Chapter Twenty-Two
Ezz spent much of the run-up to Christmas alone, not even telling Thea that instead of working over the festive season, she’d abandoned the Larsson family to their own devices.
For a couple of days, she stayed in bed and read, losing herself in the lives of the characters that peopled the pages of books filled with glorious, happy Christmases, as if some might rub off on her. Mats sent a few messages: Thinking of you. Are you OK? Can I call? Eventually, she sent a terse, I’m fine.
Valentina remained stubbornly silent but for a Christmas card signed ‘ Love from Valentina, Gary and Barnaby ’ and a present Ezz placed on the mantelpiece, as she didn’t feel like putting up a tree. Ezz hadn’t tried to contact Julia or Iona any further, and neither had they been back in touch.
On Christmas Eve, she decided she was being pathetic and should get up and shower. Unsure what to do after accomplishing that feat, she took herself for a drive down the Sleat Peninsula, right through Armadale Bay to park at a spot that seemed half beach and half mud near Ardvasar – just the place for a wintry hike. When she left the car, the iron-cold air stung her exposed skin and sleet landed like icy grains of rice on her coat. The sea was the colour of ice, too, and the mountains on the mainland dodged snowy heads in and out of pillowy clouds while ducks swam on the sea amongst the seagulls.
She didn’t feel Christmassy, but Skye was still beautiful in its wintry clothes as her hiking boots carried her away from the sea, and into the hilly scenery. Heather, bracken and the longer grasses had turned amazing ambers and ochres. A swathe of spruce and pine looked like a big green grin with an occasional dead tree like a bad tooth; and white birch trunks were spotted with lichen, like off-colour Dalmatians. Sheep munched unconcernedly on the hillsides, barely glancing up as she panted up the steep incline of their field.
When she turned to retrace her steps, she paused to admire the way the clouds parted to allow the winter sun to illuminate one particularly snowy mountaintop across the silvery waters of the Sound of Sleat. It was easier walking back down, of course, and peaceful with the rushing of the wind combining pleasantly with the occasional ‘Baa-a’ from a sheep.
The sharp air at least gave her an appetite. She stamped mud from her boots before driving back up the peninsula and over the moor to Broadford, watching the Cuillin Mountains drawing closer, Beinn na Caillich in the vanguard of her white-headed mountain friends. Ezz joined the thronged aisles at the supermarket to buy supplies for the next few days. She deliberately hadn’t made Christmassy suggestions to Thea and Dev, and they hadn’t either, so she presumed they wanted a quiet time together. Then she crossed the main road to a café and found full Scottish breakfast was being served, complete with haggis and black pudding to go with eggs, bacon, sausage and mushroom.
After eating a healthy portion, she felt more herself.
When she finally reached home, she shouldered her way indoors with her bags in either hand and discovered an A4 envelope on the doormat, her name on the front. Dumping her bags, she found that it was packed with Christmas cards bearing God Jul and Merry Christmas . She read each one, unsure whether to be glad or sorry that she’d been out when the envelope had been delivered. Astrid had made a card depicting a wobbly Santa from her and Alvin – who had scribbled an A and a V and added something in brown crayon that Ezz suspected was meant to be Clive the donkey. Walter had crayoned a picture of a Christmas tree from him, Liam and Ronja, and Filip and Emil had managed a card each, with Christmas stockings on the front. Grete and Erik had written in a shop-bought card thanking her for all her hard work all year and enclosing a generous gift voucher.
Mats’ card she left till last. He’d found one handmade by one of the island’s crafters, a small watercolour sketch of Rothach Bay, with rows of cottage roofs peeping between the trees and tiny boats out on the water. Inside he’d written, I think of you every day. And added a long row of kisses. She propped all the cards carefully on her mantelpiece.
Tears wobbled down her cheeks because, too busy feeling the loss of Mats before he’d even left, it hadn’t occurred to her to write cards to anyone at Rothach Hall. She wondered who’d put the big envelope through her door; whether the children had been there and been disappointed not to find her at home. And Mats. How he’d felt. She hoped he realised her absence from Rothach Hall was for the best now Inger had joined the family for Christmas. Just the thought made her heart feel as if it had lost a layer of skin.
Later in the afternoon, Thea rang. ‘Have you finished work for the day?’
‘Oh, um.’ Ezzie decided on the truth. ‘I’ve taken a few days off after all.’
Thea sighed. ‘Because of Mats? Oh, Ezz, I’m sorry it ended badly. But will you come up and FaceTime Valentina? I’m feeling much better now. Everything looks fine with the baby and the midwife says I should enjoy a gentle Christmas. Spend the rest of Christmas Eve with us. Dev and I have been baking. We bought this eating-for-pregnancy cookbook and it’s amazing. I feel full of beans. Well, I suppose I am full of beans, and broccoli, and fruit, nuts, and lean organic meat.’ She giggled.
Ezz forced her mind to think of Christmas foodie treats. And family. ‘Of course,’ she said brightly. ‘How lovely. Does Valentina know we’re FaceTiming?’ Wrapped up in her regrets, it hadn’t occurred to her that Thea would expect the sisters to spend virtual time together, but Thea had specified ‘a quiet Christmas’, not ‘ignoring Christmas altogether’.
‘Absolutely,’ Thea said. ‘She and Barnaby will be ready at seven, so wrap up warm and get your bum up here. I’ll mix you a festive mocktail and Dev’s put chocolate bananas in the oven. Don’t dress up because I can’t wear anything that doesn’t have an elasticated waist, or I have to leave the buttons open for my belly.’ Thea sounded delighted and awestruck at this indication of progressing pregnancy.
Ezzie felt an infinitesimal lifting of her heart. ‘Very happy to hear both about the chocolate bananas and the belly.’
So, she wrapped up warm as instructed and strode through the village, where a Christmas tree seemed to sparkle from every window. Ribbons of mist floated along the street as she pulled her collar higher against the burning cold. A man hurrying the other way smiled and called, ‘Merry Christmas, Ezz,’ and she realised it was Gus, one of the Regular Drinkers from the pub.
She called back, ‘Merry Christmas,’ as if it was merry. Then she offered the same greeting to two couples also heading towards the Jolly Abbot, and a woman clutching a handful of envelopes, presumably engaged in last-minute Christmas card deliveries.
Ten minutes later, Ezz was ensconced before the fire in Thistledome, with Thea presenting her with a cranberry mocktail, and Dev passing her a plate containing a long foil parcel. ‘I made you your favourite.’ He grinned, his teeth white through his dark stubble.
‘Yum, chocolate baked banana.’ Ezz lost no time unwrapping her treat, warm and soft, with melted chocolate oozing from a slit down the middle of the fruit. ‘Oh, my,’ she breathed, taking a forkful. ‘It’s delicious.’ Daisy the fluffy dog sat at Ezz’s feet, gazing fixedly at the plate as if hoping the contents would roll off and into her mouth.
‘And very healthy if it’s made with good-quality chocolate,’ Thea assured her, picking up her own fork. ‘Or, at least, not too un healthy.’
Ezz halted, her own fork poised, while she studied her sister critically. ‘Thea,’ she breathed in awe. ‘You’re showing .’
Blushing, Thea cupped her stomach. ‘I’m fifteen-and-a-half weeks, so I’m allowed to show, aren’t I?’ Then the two sisters were hugging, trying to keep their plates level so as not to drop their bananas and let Daisy get the chocolate, which was very bad for dogs.
‘I’m so thrilled for you. You’re going to be such an awesome mum,’ Ezz choked, feeling a belated stirring of Christmas spirit. All her problems, however hurtful or insurmountable, could not outweigh her joy that Thea had been able to keep her baby. She emerged from the hug with tears on her cheeks. ‘Look at me getting all emosh.’
They finished their bananas, but then Thea received a text. She frowned. ‘Valentina’s not available this evening after all. She says: “This evening’s crazy. Will explain tomorrow.” Bummer,’ she added disappointedly.
Although, in one way, Ezz felt as if she’d received a reprieve from having to talk to Valentina in front of Thea and pretend that everything was normal, she also wondered whether Valentina had simply felt unequal to faking a smile for Ezz. ‘Oh, dear,’ she commiserated. Then she feigned needing a bathroom break so she could text Valentina without Thea knowing.
If you’ve put off FaceTiming because of me, why don’t you FT Thea first thing in the morning, on her own? We can pretend you did the same for me, if you want. And she added two kisses, because she wanted Valentina to know she still loved her, despite Ezz having been sent to live in the doghouse.
The reply arrived as she was washing her hands. It’s not that. X
Ezz sent back an OK . If the problem wasn’t her and she still merited a kiss, that was something she supposed.
She found Thea lying in wait for her on the landing, her dark eyes filled with concern. ‘Are you OK?’ she demanded. ‘You’re so quiet and sad. You must be more upset than I realised about Mats Larsson.’
Glad that Thea hadn’t tuned in to the discord between Ezz and Valentina, she went for a simple – and truthful – response. ‘Yeah, but I’ll get over it. Sorry if I’m bringing the party down.’
Thea tiptoed to give Ezz a big hug. ‘Let me show you the nursery to cheer you up. Though it looks like an empty room rather than a nursery just now.’ She led Ezzie two steps up the landing to her tiny spare room, which currently boasted bare floorboards and an uncurtained window. ‘The old furniture’s gone to a charity so we can paint the walls before choosing a new carpet,’ Thea explained, beaming. ‘We’re going to get one of those things that start as a cot and then become a bed later, because it’s such a titchy room. There’s a wardrobe to match. I’ll show you on my phone.’
While Thea located the appropriate website, Ezz slipped an arm around her lovely little sister. ‘Next Christmas will be a lot different, won’t it?’ she said, concentrating on the good things. ‘I’ll be able to spoil your baby with an entire sackful of gifts.’
And a whole year would have passed – ample time for Ezz to have got over Mats, when he’d returned to being a very occasional visitor to Rothach again.
Christmas Day began slowly. Ezzie awoke wondering what Mats was doing and whether the children at the hall had loved their presents. She pictured Mats lying on the playroom floor, helping Astrid with her Lego princess palace and then, more painfully, imagined Inger joining the family for the festive meals.
Luckily, Thea, Dev and Daisy arrived to take Ezz for a wintry walk. ‘We didn’t suggest it yesterday because I never know if I’m going to wake up with morning sickness,’ Thea explained candidly, her hood pushed back from pink cheeks. ‘But as I’m OK, we thought a walk, then you come to us for a Christmas brunch of home-made pancakes, fruit and yoghurt, and we can give you your presents. After that I’ll probably get tired, so can we bring our food down to you and we all have Christmas dinner together? Maybe we’ll be able to get Valentina then. I tried again this morning, but she didn’t answer. Have you tried?’
Ezz was able to answer with perfect truth, ‘No, but I haven’t been up long. Those Christmas Day plans sound great. I can cook dinner while you chill.’
‘We’ll do it together,’ Dev said.
Daisy whined, probably wanting to get on with her ramble around the village.
After the walk in a perfect frosty day that made the bracken and heather amber and bronze, transformed the burn into a snake of ice and hung the rocks with icicles, the idea of brunch at Thistledome was even more appealing.
‘I’m in charge of pancakes,’ Dev announced, and spooned out batter to make beautifully even circles that turned golden first on one side and then the other as he flipped them.
‘I made fruit coulis yesterday,’ Thea explained. ‘It’s got sugar in, obviously, but not too much. Would you like to put out these strawberries, the fresh pineapple and yoghurt?’
Ezz inspected the feast. ‘I think it needs chocolate.’
Dev’s face lit up. ‘Let’s grate some.’
After brunch, they gathered around Thea’s Christmas tree – a ‘wee one’, as Dev called it, because Thistledome was ‘wee’ too. Ezz gave her gifts first, wrapped in gold paper with red ribbon. Thea’s was a red, snuggly fleece dressing gown. ‘It’s wraparound, so there’ll be plenty of room for baby,’ Ezz said.
To Dev she gave crystal whisky tumblers with pewter bases. He beamed. ‘I’ll have a wee dram later.’
And she gave them both the knitted rabbit-ears hat and bob-tailed bootees that she’d bought in Portree for the baby. ‘I know it’ll be a summer baby, but you can get chilly summer days here on Skye.’
Thea’s eyes glistened. ‘Aw, Ezz.’
Dev grinned and walked the bootees over Thea’s stomach to make them all laugh.
When Ezz unwrapped her presents from them – the wrapping paper bore pictures of Highland cows in Santa hats – she found the most gorgeous smoky blue angora hat, with thick faux-fur trim, and navy-blue sweatshirt bearing the legend ‘Auntie’ on the front.
After such a large brunch, it was early afternoon before they loaded up Dev’s car to transport the turkey, veg and Christmas pudding to Ezz’s place. ‘You’ve done more Christmas food shopping than me,’ Ezz said guiltily. ‘I wasn’t feeling very Christmassy when I shopped.’
Thea just beamed. ‘You can do it all next year when I’m busy with the baby.’ That made Ezz’s eyes fill with happy tears.
Ezz and Dev carried in the supplies while Thea put Daisy’s bed in the kitchen. Then Thea was despatched to the sofa to doze before the TV while Ezz put the turkey in the oven. She’d just said, ‘Dev, do you think you could wash the patio set ready to bring into the lounge later?’ when her front door banged open.
Daisy gave a shocked, ‘Arf, arf, arf!’ and rose vertically from her bed.
Then Barnaby jumped into the hall wearing a pirate costume, complete with plastic cutlass, bellowing, ‘Merry Christmas! I’m Captain Jack Sparrow.’
Ezz jumped so hard she hit her hip painfully on the front of the oven. ‘Barnaby?’ she asked faintly, wondering if she was seeing things.
Thea appeared in the lounge doorway. ‘Barnaby? What are you doing here?’
‘It’s Christmas,’ said Barnaby, plainly puzzled by the question. Then, as if it might make a difference to his welcome, he doffed his pirate hat and bowed.
‘Merry Christmas,’ Ezz, Thea and Dev all said at once, rushing to hug Barnaby’s warm little body. He smelled of chocolate.
Through the open front door, Ezz spied Valentina, festooned with bags, plodding up the path. Deveron hurried out to help, while Thea threw herself into Valentina’s arms. ‘Have you come for Christmas after all? This is awesome.’ Then, slowly, drawing back: ‘Is everything OK?’
‘Let me get in first.’ Valentina smiled but her voice was flat. When she and the bags were indoors and the front door shut against the wintry chill, her eyes sought Ezzie’s. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said. And, after a hesitation: ‘To land on you like this. It’s been a difficult few days.’
‘It’s OK,’ said Ezz, with no idea what was going on but alarmed at the anguish in her sister’s eyes.
Barnaby clapped his hat back on. ‘Grandpa’s ill so Dad’s gone to be with him and Grandma.’
Valentina patted his shoulder. ‘That’s right. So, we wanted to come here, didn’t we, Barns?’
‘Yep. We’ve brought most of my presents, so I’ve got lots to play with.’ Barnaby pointed at a Santa sack with his cutlass. His body language was totally different to Valentina’s. He was bouncing and beaming, clearly confident that wherever he went, Christmas would come too. She looked as if she’d been hit by an emotional truck, face pale and eyes haunted. Every line of her body drooped with exhaustion, yet was strung tight with strain.
‘What a wonderful surprise,’ cried Ezz. With Barnaby present, Valentina wasn’t about to confide further details about their sudden appearance. ‘What would you like to drink, Barnaby? Fizzy orange? Or hot chocolate? Sit down, Valentina, and I’ll get you a drink too.’
‘Where’s your Christmas tree?’ Barnaby demanded indignantly, peeping into the lounge.
‘I didn’t know you were coming, so I didn’t put it up,’ Ezz answered. It had seemed a pointless exercise, when she’d only wanted to get Christmas over with as soon as possible. Feeling she’d been a grinch, she sidled into the lounge and switched on the golden fairy lights over the mantelpiece. ‘But if you ask Uncle Dev nicely, he might get it and the decorations out for us, and you could put it up while I cook dinner.’
‘Yeah,’ breathed Barnaby. ‘Please, Uncle Dev?’
The look Valentina sent Ezz brimmed with gratitude, yet at the same time she appeared to be fighting back tears. She whispered, ‘Can I grab an hour alone?’
‘Of course,’ Ezz whispered back, feeling strange to be talking to her as if their quarrel hadn’t happened. So, Valentina vanished upstairs under the guise of putting up the camp bed for Barnaby, while Ezz peeled and parboiled potatoes and made sauce for cauliflower cheese, listening with one ear to laughter from Barnaby, Dev and Thea putting up the tree in the lounge, and with the other to Valentina moving around above her head.
Later, Dev brought the patio set into the lounge, and the five of them squeezed around it, with Daisy at their feet in the hopes of scraps of turkey or sausage stuffing raining down. ‘But where are the crackers?’ Barnaby demanded.
‘We’ll just tell each other jokes instead,’ said Ezz. Crackers were on the long list of things she hadn’t bought.
‘I’ve got a joke book.’ Barnaby scrambled down and yanked it from his bag, proceeding to eat his dinner with one hand while he held the book in the other and read out such gems as, ‘Why did the teddy bear have no pudding? Because he was already stuffed,’ while the others ate crunchy roast potatoes and dark green Brussels sprouts and laughed in the right places. The fact that Valentina said not one word about Barnaby’s unorthodox mealtime behaviour told Ezz just how wrong something must have gone. She exchanged anxious looks with Thea.
After dinner, Dev and Ezz cleared away the dishes. ‘I’m too full for pudding,’ said Barnaby, summing up the feelings of all, with the possible exception of Valentina, who’d pushed her food around her plate more than eating it. ‘Mum, can you help me work out how this car transforms into a dinosaur?’
‘I’ll help too,’ Thea volunteered, patting Valentina’s arm.
After he’d helped Ezz with the clearing up, Dev tried to get Barnaby to come out with him to walk Daisy in the dark. ‘We can count Christmas trees in windows and leave your mum and her sisters to chat.’
But Barnaby might not have been as oblivious to whatever was going on as he’d seemed, because first he said, ‘I want us all to go.’ Then he burst into tears. ‘I want Daddy.’
Valentina hugged him tightly. ‘You’ll see Daddy again soon.’ And then they all went out together, the stars twinkling down from a clear sky and the frost twinkling up at them. The Christmas tree count was over thirty, which wasn’t bad for a tiny village. It was nearly nine p.m. before Valentina finally got Barnaby to bed, his tears dried, his joke book and his dinosaur car on the camp bed with him.
While Daisy snored in the kitchen, Ezz, Thea and Dev waited in the lounge for Valentina to come down, passing around the Christmas chocolates. Finally, she trudged in, great shadows below her eyes, and flopped on a sofa. Thea gazed at her. ‘What’s happened?’
Valentina dropped her face in her hands, her voice emerging dreary and muffled. ‘Gary had an affair. I’ve known for a couple of months. He says it’s over and wants – expects – forgiveness but I can’t force myself to feel it. He’s gone to spend the rest of Christmas and New Year with his parents and brother. That’s what he says, anyway. He’s been lying a lot. We had a row after Barnaby was in bed last night because Gary left his phone on the sofa and a message came up on his lock screen with a number rather than a name. It was just “Merry Christmas, sweet man” but he blushed like fire, so it was obvious who it was. He blustered that he’d blocked her, and she must have changed her number to get round it, so I was making a fuss about nothing. I lost my temper and said I couldn’t face the Christmas holiday with him. He agreed to go to his parents after he’d seen Barnaby unwrap his presents on Christmas morning, and so began the whole “Grandpa’s ill” subterfuge. I hate to think what his parents, Pearl and Frank, think about it – probably that somehow it was my fault.’
‘Oh, Valentina, that’s shitty,’ Ezz breathed, horrified.
Thea slid her arms around Valentina in a big, wordless hug.
Dev muttered, ‘What an arse. And she was obviously trying to be disruptive, so she’s not a nice woman.’
Valentina propped her face on her hand. ‘Ezz, I owe you an apology.’ Her eyes were dull. ‘When you came to Fishermen’s Cottages with Mats, I’d been planning to get you alone to talk over the whole affair thing, because Gary said I ought to be trying harder to get past it for Barnaby’s sake. When, instead of unloading onto you, I had to listen to you confess the truth about that accident, I turned into a shitmonster. I’m so sorry. I was just lashing out.’
‘What?’ Thea whispered and turned her gaze on Ezz. ‘Valentina knows?’
‘Oh,’ said Dev, hollowly, his dark eyes apprehensive as his glance flicked between Thea and her sisters.
Ezz pulled an agonised face in case it would be Thea’s turn to give Ezz the cold shoulder. ‘Mats accidentally spilled the beans. Valentina was really hurt at being excluded, but I didn’t want to tell you because of the baby. Sorry if I did the wrong thing, but if you’d got upset and something had happened …’
It was Valentina who came to Ezz’s rescue. ‘Don’t be angry or upset, Thea. She’s had enough of that from me. I somehow turned all my Gary-rage on Ezz, refusing to listen to her reasons for me being left out of the loop and just being bitchy to her instead.’
After a long moment, Thea breathed out loudly. ‘OK. I can see why you didn’t tell me, Ezz,’ she admitted. ‘If it was while I was in Dumfries, scared to death that we’d lose the baby, I wouldn’t have thanked you for laying extra anxiety on me.’
Ezz had to swallow before she could speak. ‘It’s been horrible.’ A lone tear trickled down her cheek, chased there by all anxieties and disappointments of the last couple of weeks. But now wasn’t the time to rake it all up again. She regarded Valentina anxiously. ‘What’s going to happen, do you know? Is being apart temporary? Or … ?’ She let her question hang in the air.
Fresh tears quivered on Valentina’s lower lids. ‘I suppose that’s what I’m here to think out.’
They chewed over her situation in hushed voices, repeating, ‘I’d never have thought it of Gary,’ at intervals, then Thea reluctantly let Dev chivvy her to the car to drive home. She’d never got her planned afternoon rest and was in danger of yawning her head clean off. ‘OK,’ she said, as she let him help her into her coat. ‘But you’ll be here tomorrow, Valentina?’ Yawn. ‘Yes, I’m coming, Dev.’ Yawn.
‘I’ll be here if Ezzie doesn’t throw me out,’ Valentina promised. ‘I’ll see you then.’
After Thea had let Dev usher her out, Valentina let her head roll back to rest on the sofa. ‘I am sorry, Ezz.’
Ezz could now move onto the same sofa as Valentina. ‘I know. So am I.’ Her heart knew that it was everything they needed to say to each other on the subject for now. Perhaps forever. ‘I’m just so sorry about Gary being a rat.’
A tear seeped from under Valentina’s eyelid. ‘I tried to forgive him. I failed … but maybe I can forget. He’s Barnaby’s dad, and they love each other. Perhaps we can live in the same home and be civilised.’ She sounded incredibly tired.
Ezz, not having a child to put first, thought of Mats in Rothach Hall up on the headland. He and Inger were back to sharing a home with their two children, even if it was an enormous home. Despite everything that had happened, did part of him look at his children and think they were happier with her around? If Andreas was out of the picture, might Mats make the same pragmatic self-sacrifice that Valentina was apparently viewing as a possibility and return to the family home? ‘I can’t blame you for doing what’s best for your child,’ she said. She couldn’t blame Mats, either. She wondered about the woman Gary had had the affair with. Had she known he was married with a young child when she fell for him? Had she been able to help herself?
And did her heart hurt as much as Ezzie’s did?
‘After all,’ she went on dully. ‘I don’t know what it’s like to be a parent. At forty-four, my time’s almost certainly past. I hadn’t realised quite how much until Thea explained why she might not be able to stay pregnant.’
She sensed rather than saw Valentina turning to her. ‘Regrets?’
Ezz sighed. ‘Sometimes, when I see how parents feel about their children. I never made the decision not to have any, but the last decade went by so fast.’
‘The decade since the accident?’ Valentina asked carefully.
‘Yes. That changed my life in more ways than rejecting alcohol. I knew that if I met someone to begin a family with, I’d have to confess what I’d done, and what I have on my conscience. That’s a lot of trust to put in someone’s feelings for me.’
A log in the wood burner shifted and fell. A car passed in the road outside. ‘But you trusted Mats. What’s happening with him?’ Valentina asked. ‘I’ve been so wrapped up in my own crappy situation that I haven’t even asked you where he is.’
Ezz groaned, though she was relieved Valentina hadn’t circled back to why Ezz had trusted Mats and not Valentina. ‘At the hall. And so’s his ex-wife.’
Valentina gave a shocked exclamation. ‘That sucks. How did it happen?’
As Ezz prepared to tell her, she suspected that neither of them would be early to bed. But it was great to have her eldest sister as a confidante once more.