Chapter 18
Chapter Eighteen
Jack had no idea why he’d taken Bets’ hand … or that was what he tried to tell himself. It was probably totally the wrong thing to do but he couldn’t bear to see her in pain. The urge to comfort her had been natural and innate.
Nausea rolled in the base of his stomach.
He’d always care. He’d always love her, but all this, being here, brought home all the reasons why he’d had to finish with her.
He’d hurt her and for that he was full of regret.
He didn’t care that he was a pariah in the village but he did care that he’d hurt Bets.
She’d been his best friend forever and he missed that, missed the easiness with her, missed the laughs with her, missed the simple pleasure of just being himself with her …
but friendship wasn’t enough to navigate a life. There had to be more.
Now as he stood in the church watching the ceremony unfold, aware of the solidity of the traditions around them, the entrenched history and the age-old pattern of birth, marriage and death, he realised he owed it to Bets to give her a proper explanation of why he’d finished things with her.
He might not be religious but he believed in the church and its role, especially here in the village, where the church was the heart of the community.
Half the villagers might not attend services, but they upheld the principles of looking after their neighbours and those in need, supporting the family and trying to do the right thing.
He hadn’t done the right thing by Bets. His jaw tightened in self-loathing as a sense of shame filled him.
She’d deserved so much better. He’d been a complete arse.
A phone call. He’d bloody told her it was over in a phone call. Not even face to face. He’d hidden in Bristol to avoid the fallout.
Karma had delivered everything he deserved.
Her hand felt heavy in his and his guilt solidified.
He loosened his grip, letting his hand fall away and sneaked a glance at her profile.
She didn’t look at him but he felt the corkscrew tension in her had eased.
He owed her a proper explanation and an apology.
He should have done this when he first came home, instead of trying to take the easy way out and attempt the ‘let’s be friends’ cliché.
Richard the vicar, his eyes shining behind his John Denver glasses – he really did get a kick out of this stuff – had pronounced the couple man and wife, and the ceremony was drawing to a close.
There was a triumphant peal of bells and the newlyweds began to walk back down the aisle, hand in hand, sending smiles in every direction as they basked in the warmth of every gaze upon them.
Jack couldn’t help but feel that the gates were closing on them.
Outside he put some distance between him and Bets and stood talking to Ollie’s brothers while the photographs were being taken.
He heard her laugh, boisterous and naughty, so typically Bets, and he couldn’t help sneaking a glance her way.
His heart stopped. It was like seeing someone completely new.
She stood in a patch of sunlight laughing with Doris, the lights in her hair flame-red in the sunshine, the dress emphasising her shape, making him think of full breasts and those shapely hips.
The sudden bolt of lust caught him by surprise, a tingle down his spine and a rush of blood where it should not be right now.
He turned away, horrified by his body’s out-of-control reaction to her and the ache of longing.
They’d discovered sex together as teenagers.
Never a light-your-fire sort of consummation.
They’d fumbled their way towards satisfaction.
No bolts of lightning. No earth moving. But it had been fun, always fun.
Comfortable and easy. And he’d wanted more than comfortable and easy.
He’d only ever slept with Bets, despite plenty of offers at university, and when they’d officially split up, he couldn’t quite bring himself to sleep with anyone else. It felt disloyal.
The photos seemed to take for ever – Bride and Groom, Bride with Bride’s family, Bride and Groom with both families and so on and so on. Even the photographer was the same guy that did the last wedding here. Jack felt the sameness swamp him and he turned away.
‘Regretting things, are you?’ asked Doris, tapping his leg with one of her crutches.
‘Sorry?’
‘Regretting letting Bets go, you foolish boy. Looks lovely, doesn’t she?’
‘She does, Doris, and so do you. How’s the leg? The cast is looking very jolly.’
For once Doris decided to leave things be. ‘Yes, not that I won’t be sorry to be rid of the damn thing and go back to my own home, although I’ll miss seeing your handsome face over breakfast every day. Must be difficult living back at home after all this time away.’
Jack shrugged. ‘I’ll survive.’
‘You must miss the shag pad,’ she mused.
‘D-Doris!’ he spluttered. ‘You can’t say things like that.’
‘Of course I can. I’m eighty, I can say whatever I like,’ she replied. ‘So what are your plans?’
‘My plans?’ asked Jack stalling. He hadn’t told anyone about the job application he’d just sent off, mainly because it was such a long shot and he didn’t want anyone knowing about another of his failures.
He probably wouldn’t qualify for a visa.
Working abroad had always appealed, although once, years ago, he’d casually mentioned the idea to Bets, who’d laughed and said she couldn’t imagine anything worse.
‘Yes. Are you going to live with your parents forever?’
‘No. I just haven’t had a chance to—’
‘The ideal solution would be for Ella to move in with Devon and then you could move into Magda’s place. She’s decided to extend her cruise. Silly thing. She’s only delaying the inevitable. Love always finds a way.’
Jack stared at Doris. Half the time he had no idea what she was talking about. Her mind was capable of flitting from one subject to another in a few short sentences, like a butterfly on speed.
‘I’ll have a word,’ she said, tapping the side of her nose.
‘Right,’ he said, a little baffled, and amused at the thought of Doris forcing Devon’s hand.
He’d been badly burned by his previous girlfriend, and Jack was surprised he’d got involved with Ella so quickly, although to be fair they seemed very well suited.
She was very calm and content, although she had lived in London and had done plenty of things before she’d settled here, as had Devon.
* * *
Jack nursed a pint of beer as the tables were cleared away to reveal the wooden dance floor.
Now that the speeches were done and dusted, things had loosened up and small groups of people were dotted around the ballroom of the local hotel, animatedly chatting and laughing.
He spotted Bets on her own, walking into the room.
Maybe it was the three glasses of red wine, as well as a few pints, that had loosened his tongue but he decided now was the time to talk to her.
He caught her arm. ‘Bets, do you want a drink?’
She paused, studying his face with a direct stare. His heart pinched uncomfortably in his chest waiting for her reply, and was only easy when she said, ‘I’d love a glass of prosecco.’
He procured the drink for her. ‘It’s lovely out,’ he said and then drew her through the open windows onto the terrace. The raucous caws of peacocks pierced the air. He led her down the stone steps in the pretty rose-perfumed gardens to a small private gazebo.
Her green eyes met his, hopeful and mistrustful at the same time.
‘Bets, can we talk?’
She stared at him for a moment. ‘Go ahead. This where you tell me there’s someone else?’ He winced at her bitter tone. ‘I presume that’s why you wanted a private corner. Did you honestly think I’d make a scene?’
He touched her arm, wanting to reassure her. ‘There’s no one else.’
He saw her swallow. ‘Do you know, that doesn’t make it easier,’ she said quietly. ‘Instead it reminds me that I wasn’t enough.’
He rubbed a hand over his face. In truth, that was partly it. ‘Today in the church. I stood there. Watching Ollie and Anna. It scared me.’
Bets nodded as if she understood, but he wondered if she did.
‘It feels so final. Like the end instead of the beginning.’ God, he wasn’t explaining it well.
‘I mean, there’s so much out there, and coming back to Wilsgrave and settling now feels too soon.
I don’t feel I’ve started to live properly yet.
’ He turned to face her. ‘I had no intention of coming back from Bristol. I’d decided to stay there. ’
‘And you didn’t want me intruding on your life there,’ said Bets staring hard at him.
The astute observation made him wince because he knew he had been selfish. The sudden self-awareness brought a wave of self-loathing. What a prick he’d been.
‘It wasn’t that … I know how much you love it here.
’ Jack acknowledged to himself for the first time that he’d been scared to ask her to move because the responsibility of making sure she would be happy would fall upon him.
‘I didn’t think you’d come and I … I … it worried me that if you did you wouldn’t be happy, and it would be my fault.
Be honest – would you ever have wanted to move? ’
She pinched her lips together tightly before she answered. ‘Probably not, no. But you could have asked.’ She gazed past him at the trees along the skyline. ‘I have everything I want here. I thought you did.’ Her words carried no blame, just a simple statement, and he felt he’d let her down.
‘I thought I did, too, but then I wanted a bit more.’
‘And I wasn’t enough.’
‘Not you. Here. And I thought I’d be letting you down if I asked you to move.’
‘And now you’re back, is it awful?’
‘No…’ But he had to be honest. ‘But I’m…’ He couldn’t quite bring himself to admit to her that he was a little bit broken and that his self-confidence had been shattered. She’d always looked up to him, admired him.