Chapter Twenty-Three
On Boxing Day, Ezz gave Barnaby breakfast while Valentina took a shower and dried her hair. Ezz heard her voice once and wondered if she was on the phone to Gary.
Barnaby, getting ready to attack his third slice of toast, asked, ‘Can we go to the beach?’
‘Probably.’ Ezzie topped up his apple juice. ‘I expect we need to confer with your mum, Thea and Dev.’
‘Daddy says that word … confer . Is he coming back from Grandpa’s today?’ Barnaby’s hair stuck up as if he’d been doing headstands in his sleep.
‘I’m not sure. Maybe Mummy will tell us.’ Ezz sipped her coffee. She couldn’t blame her nephew for wanting to know what was happening in his life. She supposed she’d have to think about her own life soon – post-Mats.
‘Will Astrid and Alvin be on the beach again?’ Barnaby demanded.
For a second, Ezz let her skin prickle pleasurably at a vision of meeting Astrid, Alvin and their lovely dad amongst the rock pools and Mats taking her hand. She wiped her imagination clean. Whatever the Inger situation, Mats would still be returning to Sweden shortly. ‘It would be a coincidence if they were. But I bet your mum will want to look at the cottage.’
Valentina entered in time to hear this. ‘You read my mind. Keith’s fitted the new front door and says he’ll drop off the key in the next hour. I just caught him before he went off to relatives on the mainland.’
‘So, we’ll be near the beach?’ Barnaby queried hopefully.
‘We will.’ Valentina gave him a big hug and tried to flatten his hair.
A quick telephone conference with Thea resulted in them all meeting an hour later on Harbour View, complete with new key. ‘That looks amazing,’ said Ezz, as they approached along the curve of the bay. The door was a tasteful navy blue – very Valentina.
‘There are two new upstairs windows at the back, too.’ Valentina turned the key and the new door opened smoothly in its frame, so they could crowd in behind her. They admired the new windows but, other than fresh plaster boarding and wiring, there wasn’t much more to inspect. They walked along the beach, exhilarated by the rushing wind, though Barnaby was the only one who ran round in circles, screaming back at the gulls circling above, probably hoping for a human to discard food.
Thea held back her hair with a gloved hand. ‘Have you shown Valentina the letter, Ezz?’
Ezz shook her head. ‘She’s had enough to … think about.’ She’d been about to say ‘worry about’, before catching Barnaby’s enquiring brown eyes gazing her way.
Thea obviously understood. ‘Barnaby, shall we look in some rock pools? Coming, Dev?’
So, while the waves whispered on the beach, Ezz told Valentina about hearing from her birth sisters. ‘I haven’t really been able to update you,’ she finished, regretting anew the recent estrangement.
Valentina slung an arm around her. ‘Oh, Ezz. You decided not to find your birth family, but they found you. Even if your s-sisters’ emails were brief, having come so far to search for you, your family won’t just lose interest.’
Ezz burrowed her hands into her pockets, unhappily aware how Valentina had stumbled over the word ‘sisters’, and how odd it felt that her birth family, all her life a vague shadowy backdrop, had formed into real human beings. ‘How do you feel about it?’
For several seconds, Valentina stared out to the mouth of the bay, where moored boats slithered about as if the surface of the sea was oily. The mainland had its head in the clouds. Then she turned back with a smile. ‘As long as they don’t hurt you, then great. If they do hurt you, I’ll beat them up.’
Tears pricked in the backs of Ezz’s eyes. ‘That’s against the law, and you’re a lawyer.’
Valentina’s hair was loose for once and flew around her head in the wind like the gorgons’ snakes. ‘Even the law isn’t more important to me than family.’
They spent the rest of the day together, lunching on soup then playing a board game Barnaby had received for Christmas on the floor – though Thea got up onto the sofa after a while and napped.
Then Gary rang, and Barnaby chatted excitedly about the new front door, the beach, the dinosaur car and Thea falling asleep. Watching the love and light in his eyes as he poured out all the important stuff Gary had missed in Barnaby’s life in just a couple of days, Ezz understood Valentina saying she might have to try again with her husband. Children grabbed you by the heart.
The next day was Friday. Once again, Thea had come down to Ezz’s cottage in Chapel Row, leaving Thistledome to Dev, who was working from home. Barnaby watched TV in the lounge so his mother and aunts congregated in the kitchen, comparing schedules.
Thea said, ‘I see my GP a week today, the 3rd of January. If everything’s OK, I expect she’ll say I can return to work on Monday the 6th. I’ll be seventeen weeks.’
‘As long as the doctor’s reasonably confident the danger has passed.’ Ezz consulted her electronic calendar. ‘I told Grete I might go back on the 28th, but that’s a Saturday, so I could leave it until Monday the 30th. But that’s nearly New Year, and with the 1st and 2nd being public holidays in Scotland, I could stay off until the 3rd or even the 6th. I’ve enough annual leave, Grete says she never expected me to be constantly on duty while the family visited, and we’re not open to the public over Christmas and New Year.’
Valentina eyed her shrewdly. ‘And Mats would be gone by the 6th?’
‘I think so,’ Ezz agreed with a sigh. Then her phone began to ring in her hand, and when Mats flashed up on the screen, she nearly dropped it into her coffee. ‘Hello,’ she answered shakily.
‘Hi.’ Mats’ voice was low and warm. ‘You have visitors at the hall. It’s Rick, Kay, Julia and Iona. They’re asking whether I can put one of them on the phone. But it’s entirely up to you,’ he added.
‘Um …’ Over the sudden panicked beating of her heart, she imagined her birth family listening, waiting. ‘I suppose … well … um, Rick, please.’
After a pause, Rick’s voice sounded in her ear, tentative and cautious. ‘We … Hello, Ezzie. We were wondering if we could see you?’
Emotions flapping around like gulls on the beach, Ezz couldn’t make herself answer.
She heard him sigh. ‘We don’t want to intrude. But we’d agreed to come on a fam … on a holiday.’ He’d probably been about to say ‘family holiday’ but thought better of it. ‘We were going to Cumbria. But then we found out we could change hotels, so we came to Skye, hoping to see you. We found Rothach Hall closed, but this gentleman came out when he saw us and we asked if he’d give you a call.’
‘Right.’ Ezz’s voice squeaked in her throat. ‘Well, I’m with my …’ She found the same reluctance to say ‘family’, because Valentina and Thea were her family. But then the man on the phone was her father.
‘You’re busy,’ he guessed sadly. ‘Maybe later in the week? Julia and Iona said we should have told you we were coming, but … we didn’t want you to say no.’
Ezz imagined him standing on the drive again, in his big black coat, Kay watching on anxiously with Julia and Iona. Imagined them changing their hotel booking and undertaking a much longer journey north than to Cumbria, even knowing she might refuse to see them.
She swallowed, screwed up her eyes and, before she could change her mind, said, ‘I’ll come up and see you.’
‘That would be fantastic .’ Joy rang suddenly in Rick’s voice. ‘We’ll wait here for you.’ And he rang off quickly, as if not allowing her time to change her mind.
Ezz was left gazing at Thea and Valentina, who gazed back. From their big-eyed expressions, they’d heard both sides of the conversation. ‘Wow,’ Thea whispered. ‘That’s huge.’
Valentina smiled. ‘Told you they’d be back.’
Finding herself shaking, Ezz whispered, ‘Will you come with me?’
Both sisters shook their heads. ‘Another time,’ Valentina added kindly. ‘You need to get to know them on your own first.’ She gave Ezz’s arm a squeeze. ‘But we’ll be here when you get back.’
‘Right. OK.’ Ezzie gazed at her now-silent phone. Then: ‘OK,’ again. ‘I ought to change—’
Thea rolled her eyes. ‘They’re hanging about in the freezing cold. They won’t care if you’re not wearing your best jeans.’
‘Right.’ In a dream, Ezz put on her boots, coat and hat, and picked up her car keys. Valentina and Thea gave her long, bracing hugs, then she let herself out into another raw day, with tiny snowflakes flying in the wind, and drove out of the village, turning onto Manor Road and then onto the estate, parking at the back. She floated across the courtyard and in through the back door, expecting to cross the lobby and exit again to find her visitors waiting on the drive.
But Mats intercepted her, waiting beside the lobby Christmas tree. His blue sweatshirt hugged his shoulders, and his hair shone. His eyes ate her up, though his smile held a note of apology. ‘Mum didn’t want them to freeze outside, so she brought them into the lounge. Caitriona’s made hot drinks. I’m to take you to join them.’
‘Oh.’ Ezz’s steps faltered as it flashed through her mind that Inger could sashay in and give Ezz orders while Ezz was trying to find her footing in a slippery situation.
But it was as if he could read her mind. ‘Mum’s making sure everyone else stays upstairs. I didn’t tell Astrid and Alvin you’d be here, or they’d come flying down to see you.’
Her eyes heated. She wished she could see the shining little faces and maybe have a hug, but she just nodded, and followed him through the white door she spent so much of her working day viewing from the outside, turned left down the corridor and then into the spacious lounge, where the fire crackled and the other Christmas tree shimmered with lights and tinsel.
Pausing on the threshold, she watched Rick rise slowly to his feet, followed by Kay, looking anxious, and two smiling women of Kay’s stature and curly hair. From behind her, Mats whispered, ‘I’ll be in the kitchen if you want anything.’
Ezz croaked, ‘Thanks.’ Uncertainly, she took a couple of steps further into the room.
One of the smiling women said softly, ‘I’m Julia.’ She wore jeans with boots, and a pink, fluffy jumper.
‘Iona,’ said the other, who wore leggings and a dark green ribbed tunic. Then, when no one else spoke, she sighed. ‘How come you got the gorgeous blonde hair and long legs?’
Ezz smiled at the sally, but then her lips did something wobbly and she slapped her hand over her mouth.
Rick cleared his throat. ‘Shall we sit down?’ he suggested gruffly. ‘It’s kind of your employers to invite us in like this, Ezzie.’
Silently, she nodded, floating over to an armchair and sinking into it, but then finding her voice to say, ‘Well. Hello, everyone. I can’t believe you’re here.’
‘Hamal and Vido are looking after Edina in Broadford,’ Julia supplied. ‘That’s where we’re staying.’
Finally, Ezz met Kay’s eyes, knowing they’d be anxious and beseeching as they had been before. She knew what the counsellors on the TV show My Ghost Kingdom would have told Ezz. Kay was the one who’d given Ezz away, causing a chasm between mother and daughter that Ezz didn’t feel able to cross.
Kay’s forehead was furrowed. On a side table stood a pretty blue mug with a gold rim, and when she picked it up and sipped from it, her hand shook. ‘It was me who wanted us all to come,’ she said after she’d put it down again, her voice thready. ‘We’ve talked and talked. Julia and Iona want to get to know you, but Rick and I feel there’s something else we need to say.’
‘Oh?’ Ezz queried politely.
Julia gazed at Kay with suddenly tear-filled eyes. ‘Do you want me to do it? It might be easier. Or Dad.’
Kay shook her head. ‘It should be me.’ She tried to smile, but the corners of her mouth wavered. She gripped her hands together till her knuckles shone white. ‘Ezzie, when Rick and I saw you before, we told you how it came about that you were adopted. I know Rick’s told you more about my mother since then. It’s true—’ her breath hitched ‘—that she was difficult, because of her drinking. And I was a wimp.’
Rick made a noise of protest, but Kay’s brown-eyed gaze remained on Ezz. ‘It’s also true that we didn’t try and find you until after Mum died, but we didn’t come because Mum died. She’s been dead for five years.’
Ezz thought back over that conversation, when anger and hurt had made her launch the accusation that they’d only come looking for Ezz once it was convenient. ‘I see.’
Apprehensively, Kay went on. ‘I’d made up my mind never to search for you. We left our names on registers in case you searched for us, but if you didn’t, well that meant you didn’t want to. I’d given up any right to expect it. Dad died. Mum died. Those things didn’t change my mind. But something else has.’
Rick took out a tissue and blew his nose.
Ezz glanced at him, and then back to Kay. ‘What?’
Kay drew in a long, slow breath. ‘Ovarian cancer,’ she said simply. ‘That was the trigger. Once I realised there might not be much time left to wait for you to make the first move I was swamped by the need to see you again. To see for myself who you are and tell you I’ve always loved you … in case you wanted to know.’
Ezz went cold. She stared at the small woman in disbelief. ‘Are you going to die?’ The words seemed to scratch her throat.
Faintly, Kay managed a smile. ‘We’re all going to die. It’s just a question of when. Last time we came—’
Ezz interrupted. ‘But do you know when?’ Then she heard the bluntness of the words and winced.
Kay said calmly. ‘I’m doing OK at the moment. My hair’s grown back. I’m being monitored.’ Her shoulders rose and fell. ‘The only thing I know is that I want to hold you in my arms again.’
Ezz looked at Rick, Julia and Iona, all grave and watchful, and felt as if she’d been asked to undress in a roomful of strangers. Faintly, she said, ‘I’m not Lindy. I haven’t been for forty-four years.’
Kay rose. ‘And I’m not fifteen. Ditto.’ She held out her arms in the wordless, ‘are we hugging?’ gesture. Her expression was hopeful, determined, apprehensive …
Ezz was shocked. Alarmed. Horrified. But ‘there was’ something about Kay standing there, risking rejection. Risking everything for a single hug. Slowly, shaking, Ezz rose. Then somehow a small woman was in her arms, holding on to her fiercely. Someone sniffed loudly, and she thought it must be Rick. It was like hugging Thea, she thought dazedly, stooping to embrace someone smaller. But it wasn’t Thea.
It was someone else who loved her.
Something she hadn’t even known she carried around her heart chipped off and fell away.
She dipped her head and kissed her mother’s hair. And they just stood there, connecting, feeling, and letting everything else in the room fade. Except Rick blowing his nose, loudly.
Driving back to the village later, Ezz hardly knew what she was doing. If there had been a breathalyser test for driving under the influence of emotion, she would have failed it. Luckily, the hedgerow didn’t jump out in front of her and the only other cars she saw in the village were parked, so she made it home in one piece.
Valentina and Thea were lying on the floor, doing a jigsaw with Barnaby, who leapt up when he saw her. ‘Can we go to the beach now? And get a burger? My jigsaw’s got monkeys all over it and you have to match the colours.’
Charmed at the way he shared everything he could bring to mind, Ezz gave him an affectionate hug. ‘There’s no burger bar in Rothach, but I have burgers in the freezer, so we could cook those.’
Thea and Valentina had scrambled up and were gazing at her with matching questions in their eyes. ‘Are you … all right? ’ Thea asked. ‘Do you need emergency chocolate or anything?’
Barnaby instantly changed subject. ‘Can I have emergency chocolate too? Please,’ he added, with a glance at Valentina. ‘Is that as well as burgers? Or instead?’ He paused. ‘What is emergency chocolate?’
Thea threw an arm about him. ‘It’s the kind you don’t just want, but you need to get through the day.’
‘Ooh!’ Barnaby looked delighted. ‘I never knew about it.’
Valentina laughed. ‘I think it’s a women-only thing.’
He glared at her in outrage. ‘That’s sexist.’
So, they all had emergency chocolate, though Valentina cautioned, ‘Don’t expect this all the time, Barnaby. Now, how about you go back and work on your puzzle while we get lunch? Or would you like to help in the kitchen?’
‘Puzzle,’ Barnaby said hastily, getting back down on the floor while his mum and aunts exited to the kitchen, where they could have a conference before they began grilling burgers and shredding lettuce.
Thea squeezed Ezzie’s hand. ‘How did it go?’
Valentina pushed the door almost closed. ‘You looked like a ghost when you came in.’
Despite the emergency chocolate, Ezz felt trembly. ‘It’s knocked the stuffing out of me.’
‘ Oh … ’ breathed Thea and Valentina, in twin sighs of disappointment. Valentina slipped a comforting arm along Ezz’s shoulders.
Ezz tried to laugh but her voice wavered. ‘Kay and I … hugged. Then I hugged Rick, Julia and Iona too. I feel as if I’ve been on the wildest fairground ride ever invented. My heart feels strange. My breathing’s gone all bumpy.’
Thea clutched her chest. ‘That’s so lovely, Ezz. You’re happy about your birth family.’
Ezz gazed at her, seeing tears shining in Thea’s dark eyes. ‘I think I am,’ she said wonderingly. ‘Hugs don’t resolve forty-four years of absence, forty-four years of wondering, but they did bring a certain amount of peace. Kay’s been ill. That’s why she suddenly searched for me.’ She explained about Kay’s cancer, and watched her sisters’ faces melt into tears.
‘I can see why that would change her perspective,’ Valentina choked.
‘When you’re facing tragedy, you know exactly what it is you crave,’ Thea added, sniffing. ‘I can’t blame her for wanting to hold her child.’
Finally, Ezz told them about what Mats and Grete had done to facilitate the meeting away from the freezing wind blowing off the sea and swooping up on the headland to batter Rothach Hall.
Thea slipped her hand into Ezz’s. ‘So … you saw Mats?’ There was a hopeful note in her voice.
Ezz’s happiness dimmed at remembering Mats emerging from the kitchen as she fumbled at the door to let Kay, Rick, Julia and Iona out of the Larsson’s apartment. ‘He’s going home in the New Year. I asked him to say goodbye to the children for me.’ She sighed as a new sadness weighed on her heart. ‘I might need more emergency chocolate.’