Chapter 34
Thirty-Four
Rose
The garden was awfully boring, as she’d expected. Rose had tried to get Maia to lurk and wait for their men to come out of the war room, but Maia hadn’t been interested in waiting. Instead, she’d dragged Rose out to the garden and put her to work.
Usually Rose didn't mind. She liked the garden and the plants that always seemed to reach for her hands when Maia was nearby. Her magic gave them far more life than most plants, turning them from greenery into something almost like pets.
But she grew bored with it soon enough and headed back to the barracks.
It wasn't as if anyone could stop her. Rose just pretended to go a little cross-eyed and suddenly she could wander wherever she wanted.
Mad, looney Rose. No one knew how to stop her from heading off into the distance, but no one seemed like they wanted to stop her, either.
She tried to find Gunnar, but he was nowhere to be found. Either Ragnar had offed him, or the brothers had made up and they were going somewhere with purpose.
Still, she didn't like it.
So she'd wandered through the castle for a little while. It was such a big place. No one was here at this time of day, so she meandered until it got dark.
Rose slept without him, feeling like the bed was a little too cold for her comfort.
She hated that feeling. It was unnatural for her to even consider missing having a man in her bed, and yet.
.. she did. She missed the touch of his skin against hers.
She missed the way he shifted in his sleep and always reached for her.
She wanted to know what it would be like to be touched by him. More. More than just a casual brush of his arm against hers, and certainly more than the kisses they had given each other.
But how did she ask for that? He knew her history. He knew where she had come from and what had been done to her.
Some part of her still feared that he would see her as dirty, or even worse, too fragile to consider a relationship beyond what they had. Would he even want her for the rest of their lives if she couldn't give him what wives were meant to give their husbands?
It was those thoughts that plagued her all night until there was a knock at her door.
She launched out of bed to open the door, her eyes bloodshot and swollen from lack of sleep.
Rose hoped it was Gunnar so she could voice these concerns, but also knew the moment she saw him those words were going to dry up.
She didn't know how to talk to men, and she certainly didn't know how to tell him that she wasn't too broken to try sex.
Except it wasn't Gunnar at her door.
It was Vigdis.
The beautiful troll woman with the glistening, dark rainbow skin. She stood there wearing very little other than leather bindings across her breasts and a pretty fibrous skirt that was entirely see-through.
Why? Rose had no idea.
"As I suspected," Vigdis said. "You are not prepared for today's bridal games."
There were more? When were these bridal games going to be over so she could move on with her life?
Groaning, Rose turned toward her bed and flopped face down onto it. "I don't think I'm participating today."
The troll woman chuckled as she headed into the room. The door closed behind her, and Rose tilted her head to, realizing that Vigdis had brought a bag in with her.
"You are participating today. Today is the best day to be there, and you, my dear, are going to be interested in what they have planned. Now, let's get you dressed."
"I am dressed."
"You are not going to the bridal games in that. I know what the others say about you, but I do not believe them to be true. So you are going to get up. You're going to put these clothes on. And you are going to look just as good as the rest of us."
Vigdis pulled a sheer dress out of the bag. At least it wasn't nearly as transparent as her clothing. It looked more like moonlight, but it wouldn’t show as much skin. Rose sat up, summoned to the dress like it was a siren out at sea.
It almost looked like a nightgown. High necked, with billowing bell sleeves that would give her plenty of fabric to hold in her hands and crush when she got nervous. This troll woman had noticed all of her ticks and she'd made sure that the dress would cover all of them.
"Oh," Rose whispered. "That's really pretty."
"I know it is. Rumor has it we're off to take part in the games of passion. Everyone needs something to wear that makes them feel pretty and powerful." Vigdis looked the dress over one last time, then gestured for Rose to stand. "Come on, I'll help you get into it."
"Shouldn't my sister be the one helping me do this?" Rose asked, but she stood up and headed over to Vidgis.
"She's on the other side of your door waiting to see if you want her."
Of course she was. Her poor sister. Astrid had done everything right as a sibling.
She'd fought long and hard for Rose to be happy and safe, and she hadn't ever stopped looking for her.
But the moment Astrid got her back, all she'd been given was a very broken version of the little girl that Astrid remembered.
Rose wasn't ever going to be that person again. And she definitely wasn't the version of herself that Astrid remembered. When they had both gone into the priestess order, they should have known they were giving up all dreams of their future.
"Astrid," Rose called out. "You can come inside."
She had never seen the door open and shut so fast. Her sister pressed her back to the wood, so full of hope she glowed with it. "I'm so glad you want my help. I just... I told them you weren't ready for something so advanced, but I was outvoted."
"I get to decide what I'm ready for," Rose replied. But then her mind raced ahead of her, and she glanced at Vigdis. "You said a game of passion?"
The troll woman nodded her head so quickly her braids bounced around her head. "Yes. It's the best part of the bridal games. No one should choose to bind themself to someone without giving them a trial period for passion. What if you're bound to a partner who is horrible in the bedroom?"
Ah. Right.
So the games of passion were literally trying out the partner. It was just that Rose wasn't sure she could do any of that.
A long pause spread between the three of them, broken by Astrid, who cleared her throat and reached for the dress. "Here, let's get you into this and you can tell us what is scaring you so much about the thought."
Astrid knew. Or at the very least, she could guess.
And then Rose realized she hadn't ever talked to anyone but Rhydian about this. Rhydian, who she could now see standing in the corner of her room, leaning against her dresser with a measuring gaze.
"Tell them," he said. "Tell them your story so that they can help."
She gave him a little shake of her head. So small that neither of the other women saw. If they had looked at her face, they would have seen her pleading expression, though.
Rhydian looked sad. "Rose, they have to know. You can't keep all of it inside. This is part of living, too. The dead cannot tell others their regrets or their pain. Holding it all on your own isn't the path forward."
She told herself she would not cry. She wouldn't.
But the elf in the corner was absolutely right. And she knew he was. He was always right.
So she took a breath and just started talking.
She told them everything that Gunnar knew.
Not the details or the horrors that should only plague her, but the parts on which she was stuck.
The parts that still ached. The fear and the anguish that came with knowing what had happened to her, and what those men might have taken.
It was a lot for anyone to hold. Let alone people who loved her.
Astrid ended up on the bed, sitting there with her eyes wide and her hands curled in her lap.
She didn't say a word, though, and Rose was glad for it.
Her sister already held so much guilt for her, and it wasn't Astrid's fault.
She hadn't been there when the king had taken Rose, but it hadn't ever been Astrid's job to look out for her.
Rose had been an adult. She was the one who should have known how to look after herself better.
When she finished, Vigdis folded the dress Rose had previously been wearing and placed it on top of her wardrobe. "Your story is unique in its violence, Rose, but there are many who share stories of men taking what is not theirs to take."
Rose quickly looked at the other woman, noticing the proud set of her shoulders and the strength that came from those words. "You?"
"Many of us, Rose. Many. Women throughout the centuries have always carried this burden. But we can carry it together." She reached out her hands for Rose to take, not grabbing, just being there in case Rose wanted someone to touch her and she...
She did.
Gunnar was the only one she hadn't minded touching her, but now, she touched Vigdis and knew without a doubt that this wouldn't make her skin crawl. This was a woman who understood her. This was a woman who could see.
Rose’s leg jittered beneath her dress as she voiced the one concern that made her heart break.
"I have put myself back together. I know there will be days when a loose piece shakes free again and it'll take a while to find it, but I.
... What if he doesn't want me because of what I have endured?
Men put value in women for what their bodies are worth, and mine has been tainted by so many. "
It was Astrid who replied. "Troll men are not like humans, and I'd hazard a guess there are still some good human men out there. Regardless, Gunnar is one of the best. He already knows there is more to you than your past."
"A woman's value does not come from here.
" Vigdis waved a hand up and down her own body, gesturing to her curves while passing breasts and wide hips.
Then her hand landed over her heart. "It comes from here.
From the soul that tells her how to guide her family.
From the heart that tells her how to love.
This is your strength and your purpose. If he cannot see past the flesh, then he does not deserve the soul. "
The words burned inside Rose.
Gunnar saw beyond the flesh. He'd saved her from the labyrinth. He was one of the few men who had protected her. He'd never touched her without permission, and he never wanted to scare her. He'd done everything right.
All he'd wanted was to see her blossom into something beautiful and free. Now it was time for her to bloom.
"A game of passion," she said. "What should I expect from this?"
"You will choose out of your suitors and then they will take you back to their homes. It is also a good way for us to see how they live." Vigdis made a face. "Many men are messy, and few troll wives want to train their husbands how to be clean."
Astrid chuckled and Rose laughed with them.
The idea of living with Gunnar was likely a messy future.
She'd seen him come in after he'd been out fighting in a war band.
Yes, of course he always cleaned, but he took off his armor and dropped it onto the floor first. Someone else had to come in and pick it up.
Now that they were bonded, she was quite certain that probably meant that she was the person who was supposed to be cleaning up after him.
No, she wasn't going to do that. Like Vigdis said, she would have to train him to pick up after himself because it would not be her job. The man was an adult. He could do that for himself.
Taking a deep breath, she told herself she would walk into that clearing with a clear head and a clear mind. This was what she wanted.
Astrid reached for her hand, both women holding on to Rose.
And then her sister said, "I cannot say I have gone through what you have, little sister.
But I can say that you have never chosen to be physical with another person.
Until him. You are safe with Gunnar. You always have been.
That feeling will guide you. And if you have to stop, you tell him to stop. "
She nodded. "And if I don't want to stop?"
"Then you don't question it," Vigdis said.
"Your body remembers things that your mind does not.
But there is no guilt in pleasure. You are taking this moment for yourself, your mind, your body.
He knows that. He is lucky to be in that room with you, and if you both find pleasure, then that is good.
If you don't, then he will work for as long as you desire to make sure that you at least enjoy yourself. "
"And if he doesn't, Bjorn will castrate him." Astrid seemed entirely serious about that when she said it, and it made Rose blink a few times.
"Castrate him?" she said. "Why would he do that?"
"He has no use of his manhood if he cannot bring pleasure with it."
Her sister. Her demure, quiet, calm sister just said that without a single hesitation on her face.
Rose tilted her head back to the ceiling and laughed. She laughed so hard she cried, tears streaming down her face as the others joined her, and they were all laughing so hard that she couldn't breathe. It was so funny, maybe it wasn't at all, but it was at the same time.
When she caught her breath, she squeezed the hands of the two women who had laid yet another piece back in her chest and gently sealed it in place.
"Thank you," Rose said. "Thank you both for being here."
The two women smiled at her. Perhaps the tears in their eyes were still from laughing so hard.
But perhaps not.