Chapter Two
Phoenix stared at his reflection, lost in his head.
Shay Armstrong. Holy shit. Shay Armstrong.
He looked even more gorgeous than Phoenix remembered.
It was not like Phoenix could say they should have warned him.
They had, but Phoenix hadn’t expected to see him so soon.
Not that he would give Shay the satisfaction of knowing that.
Phoenix sure as hell hadn’t expected to still feel exactly as he had when he left.
Full of love, hurt, and confused. Only two people knew the full story of his complete humiliation at the hands of Shay.
Phoenix had never told a soul. He didn’t imagine Shay had either.
Phoenix wasn’t sure who came out looking worse in that story, but he knew Shay wasn’t going around telling the tale.
He shouldn’t have admitted to knowing exactly how long it had been since they had last seen each other.
The thing was, Shay had snatched him into a hug as if nothing had happened to send Phoenix running.
Hell, maybe Shay was just really that oblivious.
When he looked back on their friendship, he always questioned every word spoken between them.
His chest hurt at the thought of looking back at all.
Each time Phoenix thought about the last time he had set eyes on Shay, his chest wanted to cave.
He still felt exactly as he had at that moment.
Maybe Phoenix didn’t belong here after all. He needed to clear his head.
Zander’s home looked out over the ocean.
The property was beautiful. That first night he had been brought here for a health assessment and treatment still lived in his head.
In theory, he should probably hate the sight of this place and the memories this house invoked.
Instead, Phoenix felt free. Yaro had sat outside with him while Phoenix breathed fresh air for the first time in memory.
He had felt safe. Phoenix needed that now.
He strolled along the bluffs and let the wind rock him on his feet.
His gaze never left the water. The ocean was another sight that could have gone either way in his memories.
He had been shoved into a shipping container with other kids.
Phoenix had no idea how many. It had been too dark to see.
All he had known was the sickening feeling in his stomach when the nonstop rocking began.
If Phoenix had anything in his stomach, he had lost it way before the dry heaves began.
Then came the nightly visits where no one knew who would be next, but they knew they would have to listen no matter what.
He didn’t know what had been worse: the pain or the screams. Sometimes Phoenix still covered his ears when sounds bombarded his brain as if he were still there.
After the ship, they had been moved to a big truck of some kind.
Then the next thing he knew was the smell of freedom: sitting here on these very bluffs with Yaro.
For a moment, Phoenix considered taking one step too many.
People would likely think it was an accident. No one had to know he made the choice.
Like nearly every time before, when Phoenix’s thoughts turned dark, he turned away from the edge.
This time, Phoenix physically turned and spotted a figure wearing white and sitting on the ground in the distance.
He headed that way only because he would have to pass them to get back inside the house anyway.
The closer he got, the more his heart sped.
It was almost funny how, even with as much as Shay had changed, Phoenix would still know him in the dark.
He thought about widening his path and leaving Shay to whatever he had going on.
Phoenix would be damned if he let Shay send him running again.
As he neared, Shay smiled. “You shouldn’t walk that close to the edge. It’d kill me if you fell.”
Phoenix rolled his eyes. “You haven’t set eyes on me in five years. I doubt my death would cause you a single night of lost sleep.”
Shay’s smile vanished. “First off, I’ve been assigned as your guard. I’m in charge of your safety. Setting that aside, I’ve lost countless nights of sleep since I last saw you.”
The urge to roll his eyes again was thick. “Welcoming every woman in town into your bed, no doubt.”
“Stop.” The demand was quiet yet deadly-sounding.
Phoenix gave him a sharp nod. “Done. I’ll let Zander know I need a different guard tomorrow. I never intended to plague your life again. If I had known you work here—”
“Stop.” This time, the demand sounded tired. “Please, just stop.”
Phoenix’s hands lifted and fell. Shay was right. It had been five years. Phoenix should be over this. It shouldn’t hurt to the point of anger to see him. Damn, he still couldn’t even admit he had known Shay would be here. He needed to let this go.
Phoenix flashed Shay a sad smile and walked away without another word.
“You were right, you know.”
Phoenix froze as Shay shouted words. He didn’t turn around. Phoenix couldn’t.
Shay obviously saw his stopping as permission to go on. “I was just scared and mixed up. The therapy they had us in wasn’t working. There was a lot going on inside my head. I was scared as hell I was no better than the men who had abused us, but you were right about me.”
Phoenix glanced over his shoulder and nodded once to let Shay know he had heard. Now he had to get away before he broke down. It seemed running truly hadn’t changed a thing.
As he walked back to his bedroom, Phoenix’s legs felt heavier with each step. He couldn’t stop the memories from flooding back.
Damn. Shay’s eyes. Those dark blue beauties stared down at him with a hunger Phoenix had craved for much longer than he cared to admit.
Phoenix didn’t even care he had to crane his neck to hold his gaze.
Shay’s hands rested on Phoenix’s hips, and Phoenix couldn’t focus on anything else.
Love swelled inside Phoenix to the point of choking him.
“If you plan to kiss me, you definitely should.”
Shay blinked. The lust was gone. He dropped his hands and took a step back. “Dude, what? No. You know I don’t swing that way. Of course, I’m cool that you do, but no. I love you, but ewww.”
Phoenix had heard it all before. This time, he couldn’t brush the moment off as a joke. He couldn’t. Phoenix rolled his eyes. “I hate to tell you, dude, but straight guys don’t look at other men like you were just staring at me.”
Shay’s neck and ears turned bright red the way they always did when Shay got mad. “You need to fucking stop, Phoenix. You’re always doing this shit.”
Oh, Phoenix was pissed now too. “Because you’re always looking at me like you’re about to kiss me.”
“That’s fucking gross.”
Something inside Phoenix stilled and then died. He walked away.
Shay chased after him. “Come on, Phoenix. You know I didn’t mean that personally. You’re my best friend. I shouldn’t have said that.”
Phoenix didn’t stop. He didn’t want to hear more lies.
Every day for the past two years, they had grown closer in a new way.
He opened his bedroom door and finally turned Shay’s way.
He was so furious, it didn’t even hurt to look him in the eye.
“Straight men don’t get their dicks sucked by other men either.
That’s not straight. That’s bi at the very least. I’m done with this bullshit. Don’t fucking talk to me again.”
Shay’s shoulders fell. “Phoenix, I—”
Phoenix waited thirty seconds for Shay to finish.
When he didn’t, Phoenix took a step back and closed the door on Shay’s face with a satisfying snap.
He locked the door for good measure. Phoenix wouldn’t do this to himself anymore.
No more stolen moments in the dark, desperately hoping Shay would touch him too. He was done.
Phoenix blinked, and he stood outside the door of his bedroom.
He had no idea how long he had stared into space.
Each time that memory slammed into him, Phoenix still felt exactly how he had felt in that moment.
Sometimes he wondered if he would ever stop loving Shay so that night didn’t hurt anymore.
Now that he had seen Shay again, Phoenix had his answer.
No, he would never get over Shay. He didn’t know how.
From his blanket on the ground, Shay stared up at the stars.
There had been too many times to count when he had eyed the sky and wondered what it looked like where Phoenix lived.
Now they were under the same roof, and he didn’t have to wonder.
He loathed the way Phoenix had looked at him tonight.
Had he even realized Shay sat in the same spot they had that night?
He sat here a lot, remembering the best and worst of his nights.
When he thought back on their time together, he realized exactly how easily anyone could have seen them.
Maybe he had secretly hoped they would get caught.
After all, Phoenix had been wearing a bright yellow outfit.
If they’d been seen then, maybe he wouldn’t have fucked up the only beautiful thing he ever had.
Phoenix kissed his neck. He held still as if he waited to be shoved away.
Shay’s dick was way too hard for that. He was too far gone.
For once, his mind was blank, and there was no fear.
Phoenix’s lips moved from Shay’s neck to his collarbone.
Shay’s eyes closed as he savored the way Phoenix made him feel.
He kept his hands flattened beside him, as if holding down the ground.
Phoenix could keep going as long as Shay didn’t touch him.
This was something being done to him. He wasn’t an active participant.
Phoenix’s hand shoved its way underneath Shay’s shirt.
He scraped his short fingernails down Shay’s torso until he reached Shay’s waistband.
Shay held his breath while trying to pretend he wasn’t silently begging Phoenix to keep going.
Every time his dick ended up in Phoenix’s mouth, Shay fought the urge to confess his love.
He loved Phoenix so fucking much, and he shouldn’t.
It was wrong. He wasn’t like those men who had taken advantage of them as kids.
Shay wouldn’t be one of those people. His thoughts had turned against him again. Shay found himself scrambling away.
A loud laugh burst from Phoenix. He rolled onto his back with his fingers linked behind his head. His eyes swam with laughter. “I almost had you.”
Shay’s gaze dropped to the bulge in Phoenix’s jeans before quickly returning to hold Phoenix’s stare. “Yeah, well. Don’t do that again.”
The humor left Phoenix’s eyes at Shay’s anger-filled words. All happiness drained from his features while Shay watched. “Don’t worry. I won’t,” Phoenix rolled to his knees and stood. “I’ll leave so you can finish yourself off or whatever. Or are we just pretending this isn’t happening again?”
“Nothing is happening.” There was no missing the rage in Shay’s tone.
The hurt that flashed across Phoenix’s face broke something in him. Shay grabbed the blanket and shook it out. “At least let me walk back with you. I can’t have you getting attacked or something.”
Phoenix rolled his eyes the way he always did when Shay annoyed him. “Nobody’s gonna attack me here.”
Shay snatched Phoenix's hand and stormed toward the house. “I don’t know why you fucking think that. You’re beautiful.
I see the way people watch you. All it would take would be for me to turn my back for a second, and you’re too naive to see it.
Which also pisses me off, because it’s been done before and you still don’t see any danger. ”
“I didn’t have to be alone for anyone to attack me back then. You being there didn’t stop anyone.”
Shay’s eyes fell closed at the softly spoken and pain-filled words.
This entire night and every conversation it held shouldn’t have happened.
He pressed his lips together to keep from saying anything else.
He marched behind Phoenix like it was his job because it was.
When they reached Phoenix’s bedroom door, Shay chanced meeting Phoenix’s stare again.
He froze. As always, Shay got that funny feeling in his gut—like he was falling.
Phoenix confused the hell out of him. Shay shuffled closer.
Phoenix’s gorgeous eyes held him captivated.
His hands moved to Phoenix’s hips. For the past two years, Shay had caught himself having thoughts about Phoenix that he shouldn’t.
Love choked him all hours of the day, but they were best friends and had been since that shipping container.
Of course he would feel a certain way about Phoenix he didn’t feel for anyone else.
It was them against the world. They were irreplaceable to each other.
“If you plan to kiss me, you definitely should.”
Damn. The same thought hit Shay every time that memory bombarded him. That had been Shay’s moment. He should have kissed him.