my feelings.
And while that’s scary as hell, knowing she’s going to be there every step of the way already makes me feel stronger for it.