Chapter Twenty-Four
Could we meet? You are on annual leave, I understand, and it is Sunday, so I impose, but I am happy to visit your house. Regards, Grete.
Ezz stared dubiously at the text message. They were at Thea’s place, watching How to Train Your Dragon , and she was taking the weekend to recover from the unexpected visit from her birth family. Thea and Dev were cuddled up on the sofa and Ezz and Valentina each had a rocking chair. Barnaby lounged on a cushion on the floor, with Daisy sleeping over his legs, her pearly fur shedding all over his clothes. Ezz wanted to reply Why? But although she might no longer be the Stepford employee that Mats had decried, she didn’t speak to her boss like that.
‘Bum,’ she muttered.
Barnaby looked round and laughed, before returning his gaze to the dragons on the TV screen.
In answer to her sisters’ enquiring glances. Ezzie explained. ‘Grete’s asked to see me … today.’ She uncurled her legs from beneath her. ‘As my car’s at my house, I’ll walk from here. Shall I take Daisy with me?’ It wouldn’t hurt to look totally off duty.
In a flash, Daisy transformed from snoring gently to wide awake, apparently able to hear ‘Daisy’ and ‘walk’ together even in her sleep. Floppy ears perked, she placed her front feet together like a dancer and gazed up hopefully.
‘Daisy says yes please.’ Thea yawned.
Daisy gave a little dance. ‘Arf!’
‘OK. I’ll just text Grete and tell her I’ll meet her at the hall.’ Soon, Ezz was wrapped up in her ski jacket and knitted hat, Daisy running happily on her stretchy lead that attached to her tartan collar. It took about twenty minutes for Ezz to stride down Glen Road and left up the steep footpath through the copse. It would be dark in an hour, but she had her torch on her phone if Grete kept her that long.
Grete must have been watching for her, because she opened the white door as soon as Ezz and Daisy made it into the lobby. ‘Thea’s little dog,’ Grete said, stooping to fuss Daisy. Daisy laid back her ears and snuffled coquettishly.
‘I hope you don’t mind me bringing her,’ Ezz said. ‘It saved Thea having to walk her and I wasn’t very near my house, or car.’
‘Of course not. I have inconvenienced you.’ Grete opened the door wider, and when Ezz and Daisy had stepped through, led them up the corridor to the home office. ‘I apologise for breaking into your time, but soon must we make departure plans, and first I have something I wish to arrange.’
‘Oh,’ Ezz said hollowly, unable to refrain from glancing down the corridor towards the kitchen and the lounge.
Grete must have noticed. ‘The rest of the family has gone out.’
‘Lovely,’ Ezz said mechanically, glad she wouldn’t trip over Inger, and telling herself that it was for the best that she wouldn’t see Mats, Astrid and Alvin. In the home office, she took a seat across the desk from Grete, Daisy at her feet.
‘So.’ Grete adjusted her glasses and twinkled through them. ‘I am making a party, with Gwen’s help. She tells me about Hogmanay and seeing in the bells with friends and family. I am a little confused about the “first footing” as she calls it, but she tells me Jonas can play this role, as he is dark. He is not tall, and neither a stranger, but we manage with what we have.’ Her eyes creased almost to slits with the size of her smile. ‘Wikipedia says the tradition may date back to the Viking invasion, when to have a blond stranger at your door was bad luck. But we are already Vikings, and we are already here, so I do not see a problem. At home, we would have fireworks, but I have not thought to buy any.’
Ezz found herself smiling. ‘Still sounds great. It’s only two days away, though, so do you need my help?’ Bang went her time off, if so.
‘Only to deliver some invitations.’ Grete gave a satisfied nod. She opened the desk drawer and withdrew a stack of envelopes. ‘This invitation is for you. And these – please will you give to Thea, and your sister Valentina? Mats tells me she is in Rothach.’ She passed over three blue envelopes.
Surprised, Ezz read the fronts. Ezzie. Thea and Deveron. Valentina and family . They were all invited to the Larssons’ Hogmanay?
Grete began to flip through more envelopes. ‘I have also invitations for Georgia and Peony, Dilly from the café, Sheena, Gwen and Caitriona, and Hadley who is every summer raising our plants in the greenhouse.’
‘How generous.’ Ezz was touched at Grete inviting employees to celebrate with her family. Then her heart began a downward spiral as she remembered that Inger would no doubt be there too. Ezz did not relish Inger finding ways to remind Ezzie that she was only staff.
Grete shrugged off Ezz’s appreciation. ‘Already, many will have their New Year arrangements. Possibly, Georgia and Peony have gone away. But we see who comes.’
‘Well. Thanks again,’ Ezz said.
Grete took up another envelope and tapped it on her fingers, regarding Ezz keenly. Then, slowly, she laid it on the desk so Ezz could read the addressees. Kay, Rick and family.
‘Oh.’ Ezz didn’t know what to think or say. She’d agreed to meet her birth family again before they left on Friday January 3rd, but she’d havered over when and where. A pub might be too public, but her little cottage would be too crowded, especially if Thea and Valentina came, along with Julia’s partner Hamal and daughter Edina, and Iona’s partner Vido. She was still wondering what to do.
‘It is your choice whether to give it.’ Grete’s eyes shone with compassion. ‘We make them your guests, so you decide.’
‘That’s so kind,’ Ezz murmured, tears pricking her eyes that Grete was once again providing an arena for Ezz to meet her birth family, neutral ground but not public property. She felt a warm affection for her employer, who she’d come to understand on a different level this winter. Ezz knew which hotel the Colvilles were staying at in Broadford. She could leave the invitation at reception, with an explanatory note. Though she was sure they would accept, it gave them the chance to discuss it amongst themselves.
Was that cowardly? Maybe. Or maybe she was, as always, just being pragmatic.
When the New Year’s Eve party came around, Mats was tantalised by seeing Ezz always the centre of a group. Her hair shone almost enough to reflect the flame-coloured top that clung to her front and dipped at the back. He had to talk to himself sternly not to walk behind her and stroke the skin between her shoulder blades.
He hovered closer, watching her smile and laugh with Valentina, Thea and Dev. Gwen and Caitriona had prepared the food and drink for the party, laid it out buffet style, then removed their aprons and become guests. Sheena, Georgia and Peony had replied to their invitations by saying they already had plans. Ebba, Jonas’s wife, was chatting to Caitriona, as she had a young relative who wanted to attend university outside of Sweden and was looking for information. Gwen was laughing with Dilly from the Nature Garden Café, Hadley and his wife. Barnaby was at the children’s table. Grete had put out colouring things, but what the table was mainly being used for was children sliding along it on their bellies – even Ronja – and chattering in a mixture of Swedish and English.
Oh, well. Kids.
He double-checked that Astrid and Alvin were happy, then edged a couple of steps towards Ezz. Rick and Kay Colville hovered nearby as she chatted to Thea, as if just listening to her conversation was enough for them, glancing around the large room with the huge Christmas tree, looking awestruck and shy. It wasn’t hard to believe that as youngsters they’d been swept along by parental wishes.
Then Valentina drew one of Ezz’s birth sisters into the conversation, and Thea drew in the other. He watched the apprehension flit over Ezz’s face as her eyes slid between her adoptive sisters and her birth sisters. One of her birth sisters included Rick and Kay in the group. Rick said something and Ezz laughed. Gradually her shoulders relaxed.
It was like watching a garden grow from seeds. It would take a while for it to ever truly bloom, but at least green shoots were showing.
As the group milled around Ezz, Mats edged closer, until he found himself next to Valentina. ‘Lovely party,’ she said politely.
‘I want to apologise,’ he said at the same time. ‘My dad says I speak first and think later. It was unforgivable of me to assume you knew what had happened.’
She smiled, though it didn’t completely erase the lines of anxiety on her face. ‘Don’t worry. I overreacted and didn’t listen to Ezz or see things from her side. She was trying to protect me.’
Relief melted through him. ‘I’m glad I didn’t cause a permanent rift.’
Valentina shook her head and glanced round. When she located Ezz and found her engrossed in whatever Thea was saying, she turned back. ‘It’s a shame you live so far apart.’
He realised she knew all she needed to about him and Ezz. ‘That’s an understatement,’ he said ruefully. Then Erik interrupted them, introducing himself to Valentina as their paths had never crossed.
It seemed ages before Ezz’s orbit finally coincided with that of Mats. She’d secured a mug of coffee, probably by wandering into the kitchen and making it herself. He smiled just to have her close. Her perfume, her smile, even the way she held her head, were achingly familiar, and he had to clear his throat before speaking. ‘You might be pleased to know that you can expect Mum and Dad to spend nice long summers in Skye from now on. He’s not going to work so hard. She’s retiring altogether.’
Her beautiful blue eyes lit up. ‘That’s great.’
But before he could ask how she’d feel if he too visited as often as feasible, someone called Ezz. When she realised her sisters – both adoptive and birth – were proposing a photo together, she flushed, then beamed.
‘I’ll hold your coffee,’ he offered, and returned to his role as spectator.
Ebba had volunteered to take the picture, Ezzie in the centre, with Thea and Valentina posing on one side and Julia and Iona on the other. Ezz made a comment, and they all laughed as Ebba fired off shots, then they clustered around the phone to crane at the screen, four darkish heads and one, tall, willowy blonde.
He nursed her drink, like the saddo in a romcom admiring the popular girl at a party from afar. She looked up and their gazes met. Slowly, she detached herself from the group and headed back his way.
But Kay and Rick managed to arrive just as she reached him. Rick eased his collar. ‘We were just thinking, Kay and me. We’d love to know about Maxie and Vince. I don’t want to make you feel awkward, but we owe them so much.’ He halted uncertainly.
From Ezz’s smile, there was nothing more calculated to make her feel kindly towards them. ‘I have photos, and a scrapbook about their careers.’ Then, after a beat: ‘Why don’t you come to my place tomorrow? I don’t return to work until Monday.’
Mats’ heart lurched, though he’d known from emails between his mum and Ezzie that she’d asked to stay off until January 6th. He could understand why she’d felt it easier, but he hadn’t yet been able to tell her his news.
Kay looked as if she might cry. ‘That would be wonderful. Let me give you my phone so you can put your address in it.’
It would be wrong to barge into such an emotional exchange, and Mats resigned himself to waiting. Then Grete edged in. ‘Ezzie, I am so sorry to speak to you about work tonight, but I wanted to tell you myself that the family is leaving on the 2nd. Many need to prepare to return to work or school.’ She added a smile. ‘And Erik and I need to make appointments ahead of semi-retirement.’
Mats rolled his eyes. Damn . He’d wanted to tell Ezz himself.
Ezz’s smile faded as she visibly drew on her work persona. ‘I can return to work on the 2nd and drive you to the airport.’
Grete glanced at Mats and hesitated, perhaps noticing his black frown. ‘Let me talk to Erik.’ And, after sending Mats an apologetic look, she melted away.
Kay and Rick were now chatting with Hadley and his wife, so Mats decided it was time to get Ezz’s attention. He touched her arm. ‘Shall I tell you why Inger isn’t here?’
Ezz glanced around the room with a frown. ‘I hadn’t noticed. There’s been a lot going on.’
If it was true that she hadn’t noticed Inger’s absence, then Mats was sunk. But he didn’t think it was true, because Ezz had a way of being aware of everyone and everything, and her reply had been too casual. ‘Two days after Christmas, Andreas arrived in the superyacht Inger had been cruising on,’ he told her, and felt cheered when she gave him all her attention. ‘It anchored in the Sound of Sleat and Andreas was tendered ashore to Armadale, where he telephoned a taxi to get him to Rothach. Inger was suitably impressed and told me afterwards that it had been rough sailing up the west of England and Wales. Everyone was seasick, but he wouldn’t hear of turning back. They went off for a heart-to-heart and she returned having accepted her engagement ring back and they’ve gone to complete their cruise. The children had her here for Christmas, which is the reason she’d given for coming.’ He allowed a note of irony into his voice. They both knew there had also been an element of jealousy.
Ezz’s eyes were fixed on his face, expression inscrutable. ‘How do you feel?’
‘Relaxed. Relieved. The children know they’ll see her again. For my sake, my family made the best of her being here during the Christmas they’d planned so carefully.’ It would be unkind to say, I was glad to see the back of her, even to Ezz. ‘The three of us talked and put to bed some of the bad feeling and misunderstandings. I was amazed to hear Andreas admit he’s felt jealous of me, not just as Inger’s ex, but because I’m Astrid and Alvin’s father, whereas he’s just their stepfather. He gave a pompous speech about me knowing where I am in life.’ He laughed. ‘That was odd, because when I came here in November I felt as if I’d lost my grip and my life was going to shit. And though I’ve always pointed out that he’s never had to work for his money, I hadn’t realised that it made him feel directionless.’
Her smile faded. ‘But where you’re going is back to Sweden.’
She looked so desolate that he jumped in before someone could interrupt again. ‘Would you come with me?’ Everything else he’d planned to say – about his children knowing and adoring her already and that he’d keep Inger out of Ezz’s hair – faded away the instant he saw blank astonishment in her gaze. Shit. Despite the long hours of thought and hanging around until he could get her alone, he’d made a complete mess of it.
Her expression shuttered. ‘You’re asking me to give up my life in favour of yours.’
He considered. ‘I suppose I did just do that. But—’
‘Your impulsiveness is impressive,’ she said drily. ‘We’ve known each other a short time and been “together”—’ she made air quotes ‘—for even less. What if it doesn’t work?’ She waited, but when he didn’t immediately conjure up an answer, she supplied one. ‘Your parents would have filled my job, and my landlord would have relet my home.’
With a feeling of doom, he watched her gaze roving over the guests around them and he imagined her ticking them off as reasons not to leave: Thea having a baby. Valentina buying a holiday cottage in Rothach. Her first family living in England, where she could get to know them more easily from Scotland. He blushed. ‘I don’t have a fully developed plan. I just know how I feel about you.’ Desperately, he tempered his request. ‘Would you ever visit us in Gothenburg?’
She hesitated. Her gaze returned to him, but her eyes held regret and perhaps disillusionment. ‘I want to say yes. But what if it’s just like prodding a bad tooth? It won’t become less painful unless we let it heal.’
He managed a smile. ‘Lovely. I’m a bad tooth, as well as impulsive.’ Heavily, he realised his plans didn’t have a prayer. Sadly, he said, ‘The 2nd is a public holiday in Scotland, so don’t come back to work. The family can hire another car to drive to Inverness Airport.’
After a hesitation, she said colourlessly, ‘Of course.’ She didn’t even argue that it was up to Grete and Erik to sanction her hours, not him.
Unable to help himself, he opened his arms, and she stepped in for a long, long hug. He tried to burn the feel of her in his arms into his memory. ‘You’ll see me again,’ he murmured.
Slowly, she disentangled herself. ‘Well, yes … if you visit Rothach. But our situation will only be the same. I live here, and you live in Sweden.’ She gave him a watery smile. ‘Say goodbye to the kids for me. I don’t want to risk upsetting them.’ Then she turned and strode away, to where Valentina was talking persuasively to Barnaby, probably about bedtime. He glanced at his watch. It was nearly ten, and the children were wilting.
Alvin came over rubbing his eyes. ‘Barnaby’s got to go home,’ he complained plaintively, falling into Swedish.
Mats crouched to scoop him up, kissing his head while avoiding the cake crumbs stuck in his hair. ‘I’m afraid all the children have to go to bed. It’s very late.’
As he watched, Thea and Dev conferred with Ezz and Valentina and they all nodded, then crossed the room to Grete and Erik, plainly taking their leave, pointing at Barnaby, and then Thea pantomiming drooping with exhaustion. She probably wouldn’t see his parents until they were back at Rothach, he thought. Or might she be on maternity leave by then? He wasn’t clear on the Scottish system.
Then both Ezz’s families were lining up to add their thanks and take their leave.
Ezz, of course, knew where the cloakroom was and prepared to lead everybody to their coats. He had to swallow hard when Astrid suddenly noticed Ezzie leaving and flew after her, ‘Ezz, Ezz! Goodnight.’
And Ezz dropped to her knees and received his daughter into her arms, giving her the biggest hug, before murmuring something and smiling. Astrid nodded, but looked doleful. He imagined the conversation. Don’t worry. We’re enjoying our holidays with our families, aren’t we?
Then Alvin wriggled out of Mats’ arms and galloped over to join the hug, and Ezz gave them one last kiss goodbye.
Her leaving seemed to take the light from the room. The guests who remained, Hadley and his wife, Gwen and Caitriona were still cheerful, but it was certainly time for the children to be in bed. He went to round up Alvin and Astrid, hiding his misery behind forced smiles.
For the sake of Grete and Erik he’d return and join everyone in toasting the New Year with good Skye whisky, after Jonas had fulfilled the Scottish tradition of first footing as a dark stranger.
But it seemed an empty gesture now. The New Year didn’t look as if it wanted to bring Mats a fresh start at all.
Outside, frost was glittering prettily. While Dev cleared his car windscreen, Ezz turned to Thea. ‘Do you think you could drop Valentina and Barnaby at my place in your car? I want to talk to Rick and Kay and everyone before they go.’ It was a fib, but Ezz was used to having time alone at home to think, which wasn’t possible with Valentina and Barnaby there.
Obligingly, Thea agreed. ‘Of course. Pile in, everyone.’
As they clambered into the car, an overtired Barnaby asked grumpily, ‘When are we going to see Dad?’
Valentina hesitated. Then, as if just now making her decision, she answered comfortingly. ‘Soon, because it’s school on Monday, and Dad and I go back to work. We’ll drive home on Friday, so we’ll have the weekend there.’ She didn’t betray her own emotions at the prospect of once again sharing the family home with Gary by so much as a flicker.
To make her fib less of one, Ezz wandered over to Rick and Kay’s car to call, ‘See you tomorrow,’ as their car defrosted, and then stooped to wave to Julia and Iona in the back seat.
When they’d driven away, their headlights vanishing around the hall in the direction of the drive, she turned away from the hall, striding into the darkness to breathe in freezing air and contemplate everything that had flipped her life upside down.
It was odd to be both unhappy and happy.
She couldn’t do much about the unhappiness over Mats, except wait for it to pass – which felt as if it would take a long time. She remembered the jolt of shock when he’d asked her to return to Sweden with him, but she’d had no hesitation in turning him down. She wasn’t impulsive, like him. She needed to think things through, manage situations, see workable solutions. It was not Esmerelda Wynter to say, Yes, I’ll give up my career, home and family, and trail around in your wake, even if she also wanted to say, I want you all the time and can’t stop thinking about you. I’m falling in love. Maybe if they’d had longer together … but they hadn’t.
She gazed up at a sky spangled with stars, winking and twinkling, and blinked back tears.
There was no constellation called Birth Family.
But if there was one called Family, tonight had brought two parts of it into alignment, with her in the centre, and that fuelled the happy part of her heart.
She stood there for a long time under the shimmering stars, until she felt like a pillar of ice. Then she trudged back to scrape the twinkling frost from her own car, nursing her mixed-up heart.